Andes up - who needs a rock to lean on? Rock on over here!

[ThatVikRinA22]

in honour of ed and her mountain ranges.....

welcome to thread 3 - this is a support thread for anyone needing a hand to hold while they get through depression or any other mental health problems - long term or temporary. All are welcome.

linky to old thread

Oh Vicar They arent helping much are they ? Is the disciplinary a first verbal or written warning re sick leave ?
Dont let that spook you . You have had sick notes for all your leave and have cooperated with Occ Health . A run of illness does bring up these warnings unfortunately I think but you arent taking random days off for hangovers . Also you must have passed a stringent medical plus fitness test to get in the force so you havent been swinging the lead .
So yes it sound as though it will happen but dont let it get in the way and scare you too much . Another tick box re HR .for robots not real live people . The word disciplinary is horrible

Your meeting is the most important one . Will your rep be there ? A phased return to work as in shorter shifts and days building up to full time again over a period of time using annual leave accrued maybe ?
Will you have a mentor re coming back to support ?
No single crew first response while on phased return please god they dont do that . That is a no go surely . Questions I am sure you have already thought of Vicar . Am thinking and writing at same time and not police savy really .

If you must go back next week my lovely .........maybe it would lessen the fear if you go in beforehand at a quiet time for your shift [as if ] for just a visit to break the ice and have a cuppa . See how it feels re your colleagues ,make the journey ,go through the door .......but in your time and free to leave anytime . So when you go back proper the worst has been already done ? Test the water if you like before meeting .

I did that as advised by my boss and it helped hugely .....just doing the run to work even .

Jeeze been rabbiting . So will tell you what my OH told me when in similar position " Basset listen ok? no one is going to cut your hands off or put you in jail if you truly cant do it anymore . Something always turns up and we will manage ."

Excellent post from basset

Today I got my psych notes from my brief spell in psych hosp last July. They make very interesting reading.

I asked for the report the docs had done on me to section me, I was surprised to see how little they have to write.

Sorry for not mentioning all other lovely folk and new friends .
been reading back .

so good to see you Snowy . I wonder how Nina is ?

Just peeping in to say hello. Vicar I am so so sorry that you have to go back to your old job, and disciplinary meeting - what's that about! I would try not to agonise about why you didn't get the other job. Very often they have an internal candidate and they are just going through the motions to ensure they adhere to "equal opportunities" - my dil went for a deputy head post last week and she was optimistic, as there wereonly 4 of them, and when she went round to look at the school, the head said there were no internal candidates - but when my dil got there an internal candidate appeared on the scene who had worked at the school for 17 years - so guess who go the job!

Basset lovely to hear your wise words again - you are a brilliant wordsmith and your posts are always so wise, but also bery comforting. IT's a bit like you are in the room with someone.

And Snowymouse so so so pleased you have been discharged - great news, but you know that you must go to the day hospital or they will have you back in as I'm sure you know. I've seen you on another thread and asked if you had been discharged. Great news.

After a really awful Jan and Feb this year with 15 days in each month of continuous awful awful days, with little or no respite I phoned the CPN who I had for a few weeks after my original one left the area, after my discharge from hospital in June 2010. She came to see me and I talked to her for a long time and told her all about my increasing suicidal thoughts, my plan and that I had visited the pool (NOT the leisure pool) on more than one occasion.

I hadn't told anyone all of this and she said she didn't like what she was hearing. She phoned the next day to say that she had managed to get a different psychiatrist to see me (the original one was horrid) and this was because the original one was on holiday. She said he was going to fit me in within the next couple of days, and I got really anxious and said it didn't have to be so soon, but she said she wanted me seen sooner rather than later, so my anxiety levels were on the ceiling and I began to regret telling her as much as I did. She's a lovely woman and so easy to talk to......

Anyway the psychiatrist came out to see me and was very nice, and I had typed out some background notes which he said was helpful. I said I was anxious about changing meds because even though I had taken a nose dive, they had "held" me for 80% of the time over the past 3 years. He accepted this but was not happy about the large dose that I was on, because they are "age related" and so over 65s should not be on such a high dose. Forgot to ask him why. Anyway he prescribed mirtazapine to add to the original ADs - 15mg for a week and then 30mg. I haven't had any side effects, and dare I say I think they are helping. I have been on them about a month and ad only had a few crap days, here and there.

