Sorry

[GracieLoo]

sorry don't know what to do. It's got too much, I hate myself. Taken weeks worth of venlafaxine and some ibuprofen. Phoned cmht out of hours but they said I'm not on their caseload. I'm scared. Shall I just go to bed

did you write anything in your happy book this week?
Can you watch a comedy,or a walk might be nice if the weather is ok.
I dont know whether you live in a rural area or a city area.

I have been trying to think of nicer stuff, look at photos etc. Went to gym earlier but nothing I do takes away these feelings. Maybe I'm more messed up than I think, or I'm just an attention seeker. Would love to be happy tho, forgotten what that's like.

What is wrong with me! Why do I want to do this so badly? Minds racing with stuff yet I find myself making plans. I don't think I want to die but I can't carry on like this, I want to damage myself and if it goes wrong I don't care.

If you're feeling like this your meds are not working in the way they should- whether that's adjustment time or a different dose or different script altogether. You need to be confiding in someone IRL so they can help you.

Yeah but it's all my fault.

How is it your fault Gracie?

It's me that is a failure, with these horrible thoughts and I chose to take the od's making me a horrible horrible person.

You haven't chosen to feel like this Gracie.

Nobody would choose to feel that way. You can choose to get more support though, are there out of hours services in your area?

Took od again, I know it's stupid, I don't know what to say when people ask why I did it. Hospital did tests and they were ok so they just sent me home, even though I told them I has more pills. Now got to get more meds for the week, and so scared of sw reaction, she's going to be so disappointed in me. Maybe I'll say she can discharge me if she's fed up of me.

She could be disappointed in herself and how she has supported you (or not) - you need more help, Gracie - to you feel able to ask for it?

Yeah but what help is there?

The bank holiday may change what is available to you, but look here www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health or call the Samaritans as a first port of call?

Thank u. Just feel completely lost and scared. Bit upset at how I was treated at hospital, made me feel worse. Dreading the calls from professionals on tuesay when they hear about what I've done. Think I'm slowly losing the plot.

I would think after two attempted suicides you need to be in hospital.

But then everyone will know. I've made such a mess of it all, wish I could run away. Feel so torn, as love LO and want the best for her but what if that's not being with me

^That is a good starting place to talk, Gracie. Quote that back word for word to one of the phone lines listed, and talk it through. You owe it to yourself and your DD to do so.

Gracie - Hi, I have only just seen your thread and felt compelled to reply.

I know this about you (and not me) just I wanted you to know that you are not alone, that you will get better and that you are a good mum.

I have had (kinda still have) PTSD, Anxiety disorder, Agoraphobia for 21 years and at its worse I felt exactly the same as you - the thoughts are linked to OCD which are undoubtedly one of the harder symptoms to deal with - along with the detached feeling (have you read up about depersonalization? - which is what they call this).

You are ill and there is NOTHING to be ashamed of - would you feel ashamed if you had any other physical illness? I would suspect not - mental illness is no different - it gets treated and you get better (or at least learn to get along with it!)

You are beating yourself up - which really wont help - you DO need to help raise your self esteem and unfortunetly only you can do this.... one small step at a time. Be kind to yourself.

I have been there - and I do understand how bleak it looks at the bottom - but there is a way up and you will get better. Your daughter needs her wonderful mum to get better.

Take care and keep talking either here or in RL

btw despite (and because of) my illness I trained to become a SW several years ago - you are not mad and you are worth fighting for.

I feel that I'm making myself like this. I don't have to take the tablets or SH but I still do. I don't know why. Thinking of not going to work tomorrow and asking for help but don't know if that's the right thing to do. My wrist hurts from trying to cut it sat night but not succeeding. I don't want to be known as a messed up depressed person.

I don't know what to do! Horrible nights sleep, heads all over the place. I don't know what's normal or whats not anymore.

GracieLoo I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

I think that would be a good decision, to stay off work tomorrow and ask for help. After all, someone with a physical illness would stay off work and concentrate on getting better. Who might you contact for help tomorrow?

Can't stop thinking bad stuff, and doing stupid things. Spoke to sw, seeing her tomorrow and she's referring me to day hospital, maybe starting thurs. Absolutely terrified, ashamed and devasted for my LO. How did I end up like this?

Please don't be ashamed that you have an illness through no fault of your own. Hope all goes well with the day hospital and that you'll be able to start there soon.

Your LO is only 3.She may well not remember much at this time.Getting your self better for her is a good thing to do.

Feel so scared and guilty though. This is so horrible. Wish my head wasn't such a mess, but I feel other people's problems are much worse and if I end up at the hospital I'll be wasting their time. I need to try anything to be a better happier mum.