Feeling Overwhelmed - again.

[DumbledoresGirl]

Just that. I am feeling overwhelmed again. Nothing really to complain of and no crisis to deal with, but I feel so overwhelmed and despondant.

Anyone else feeling this way today who would like to talk sympathetically to a fellow sufferer?

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I am sorry giddy, but I don't know your situation. Do you want to off load about it to me?

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Re: Tonks' patronus, I wonder if it's because she's a shapeshifter herself? The alternative explanation is that JK thinks our very essence is tranformed (and not in a good way) by falling in love, and I can't see that.

Giddy, I think you're right, and it's a question of how you achieve that in a way that's fair to both dds. You had dd1 for so long on her own, this is a tough transition, but you have two gorgeous girls who need you and dh, hellish though that is to manage!

Hmm. Maybe my musings were not so helpful. DG, I hope at least we have cheered you this evening?

Think you;ve probably all left for the night now, and I have come in very tired and nauseous so wont hang around.

Still cant decide on my patronus or how I'd call it.

I like Minerva as a name. Do you think it's still free? I cant do it tonight so let 's see if it's still free tomorrow

Hope you are okay this evening DG

Well, I felt quite cheerful yesterday but I am back to having a bad day today. I think I will let the Dementors have their miserable way with me today.

NASWM, I haven't seen any Minervas before, but who knows? Did you over indulge last night? Hope you feel better today.

Tribpot, thinking about it, JKR couldn't mean that being in love makes you weak as Dumbledore has the exact opposite message for Harry. H says his ability to love is his greatest weapon against Voldemort. I think her Patronus is weak because she is so unhappy about Remus not accepting her. But I still don't understand why her Patronus changed its form, unless it is because love changes us.

Oh just been looking through that Wiki site you linked to last night and it explains a lot. Not sure where they get all their information from though. I am off upstairs to find out where it says Dumbledore's Patronus is a phoenix (that passed me by completely) and to take a bit of strength from the wisdom of Dumbledore.

Remember you can fight the effect of the Dementors with chocolate DG!

I'm not sure about Dumbledore's patronus being a phoenix. Wonder if JK will clear up the mystery around Tonks' patronus in the final book.

No I have been sitting in ds1's room reading his copy of The Order of the Phoenix, and I can't see any mention of D's Patronus. Great chapter though: the one where Umbridge and fudge find out about the Dumbledore's Army meetings and try to arrest Dumbledore. God I love that man.

I shall remember the chocolate for tonight. Thanks.

Hi guys

I dont think I'm up to contributing much of any worth tonight. Had late night last night and haven't felt that good since (not from over-indulging DG, wouldn't feel quite so miffed if it was!). Also thinnk it will be hard for people to remember and no one will ever be able to spell it - I cant

I couldn't get Minerva. but I did get McGonagall, although I dont know if I'll use it or not. Still feel very much like NASWM at the moment. (Nas is SO far from my name in RL, DG - but I quite like it too!)

Patronus. I'm still struggling. Maybe becuase my head is full of so much other rubbish at the moment (you can tell I'm going through another bad patch can't you). I will think on it more and get back to you

Oh NASWM, you don't just want to chat do you? I am having a bad day today too.

I'm still here as well, but currently trying to get some work done too, argh! Entirely my own fault, couldn't get settled into it properly this avo, penalty for working at home.

NASWM, may the McGonagall be with you.

DG, sorry you've had a bad day. I like the chapter where Fred and George fly off into the sunset. Also I love that bit where Prof McGonagall tells Peeves that the chandelier unscrews the other way (Is it tragic I can remember that?)

I don't recall the Peeves bit but yes I remember the Fred and George flying off into the sunset bit vividly. You could tell JKR was taking the piss a bit at the time - doesn't she actually use the phrase flying off into the sunset? Brilliant stuff.

Just having a total melt down here. I am on my own tongiht with the 4 kids and I lost it with dd. I can't say what I did to her as you will call SS if I do, but I instantly felt a complete shit afterwards and wanted to cry.

