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Original poster

Am I having a breakdown?

680 replies

Idontdeservethem · 16/01/2012 13:54

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

OP posts:
Fitzroy · 14/03/2012 09:22

Does any of you suffer from morning anxiety, not able to eat etc..... I have had thoughts of doing away with myself this morning I feel so bad. Would it be the withdrawal of the ad, awaiting the new start of other ad....

ThePinkPussycat · 14/03/2012 09:31

Could be fitz, whatever it is it isn't 'real', hang on in there, do you want to 'talk' for a bit.

Was going to ask what food was like at 'retreat' but in the circs not the best topic Blush

Ikea you are not alone in standing up in church - see the thread in Discussion of the Day.

Ikeatears · 14/03/2012 12:30

Pink, believe me, I've seen it, I may be guilty of a little name change, wonder if you could spot me? Haha. I've been having a 'healthy discussion' all morning over there! Don't want linking to this thread though for obvious reasons.
I am a little worried though, that my new found status as an activist is related to me being ill. I am almost consumed by this topic at the moment and really very angry. I am not particularly religious but was raised catholic and the children are at catholic school. I would usually wih an issue like his, state my opinion amongst friends then forget it. What I did on Sunday was, not out of character exactly, but extreme for me. It does worry me slightly.

Fitz, I am worried about you. I think you need to ring your GP and tell him what you are telling us. My sister lost a friend to suicide last week after his mental healh problems spiralled out of control. Her biggest fear is that it may have been an 'in the moment' decision and that he may have felt differently in a few days. He had had a huge medication overhaul in the days before. I am not trying to frighten you but I want you to get help. The thoughts you are having are not ok and someone in rl needs to help you. X

ThePinkPussycat · 14/03/2012 12:41

Ikea I think it is more likely to be related to you getting better, and perhaps may be because the counselling is helping.

Fitzroy · 14/03/2012 14:23

thanks Ikea, but I have told my gp, and at the group at the weekend, and I have had them for years, they come and go, and what they say is that they are racing thoughts. I would never do it..... have never even planned it. Mornings are the worst for me, but I just want to feel better, mornings are the worst..... I am pinning my hopes on this new ad.... thanks for your concern though....

Ikeatears · 14/03/2012 14:34

Well, please keep talking to them then, especially if the thoughts get more frequent or stronger. Fingers crossed for the new ads x

ThePinkPussycat · 15/03/2012 06:54

Aha so it was you I saw on the other thread Ikea - tbh I wouldn't have looked at that thread if I hadn't read your post here.

Fitz I have had suicidal ideation as it is called, when you think of it but know you wouldn't do it. I think it is the worrying brain considering all the options, which in a curious kind of way is sensible of it. afaik it is quite common to wake feeling shit and feel better as the day goes on. Fingers crossed for the ads kicking in.

Fitzroy · 15/03/2012 13:09

thanks for that PPC, I suppose it is just a thought, because I have too much living to do.... want to do something different, and also want to go on enjoying life. we all have shit days, and I have just hit a very big blip in my life, making me realise what not to worry about workways, and houses are just bricks and mortar, memories are kept in your head.....

Fitzroy · 16/03/2012 15:31

well everyone, starting new ad tonight, so hopefully anxiety will lessen a bit in the coming weeks.....
Hope everyone is ok......and have a nice weekend...trying my best to keep positive.....

ThePinkPussycat · 16/03/2012 15:39

Was absolutely exhausted yesterday - I suppose the continual stress - but have had plenty of rest, and made progress on the finances (yes, still on with them) and feel a lot better.

Joining in the wish for everyone to have a nice weekend...

Fitzroy · 17/03/2012 13:57

awful night last night, was so anxious about the new ad, woke up at 1.00 and felt so bad I had to get up, take a seroquel and try to sleep.... so fed up feelign this way..... nice to be able to write it all down though, I don't feel quite so bad, when i do this.....

ThePinkPussycat · 17/03/2012 14:04

What are you frightened of about the ad?
I didn't sleep much last night either, mainly nicotine and lots to think about - slightly racing thoughts, but productive ones...

Fitzroy · 19/03/2012 13:16

Hi PPC, don't know whether it is withdrawal from the other one, but I rang our out of hours dr, and he said changing ad's is a tricky process, so I have to stay on the low dose of mitazipan 15, and see my physicriast, or speak to him. I have changed ad before, but never been so anxious....haven't eaten anything from Saturday, except a yoghurt and some plain biscuits.... onwards and upwards there is nothing else for it, as no-one but myself can do this....

ThePinkPussycat · 19/03/2012 13:29

You're afraid of being afraid, is that it?

Fitzroy · 19/03/2012 16:44

I suppose it is a fear of fear itself.... I once heard a very true saying
F.E.A.R. False evidence appearing real.......

ThePinkPussycat · 19/03/2012 22:29

Sorry to harp on, but is it just general anxiety, or is it sort of obsessional thoughts about your problems with work and money? Whatever it is, sounds horrible. Do you know any breathing techniques that might help? Exercise, or very rubbish telly can be of assistance sometimes.

Fitzroy · 20/03/2012 11:23

I think it is just general anxiety, and feeling physically ill and shaky......
Started on teh new ad just now, 25 mg, and see what happens. psychiatrist is meant to ring me today, so will see what he says, I appear to be going backwards instead of forwards...

Fitzroy · 22/03/2012 15:58

Everyone ok, I hve just been for another appointment with my psychiatrist, and he has been just great, he upped my meds for a while, but would like me to go to CBT, but it is just far too expensive, and I am sure the waiting list on the NHS is horrendous..... He has a lovely way with him, and theres me waffling a way to him.....
Hope everyone is ok, this is me on a good day....

ThePinkPussycat · 22/03/2012 17:34

Oh good :) Get on the waiting list, get the nice psych to help you jump the queue, you need it more than many other people ahead of you. Honestly Thanks Brew

ThePinkPussycat · 22/03/2012 20:19

Or maybe he would refer you to a psychologist, who is likely these days to be trained in CBT for more complex cases. Your past suicidal ideation makes you more complex and more urgent, I would think.

Fitzroy · 22/03/2012 22:53

thanks PPC, he is trying his best, he works for the NHS as well as private work. He has such patience with all my strange physical feelings. I have asked my insurance company, it is a civil service one, which is brilliant....if they know of any private psycologist, who is cheaper.....

my nice psych says I need my thoughts changed, as he can medicate, but can't fix the awful thoughts I have.....

ThePinkPussycat · 22/03/2012 23:10

Exactly, and your local NHS Mental Health Trust will have some psychologists, they can be very good. You told him about the worst thoughts you had, didn't you?

Fitzroy · 23/03/2012 13:59

Yes PPC, I did. I told him that I felt like taking all the tablets just to put away these awful shaking, nausea, and he asked did I actually take out the packet, and I said no...... I feel so bad today.

ThePinkPussycat · 23/03/2012 16:13

Well done for sharing that with him - and us, for that matter. Physical symptoms sound horrible, bad enough feeling low without that on top.

Fitzroy · 23/03/2012 18:18

Trying just to accept all the panic etc.... I have good moments, and bad ones, but hopefully I have turned a corner, and do you know PPC, I think I am going to change myself. Going to do some voluntary work for Lifeline, and look forward to helping other people rather than having this awful illness.

That retreat weekend helped a lot as well, didn't realise it at the time, but I was so glad I went, even though I felt physically and mentally exhausted.

How are things with you? Everything sorted.....