Andes up - who needs a rock to lean on? Rock on over here!

[ThatVikRinA22]

in honour of ed and her mountain ranges.....

welcome to thread 3 - this is a support thread for anyone needing a hand to hold while they get through depression or any other mental health problems - long term or temporary. All are welcome.

linky to old thread

i am horribly defeatist at the best of times but i think i can see whats coming.
i may be wrong but would be surprised if i was wrong.

please keep everything crossed for me and my interview.

I think i could probably prove my case but i also doubt it would be upheld and i have absolutely no desire to follow it through. none.

what im worried about is going to the meeting thinking its about getting me back to work when it could actually just be smoke and mirrors and a way of getting rid of me.

i sound nuts. paranoid. but i sense something in the offing.

Hi Vicar

Awful time for you waiting . And yes they will maybe bring up your sickness record as is usual . First warning maybe or not.
Most of which is probably stress related and you had doctors sicknote . They can issue a warning but dont take it to heart if you can .
Vicar you could not have functioned anymore my love . You had to go sick . You are valuable .....a wife and mum . and you matter a lot .

I hope you have someone to go with you as support to the meeting . Who will take notes and be by your side . It may seem like a trial Vicar but it isnt. Oh my I recall feeling as if it was though . The illness accentuates the feelings of a witch hunt oh yes .

I wish I could be beside you on the day . I will be on your shoulder in the ether .
All I can give you is my thoughts in retrospect having been through similar angst and worry.

You are obviously a very conscientious lady and good policewoman . Passed probation and all reviews have been good. That is fact and on record . Hold your head high .

If you can and it is hard I know .........disengage your emotions from the conference . It is highly personal to you of course it is . But honestly it is a tick box exercise to those face less HR people . You have been ill . You need some help to go back into the workplace . It is their duty to arrange something that will facilitate that return within reasonable means . You are in control then .

Please dont fret if you can . The future is only conjecture [my mantra ]. Lots of good things are out there for you amidst the bad . xx

may have worded this badly .sorry . hope you get my gist and care .

thank you basset

i just want this meeting over with so i know where i stand. I know it will be a tick box exercise - but with the hernia i cant guarantee that i wont get physically ill again, so i will stress just waiting for that to happen.

obviously i will mention this at the meeting - that until i get some permanent treatment for the hernia it may continue to impact on my health and when it does i may need to modify my role for a week or so.

but im so tired. tired of justifying myself. Of trying to explain myself.

i would just like a fresh start.

thank you for listening to me waffle....feeling guilty that im all take and no give on this thread just now.
i feel like my anxiety is bad and being in limbo is counterproductive.

Just popping by to offer hugs to mili vicar and anyone else that needs it. Limbo is horrid. Like you say I suspect the limbo is even worse than a negative outcome. With limbo you are lost in a whirlpool. With no direction. No ability to plan. At least when you get the case conference over you will have (hopefully) direction even if it is an 'undesirable' outcome you will hopefully gain direction and I know that direction would do me a world of good atm as far as my mental health is concerned. So I would say that as long as decisions and plans are made any outcome could be viewed as a positive outcome. Do you have a date for this yet?

Very quick resume of my day as it has been very busy.
Out of bed 11am
Tesco
Chemists
Put shopping away (I hate this job and it can take days)
Load dishwasher
Dtds cooked blts for lunch/tea mid afternoon
Booked theme park tickets
Tidy kitchen. Wipe down. Rubbish out.
Straighten dtds hair.
Shower.
Board games with friends.

I was a bit shaky this afternoon. Think that was because I was entertaining someone I had only met a couple of times and someone I had never met but it actually went really well. I was actually pretty comfortable.

Tomorrow we have a day out. No doubt I will pop in in the evening. I shall be thinking of you all day as I trudge round a theme park with a dodgy neck. I have hit the cocodamol today though which has made it much more bearable.

Anyway. ..I have to drag myself out of bed 3hrs early tomorrow so I guess I had better get to sleep...

Thanks for everyone's concern re. My mum etc. I am fine - mostly relieved as we were not getting the help we needed as a family before this and it was taking an enormous toll on dad. Due to years of abuse etc i'm not close to my mum at all anyway - so although i sympathise for her current situation, i am just glad that my dad and sister are getting a break from her continued abusive bahaviour and stress surrounding her mental health issues. However, it has been a busy few days, topped off by an 8 hour drive home (normally takes 3 hours), so i am absolutely exhausted since i got back.
Vicar - I really hope things get sorted soon for you. Your work situation sounds very stressful and exhausting.
Wishing you all a good day x

Another one popping by to offer hugs to Vicar and everyone else. Vicar, whatever happens, once this work situation is sorted, you are going to feel better, im sure of it. Can you pitcure a date in the future where it will be sorted one way or another and hold on to that date? A day out? A day at the stable with the horses?