Maybe DG but not sure I can cope. sorry dont mean to be rude but dont know what I can manage right now

Want to tell me about your day. I;m listening

x posted DG. Dont beat yourself up about losing it with your DD. I have been losing it with my DS for the past few days. Feel awful about it. It;s not his fault. Talk

If I had four kids, I would simply demand SS cart me away to the nearest lunatic asylum/spa facility! Respect to you DG for being able to cope at all. FOUR! (Mind is boggling, I only have one and I'm at meltdown point!).

Try not to beat yourself up, what a tough time you must be having

That is the worst bit. It is not my kids' fault. It is my fault.

The other day I had a phone call from someone I haven't spoken to since before I got married - 12 years. We were trying to do a quick catch up - you know, what have you done with your life in the last 12 years - and basically it made me realise that all I have done is have 4 kids and sink into a mire of despondency and low self esteem. I don't do any of the things I used to do when he last knew me and I was young and adventurous and fun.

Also, I kept using the kids as an excuse as to why we never went anywhere or did anything, as if my kids are disturbed or unmanageable and make ordinary events impossible. They are nothing like that really. They are lovely, bright, enthusiastic, well-behaved kids, but they feel like a chain around my neck.

Sorry waffling. Not really able to explain it all properly. Like I said on Monday, just feeling overwhelmed.

Oh DG you sound very low

Do you know what has brought this on just now? was it something specific or a combination of things?

Dont forget that the most wonderful amazing thing you have achieved in the past 12 years is bring 4 children in to the world. You are their mum and they love you for that. Even if you are going through a low patch you are still there for them. There will be loads of time to do other thngs when they are off at Uni etc. I think we all underestimate the huge role of parenting and expect to be superwomen doing everything we did before kids as well as bring them up. That only happens in the movies.

Well done you for being their mum

I know I have done an amazing thing in having my children but I feel very sefish at the moment. All I can see is how they have prevented me from being the me I was.

I can't say anything in particular has started this off, but increasingly, I have become more and more aware that my child rearing days are stretching on and on (compared to other people). I will give one example of what I mean: I have one good friend who did not have any children until I had had my second. I know, because she once told me that seeing my ds2 as a newborn inspired her to go ahead and have kids of her own. She went on to have two: one ayear older than my third child, and one a year younger than my third child. I then went on and had my fourth (I know, my decision to have 4, but...) Anyway, her two children are now in full time education and I, who started a family years before her, still have another year and a half before my youngest goes to school. By the time he does, I will have been a SAHM for 11 and a half years.

None of the above is helped by the fact that I actually started my family later than average, so most women the same age as me are possibly mothers of teenagers and in a completely different stage of their lives. I am still wiping my little one's bottom.

Also, you get people here (and I don't mean this nastily) complaining that they have been a SAHM for three or four years and are finding it hard, and I think, "Oh poor you, try it for 10 years."

I have just been at this game too long. I really don't mean any offence to anyone and I feel strongly for anyone going through the half of what I am going through, so please forgive me if any comments grate against anyone reading this. I am suffering with burn out. I am not my true self right now.

Oh DG that must be tough. You sound so worn out and fed up and in need of some respite.

I am going to suggest somoe things whcih you will possibly think are impossible but I hope you dont mind me doing it.

1. plan some time away from the kids. (I know that isn't easy with DH working etc but try to get something in the diary. A regular eve off would be good or even a few days... (might be impossible but you never know)

2. what about doing some sort of study/course/distant learning? You could do it at your own pace in the little time you get to yourself? Could be related to your old careeer or totally different, but basically something to use your brain in a different way and just for you. What about learning a language?

3. keep talking. Either on here, or cat me if you want to give more info etc. For me, I know I am VERY low at the moment but talking (and typing) does help a great deal.

Hang in there. Think of Dumbledore. Dont you wish you could be in Hogwarts right now. I do.

