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Original poster

Sorry

188 replies

GracieLoo · 05/08/2012 01:57

sorry don't know what to do. It's got too much, I hate myself. Taken weeks worth of venlafaxine and some ibuprofen. Phoned cmht out of hours but they said I'm not on their caseload. I'm scared. Shall I just go to bed

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/08/2012 08:29

Even if other peoples problems in the hospital are worse than yours,you do need some help from there,so you will not be wasting their time at all.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 29/08/2012 11:53

Saw my sw, got the impression she was annoyed with me and basically said nothings changing, but she doesn't know if day hospital will be right for me, also she's changing our weekly appts to fortnightly as seeing her isn't helping?! I can't make sense of what she wants me to do. Got assessment for day hospital tomorrow but dreading it even more now. She also asks me if I'm doing all this cos I don't want sole care of LO and social services will get involved! I said no! Was first time I've seen her and not cried, was too confused and scared, but I came home and broke down. See no hope or future for me now.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/08/2012 12:11

Oh heck Gracie.Sending you hugs.
fwiw,I dont think she wants to get social services involved.I think she would have done that already if she was going to.
I can understand you getting very upset and worried though.Hugs again.
And actually her changing the appointments to fortnightly instead of weekly would also seem to me that she doesnt intend to get social services involved.

From what you have written on this thread,I think the sw wants you to take the correct dosage of pills that was precribed.Are you doing that now?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 29/08/2012 12:27

I do forget to take it sometimes but I was honest and told her that, and it wasn't done on purpose. But I know taking the whole lot in one go is no good. Cos my heads such a mess and I keep crying I'm writing it all done to hand in to her office today.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 29/08/2012 12:31

Good ,well done.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 30/08/2012 10:34

In waiting room of hospital, I feel so uncomfortable and scared! I don't belong here. Someone next to me is talking to himself. Don't see how this is going to make me feel better, anxiety is sky high and I feel even more like a bad mum and want to run away.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 30/08/2012 10:51

You are not a bad mum,you are a good mum.Stay put.See what they can do for you.
Can understand that you are feeling very scared and uncomfortable right now.

IvanaNap · 30/08/2012 17:36

Well done for getting to the hospital. That alone is A Good Thing for a mum to do - taking care of her health. Keep at it.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 31/08/2012 16:50

Day hospitals are horrible places! Feel on edge now and not sure I'm doing the right thing, although it's not my choice! And just phoned work to say I've been signed off for two week, feel horrible and embarrassed. Don't think they're too happy with me. Everything's getting worse, apart from LO who is wanting me with her more, making me feel more loved by her but she's probably feeling insecure because of this whole situation.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 31/08/2012 17:24

Your LO loves you.I can guarantee you that.
Agree that hospitals are not the nicest places in the world to be in.
You are doing the right thing.
Work will have to manage without you.We all get sick from time to time.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 03/09/2012 16:29

Really not finding day hospital any help. Kept safe at the weekend as had LO all weekend and stayed at my mums but felt, and still feel, extremely stressed, irritable, completely fed up. And was so tired, slept a lot. Still having thoughts of buying/taking pills, have overwhelming thoughts of giving up. Would have been nice to talk through some of this today, but I didn't speak to anyone other than the other patients. I really hate it there, it's making me feel so confused about everything. All we did was a quiz then some went on a walk. I sat in the tv room crying for half hour and no one noticed. I don't see the benefits.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 03/09/2012 16:58

I am new to this,and hopefully someone will be along later on here to help.
What do they try and do for you there?

fluffydressinggown · 03/09/2012 19:53

I feel really sad reading your thread Gracie.

I am in hospital at the moment for similar reasons and it is really hard. When I first went to hospital I found it totally overwelhming and often felt that I did not deserve the help, or that others were more unwell. I think it is human to compare yourself and some people do display their illness more, but it is hard to get a place at hospital and if you need one then you deserve it.

