Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

About to drop off to sleep but have to say am so proud of how far you've come..I'll be so happy for you when you finally make it home. It's just one bit left now, you can do it x

Thanks for your messages. 37 hours.

Nearly there xxx

Hope you're ok

I've just seen this but just wanted to say you are doing amazingly and it was a brilliant idea of yours to post on here as you are getting lots of support. Thinking of you on your journey home.

you are doing really well, keep going!

soon you'll be at the airport and you can relax.

please let us know when you are there.

if packing helps you focus take your time, otherwise don't stress about it, just chuck it all in and it will get sorted when you are home.

I'm proud of you!

So looking forward to you being at home and I hope you feel better very soon.

Dontrun, you have done so very, very well. I know it's been very painful, but I'm astounded that you've been wise and focused enough to keep chatting here AND to keep going into the library for your research. You are a credit to yourself, your family and your department/field.

A long journey with connections is tricky - but keep the end goal of getting home, getting to hold your DH and girls and sleeping in your own bed in mind. You are so close now.

I have GAD, not bipolar, but want to give you a huge hug because I've been in a similar situation - in California, doing research, funded trip, feeling awful. It was a long journey home, but I knew I'd be back in DH's arms at the end of it. And I allowed myself to stock up on the trashiest American magazines available for the journey back .

You are a real star, woman. I have so much respect for you.

24 hours

EG. Sorry you also had this. It sucks. I feel quite useless for not being able to get through a trip without going mad. This is my bread and butter. There will be at least two more trips in the next twelve months. If I don't do the research, I can't do the work.

But I won't worry about that for now. Just showering and packing.

Do not worry about future trips now, Dontrun. As horrible as this experience has been, you can use it to put in place a support/emergency system to use if it happens again.

A good friend who is a lecturer in my dept has just been diagnosed as bipolar. We talk a lot, make sure we are there for each other if we're struggling, especially with research. I don't know if you have a good friend in your dept whose office you can pop into if you're feeling rotten, but for me having that has been a godsend. Just having someone who understands the pressures of academia.

Hi Dontrun!

I have been reading your thread and just wanted to say that you are doing very very well and that you should be proud of yourself for getting through your research trip. I dont know you and I am proud of you!

I am a practice nurse (not cpn trained) but over the years I have worked with a number of people with a variety of conditions (including bipolar) to help them to develop an action plan to deal with problems in the future should they arise while travelling. An action plan gives them the reassurance and the strength to deal with a crisis as it happens and to seek the appropriate help should it be necessary. Many people are concerned about explaining themselves and their illnesses when in a foreign country. It also means that you should have a short course of emergency meds etc with you. It may be worthwhile trying to do this with your husband, GP and psychologist when you get home and are feeling more settled.

It would give you the reassurance that you can manage your condition when you have to go away again, but also wih the knowledge that you have resources to turn to when needed.

PM me if you want any further info!

Take care and remember that you are nearly home, break the next 24 hours in to small chunks and count them and you will be home xxx

Hey! So excited for you that you're almost home :)

You've done so incredibly well these past twelve days - it's a real credit to you that you have sought help where you could, done what you could, and you've got through it all. You're on your way home now, this is the last part, and once that plane takes off, you can relax knowing that it's almost done. Your family will be so pleased to have you back home. Each part of the journey takes you closer to the arms of the people who love you. Each hour en route is another hour you don't have to worry about getting through again.

As red and estelle say, don't worry too much about future trips - you've learned from this experience and what you've gone through means that future trips won't end up like this. But for now, just focus on the steps of the journey taking you home!

Bon voyage xx

Thank you both. I'm just waiting for the taxi to take me to the airport. It was good to say bye to the hotel room.

I've been thinking about the emergency med route-I'm sure that will be a good idea in future. I shiuld have asked about this before as i had a similar thing happen with my last trip, except it didn't hit until a week after my return. I've been very well for the last 10 months so just didn't consider that I might have problems out here. Oh well.

21 hours.

Just wanted to add my support.
If you are still feeling terrible when you get home, go straight to A &E.

I am so sorry it's been so rough for you. You will be home soon.

So nearly the flight!!

Hang in there, you on the very last leg and you have been amazing. I know I don't know you bar some words over the internet, but I am so proud of how strong you have been and how well you have coped. It's been 11 days and you are still fighting this. It's incredible.

I know you might not be able to post much on the airport and on the flight but let us know you are home in the UK if you can.

I have coffee and cake. The airport has wifi so just sat here flicking around.

Struggling with the bustle of the airport and feeling very jumpy as I keep seeing shadows moving out of the corner of my eye. Listening to music to try to down things out. I wish they'd invented teleportation by now!

I made the mistake of posting on another forum about the TV 'problem' and got told by one poster to stop being a drama queen and that it was no reason to rush off to the CMHT. I know I shouldn't listen to someone who's barely literate, but I'm second guessing myself now.

You're bloody incredible dontrun , I'm so relieved for you that you're nearly home. Listening to music is a good idea. Do you have a book/magazine? Airports are so busy, not surprised you feel jumpy..but despite that you're still doing so so well.

Definitely do NOT take any notice of that stupid, ignorant poster. Sadly there are quite a few horrible people like that in the world, and therefore a lot of them on forums. You're not being dramatic! I suspect they don't even know what bi-polar is. You're being sensible and brave and successfully getting through an incredibly difficult time.

OP try to take your mind off the idiot on other forim, do you know any jokes ? Ds favourite joke:

What's the diffetence between England and a teabag ?

Ans:

A teabag stays longer in the cup!

Hope it makes you laugh.

Sadly, she claims to be a MH professional. In fact, that makes a lot of sense. (I don't mean to knock all MH people, some are amazing, but I've come across people with that attitude before.)

I have my kindle and some Ted lectures to listen to on my phone.

Well done dontrun, you're doing really well.

Gunz--that was for a while and then

when are you going to board?
when is take off?

you are doing brilliantly! well dne for occupying yourself!
and definitely only listen to us, not some ignorant idiots!

we are all here for you, holding your hand, you're on the homerun now baby!

gunz-good one!

Good! i just need to find more jokes now, anyone?

Joke:

What did the fart call the bum?

Ans:

fatbum!

Oh dear!

Boarding in 20 mins.

I'm the crazy cow sat rocking slightly who everyone is hoping they don't have to sit next to.