Hi vicar how are you doing today?
The paranoia is a deadly symptom when you're in the situation you're in - can you try and tell yourself it's the depression talking? Jeez I get paranoid when someone doesn't return a text

Please don't worry about the give and take thing - tbh its our priviledge to help you for a change. I'm sure you'll be returning the favour in a week or two You're in a horrible situation, be kind to yourself just do the minimum and maybe plan in a day at the stables to look forward to. Hugs x

hi and thank you everyone.

ive got a date to start counselling again, but feel hopelessly embarrassed about it - its with the same person as before but i dont suppose she expected me back quite so soon. feel a bit sheepish.

i jump when ever the phone rings. i dread answering.

im not going to go to the stables until after the interview just in case i do anything that would jeapardise the interview.

i seem to have had a really good few weeks and now this....am struggling to get up again (literally and metaphorically)

Hi vicar I'm sure you're not the first person to return to a counsellor or the last - at least you won't have to start from scratch. From here it looks like the returning to work is causing this worsening. Once that's sorted (one way or the other) I really think you can get back to the better weeks.

Heading Up North now, am hoping I can keep in touch but if not take care everyone and will be saying Hi from a great viewpoint Bugs.

Hugs.

I want my bed

I'm freezing my butt off at drayton manor.

I am literally just standing around because of my neck I can't/won't go on amything.

how was the rest of your day out egg? hope you enjoyed it despite not getting on any rides.

we pay annual homage to Alton Towers.....DH does exactly the same - he ends up 'bag boy' - standing at the side of rides with everyones bags cos he wont go on anything either. we got him on the runaway mine train (its a tiny little roller coaster that kids go on and he screamed like a girl)

My pal phoned earlier and says i sound so flat again

am off to go and have a bath with bubbles and wine and candles....will check back later.

do hope everyone else has had a good day....

Im home.

Im exhausted.

I'm laying on the sofa with a hot chocolate, headache and a wheat pack behind my sore and tense neck and shoulders.

The kids all had a great day. Worked well as we had a big kid that naturally paired up with dd3 for the slightly tamer rides. We had a thrill seaker that was happy to accompany dtd2 on the hard core rides. Dtd1 and a friend were happy to pick and choose between the two or head to the galleon on their own if they didn't fancy either.

I almost didn't go because of my neck but im glad I did because the kids all had a great time. I'm not a big theme park fan, but I prefer drayton to alton towers as it is more compact and has a better balance of rides for dtds and younger dd3.

I want a hot bath as I am still warming it as it was snowing at one point. Dont know if I can be bothered though as I had a shower and did my hair yesterday...

Bloody weather - i swear it makes everything so much bleaker :(

Hope you enjoy your bath Vicar. If the stables are good for your MH Vicar, please go - I don't see how that could jeopardise your interview (unless of course you fall off your horse and end up in full body plaster ) It will do you good - horse therapy should be available on NHS

I had to go back to my counsellor after quite sime time and i was mortified too, it was for an initial assesment but it helped that it was her. I said that i was embarrased and felt i hadn't moved on and she was just said, no no, you are having a crisis and you'll get through it like you did before. It was good to hear. Of course now im waiting on hearing on when i will actually start the counselling proper.

Enjoy the frozen northing, colouring

Had a good day today despite dodgy start - missed the begining of kids club film which would have cost me £3, resulting in a sobbing DD and me caving in and having to spend £20 on a film she wasn't even that keen on seeing and appeasing with popcorn The croods - i know i was in an emotional state because it made me cry (wanker!) We then spent the rest of the day in the museum (thankfully free) but of course blew my weeks budget for days out in one day

Ahhhh yes the Croods. I went to see that last week...you must have been emotional to have cried at that. ..or maybe I was so tired and fell asleep missing the emotional bit..

It was the bit where the dad was going to save all of his family but thought he would have to stay behind, i just had tears rolling down my face, luckily DD didn't notice.

Oh yes. Where he threw them over the canyon?

Thats the bit - I felt so sorry for him, i know its a bit of a disney old chestnut - the daddy having to let go of his little girl when she meets her future husband. Im just pleased that no one was sitting near us

Well, it's nice to be home. The NE is warmer than London!!! (though still cold).

Have been sleeping. A lot. I always need a couple of days recovery after seeing aged P's. I love them, but they are hard work.

Confession time - I haven't had a bath or shower in all the time I've been away - 10 days Am about to have one now though.

UA I had a very hyperactive phase a few weeks ago. I found it very unsettling.

Since then I seem to have been goig from strength to strength. Hope you do to.

Silvery...think I made 12 days once...hope you enjoyed tonights.

I am so tired and stiff. I don't even know if I have the energy to make it upstairs to bed...

Clean,, so clean I'm itchy!

UA I have those phases too, I quite enjoy them but then burn out. But as I am retired and there's only me and DCat, it doesn't matter so much these days. And actually, burning out is probably a protective thing.

If it persists, might be worth seeing GP?

Mind if i join? Everything feels black at the moment and ive avoided social contact alot lately. Can't pick myself up.

Hi there tombliboo - im sorry you are feeling bleak, you will find lots of support on this thread x

Thank you. I'm afraid I haven't read the thread in detail and don't think I have much to give in return.