You have to brave asking to speak to staff, I used to rehearse the conversation before I had it. The staff will make time and the more you talk to them the easier it gets. Do you have any hobbies you can do there? I spend a lot of time cross stitching, it fills the time and keeps my hands busy.

I too am very hard on myself, self harm and overdosing are upsetting things to do to yourself and sometimes I can feel trapped by my behaviour. I try to think that at the moment I am unable to take responsibility for keeping myself safe, I have tried and I am unable but what I can do is ask for help and let other people take some of that responsibility for me. Would it help you to think of things like that?

Take care

Original poster
GracieLoo · 03/09/2012 21:21

I can't do this, any of it! What's wrong with me, want to feel normal, or just happy sometimes without knowing that follows a happy moment is days of pain and sadness. I used to dream of being a mum but I never imagined it to be like this. I'm failing her so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
GracieLoo · 03/09/2012 21:23

And thank u for the replies. It does help to think they are taking control of me as I can't look after myself, just feels wrong. I don't understand how the system works.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 04/09/2012 08:57

Going to ask today if I can stop going, as sw is coming to see me there for a meeting with the key carer too. Dreading going, hearts racing and I get nervous, would rather be at home

OP posts:
amillionyears · 04/09/2012 09:10

I think you might benefit from staying longer.
I so agree that you need to know how the system works.Ideally someone in RL could find out for you.Hopefully someone on here could help you with that too.
Do you feel able to ask a nurse that you like or get on better with,or the key carer, what it is that they are trying to do for you?

Upwardandonward · 04/09/2012 14:13

Good luck for your meeting.

Upwardandonward · 05/09/2012 10:58

How's it going Gracie?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 05/09/2012 15:58

I have to keep going until next week. Yesterday and today during sessions I started crying and couldn't stop. I don't know why, just it all getting on top of me. Starting to feel maybe it is the right place and bit worried about what happens after. Bought some paracetamol today as had none in the house, know it's not a clever thing to do but I just did it. I hate crying infront of people, but another lady patient gave me a hug, and suppose it's quite nice to know they understand as they're going through similar stuff.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 05/09/2012 16:08

I have been thinking about you.I somehow think it is the right place for you.
What do you mean by "bit worried about what happens after"?
And can I ask if you get paracetamol,as a sort of get out clause iyswim?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 05/09/2012 16:18

Yeah I just feel if I've got tablets, they're here if I need them, know that sounds silly. Just worried as it will have been a daily support for two weeks then it'll be back to how it was. Just waiting for a miracle to happen and I wake up feeling completely different! But I know it's down to me and it takes time, but it's so hard to see a future right now. Also don't like the fact I'm being observed and assessed but I don't know what they're saying about me!

OP posts:
amillionyears · 05/09/2012 16:43

If you were to put the tablets at the back of a difficult to get to cupboard,all wrapped up with sellotape and difficult to get into,then you would know that you had them somewhere.But you might then sort of stop thinking about them. If anybody by the way,thinks this is awful advise,please say so.

We will hope and pray Gracie that your future is bright.

I should imagine that the being observed and assessed is perfectly routine.
Would they let you see your notes if you ask them?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 06/09/2012 21:31

Been at day hospital a week now, still find it a hard place to be, as would anyone, but now feeling anxious about leaving there next week. Had a tearful horrible day yesterday, today have felt on a high but now drinking a bottle of wine. I don't understand how I feel, better, worse, the same! Never know what the next days going to be like which I hate. Plus a wkend alone this wkend, will be a test I suppose.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 06/09/2012 22:03

Hi GracieLoo.Am beginning to realise there is a pattern with you,dont know if you realise it yourself.
When you have had a bit better day,you worry about tomorrow.
When you have had a bad day,you worry about that one.

There is somewhere that says "Do not worry about tomorrow,today has enough troubles of its own".
In other words,you need only deal with today.Nobody knows what is coming tomorrow.it takes practice to do this.
So,if you have a good day,good. If you have a bad day,well tomorrow is another day.
We can all plan tomorrow of course,but that is it.