OH so sorry to be rambling on about myself.

Hello to anyone who knows me.

Vicar I know this is your thread and we talked right at the beginning. I think your depression got better didn't it, but you've had this damn job thing hanging over you. To be honest I think it will be better to get there and see how it goes.......as your anxiety is not going to go away - and you know they do say "It is better to arrive than travel" - at least you will know one way or the other if you can do the job. I will be popping back to see how you are doing.

I was admitted voluntarily, but after a few days gave vent to some anger and I was also desperate for a decent night's sleep. So because of this anger I was assessed for section (briefly being put under a 5(2) while they waited for me to be assessed). At 13:37 I was put on the section 5(2), and at 17.37 the same day I was assessed. I was found not to be in need of sectioning, and in fact was released on overnight leave. I returned the following day and was discharged, with follow up from the CT.

The assessment seems accurate to me. It is 4 sentences long, but gets everything in. There are also some quite long and accurate accounts of when I saw various psychs before that.

I did need to go in, but recovered quickly, and think the care I got was good.

The above was a reply to snowy. I have found the dr's report now, not just the assessment summary, and it is detailed, and 7 paras long. That is likely to be because they agreed I was well.

If you are not so well, there is less to write about deciding to detain you, because, hopefully, detailed assessment will take place in the following few days.

I am so glad you are out, you might find you actually enjoy the Day Hosp a bit, you won't be the only one feeling nervous about going. I made some lovely friends at a local Mind drop-in (was part of my job, but I thought of myself as a su first, as far as consistent with the aims of my job iyswim)

rambling on, obviously this has brought up stuff to process :)

Vicar I have read back. Part of your stress about going back to work is because you are a nice person who wAnts to get good outcomes for people, I think.

I also work in a public facing role where nothing I do will ever, ever be enough to push back the tide of people who need us. And the work itself is difficult and draining. (Although v dif from policing).

I try and keep my energy and resilience by focusing on the difference I make on a very small level. Helping one person properly and getting by with lots of the other stuff.

If the disciplinary is about your sick absence is it more likely to be a back to work meeting held under the auspices of the disciplinary policy, IYSWIM?

Need to go to bed now, just wanted to check in. Well done everyone for the small stuff we have achieved today.

thank you everyone - i feel very cared for here. more so than in real life.

firstly basset thank you - you are very intuitive and on the ball.

yes i will have a phased return and will be double crewed with a mentor for a while to get me back in the swing of things. But im due back on the first day shift next week. no opportunity to go in prior. ive asked some questions re the disciplinary and got no answer. feel very caught between a rock and hard place - inspector pissed off that ive involved fed rep - rep saying if they are indeed going down the disciplinary route its a good thing i got her on board.....no one is liking this.

i cant get to the bottom of the disciplinary thing - but im worried. they can serve a notice on me stating i cannot go off sick again within a set period - however if i get a cold i know that my hernia/reflux means i have a weakness - and always results in a chest infection. its now a given. i cannot work front line while unable to breath for coughing. i need this bloody surgery. im wondering whether to go private.

im so scared of going back, i thought i would have a fresh start but the only fresh start i was offered was more hassle, more travel. am turning that one down flat. its not a help to me in any way - the carrot being dangled might have been but i know from experience of this organisation that carrots mean jack shit.

i wish i could just tell them to stuff the job up their arse. the policies and procedures are just to tick boxes. ive pissed people off. im not fit for purpose and they know it.
the fed rep told me that the job needs people like me, but it doesnt. it needs robots who will conform to the culture and who dont get ill because of it. people who fit in. people who turn a blind eye and who dont give a shit.
im never going to change. im just not. im who i am. thats just me. to survive this shitty job i need to change and i cant because its just not in me. I am dreading going back. its no good for me. its the most backward culture ive ever come across and thats saying something.

nana i am so pleased to read your update. truly pleased as punch. i felt you needed a change in meds....it seems that things are looking up for you and im so pleased. i hope you continue to improve, under the new regime!

i really need a new job. thats the answer for me. and i cant appear to get one.

i think im going to be having some very sleepless nights before next week.
i dont want to go back. no one gives a shiny shite. occy health dont - they need to tick their boxes. this had been a real eye opener.
and now im to be disciplined because the job drove me into the ground. it should be funny.
but its not. i need another bloody job.

