Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Lovemygirls thank you. For some reason your link won't work on my phone. I did have counselling with varying degrees of success, I guess it's down to how good your counsellor is

Yes you do deserve kindness!!! I'm wondering if you feel that somehow your life since getting married and having children is just 'too good to be true' because of all the crap you've had in the past and that you somehow don't 'deserve' it. Sometimes, having things go 'right' can make you depressed if that makes sense ... you're sort of waiting for it all to go wrong, wondering how your husband can love you so much etc? I'm only suggesting this as I've sometimes felt it myself.

I too was raped whilst in Falaraki, Greece over 20 years ago (I was only 19) and, funnily enough, I never considered it as 'rape' either until many years later. I felt I deserved it as I was a drunken mess (I'd been on the tequila slammers). I woke up to find a Greek man on top of me having sex. He'd climbed through the open window of my apartment after following me home and seeing an opportunity. When I woke, I screamed and managed to push him off. He stole my camera and jumped back out of the window. The next day, I stunk of tequila, felt horrible between my legs and felt like a silly, dirty tramp. Now, I realise that even if I'd walked the streets naked, I didn't deserve that. Like you didn't deserve what happened when you got in that car.

Also, you mention that you are adopted which, in itself, I can imagine raises all sorts of emotions. It sounds to me like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a perfect mother due to not having your own biological mother and, in reality, that's impossible to achieve (I don't know any perfect mothers!) so you're constantly knocking yourself for it and feeling like you're failing.

I think you'll definitely benefit from counselling (get a real professional unlike an amateur like me!) and I hope you'll keep us all posted about how you get on at the doctors. xx

I am glad to see that you are getting so much good response to your posts.Do please listen to what others are saying, it seems that things from your past are surfacing.Do be assured that you have been raped and its definately not your fault.when you go to your doctor tomorrow as i think you will, then the process of getting you back on track can begin.what time is your appointment ?

Hello there

I have felt like you do now. You are not alone. Nor are you a horrible person. It is clear that you love your family and that they love you. If you didn't, you wouldn't be posting here and wouldn't have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow.

It can be very frightening, the way you feel now. For me it was as if a zillion things buried had risen to the surface and like my head was going to explode with the thoughts and feelings whizzing around it. None of it made sense.

Please tell the doctor everthing you are feeling, no matter how irrational you feel it is. Only then will you get the help you deserve. be kind to yourself! We ALL need help at some point in our lives and you are NO less deserving than anyone else.

Good luck and, yes, please keep posting/keep up updated. Look after yourself.

Appointment is 9.30. Spoke to my best friend.
, asked dh to explain first cos I couldn't. I don't know why I hide things from her and dh because they are wonderful. I Am shaking i am so upset and emotional. I feel so very pathetic. I dont think I can speak to the doctor. Thank you so much for your lovely posts, I can't tell you how much it means. Thank you for sharing your stories. I know that isn't easy. There is so much more but I can't find he energy right now. I will repost I promise.

And gooshka, yep, I'm waging for it all to wrong.

Waiting not waging

And gooshka again, thank you for telling your story, I'm sorry that happened to you

Just read this thread. Please go to the doctors. It's like lunatic says - your brain is poorly. It's chemical. It can be fixed.

If you are worried about the appointment why don't you just cut and paste all your posts from here and show them to your doctor? If you can't speak, they will speak volumes for you.

HTH

If it helps, think of it like a broken leg. If you had a broken leg, what would you do? You'd go to the hospital and get seen by a Doctor and get a cast. Mental health is a bit like that. Counselling or medication is what you need to help mend you like a cast is for a broken leg. That helped me accept that there was no point in trying to cope on my own. For me I needed some medicine and a counsellor to help me get fixed. And although it is hard right now to understand it is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of.
Tell the Doctor how you are feeling and have it written down so that they can read it and you don't have to worry about explaining.
Take care.

Thank you all you lovely people who have taken the time to reply to me today. You will never know how much it means. I am off to bed now but I will let you know hOw tomorrow goes xxxx

It WILL get better.
Please do go and see the doctor.
Even if you decide not to take any medication its a great step towards recovery to acknowledge how you feel and have people around you validate those feelings.

