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Original poster

Sorry

188 replies

GracieLoo · 05/08/2012 01:57

sorry don't know what to do. It's got too much, I hate myself. Taken weeks worth of venlafaxine and some ibuprofen. Phoned cmht out of hours but they said I'm not on their caseload. I'm scared. Shall I just go to bed

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Bedtime1 · 07/08/2012 04:35

Gracie

Try not to worry. It's your anxiety with the racing thoughts, it will pass, it will ease off and you will calm down a bit. No one wants to take your child.
Why do you not care anymore? Do you have a partner who supports you or any family or friends? Remember your child will be lost without you. Think of him or her first. Do not give up hope. Have faith.

themadfiddler · 07/08/2012 22:33

how are you tonight gracie?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 08/08/2012 08:11

Last couple of nights have been hard, wanted to take more tablets, had to fight it as I don't want to put LO at risk when we're here together. So confused. Last night I was so on edge, made myself go into lo's room to look at her and try to tell myself I need to stay around. But I don't feel it 100%. I don't know how I feel, and seeing sw this morning, how on earth am I going to explain things? So scared of the outcome if I'm completely honest.

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themadfiddler · 08/08/2012 08:51

you did good :) write it all down and give it to her. that would be easier if talking is hard or you will forget bits. remember to press that you need help NOW. do you have anybody to be with you during appt? good luck btw

Original poster
GracieLoo · 10/08/2012 20:48

So down. Been crying lots today, scared of another weekend being alone with these feelings. So hard fighting the urges, wanting to do it so much but knowing how much it would hurt people. Also scared if I phone for help the outcome would be LO taken off me. It's so messed up that I risk taking myself away from her, but don't want her taken from me. I don't understand what's going on in my head and I can't take it much longer.

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crisisofidentity · 10/08/2012 21:09

Gracie,
Whatever it is you can talk it through, this is your lowest, you can get through this and out the other side, you have a wonderful child who needs you.
How did the sw go?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 12/08/2012 14:14

Sw is trying to sort out my meds, up the dose and arrange weekly prescriptions etc. And made me do a questionnaire which made her question admission to a day hospital. I don't know about that really.

I haven't had LO but have put on a front this weekend as seen people, and have avoided alcohol. Nearly bought it tho, and thought about buying paracetamol. Keep having horrible dreams about not breathing, or od'ing and being in hospital. Even in my sleep I can't escape.

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amillionyears · 12/08/2012 14:21

Sweetheart,do you hear voices?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 12/08/2012 14:57

I don't know, stuff goes on in my head, thoughts I don't want to have, like just take the tablets it doesn't matter, or that people don't like me and they talk about me.

Feel so detached from LO when she's not here, and get nervous when it gets nearer to picking her up. Sound so stupid. I love her, but I don't feel like she's mine.

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tweedlezee · 14/08/2012 10:33

This is the saddest thing i have ever read. I love you and I have never met you. I have an urge to hug you. Mothers should be hugged more because mothers are love and life. Please keep in touch with mumsnet and please continue to reach out to people xxxxxxx

Original poster
GracieLoo · 14/08/2012 21:11

Thanks tweedlezee, thought people would hate me for my thoughts and actions. Right now I feel a failure as a mum, actually I always feel like that. But LO doesn't want to be with me, I know she doesn't. She wants to be with her dad or nan. Wish I had taken more pills the other night.

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CatsInChaos · 15/08/2012 15:57

How are you today? Hope you alright, just been reading through your thread.
{{{{Hugs}}}}

Please keep talking to MNet. People on here are lovely! I'm not having a great day myself.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/08/2012 18:05

My daughter hates me! I'm a rubbish mum. No one can tell from the outside but it's how I feel inside and I can tell by the way she looks at me. Want to cry, close to breaking down.

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CatsInChaos · 15/08/2012 18:26

How old is your DD? (hope you don't mind me asking.)
I'm sure she doesn't hate you. It's just what we think when we are having a bad day. Try and be strong and hang in there!

My DD is 3 and I'm thinking of giving her an early night. DD and DS have been driving me up the wall today! Sad

PeanutButterCupCake · 15/08/2012 18:28

Am sure she doesn't hate you OP...that's your illness talking.
A girl always needs her mum.

Keeping talking and engaging RL support.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 15/08/2012 20:13

She's 3, but very aware and bright. She doesn't want to be with me. I don't know what to do, I never wanted to be like this, all I ever wanted to be was a mum and it's been a struggle from the start. I can't carry on anymore. Now crying, been bottling it up for a while.

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fridakahlo · 15/08/2012 21:13

Gracie, you are depressed, it distorts all of your thinking and makes a three year old having a bad day seem, to you, that it is all your fault. It's not, your dd loves you very much, just kids and especially toddlers can have an odd way of showing it.
She needs you, you.are her mummy and she will never have another.
Huge massive hugs xx

CatsInChaos · 15/08/2012 21:14

It is hard when they are young! The first few years take an awful lot out of you, believe me I know!! I also have a very bright, lively 3 year old. Do you get help from a Health visitor? I know they are not there 24 hours a day but it's someone who might be able to help with any age related issues.

I know it is hard but you need to be strong! You will get through this.

GhouliaYelps · 15/08/2012 21:31

Oh sweetheart things will improve just hang on there, do you have any family support?

Have you always suffered or was it after having your baby?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 16/08/2012 08:57

Want to sleep all day, head feels all foggy. Had to get up to LO in the night and felt like I was going to pass out.
I do have support of HV but feel like they've done all they can. I try to keep stuff from my family as I don't want to worry them and I feel ashamed. Got GP appt today about my meds, don't want to go. Sorry for moaning, just feels like a safe place to do it.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 16/08/2012 08:59

Oh, and think I have always had some kind of depression but it did get a lot worse when I had LO.

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TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 16/08/2012 09:10

It's good that you have a GP appointment isn't it? I know you feel as if you don't want to go and there's no help for you but maybe an adjustment of your meds is just what you need to help you on the road to feeling better.

Your LO does love you, and you love her. You are doing your best but you are not well. That's ok. It's bloody hard. But it can and will get better. It really will.
You're not a terrible mother, you just need a bit of help and that's ok. The help is there. The first step is your GP and changing your meds.

Baby steps, day by day, hour by hour.

CatsInChaos · 16/08/2012 19:26

How was today GracieLoo? Hope things went o.k.

I had a better day.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 17/08/2012 11:21

Omg I'm scared, I know I need help. Too ashamed to say what I'm doing right now just before my appt, but I know it's not right. I think they'll say I'm not well to care for LO, so I don't want to say. And I think everyone thinks I'm fine but just attention seeking.

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amillionyears · 17/08/2012 11:25

Do you need to ring 999 right away?