Sorry

[GracieLoo]

sorry don't know what to do. It's got too much, I hate myself. Taken weeks worth of venlafaxine and some ibuprofen. Phoned cmht out of hours but they said I'm not on their caseload. I'm scared. Shall I just go to bed

Omg I forgot my meds yesterday and I feel really dreadful. Took it first thing today but wish there was something I could do to feel better. Can't even think properly, shaky, heart palpatations and constant dizziness. And just want to sleep or cry!

Hi Gracie.
Nothing wrong with crying or sleeping if that is what you want to do.
Did you get out of routine with your meds?

Yeah was rushing yesterday morning to get LO to her dads, and in the frame of mind that everything needs to be done perfectly and right now! Keep putting washing on, tidying up, even started Xmas shopping and can't stop thinking about what needs to be done next. So kept thinking I need to take meds then forgot, then got an awful headache so just slept. It's the dizziness and racing heart that is the worst.

Does the doctor advise you what to do for when you forget the meds?

The instruction leaflet usually says what to do if you miss a dose.

Felt not so good today, on edge and having bad thoughts, and so irritable. Got to day hospital and told I have to go mon, wed and fri this week. I know they need to do it gradually before discharge, but I don't feel ready. Haven't been asked if I'm feeling better, I don't feel any different to when I started and other people seem to be there longer. Maybe thats part of my problem, that I become reliant on support, but I feel unstable and want to go tomorrow! Had a cry this afternoon, now trying to hold it together til lo's bedtime.

Tell them you dont feel readay,when you see them on Wednesday,unless there is someone else you need to contact about it in the meantime.
It is a shame that there isnt someone on hand in RL to help you out with this stuff.
Are you sure there isnt anybody,anybody at all that is reliable and available that would help you out.Perhaps someone who has offered their help before,even months ago?
And is there a sort of mentor in these places who could help liase on your behalf?
You could pm me and tell me roughly the area where you live. I told you where I live but my guess is I am not in the same region as you.

Do u mean family and friends? A few do know I'm struggling but everyone's got their own lives, work, family etc, and there's only so much they can do. I also think it's too hard to tell close family what is going on in your head, and even if they care I don't think they understand. Just went for a walk with LO to clear my head which is a tempory get away from self harming and thoughts, but the numbness is still there. Don't think I'm ever going to be free of this. I live in the south east. I do have my sw but she's away this week, and a good HV but it's not her area of work. Just craving wine and tablets as a release from being like this!

Time in day hospital can be very time limited.

Yeah, it's just that once u get settled and feel more comfortable there and start being able to talk, your discharged and back to how it was before. I feel so fed up of all this, it's hard constantly fighting it. This can't be good for those around me, it's no life for anyone.

I've got lower and lower, really tried not to. Got an urge to put a cord round my neck to just feel that panic, broke some glass to SH, sorry trying not to go into detail. I have had a 'normal' conversation with sister, tried watching a film, gone to look at LO sleeping, but nothings worked. Have now phone crisis team and waiting for a call back. My LO is so happy and lovely, I'm going to ruin her if this continues, I don't want that, she deserves a mum who doesn't want to die.

How are you today?
I had to go to bed early,as I have a heavy cold.

Taken LO to nursery, back to normality for her. Don't know if I'm the only one who does this, just sat staring at the phone, hoping someone will call as so desperate to speak to someone but scared to make that call. Will have to wait til day hospital tomorrow but that feels a long time from now.

This is what I have been thinking.That you need adult company and support.
Now what I am going to suggest may be a wacky idea and not suited to your circumstances.
I have been wondering if you would find it helpful to have a lodger.

As for today,do you have people you need to ring,eg to sort out a bill.
Or else could you go to a park and talk to someone,or do maybe non urgent shopping.

I went shopping and LO and I both had a nap this pm, although paying for it now as she's having trouble going to sleep. Something happened today which is worrying me and making me realise I am damaging her, emotionally but unintentionally. LO was cross with me as we were going straight home and she wanted to go to the park. As I put her in the car I noticed her rubbing her hand and trying not to cry, she said she bit her hand. I said don't do that, I'm not cross with u. She has never seen me SH but has seen scars which I've just said were accidents. What if she ends up like me, that's why I shouldn't carry on fighting this, it's doing her no good. I feel awful.

GracieLoo,that is the reason you should keep on fighting it.
So that she doesnt SH.
If she lost you,her situation would end up 10 times worse.
There are safe ways through this.It may be a short process,it may be a longer one,but you and her are so worth it.

What now though? Had a crap day, cried lots, crying now, feel like I can't catch my breath, don't even know what 'strategies' to use, that we taught to make everything magically better! Two day left at day hospital, don't know what the point of it is, if anything I feel worse and more of a failure. Just really scared, scared of crying so much, scared of the future, scared of my messed up thoughts. I can go to gym, not drink, take the meds properly then suddenly hit rock bottom again, what else can I do? God I feel like screaming, running away and hurting myself so much.

Can you remember any of the strategies?
Do they encourage you to cry there?
Do they discuss things that have happened in your past,though I dont think I have read or seen any posts about your past,so dont know whether it was good or not so good.
Is it PND that you have got,or are other things involved too.

Been trying to distract myself but the slightest thing is setting me off. They don't ask about past as it's not that kind of support. It's definitely not PND anymore. I've seen personality traits disorder? somewhere on a letter, but haven't been told it's anything but depression. Chest feeling really tight tonight, sat with pills and stuff next to me but not to do anything as LO here, but feeling very detached. I don't even know what I'm rambling on about. Maybe I should be in a proper hospital or just not here at all.

How are you feeling today?

Haven't cried today, been for a walk and did a bit of housework, but absolutely exhausted and spaced out. They can't say I'm not trying though. Also written down stuff which I will make them read tomorrow and not get fobbed off or dismissed. They are now thinking of referring me to a complex needs service? Another thing to try, new people to meet, it's good there's help out there but I'm feeling drained and completely fed up of it all. Can feel the will to get better slowly disappearing, have no energy left any more.

If anyone's been to complex needs group before, I would like to know more about it. The professionals are so vague. I want to cry and cry and hide away all weekend.

Complex Cases is usually the service for people with a diagnosis, or symptoms, of personality disorder. It isn't necessarily intrinsically different to other mental health services - they are just more used to working with people who have the same type of problems as you, and may offer more appropriate treatment. It's hard to say what happens because it varies from area to area - some offer DBT and are very well set up to work with PDs, others don't even have a service. If it is what they are suggesting then it is probably going to be the best service for you.

Last day at hospital tomorrow. Just hate my life, how it's come to this. Feeling empty inside, still got plans to end, still got no motivation for life, did nice things for LO today, she had a lovely time, but just think it will be a nice memory for her. I've become a horrible person and I can't live like that anymore.