I have been sectioned.

[lazyhazydaisy]

I have just got access to the internet. I am much less petrified than I was at first but definitely 0 out of ten. I have a tribunal and if that fails I think I will be here until July. I feel as though I am living in a nightmare. I have never felt so alone.

Seriously? You asked a man who did this to you, destroyed you, who you still refer to as DP to speak to your child, but you, personally, refuse to deal with your children?

What 'truth' will he know at 21? He will have his own truth, and that will include the fact his mother refused to see him. Money means nothing.

I'm not sure there is anything I can say that will change your mind though.

Polite notice to all:
read the fucking thread
(esp about the 7 stone 84 year old with Alzhimers and the 61 year old woman,also 7 stone who was tethered on her knees in a police van after they broke her wrist, which was never reset.
Or send a donation (£!2) to RETHINK
Time for bed for me now. Hopefuly won't wake up for hours.

Talk to Reality. Apparently he loves me so much that he set up the dp trick. I am just about managing a yoghurt a day. I can't deal with anything at all. I have had one bath in the 3 months since my release. My vocal chords have seized up, as have my smiling muscles.

He will read an account of the process that destroyed me.

DS1 is NOT a child. He is a traumatised adolescent.

(I know the money isn't important but it is important to me, postumously, that he does not buy a motorbike!).

How do you think reading this thread will affect your children?

Bloody hell woman. You really do need help.

I have 100k of what you quaintly refer to as 'help' What further do you suggest. I am diagnosed as completely healthy so my hour lond fortnighly visits are shortly to end. Oh wise woman, what is this 'help' to which you refer?

This thread is only a small bit. They will each recieve a copy the length or war and peace.

I would interest me to know which posters are employed by this factory of human destruction, and I don't mean proper nurses.

They spent over £10,00 delivering me 3 x 5mg of valium for days, at £600 a pap. Which I put somewhere and forgot about them. They destroy lives, are terrified to go on record pointing out the mania and, AND they are paid for it.

Daisy, can I ask why you have only had one bath in three months? Is it because you dont have access to facilities to have a bath, or you just dont want to?

And how do you feel that your dc will be once they have read all of this? You need to think about that. And the consequences.

Lazy have you tried this website
www.bigwhitewall.com/my-account/login.aspx?ReturnUrl=%2f

Mumsnet I promise I'm not advertising- I just think it might be a site that can help you more as it is specifically for people who are struggling emotionally - whether through trauma or mh difficulties. You can join for free through the nhs in some areas and there are trained people on hand if you do need extra help- although it in other ways,like mn allows you to talk to others who may feel like you/ or who may feel differently.

I'm sorry you feel let down by mental health services. Your experiences sound very troubling for you, and extremely difficult.

Whatever the reason, it is not healthy to be in the place you are in currently - not bathing, not eating, being so isolated, struggling daily with memories and with planning to die, eventually.

Was there one single nurse or worker who you trusted or developed a rapport with, at all? It may be worth showing them this thread, or showing a GP if you have one you can trust. That may demonstrate to them your current levels of distress and struggle. Because you seem - on your posts, of course I don't KNOW you - to be simultaneously not wanting any help, and being angry that no help is being offered?

I hope you can get the RL support - from whichever source - that you need and that you deserve. No one deserves to feel this way.

Maybe seeing your children might free up those smiling muscles.

The sooner you realise that this isn't all about you, the better.

I can't understand your reasoning. You don't want youre child to SEE his destroyed mother, but you are quite happy for him to read about it at 21??? Are you thinking about him or you?

FWIW, my life isn't exactly a bag of laughs (have you read MY threads?????) but the one thing that is always gaurenteed to bring a smily to my face is my children.

You could look this up to verify but I will save you the hassle
If I had a failed tribunal I would have had another one by December 2o12
After that I would be allowed one tribunal per year,

I was looking at years in that place. I had to stop considering myself as a mother. Obviously I would not let them set foot in that hellhole,

But I had to make the heartbreking decision to stop thinking of myself as a mother. Some inmates had been in their for years, and appeared like utter zombies due to the side-effects of drug. That sounds cruel but they were zombies, completely institutionalised and made to dance like bears for the amusement of the staff.

It took all of my energy to stay sane in that place and now I have to somehow pick up the pieces.