God, if I phoned someone I hadn't spoken to in 12 years and they'd said "I've had four kids" I would think MY GOD WELL DONE YOU! (Before I had ds I would have thought, right, and what else?)

Of course they have prevented you from doing some things, that's the nature of having kids. And I don't blame you for resenting that - it is a huge and crushing responsibility, an enormous amount of work and energy. I think you're in "the slog", the stage when it's work work work and no fun, and it all seems bloody miserable. I don't think there's a cure for that (except don't have number 5!), except to have like-minded folk to share it all with.

Incidentally, my hairdresser has 4 kids, the oldest is 18 and the youngest is 2. Imagine how many years of full-time childcare she has to look 'forward' to. She must be mad! (With no offence intended to anyone on MN in a similar boat).

DG you still here?

I really need to have a bath and get to bed now I'm afraid. Hospital appointment with DSs tomorrow and dont want to have a tired brain so I can take all the info in.

Try to go to bed early and read some HP. Think I'll do the same. (I've got couple of books on tape with whatshisname reading them - steven fry, that's it - if I can find a tape player I'll listen to them in bed. Gripping)

Let's speak tomorrow. x

Sorry rant alert (not directed at you NASWM, just me letting off steam):

Thank you for your suggestions. I have tried many of them believe me!

I tried going back to work when I only had 3 but couldn't hack it as I was a teacher and I just didn't have the energy and the enthusiasm for other people's children to do a good job.

Since then I have often thought about going back to work again, either teaching (I have even visited schools with vacancies but always chickened out of applying) or doing something else. I have thought about it so much, I am now quite clear in my mind that I could only work right now if it was something I could do from home. Childcare would be too difficult and too expensive otherwise.

I have tried courses. I would like to retrain and get a different career going, but I can't find anyway of setting that up. I considered a returning to teaching course but again chickened out as I was sure there was an obligation to then work after the course had finished.

I tried to learn Italian last term (evening classes) but it was cancelled due to lack of students (anyway, I missed most of the lessons that did take place as dh is so often away).

I would love to go out with dh but we have no baby sitter (new to area and who would babysit 4 kids anyway? - no parents near by). In the last few months I have taken to going out by myself leaving dh to babysit. I have been to the cinema 3 times. Actually that has been positive, because, although I would prefer to go with dh and have someone to talk to after the film, I have found it uplifting to at least have seen some current films again. (I have seen HP and the Goblet of Fire for instance!)

Dh is always suggesting we have a w/e away from the kids but again it is hard to organise. My parents don't exactly volunteer to have my children anymore (because there are too many of them now and my parents are getting on in years) and his parents are in Australia. His mother comes over every summer for a few months but she also finds having all 4 difficult. I guess this summer we might be able to get my parents to have 2 of our kids and my MIL to have the other 2 at the same time. Perhaps we could get 2 w/e that way by getting them to swap the next time?

As for talking to someone, I refer you to my old name: Lonelymum. People asked me to change it but I dond't know why I did as it most accurately describes me.

Do I wish I was in Hogwarts with Dumbledore right now? Even if we were facing Voldemort, YOU BET!

Sorry I took so long writing that. I had a little cry along the way.

In fairness Tribpot, my friend who rang up has had 2 kids of his own and he was very supportive and did respond as you suggested saying I had loads on my plate and wow 4 kids! etc. Also, his kids are a bit older and he was very encouraging about how it will get easier with time.

Oh and no chance of number 5: dh has had the snip.

Come on DG let's pretend to walk around the castle and cause all sorts of mayhem. I've got an invisibility cloak and think I know where Hermione left her time turner. The Dementors wouldn't stand a chance against a hole host of MN patronuses. Just imagine.....

Now I really am going to have a bath.

Cat me DG if you want. I dont have 4 kids, but the 2 I have easily make up for it. So may not be able to empathise but can sympathise.

Hang in there.