Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Hang in there ladies and rest whenever you can. Even 5 mn catnaps help. Eat regular small meals. Get dressed. Tidy up one small task at a time.
I remember having difficulty even walking and raising my arms, let alone talking to anyone.
But i kept going litterally step after step and any little trivial action of the day was still a step in the right direction. Making a bed, opening the window for fresh air, organising the evening meal.
Please try and be in every moment.
Breathe when you open that window and cook something easy and healthy.
Put your faborite linen on.
Make an effort to make anything a little more pleasurable.

Good luck with the Dr appointment

Thanks laptop. I don't know if I can go. I feel so sick. I got up and got the kids ready. Maybe I can just carry on.

No no please go, especially of you haven't slept, he/she'll be able to see that something isn't right.

What time is the appointment?

9.30. I don't think I can. Dh says I have no choice.

I think he's right, you really should go, I'm here to kick you up the bum too!

That made smile Viking. I just don't know if I can. I feel like I'm on the verge of a huge panic attack. I'm going to get dressed and then see how I feel.

I read this whole thread in the night as I was up, silly tonsils.

Anyway I had to come on and post this morning, I think your a very brave caring person and your struggling with a horrible illness.

I've been there, my dh walked me over to the doctor himself, he told me he'd leave me if I didn't go and I couldn't face life without him.

Honestly you'll feel a bit better the moment you walk out of the doctor. Knowing your not alone and you've started the steps to get better.

You are the best thing in the world to your kids and whatever they see, they will understand and love you.

Please go to your appointment. The worst that can happen is you cry your heart out to your doctor, they've seen it before, they will help.

I'll be thinking of you.

Thank you confuzzeled. I have to go. Dh said we will fall out if I don't. I couldn't handle that. I think I might actually be sick.

We're all here kicking you up the bum holding your hand. Come and tell us how you feel after if you want to, I for one want to know how you are doing.

I promise I will let you all know. I can't put into words what you have all done me yesterday, this morning and even through the night. Dh on the school run. Back to pick us up soon. My friend offered to come over today but I don't think I can face her just yet.

You sound like a lovely, kind and thoughtful person. Please go and get some help. If you had a friend who was feeling down you'd encourage her to go to the GP. Remember, your GP is not judging you for being down. They are trained to treat mental health problems as they are trained to treat chest problems, heart problems etc.

Let us know how it went.

Done for me that should read.

Your friend cares about you, don't feel you have to pretend to be 'fine' when you're not.

Hello there .... sorry to see you got so little sleep but was pleased to see you still got support from people throughout the night. I am thinking of you and hoping that you get all the help you need from the doctor's this morning. I have been thinking some more about some of the things you said about your past and, sweetheart, it's no wonder you have problems feeling loved when the very person you expect to love you unconditionally (your birth mum) has let you down so badly. To reject you a second time after tracking her down must be like a spear to your heart. Then, giving birth to your own children and trying to be the perfect mum to them has just made the whole lot come to a head (on top of the other traumas you have had in the past). My own mother was quite selfish when I was growing up and she put her awful boyfriend before her children (he was a nasty piece of work). It wasn't until I had my own child that I felt very angry and hurt by it .. I'd have gone to the end of the earth for this little baby so why didn't my mum love ME that much? Then, the rape incident you had further reinforces the feelings that you're worthless and 'deserved it' - again, I can relate. Now that you are genuinely loved, you find it hard to accept. After all, if your own mother couldn't love you then who in gods name can?! But your husband can, your children can. Your husband and children is your family now, nobody else. You've carved out your own little family and, with help from doctors and counselling, you will eventually see that and start to trust it. Hope you don't mind my amateur psychology but I can see many reasons why your feelings have all come to this point. And the one lady you did feel loved you (your grandma) passed away leaving a huge void and making you worried that everyone else you love will eventually leave you too (hence pushing your children away at the moment). The truth is you adore your children, you're just in a really dark place at the moment and I totally understand why. I'm just so glad you are seeking help and not brushing it under the carpet as that would be dangerous. Too many people ignore mental health issues for fear of being labelled crazy or being told by heartless people to "pull themselves together' and this can have tragic consequences. Please come back online after your appointment - keep the posts flowing as I really want to know that you are ok xxx

Tearful on your behalf as I know how challenging it is to move forward but really hope when I get back later you have been to the doctor and that you are proud of yourself for managing that... x

Been to doctOr. Got tablets. Need to try to sleep now but will post properly later.

Make the most of being able to rest, glad you went and have got tablets.

Glad you can get some rest now

Managed two hours sleep. Can't face food though, I feel so sick. Couldn't tell the doctor anything. Dh spoke. Been given an anti depressant and an appointment for 2 weeks time. Gave dh a leaflet to self refer for counselling but I don't know If i can do that. I couldn't let him do to work. I am so selfish. Don't know how I feel, am I losing it? I feel like I am.

Try and follow the medication plan the dr gave you, it should kick in pretty quickly depending on what it is. You're not being selfish, you need a bit of time to get things sorted, and if you need DH then so be it.

It's mirtazapine. I hope it works quickly. I have to go to work on Friday. Dh is overnight tomorrow with work, I don't know if I can cope without him but I'll have to. I have to go to work, I can't let them down aswell and I also don't want them to know. My hands are shaking. I don't remember what the doctor said. I don't feel real. Shit, I am feel like I'm sinking

If you are alone tonight, is there anyone who can come and be with you?

Is there any way your DH can take the rest of the week off?

I don't think he can. I have to work Friday. I have to pull myself together.