And throughout this potential life sentence I had no rights to refuse drug. When this happened the whole of alcatraz went into lockdown and up 18 staff would sit on the inmate whilst he was injected. It happened to Miranda and she said it was not the pain that hurt most but the indigity, like a dog being put down. Although I am sure a vet would not act in that way

How can 18 staff sit on an inmate. They would suffocate. There may have been several attend the situation, but you could only have about 6 on the 'hold'

Can't face any children. They wouldn't even recognise me now, I aged 10 years in that place. I think it is kinder to leave them out ot it. They have my email and have made no contact. I have no idea what they have been told but they are clearly too wary to contact me.

Would appreciate less dwelling on this element of situation but I know I brought it up.

You need to concentrate on you currently.

I hesitate to post on this thread, not being an expert in mental health. However, I think that you are still logical on one level whilst being very sick on another.

I feel that you are confusing a very reasonable crusade against the outrageous treatment that you suffered and where you can and want to go from this point onwards. Your thoughts are rational but they are based on irrational assumptions. You may well be suffering from PTSD but what is clear is that you have an irregular sleep cycle, suicidal thoughts and are not looking after yourself or your immediate environment. You are justifying that on the basis that your life is not worth living any more except to show the injustices perpetrated against you. On an objective basis, that is just not true. You have a child whom you love dearly and I am sure would love you too, were you to let him back into your life. You also do have financial assets, even if not immediately realisable ones.

I think that you need to re-engage with the mental health services on your own terms. You need to get back a regular sleep cycle and a sense of balance and self worth. I know, from your position, the above probably seems akin to climbing Mount Everest. However, with the right help and, given your clear intelligence, I am sure it is something that you could do. I would put your campaign on hold until you have your own equilibrium back. From that position, you will be far more effective anyway.

At least do one positive thing a day: clean one room or have a shower. I would also put your house on the market and leave somewhere which you now associate with trauma and unhappy memories. Also I suspect that you are heading for being sectioned again if you are not looking after yourself. This is something that you can prevent by looking after yourself and your environment, however hard it seems. I would again urge you to re-engage with the medical establishment on your own terms. I suspect you need something for your depression and sleep cycle no matter that it might have been caused by your false imprisonment in Alcatraz (as you put it).

You do deserve to get better, and to re-engage with your family and the broader community. You do, however, need to take a few tiny steps yourself to achieve this.

I don't believe it's possible to make the decision to stop being a mother, or consider being a mother.

I am sorry if that upsets you or you disagree with that. It is my absolute belief. I will never, ever stop being my children's mother. Even when I'm dead and buried. I will always been their mother.

I don't know why, but I think you know that too. I think this is why you are in turmoil. Because you know that you cannot do it.

Maybe I'm wrong, if so, tell me and I'll leave you to it. Otherwise, I'm here to talk.

It is your duty as the parent and adult to contact them, to make the first move.

I know the answer to this one. It wouldn't take 18 to give me an arse cocktail but apparently the record was for a very large strong man. The nurses lie physically across him, as if they were human belts. It takes a bit of crowding but the have to sit on each other, too. So the nurses are human restraints.

(Apparently the nurses love this; see it as a perk of the job.

I observed it once when a nurse burst into my room and told me that I had the choice to either get out in 30 seconds or be locked in my room for an hour. I grabbed my coat and walked quickly and apprehensifely to the smoking hut, Which was how and where I heard about the whole procedure, This was done to the woman who used to knock on my door at 2am, trying to persuage me that I needed her Buddha from Japan, so I am not convinced that it did her much good.

As I was walking with headdown to outside, what I can only describe as a phalange of staff were marching her to her cell. The only thing in my head was the vidio of 'Show me the way to Amarillo' I resisted joining in the chorus. The rest of my ward were locked for an hour in a very small tv room

Any more questions?

Yes.

Why won't you do what you need to do? Take a shower and see your kids.

What is stopping you and

what (In your opinion) do you need to do to rectify it?

Restraint never involves 18 people - there are just not the staff to do this. There would be a 4 person team, with another coordinating and another giving prescribed medication. Nor do staff lie over patients or sit on top of one another - this is illegal. I say this having been involved in many restraints. I enjoyed NONE of them.

Daisee - do you want help or support?

I have emailed them and sent older ones cash in post. No reply. I am not going to put myself through anymore stress for me or them to push it,

Do you think, perhaps, it's not your money they are after?

Why not get your solicitor to organise a session at a contact centre?