Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Too not to, usually I am such a pedant!

Idont ha, no I'm just some random :)

I am just agog at your story. You are a very magnanimous person to still deal with your adoptive family after that. They denied your abuse and left you unsupported to the extent that you were homeless as a late teen - if you'd had support from elsewhere would you have bothered with them again after that?

Speaking as someone with a 9 week old DD, I do think parents owe their children. You either had them or chose to adopt them, now they're your responsibility. You've been utterly let down by two sets of parents which is utterly not your fault but a completely shitty thing to go through. Even them being good grandparents is, as odd as it might sound, something that can be hard to deal with. My grandparents were fairly crappy parents but suddenly Werthers Original-golden-halo grandparents, and it gave my mum "what was the matter with me, then?" feelings.

Don't forget you're entitled to be angry with these fuckers! You were just some little child, and they let you down. By all means move past it and continue being the bigger person but don't forget you're entitled to be angry too.

As has already been said, there is always someone around on here, so carry on nattering away with us. I feel mentally ok ATM and I can't wait for my kids to go to bed either, so no guilt there!

Local, I know it all sounds a bit far-fetched but I promise it is all true (although obviously very subjectively told). The thing, I love them. They are the only family I have ever had and I don't want to lose them. They have a certain place in my life. I don't turn to them for support but I like to see them and I like to see their relationship with the dc. I think I feel relief that they don't see the dc as an extension of me and love them like they are their own. I want them to have a good relationship with their grandparents. I know how important that can be.

Mirtazapine is marvellous stuff - literally saved my life. Do not worry about anyone thinking you are going mad - you are not. You will feel better (in my case tabs worked in 5 days). Also please please read Dr Claire Weekes Self Help For Your Nerves (available on Amazon). It will aide your recovery and explain every jot of your illness trust me!. I know you don't believe you will get better and simply think you will continue to go insane but you will not, it was my biggest fear and I literally lay in bed visualising them carting me off to the madhouse,they didnt and I am now 100% better - you will be too. Take care.

Can I just say I've read your posts and you are a v strong and amazing person to have survived and managed to build strong relationships after all the crap you've been through.
Your anti depressants will take 3 weeks before you feel a slight difference but please don't give up. Can you get ds3 in nursery a few extra days to help you out? Also can you get out for a walk? This will really help you sleep at night

Oh and sleep...sleep as much as you can, you really need the rest and your brain and body will feel much better for it. Take every bit of help you can get and don't worry about housework or fancy meals just do the basics and in a few days you will be amazed at the difference in you. I also think you come out of depression a much better person, I am so grateful for the ability to feel happy again I literally thank God every day.

Thanks chief, that's good to know.
Buggyrunner, he doesn't go to nursery, he goes to his granny on a Friday but I couldn't ask her because of the above reasons. DH will be here tomorrow and that will be another day over.
I wish I was strong and amazing, I don't feel it. I feel weak and selfish.

I totally believe you, don't worry. And you're doing just the right thing to do what suits you - I think you are strong and amazing too.

OP- so sorry you're going through this. Do keep writing if it helps.
Different things for different people. I know what makes a little peak in a low mood (people with normal feeling wouldn't notice it, but with this kind of low mood you track any changes and become so concentrated on tiny things) is optimism- knowing how much help there is out there, it seems like there'll always be something knew to try, and if you can't think of anything else good happening except getting better...
Hope tomorrow is a bit brighter for you.

Baby gone to bed. I am lying on the bed and I can hear the older two laughing downstairs. Feel like sobbing but I need to stay together for just a coupe more hours. My eyes and my head hurt. So very tired

Feels like I'm wading through. I can understand why some people give up. It almost seems easier.

Wading thrOugh mud i mean.

...through treacle?

Your kids are laughing, that is good, yes?

Treacle will do. Yes it is good they are laughing. They don't seem aware that anything is amiss

You're doing a great job then- but remember that they don't have to see you being perfect all the time. If they sense it or see it, it doesn't matter because now it should be about you and getting you feeling better.

I could be writing this. All the same feelings, coupled with giving up smoking, feeling like my head is exploding, self medicating with copious amounts of alcohol, running over the events of the last three incredibly difficult years over in my head, and when I eventually plucked up the courage to ring the doctors the other day I couldn't even get through, tried three times. Ds behavior deteriorating by the day, that's adding to all the stress, just want to feel better. A doctors appointment would be the first step, though i will probably have to wait two weeks for one.

Have texted dh to see if he is on his way back. I need him back now, or at least know he is on his way. I know I am being unfair. My heart is beating so fast.

What time do your other two go to bed?

You arent having a break down,you are having manic depressive episodes.

See your doctor. And do it quickly.

Ds2 just gone. Thank god we started a sticker system last week and has gone to bed without any protest. Ds1 will go about 8, dh on his way back, should be about that time. Do you think I could go to bed for a small sleep now? Ds1 is 9 and knows where I am.

Fabby I have seen the doctor. I don't know the difference.

Hi again. Glad you are on treatment and your dh and friend are supporting you.

I'm thinking your nickname is all wrong for you, you do deserve them, you are a caring mum, who does her best despite all your past troubles.

Sleep now, will try to post later

It doesn't sound in the least like manic or depressive or mixed episodes to me, Fabby. possibly some sort of panic attack type thing on top of depression.

OP the main thing is you have seen the dr, and have some medication which is likely to help, kids seem fine, dh supporting you. Wonder if I will sleep tonight? If not, I'll look out for you, hope you'll be sleeping though.