Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

It is tomorrow he is away kreecher and no, no one to stay.

Just want to say that you've done so well going to your doctor.

I have been where you are & now you are getting meds & with your lovely sounding husband supporting you, you WILL & CAN get through this.

Be kind to yourself, try & eat well, even if only small amounts, pamper yourself by having baths, watching a favourite film, etc.
I found (& I know it's hard!) that if I forced myself in the shower, did my hair & makeup & put on a favourite dress, painted my nails,etc, I felt better about myself & more ready to "take on" the day.
Slobbing about in days old pyjamas with greasy hair made me feel more "dead" & disgusted with myself thus making me feel bleaker.

Also, I think someone needs to be with you while your DH is at work & you yourself need to clear some time-off with your own work.

I hope you get some peace & feel well soon.
Take care.

Don't hesitate in going back to your GP is you are still feeling this bad on Friday. The councellor is a good idea, you don't even need to talk to them, they will know what to say to help bring the information out.

Noone can stay. Telling my family will make it worse and there is no one else. My friend has her own family.

Did your doctor not sign you off? If you had flu you wouldn't go in and you are just as ill as that but in a different way so please don't put pressure on yourself to make it in on Friday.
As for DH going away, whilst he's gone try and do the bare minimum and don't beat yourself up for not doing things. Once the meds kick in and over the longer term one of the most important things to learn is to be kind to yourself, so start practicing now.
Well done for going to the doctors.

Why will telling your family make it worse?

verybwell done for getting the courage to go to the doctor this morning.That must oftaken an enormous amount of strength of mind on your part.Take baby steps and take your medication as you have been prescribed.You will not be in this dark place forever,especially now you have taken the first steps to getting well.If you can, do get one of your RL friends to come over and sit with you ,even if you dont want to talk,it may make you feel better with someone there.Well done you.

I am back in bed. I asked dh to ring the referral line for the counsellor. I will try. My family don't care. They will see it as a reflection on them. I can't face them. I don't think the doctor mentioned work. I can't remember. This thread has become so important to me. Is that crazy? Pouring my heart out to strangers?

If the thread is helping you in any way at all then im sure we will all keep it going.You dont have to see anyone that you cant face at the moment.But you really have nothing to hide,you are ill and you need help.if people cant accept that then you are better off away from them at the moment .You need people around who can support you through this.Its a tough illness but you will and can get through it.

So well done for getting help. You may not feel it yet but you've done a fantastic thing; the best you could for yourself and your family.

This thread really resonates for me as I was in the same situation as you 11 years ago. Unlike you I never got help and the next few years passed in a miserable blur. Then 9 years on it all came out sideways. I'd sat on the feelings you described and they sort of went away, I was able to function and even had some happy times but the anxiety was unbearable.

I k ow what you mean about not telling family. I went through a bought of depression and tried mentioning it to DM who just told me to get my act together and stop being so melodramatic, cheers mum.

I think mine would be sympathetic but it would feel false and uncomfortable and i think they would talk behind my back. I know I sound ridiculous and I'm being very selfish for putting it all on DH.

What zondra suggested! Everyday!
Definitely see DH away for one night as a free pass to pamper yourself.
Do minimal service on the kids front, pour a glass of wine, bath, music, early night in fresh linen, unlimited mumsnet and chocolates.
Just check in, we'll be here.
X

Idontdeservethem I have followed this thread and I just wanted to add some words of support and encouragement. It is rare to be able to say 'I know exactly how you feel' but I absolutely do. Depression is crippling and devastating, utterly hideous. And, to echo many posters, it is an illness, same as asthma or influenza. It needs treating and it still needs so much more sympathy and recognition. My own DFather told me, 15 years ago, to 'pull myself together', to look in the mirror and count my blessings and 'be glad you have two legs and two arms' etc! He was not being unkind, he just didn't understand and was trying to be helpful. Our generation understand more about chemical imbalances in the brain, which is what depression is, but still not enough.
You have had some truly awful things happen to you in your past, which have never been properly dealt with. Depression can spring out on you from seemingly nowhere. Definitely, definitely see the counsellor asap. And definitely try to take it a bit easy and don't 'struggle on' ...give the medication a bit of time to kick in and stabilise things. Is there any way you could miss Friday's work? The first few days of anti-depressants can make you feel a bit woozy and strange...this does settle, but if you start them today I'd give yourself the weekend before attempting to go back to work...I think you said you only work one day a week - so make it Friday 27th. I bet you will be feeling a bit better by then.

Finally - epic post, sorry - YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. YOU WILL BEAT THIS. I did. We are all behind you against this black monster

Thank you again to everyone who is taking the time to read and to reply. I have been reading about the side effects and I am worried that the next few days are going to be even tougher. DH is going to see if he can get out work tomorrow and drive down early instead. The main problem is that we have a 1 year old. I haven't cried for at least an hour so that has be good.
DH has gone to work for a couple of hours now. I thought my heart was going to thump out my chest when he first went but he has been gone half an hour and nothing bad has happened. He will be home to put the older two to bed I hope.
I have to try to pull myself together, DH has a job to do but it is so much easier said than done. I am trying though and agreeing to him going to work( I made him cancel an earlier meeting) is a positive step.

I have felt like you do now. I have a theory that what happens is that when terrible things happen we sometimes store them away for later so we can function. Then later, some time when you're otherwise feeling safe, they come back for dealing with.
It's clear to a blind man on a galloping horse that your husband and children love you. It's possible they don't have a frame of reference for what you're going through. My DH looked after me but he didn't understand what was happening so they can slip up and say things that make you feel worse - if this happens, just identify it with the part of your brain that can and try not to feel you have to keep thinking about it.

