awful shock. not sure I want to be here.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello.

I was going to namechange but can't be bothered.

Just received a very upsetting email from a close relative (not the relative being abusive. I get on with them and love them. It's just the email contained some very upsetting news).

The last few years have been hard. My parents split up and there were lots of complications. Just as it looked as if things might get better I get this bomshell.

I am sorry. I know that I am being irritatingly cryptic but I have to get something out now or I will take an overdose or cut or something (I have cut in my life but have an urge to now). This is something which could destroy our family. I have already been struggling with depression but am on tablets and coping day to day. Generally feel ok. Now this. If I can think of ways to put details up without identifying myself I will but this is terrible and I am so sick of it.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello struggling a little bit. Don't expect anyone will be around but is there anyone prepared to do some hand holding in exchagne for not very sparkling or witty conversation?

P.S don't worry if I don't reply iinstantly. Am trying to distract self by reading MN classics.

[Thumbwitch]

Sorry, Raft - was out this morning. Am here now but sincerely hoping that you are sleeping after having a fun time with MN Classics (did you read the cutted up pear thread? One of my favourites)

And if you should happen to still be around, then here's my hand to hold. x

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Thank you Thumb i am ok now. I was reading the brass neck moments thread

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Sometimes I struggle a bit but I am trying to hold on till my assessment.

[marriednotdead]

Hello Raft

Wish I was Mr Tickle

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I don't! The thought of your long Mr Tickle arms coming in through my window from millions of miles away*while I'm thinking "aaagh! Where the bloody hell have these arms come from...." (Shudders)

Takes hand

• Disclaimer you probably don't live millions of away but I don't know much about geography (twirls hair and giggles)

[marriednotdead]

Ok ok

I'm in Sarf Lundan, a couple of hundred miles away, probably south of you so you're safe enough

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Wipes brow in relief

After my extensive research on Sarf Lundan watching Mary Poppins I imagine you to be like Bert the chimney sweep and do not want to deal with that right now.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Feeling a bit fragile but often do around this time of night. I am sure it will pass if I pass myself together.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Pull myself together. I want to cry. Why does it happen at night? I don't usually have problems at night. I'm sick of it.

[Thumbwitch]

Circadian rhythms innit. Happens. Sickness and so on tend to hit in the wee small hours, around 2-3am for some reason.

Anyway I'll offer you non-threatening handholding from overseas (not quite millions of miles, but a few thousand!) and I'm here if you want to talk :)

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I am usually most alert around them

Thanks I know it will pass but I feel needy and pathetic and I'm not that type of person.

Ok positive things. I am reading strangest things people have got flamed over on MN. Sometimes I feel tempted to start a really bizarre aibu just to see if I can get away with it. I don't think I ever would though.

[Thumbwitch]

Well if you do, I suggest you namechange for it - you get a far better level of flaming if you appear to be a newbie!
Back in the day when you weren't jumped on from a great height for nc'ing for the lolz, I did one - it was very interesting the response differences! I nc now to protect the innocent, but not for fun any more :(

I am also a late late bird - usually at my best between 10pm and 2am. Not ideal in the way this world works, sadly!

Sometimes everyone is needy. Especially when the metaphorical rug has been pulled out from under them - re-evaluation of your world and everything in it starts to rear its head and it's never comfortable, so it's nice to have something stable to hold on to.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I know. The stupid thing is that the thing I got upset over isn't a problem any more. The doctor at the hospital thought that it was a culmination of things building up over the years. I feel like I've just had a horrible virus and am recovering from it. I actually can't remember the last time I was ill.

How does this sound:

Hi there!!

New to mumsnet but thought I would join all you mummies on here!!

I have a week old baby who is due out on her first trip to the park soon (have been in the hospital establishing bonding and baby wearing rituals). Anyway getting to the point I'm a of eco warrier kind of gal. I want a modern twist on cloth nappies. Waht do we think of knitted? My Dh thinks I'm hormonal and it's a big joke. because I've already made her a set of knitted nappies. I don't think it's any different than booties. He has just been and brought disposables Aibu to think he is being totally out of order?

[Thumbwitch]

Like it! G'wan, it'll be interesting!

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

No I couldn't take the flaming at the moment I suppose I could write it under your user name ... I'm also condsidering a proposal to overhaul the class system and catagorise people's inate worthiness based on hair colour. I imagine myself becoming the most unpopular person on MN quite quickly. Evil cackle.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

icantdo thus any more, i am trying t0 be positive but i cant, i dont know im sorry because everyone is being kind and if eel ungreatful

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I'm sorry for being annoying. I am so up and down. I want to be positive. I think I'm feeling better and then I'm not and it's just moan moan moan. I don't complain most of the time. I'm going to try and go to bed. I wish I could stop existing during the night and come back to life in the day.

Thank you Thumb

[Thumbwitch]

Oh lovely, have you been to the doctor yet? You really do need to go and talk this out with them. :(

(and the class system based on hair colour is a fab idea so long as redheads rule the world. Otherwise it's hopeless. )

Hope you are sleeping - I had lunch and laundry stuff to do, sorry.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I know. My mum says I need to go but I am scared. Last time I told them I was fine. Worried they will be cross

I was thinking of making brunettes rule the world actually. I've nothing against redheads (my mum is one) or even blondes for that matter but brunettes are best

[Thumbwitch]

Hmph. Matter of taste/opinion - we shall have to agree to disagree over that!

You do need to go. You need to write down the issues before you go, so that you don't bottle it at the last minute and insist you're ok - I know you don't want to be seen as weak and needy but as I always say (and it's not original, I know that): if you had a broken leg, you wouldn't try to walk on it normally and insist it's ok, would you? No, you'd realise that you needed help and let them put a plaster cast on it to support the break.
Well, it's the same thing. You're asking for help for something that is wrong that needs fixing - it won't be forever, it's a temporary support until you're better. And that goes for whether they suggest pills or counselling or whatever - it's all support for things that aren't working the way they should be normally.

I know you don't need your mum to go with you, but would she if you wanted her to?

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Yes my mum would go

I wasn't being brave when I said I was ok before. I did feel ok. This has come on quite suddenly. I will be honest with the doctor. I will make an appointment tomorrow.

[Thumbwitch]

Do write it down though Raft - especially if you have another wave of darkness, write down how you feel when that hits because it might be difficult to articulate it if you're in a good place when you see the doctor.

Did I read it right that the problem that sparked this thread doesn't exist any more? Has your SM reconsidered?

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I don't really consider her my SM but I know what you mean

Apparently she never meant it all and "she wasn't in a good place" when she sent it. There are other problems as well which haven't gone away. I don't know really. I just don't seem to be able to handle much atm.

I agree writing things down is a good idea. I imagine my surgery will know something is wrong anyway as I guess that they will ahve recent hospital records.

I am ok at the moment.

[Thumbwitch]

Well to build on what I said before, once your rug has been pulled away, you're left hanging in an unstable position - so any other little thing can feel much harder to deal with than it would if you had both feet firmly planted on the floor!

You need to find a way to get your feet back on solid ground, then you'll be able to gather your strength to deal with the rest of the shit that's going on.

Glad your non-SM situation isn't as bad as it was but sounds like there is still rocky ground there, so yes, you need to really get yourself on an even keel just in case it kicks off again, or something else happens.

Set an alarm on your phone to remind you to make the doc appt - that way you won't forget.