awful shock. not sure I want to be here.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Hello.

I was going to namechange but can't be bothered.

Just received a very upsetting email from a close relative (not the relative being abusive. I get on with them and love them. It's just the email contained some very upsetting news).

The last few years have been hard. My parents split up and there were lots of complications. Just as it looked as if things might get better I get this bomshell.

I am sorry. I know that I am being irritatingly cryptic but I have to get something out now or I will take an overdose or cut or something (I have cut in my life but have an urge to now). This is something which could destroy our family. I have already been struggling with depression but am on tablets and coping day to day. Generally feel ok. Now this. If I can think of ways to put details up without identifying myself I will but this is terrible and I am so sick of it.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

[BOFster]

Listen to that with your earphones in bed, and I GUARANTEE you will be in the land of nod within minutes .

Come on, it's Melvyn Bragg's gift to humanity..

[MrsTerryPratchett]

And remember, if all else fails, there are a bunch of people online that are always around.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Ha. I am a luddite. I don't know how to use headphones unless they're connected to Skype.

I am reading Listverse. It is a website which publishes ten facts about things every day. You can also read things in the archive. At the moment I am reading 10 things I should know about the papacy.

[RachaelAgnes]

Raft, you have just given me something to keep me going through the night!

Thank you - where did you come across this? It's ace!

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I don't know. I think I found it through something else. Good isn't it?

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

This is funny

listverse.com/2014/08/09/10-of-the-dumbest-criminals-in-the-world/

[RachaelAgnes]

Looking at the 'unsolved mysteries' one.

This will keep me going for hours!

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

The unsolved mysteries are good although I think most mysteries are, by definition, unsolved.

[RachaelAgnes]

This is true! Going to make myself a cup of tea and settle down to some more lists.

I always find this next hour my most difficult, I get v tired

How are you feeling?

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I am going to have a look at the crisis website. I don't think I need it right now though.

[RachaelAgnes]

Always good to have a look, you'll have information on hand when you need it then.

Do you have any other professionals other than your doctor involved in your care?

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

I am feeling pretty low to be honest and scared but am managing to distract myself. I feel very tearful.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

No other care. I don't know if I need it.

[RachaelAgnes]

Glad you're managing to distract yourself.

I want to ask you not to be scared, but I know how difficult that is.

Tears are ok, sometimes they are a good realise, but for now, focus on getting the information together you might need

I will still be here through the scary bits

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

You are very kind. Which unsolved mysteries are you reading?

[RachaelAgnes]

Oh have moved on.....now onto 'shocking sides of famous authors'

Maya Angelou worked as a prostitute.......

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Ebola lists and Book lists. Mark Twain invented the bra strap. I'm never going to sleep again. What a great website.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Yes she did. I think I've read that list. You soon get hooked.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

wildly eccentric characters from Victorian England is worh a look. It has new lists every day.

[RachaelAgnes]

With regards to the additional care, it might be worth asking your doctor for a referral.

Maybe to a councillor or even the mental health team. The councillor would help you talk through how this situation is making you feel, and maybe help you to bring back a feeling of control of the situation ( without controlling the people involved, if that makes sense).

The mental health team might assign you a community nurse, which is sometimes quicker and easier to access than your GP, they are also more specifically trained to deal with the overwhelming feelings you are experiencing

Might be worth speaking to your doctor about, something to consider

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

The doctor did say I could get access to counselling if neccessary.

I can't believe things have got like that. It all seems to have happened so quickly.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I agree with Rachael my lovely friend had all sorts of meds but it was talking that helped in the end.

[Raftofdeterminationandlove]

Thank you. I feel like I have let people down.

[RachaelAgnes]

Raft,
After 15 years of on/off depression, feels of not being able to cope, it was a series of sessions (only 8) that helped me.
Having someone who was 'paid' to listen was so much different than friends/family.
Bits of it weren't easy, but it is the best thing I ever did.
Getting my feels out and have someone help me work through them was such a relief, and because they don't know the people involved, they are able to help you work through your emotions without their emotions influencing yours (unlike those close to you who will have some sort of opinion).

Speak to your doctor, see what they think, but as it's already been suggested, think you will get a referral

[RachaelAgnes]

Excuse typos. Second wind hasn't hit yet!