I don't think all depression is imbalance, chemical or otherwise, because of my theory about delaying dealing with horrors, which I think is a survival mechanism. You're not wrong or broken to be feeling like this when you're going through things that your mind put on one side until you felt safe enough to inspect them again. You were raped and you've carried guilt about it for years. Your birth mother sounds emotionally abusive. If you could go three weeks in deep depression without anyone noticing it sounds like our adoptive family haven't always been up to scratch either. This is legitimate trauma! It would break anyone into pieces! But you'll do this and experience all this pain and it will help you heal.

Try not to use our energy against yourself. ANYONE would be in your state, anyone. You are entitled to 'not cope' while you do this. Allow yourself to scream, cry, not go to work. If your child (God forbid) had something like this to deal with you would NEVER blame them for showing the pain- don't blame yourself.

I hope this is helpful rather than unhelpful. When I had my meltdown it took me a while to come to this way of thinking so I thought I'd pass on what thoughts I'd come to in the end.

You are loved. Your family love you, I believe God loves you, and in the way of agape-love from strangers, we love you :) this too will pass and you'll reflect on it as a hard time you went through, but something that's done.

Ring the samaritans - this is what they're for

So so glad you made it to the drs and got a bit of sleep. It really doesn't sound like you are well enough to work, even if you went in you might not be doing them any favours, since you are ill atm. For one day's sickness I don't think you need a note. You can invent an illness like we've all done here, I bet.

Don't 'pull yourself together' as such (though I think I know what you mean) - mh problems can be nature's way of telling you to take time out, I know it's hard with the kids and all, when mine were little I explained more than once that Mummy was sad at the moment, however I would get better. I felt honesty was better than pretense, and I did manage to look after them (fish fingers, ham, cucumber and bread for tea again) (couldn't face cooking). They are lovely young adults now

Had some sleep myself, and feel better. For me, it's the strain of keeping my nerve in my situation.

I've had several 'breakdowns' and if someone had offered to cut my legs off to make me better I would of without thinking about it.I couldn't eat,work,sleep or wash myself.I was consumed with myself but couldn't function at all.

If you ever ask 'Am I going crazy?' You are not.

You sound like you are in a state of panic/fear.

Take the meds and see how you go.Go back to the GP if you are having suicidal thoughts.ASK FOR HELP and don't suffer in silence or try to be brave.Tell people how you feel.

I hope the meds pick your mood up OP.

Local, thank you for your lovely post. You said almost exactly the same things as my best friend (it's not you in disguise is it? )
My family are not bad people but they are the type who like to brush everything under the carpet. My adoptive parents split and I was brought up by dad and my step mum. I had a very difficult relationship with her for a long time and although I am meant to treat her as though she is my mum, I feel her love and support is conditional. I do love her though and that is probably why it hurts. My adoptive mum is very selfish but also in the first stages of early onset Alzheimer's. When I went through depression in my late teens the trigger was telling my family that a close family member had sexually abused me when I was ten. They sided with him. Some of my family, my step mum included, didn't speak to me for 2 months. I was due to start university but just didn't turn up. My dad then found out and drove me there. I lasted 6 weeks then came back and was effectively homeless for a couple of months until I found myself a job and a flat. I see the person who did this at all family events and have even been on holiday with him. I do forgive him now because he was very young (only 13) and I know he is not the same person. We have talked about it amongst ourselves and I know how sorry he feels. I couldn't have a relationship with my family, anyway, if I hadn't made my peace with him. So you see why I couldn't tell them about this. They are lovely grandparents by the way and do love my children unconditionally. I probably wasn't the easiest of children or teenagers but they handled some situations very badly and it hurts.

Hi just noticed you said you had a one year old. Have you recently stopped breastfeeding. When I stopped b/f at 11 months I went down with depression/PND.

I got antidepressants from the Dr. and they worked. For me it was chemicals/hormones. I can remember feeling very very hopeless and this loop going around endlessly in my head.

Allow yourself to be ill, like if you had flu or broke your leg. accept help. take the tablets, any side effects will be nothing compared to how you are now.

I suggested before the samaritans, ring them if only to stop the thoughts in your head. Try and keep going until the tablets kick in.

The pinkpussycat, you made me smile because the dc had fish fingers for tea!

Igetcrazytoo, I only breastfed for 3 months this time so not sure it is that. I will take my ads tonight and see what happens, hopefully, they will help me to sleep. DH just phoned, his boss will let him take tomorrow so that pressure feels like its off a little bit.

It makes me feel so good knowing I raised a smile, I should also clarify that I did actually used to grill the fish fingers (re-reading my post I had a vision of frozen ones sitting on the plate). Cucumber was the only veg they would eat, by the way, at the time, besides being no-cook!

Yep grilled here too, with oven chips and baked beans for their five-a-day! Am feeling so tired now. Sitting with dc while they watch tv and intermittently moving baby away from mischief. I will be so glad when they are in bed, I love them so much, but the effort of keeping together around them is making my stomach lurch (does that make sense?) thank you for the Samaritans suggestion but for now, I think I will keep talking here if that is ok. I know I have put identifying detail in but if anyone does recognise me from rl, I would just ask that you respect my privacy. It feels to important to me not to be honest on here. It is almost the only thing I can focus on at the minute and is keeping me from the edge. I will keep talking to DH and to my lovely friend, she is very emotionally intelligent and insightful and I know she loves me like a sister.