Am I having a breakdown?

[Idontdeservethem]

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Ikea I'll be thinking of you this week - as you know I find it a real challenge when my DH is away too. You sound stronger about it this time - Well done for that ! Hope it flies by with no probs

Did a recce drive down to see where this weekend thing is being held. I am so groggy though, and my knees are weak..... feeling quite bad today, which I think is due to the meds, coming off one to go on another......

No wonder you feel bad Fitz, your body is having to adjust again to a different medication - be worth it if it works though!
I had my (4th?) counselling session today. We've talked a lot about my step mum and how I handle my relationship with her. I think what I do is, I figure out how to get on with her and how to 'play the game' so that everything is nice between us, then I get carried away and give more and more of myself, then it goes pear-shaped because it gets too familiar. Case in point - the holiday I agreed to go on with all of them. I thought "it'll be fine, we're all getting on well, we're a perfectly ordinary, loving family...etc etc" but actually, a week in such close proximity wasn't fine and made me realise that, actually, I can only go so far in my relationship with her. Her love isn't unconditional and it never will be and I can't change that - it doesn't mean she doesn't love me at all but is only capable of so much. I have to stop expecting that she will suddenly start to love and treat me like she does her sons. If I am not willing to confront her or walk away completely (which I'm not) then I need to find my own place in the family, which I'm happy with and keep myself at a healthy distance.
I only have two sessions left and I'm not sure at the moment that we can afford private sessions - I haven't even mentioned any of the sex stuff with him - not had time! Don't know what to do next. I think I'll let these sessions end then maybe see how we are financially, nearer to Summer.
Anyway, Dh is back tomorrow - I've had lots on today so it hasn't been too bad - although I have two not-so-happy little boys currently tidying their pig-sty of a room after I thretened to put all their toys in a big bin bag! I'm ready for them to go to bed and have some 'me' time.
Hope you're all well. Fitz, keep going, you'll get there...

1. I am a good sister-in-law

*threatened (I can spell - just not type!)

thanks Ikea, I understand where you are coming from with the family. I convinced myself that I could have a good Christmas, with all the family, when I know we are not the Waltons, and as this Christmas was horrible, with me being ill, I have now told myself never again, I will suit myself, it is not worth it. Dragging myself to weddings, that I don't want to go to, and regretted going..... as I didn't know anyone. Family come in all shapes and sizes... that poet Larkin, got it right parent they f**k you up......

sorry that poet Peter Larkin, got it right......

Philip Larkin. Have you ever read the whole poem? Bleak does not do it justice.

(lost count): I pay close attention to detail ( I think this is a strength)

sorry philip...... I can't remember names...... feeling sick at night now worrying about waking up feeling sick..... round and round it goes.

Yes I did a module of Philip Larkin, he was a really weird man.....

Usually I can't either, fitz. I can't remember titles of books, or authors' names, which can be v frustrating if I am trying to recommend somthing to a friend, as I can remember the plot!

Seen a few people on meds transition and yes it threw them for six.

thanks PPC will have a look at that. I spoke to the chemist/phramist, can't spell,.... and she said not to take the tablets and not to be driving, but that would mean not going on my weekend, which i want to go on.... will head on over to the meds section, hope its not too scary...

Well something came up, so didn't get to my meeting. Instead, have supported a friend who is in the middle of proceedings relating to contact with her DD. She attended court today and it went quite well, so we adjourned to a local hostelry for beer and toasties

Good for you PPC, a little bit of enjoying yourself, and relaxing, is what I need at the moment. Counsellor says I should not be so hard on myself.

My next door neighbour has died, she was 91, and although I didn't know her that well, I have been overwelmed by the sadness.... trying to talk myself round.... she was a lovely lady though...

Well todays the day I go on my residential, can't eat anything, legs all wobbly, trying to keep positive, but I think them damn seroquell is messing with my head... and trying to come off those ad, to go on another. I just feel like curling up and crying.......

Don't know whether I can get on the internet down at this place, so maybe not be posting for a while....

This residential sounds like it may be just what you need atm Fitz, others to share with, and professionals who get it.

I hope the food is good. I will want to know about it in great detail :)

Hopefully no internet. I was only half joking when I called it a retreat.

I'm away this weekend as well at a Quaker conference - and looking forward to the food too which is always so good, as well as to meeting people, hearing some fresh ideas, and perhaps squeezing in a bit of Quaker style peace and quiet !

Am feeling a bit nervous about getting there and settling in though - perhaps especially as I'll be traveling there with my dd (who will be staying with her friend nearby) so two of us to think about Also I don't know who else is going, but am sure to recognise someone when I get there.

Life is a funny thing - sometimes you feel the call to some fresh adventure, even though it would be easier and cosier to stay snuggled up at home !
Engaging with the world can seem a bit scary (because let's face it you can get hurt out there ), but it also brings some good memories to look back on (mixed with some other stuff !)

thanks Juggling, and PPC..... I hope I can eat, and not make a fool of myself.... x

Hey Fitzroy - I hope you can eat for your own nourishment and well-being - if you can't you still wouldn't be anyone's fool !

Do you find it harder to eat in company - I know lots of people do (sometimes there's just too much going on for one thing )

Hope you have a great weekend - we'll have to compare notes when we get back (on Sunday ?)

Hello everyone, feeling a bit ground down today, just wishing ex wasn't here and I could get on with the rest of my life.

How was everyone's weekend? Hope you enjoyed your residiential, fitz

Hi PPC, ws certainly a retreat, no tv, no internet, I slept in a room meant for monks, and it was covered in religious figures, and even the drawer handles were crosses..... freezing cold, but I do think it helped me, to feel that I am not the only one that feels like this, and to just have patience, which I have very little of, as I just want to feel well and get back out to work....

Do you know anything about taking cases about bullying against your employer PPC....

Hi all, Hope you had a good weekend fitz. Pink, I don't know how you cope living with your ex, I don't know that I could do it. I have had an up and down weekend but it ended, unexpectedly on a high. I am Catholic, I do not agree with the church over their views on homosexuality, I have been disgusted this week at their actions. On Sunday night, I stood up in church and told the whole congregation that I was ashamed to be Catholic! Don't know what came over me but, you know what, I am bloody proud of myself! DH (no religion) said he was also proud of me. So:

1. I have the courage of my convictions!

Good for you Ikea, stand up for your beliefs......

Morning all. Am v impressed Ikea.

It's not so different from when we were married, but better in many ways. He will be gone once the finances are settled. Think I have a good case for split in my favour, hope the court will agree.

fitz do you have an employee's handbook or something, that tells you the procedures for complaining about bullying? The trouble with doing it is that you need evidence, it is v stressful, and even if you win may not improve things in the workplace. To be frank, I would only recommend it if you are planning to leave afterwards. I went through a grievance procedure at the end of my employment, was not upheld, as it was about how I had been managed I got the feeling that they just closed ranks.

Sorry this is not v encouraging, you could try on Employment, there is v good advice given there, some of it by professionals.

thanks ppc. I am in fact being transferred back to my homebase, but the bullying took place in my other office.... I have asked the union to back me, but haven't heard back from them... they usually settle out of court, and I have plenty of witnesses and even some emails....

That sounds like it might be a goer, then, fitz, especially if you have people on your side who will corroborate you. I have heard that unions can be (how shall I put it) variable in the value of their support, like all these things I suppose it depends on the individuals involved.