Evening all.

Busy day/evening on here. I have read all but not keeping up very well atm.

Huge hugs to vicar I think Bassett is right. Take some small steps. Is there anyone from your shift you could possibly meet up with for coffee? Then could you pop to the station. I think doing it on your terms is an excellent idea before doing it under terms if employment

Glad to see you home snowy. Take it easy. Q dat at a time. One foot in front of another.

Glad to see you pop in nina. Glad the new meds seem to be helping.

Waves to everyone else. .mal and cat...wonder if I bump into you around tesco .

So where am I at...well as you know...brownie pack holiday at the weekend. Absolutely exhausted. I was cook (always am) but there was something about this one that made it 100times harder. Dunno if it was my MH, my physical health, the menu, the activities or something else. Usually I am on my own and although it is tough I manage. I also seem to run the crafts inbetween too.

This time I had full time help in the kitchen and neither of us sat down from 7am till 9pm on the sat. It was constant. There was a lit of friction between each of the adults and my 'friend' (who has been described by some on here as potentially emitionally abusive).

I came home very worn out. Very frustrated. Very demoralised.

After a rest I went to see a different friend. But she knows 'friend's wotk collegues. She was surprised how I was friends with her as 'everyone else hates her'... as part of discussion I agreed she had a lot of faults and traits that make her difficult to get on with. I gave some examples. I described how with a bit of knowledge of her background (without saying what background actually is) I can see why she has the insecurities she does. In a lot of ways i was justifying my friendship, i was also trying to go along to see if the person i was talking to would open up iyswim. The gist was that if you can overcome the difficult traits she can be and has been a solid friend, with lots of positive examples.
I think at some point I was suggesting that she wasn't as good a friend as she thought (since the lasy time she manipulated me and I talked it through with a couple of you guys by pm). I think I was also saying I was trying to reduce tge intensity of our friendship (after reflecting on what you guys had said).

Problem is...at some point I must have leant on my phone and left a 4 minute answerphone message. But it was 4mins of neg stuff.

I have now been (understandably) disowned.
But there is a big tangle left...we work together on brownies...little things are bugging me like do I still give her dd something I have made for her birthday next week...she owes me £100s but I don't know exactly how much...its all just a big mess.

I've asked MNHQ to delete the post above - it was posted in error - sorry.

Thanks vicar

Thing is a lot of what I said was in the context of 'I can see why others find her controlling...insecure etc'

Problem is that if you get the wrong 4mins and I'm detailing a scenario and how it made me feel without the 'so I can see what they mean but here's where she has been my rock' you lose a bit of context iyswim.

My friend also called her a sociopath and told me that everyone at work hates her...the later she knows perhaps not how much everyone dislikes her but gets the gist.

I don't know what she heard. She defriended me on fb and then posted (without naming names) she had heard my true feelings. She also told another friend a snippet from what she heard.

Thing is that I was VERY frustrated by some brownie stuff. I needed to vent. I felt I had to justify being friends with someone that is perceived so negatively so I was kind of telling her what she wanted to hear.

I feel very guilty that she heard whatever she did (the friend I was talking too agreed that the overall gist of convo was about her being not without fault but a huge support to me). She probably heard the worst 4 mins.

It's just the tangke left behind. The money she owes me that I stupidly don't have a full record of...because of this stupid mental illness...

have asked MNHQ to chase your request up for deletion plenty .

I too reported earlier.

I agree that your MH is more precious than anything else. vicar.

If I were in your position (as I sort of was in my last job) I would remain sick and go onto ESA - that is actually what I did, but am older, have savings, and ESA was (slightly) better at assessing MH in those days.

That might not be the best way for you to leave. However, my v h o, only knowing you from your posts, is that you should leave.

Ah I did wonder Plentyofreetime and I'm sure MNHQ will delete asap. However I read it and thought the explanation of V's sickness record and disciplinary procedures really helped me to understand what was going on. You are right in what you say, that the Police (or any big organisation) is not concerned with the problems, ill health of individuals. My dil worked for British Gas some years ago and this was the first time i had heard of sickness being monitored and only allowed so many days a year.