That was me a year ago. Deep deep depression. panic attacks. isolation.
I've come full circle now but really started feeling better right after I saw the Dr.
After only 2 further counseling sessions, I felt better as I was given tools to take charge and I learnt to take time to "debrief" myself when I felt I was spiraling into that dark corner.later

I did not take the medication the Dr suggested but went on a combination of high dosage VitaminB + Magnesium + valerian/passionflower in the evening to re-establish sleep patterns (i would fall asleep like a log only to wake up with palpitations 3 hours later).
Being well rested is essential. If you have to prioritize one thing right now, that's what it is.

Keep posting. I did not post last year but was lurking on the mental health thread and reading other people's experience and the good advice given was a great help.

Its fantastic to have the RL support. I could not have done without my DH's attention. Lean on them without any guilt whatsoever. that's why you have a DH and a best friend. There is no better time than this to wallow in that love you have.

x

Laptop that is a lovely way to think of it, wallowing in their love. I can't sleep. My brain is moving so quickly. I want to shake it out of myself. Nothing seems real. I feel like somebody else. Does anyone understand that. I'm not expecting a reply at this time in the morning but it feels better to type it out. What are the most important things to tell the doctor tomorrow? Please help me compile a list and make me sound less round the twist than I feel.

I totally understand that and am very grateful am now on the other side of the fence.

Its great to write it all down.That was part of the therapy for me but it felt awkward facing that white page so keep writing here if you feel like me that you need someone on the receiving end to send it right back at you if you are self pitying.

Am in Asia, so often here at this time!

remember to tell the Dr about your physical symptoms. When they occur, how long before they recede etc...
I had nausea and buzzing in my ears and a mix of speedy thoughts but incapable of moving which was the panic attack.
then utter exhaustion as it receeded.
Also those terrible migraines with stiff neck which was accumulated tension.
And the broken nights.

All those sign teach you to recognize what is happening and guide you as to how to take over them.
the panic attack you just ride with breathing. Go out for a brisk walk and walk those thoughts out.
when exhausted lie down and practice deep breathing and visualization to try and sleep.
etc....

But really, ask the Dr for something to help you sleep and rest for the first few days so you can get a bit of perspective.

You will come trough. its a long road. Just start being good to yourself now and spend lots of time just enjoying the little moments.

Do you work or are you a sham if you don't mind my asking?

Oh my god. The nausea, I thought I was going to vomit today. Migraines are just a part of my life but dh says they are worse at the moment. I didn't think they were linked.
I do work but only one regular day a week so I have until Friday to pull myself together!
Dh is away with work on Wednesday night and I am so scared of him leaving me. That is so silly as he was away two nights last week and everything was fine

Just wanted to say hi idon'tdeservethem. I felt similar to you this time last year and it's horrible. Definitely go to the doctor today, it is the very best thing you can do for yourself and your family

But do get out of your house before friday!
Just cross 1 or 2 things off for to do list everyday to give you a sense of purpose and get plenty of rest. Its not self indulging. That's just what yo need right now and everyone around you can acknowledge that.
take care

A to do list. The thought makes me stressed. To do: get out of bed, look after kids, can't think beyond that. I do know what you mean though. I will try, I really will. My eyes look like P**s holes in the snow, how can I face anyone or anything? I am so tired I just want to give up. What is happening to me? Oh, I am so very tired

Hello, I am stressed and can't sleep. found you by looking at the active list. I have cycles when it all falls apart, when I start to put it back together I do a to-do list. With 3 things on it, no more. One is always have breakfast, I do have breakfast, then there is one thing ticked off already.

Thanks pussycat. I will start small. I'm sorry you are feeling stressed too.

Still cant sleep. I feel like my heart is jumpIng out of my chest. I am downstairs with the tv on. I feel so alone. I am so scared that the doctor will think I am crazy. I am crazy. I feel like I am losing it. Feel like dh is all I have. I know I have the dc but they don't know what an awful person I am. Dh loves me anyway. At least I think he does. I want to wake him up and have him hold me but I can't do that to him. He'll have to work after we go to the doctor. Oh, the thought of him leaving for work makes me feel sick. I am pathetic and needy.

Thanks. And hope things work out for you, of course you deserve them, trust that you do, even though it doesn't feel like it.

My stbx does not deserve me, he is a complete tosser and being very passive-agressive over the divorce and won't even open the latest letter from my solicitor. How am I ever going to be rid of him? (Sorry, needed a little rant)

Still wide awake. How will I cope with baby today? So tired but sleep won't come and kids will be up very soon

Me too. Emailed solicitor with my worries, which has helped, though it will cost me a small amount. Do as little as you can, grab naps when baby sleeps. Is your appointment today?