I was fortunate enough to work in a public service (Social Services) andas a middle manager I was required to monitor sick leave. The thing is people in my team stayed for 10 years or more and I knew that if they were off sick, then they were really ill. I did have suspicions about one member but about his work too, and took it up with him, but he made it easy for me and resigned.

Thinking of you Vicar and snowymouse and the lovely basset and all the other people on here who struggle with the torment of mental illness.

I'm in bed.

I'm bored.

I can't get up.

I'm back to square one.

afternoon

hi plenty - you meant to pm me didnt you! thank you - if it gets deleted resend it to me on a pm so i can refer back to it.....

im glad your treatment is finished. I was going to pm you anyway to see how you were getting on.

You do talk sense btw.....always have. Ive been applying for other jobs like billio....still will.

will pm you anyway in case post goes poof

will be back to talk to everyone else in a min....

Hi all

UA thank you for advice re regular walks . I dont do it and hide while knowing it would help reduce the adrenaline surges and fear . Stupid .
I have from today done just that . Thank you .
I wonder how your dad is and so hope that he is comfortable . You have so much on your plate re visiting and caring ....worrying .
Re hair loss . My own thoughts are that due to this evil illness we do not absorb enough of certain vitamins.. particularly Vit B [it gets depleted evidently ]. I take a multivit called Centrium but you can get VitB easily from supermarkets . It excretes any not needed so be warned your wee can be nuclear yellow . Try that maybe ?

Nana lovely to see you pop up . So pleased to read that you have a new psych who is empathetic . Mirt is a good med I believe from others and I so hope that it helps to control the headmonster . Tentatively through your mail I think it is . A summer of content for you in my prayers after a winter of hell . x

ED You sure didnt need this upset re friend at the minute ..no wonder you feel low. I dont know the background but it sounds as though she was a bit controlling and unkind sometimes ? Sadly this bewildering place we all seem to have found ourselves in sorts the wheat from the chaff friend wise .
I do wonder if you give yourself enough pats on the back for the enormous stuff you do achieve. Blimey I would have been necking gin after all that work for Brownie camp .

Snowy thinking of you and hope day treatment is helpful . does it help to read your notes and doctors diagnosis ? Hope it isnt too noisy there. Battered souls do not need that .

SPC You always sound content in your own skin which is lovely and empowering for us here . Hope the mind stuff re parents is getting sorted .

Vicar just a thought and may be a very bad one but hey ho : would you consider asking to be a PSCO for now until you feel confident about whether the job is for you ? Is it an option ? Sorry if this sounds a bit . I worked in the health service and changing to health care assistant for a while and sometimes permanently, worked for some of my ex colleagues . They didnt want to lose their skills but it meant less stress . Less pay of course but you could still look for something else while employed by the force . And a different shift /supervision.

Colouring hope you are ok after the holiday and you are feeling calm and better for the break .

Helles and MrsHels and Tombolo ....where are you Mama ?
waves to you and hope all good with you .

If I have missed anyone apologies .......not meant . remind me x

It helped to read it, to see what they said. In other news, may not do day hospital (they may not suggest it, one CT worker has, one CT hasn't).

Thanks Basset am doing OK thanks, bit wobbly earlier in the week with the whole back to school busyness but am definately a bit better than I was in Feb. A week away from the normal stuff in beautiful scenery and sun is helpful. I also think I have an element of SAD as reviewing with DH I am generally in better spirits in spring and summer... Your advice is really good. How are you doing at the end of this week?

Egg hope your pm picked up a bit.
Vicar will be thinking of you this weekend and doing best to send vibes that make Monday as untraumatic as possible.
Hi snowy good to hear you're getting consistent advice hope it feels OK to be home.
take care everybody x

Wobbly is just the word sometimes Colouring as you describe the beginning of your week . Vulnerable /wobbly ......says it all . Agree that sunshine and light raise spirits ......we have had so little recently .

Am ok and less jittery today. Just always fearful and sometimes it gets overwhelming especially when the demons come at night [as they do ] .
Mindfulness is my friend so must practice more . Thank you for asking x

Glad to hear about fewer jitters, but fearfulness sounds rotten. How long have you been practising mindfulness? My GP mentioned it a while back. I've also seen mindfulness that also part cbt does that make sense? Am seeing a spycho-dynamic counsellor at the moment which is helping, but I do wonder if something like cbt/mindfuless would be good for long term health... Hope you have a peaceful night x