Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

[madmouse]

still here for you xxx

So glad you did this madmouse.

Still here too.

Thankyou both of you

Rhksmum, wasn't sure whether to mention this or not but I'm due to have a baby any day now so if I disappear for a couple of days, that's why. Just didn't want you to think I'd gone anywhere.

Wow thats great, please dont worry about me, just you concentrate on yourself.

How are you today? It's really sunny here, have the kids managed to get out and about?

We've been stuck in the past 2 days, dismantleing beds and building new ones.
I've lost my temper with them on numerous occasions, screamed at them, stomped away, hid in the toilet crying, acted like a 2 year old because this is too hard, this isn't how it's meant to be.

Now my daughter has gone into panic mode because her dad has said he wants them longer this weekend than planned and she doesn't want to go for longer.
She's already stockpileing food to take with her incase she has to hide in her room like the last time:(

This is one big horrible mess and theres nothing I can do to make it ok or fix it.
I've stuffed up everything, everything I touch turns bad, I'm bad through and through.

Sounds stressful, assembling furniture always is. Can you get them out of the house tomorrow?

Your poor daughter. Is that allowed to extend visits? Why was she hiding in her room?

All you can do is be there for her and hold her hand. That's enough. And this mess is not your making, it's your ex's.

Her and her brother were arguing while they were at their dads the last time, she ran up to her room which is what shes been told to do if she gets angry, not that she does it here but at least she managed it there. She stayed there for nearly 2 days, she only had a bottle of juice and a packet of sweets the whole time she was in there, which explaind why she fainted on the Monday morning.

As far as I know he isn't allowed to ask for extra days unless it goes through the lawyers. When we were last in with the curator she asked if the next weekend they were at his was just a normal weekend or an extended one. I told her it was a normal one, she said thats good.

We've had tantrums gallore tonight so dont know if she's worried about going or if something else is brewing.
She has her counselling tomorrow so hopefully she will manage to get some of her frustration and anger out in there, but I doubt it.

Hi - am here, not posting lots but thinking of you and reading. Safe hugs for you at this time.

RHKS you are not bad, bad things in your life are not that way because you touch them. Give tosspot the blame he deserves.

Ask lawyer to send him a letter

Dear Tosspot

I am writing to remind you that the contact this weekend is scheduled from x to z as agreed in court/per order blahblah. I am sure you will agree the children's welfare is best served by adherence to the agreement.

Thing is he's just bluffing to make you feel cr*p.

Thinking of you xxx

If it's not what you initially agreed and you don't think it's a good idea, you don't have to agree to it to keep the peace. Even if you have verbally agreed, you can change your mind- they found in your favour for very good reason. If you need support with this or aren't sure what to do, phone the curator or lawyer, don't think you have to sort this out by yourself.

Hope her counselling tomorrow goes well tomorrow. You know why she doesn't go to her room when she's losing it at home? Because she knows you'll love her no matter what she does.

I repeat, none of this crap is your fault. It's your ex's.

Spoke to my lawyer today and she says that until my daughter actually says she doesn't want to go then my hands are tied. She is going to speak to the curator as she is the only one that can break the court order.

Her counselling session went ok I guess, she never normally talks about it, but she did say that they are having a meeting next week at CAMHS and everyone involved with her will be going, guess I'm not inluded in that since I knew nothing about and the duty social worker that came out on Monday knew nothing either.

Feel like crap, tried to get my cpn this morning but she wasn't around, horrible night, I have a new bed and it reminded me so much of being at my grans, but waking up this morning made me realise that I'm never gonna do that again, cant ever go back to the way it was, where she made me safe, where I was safe for a few weeks every few years. It's all gone, memories are shit, I hate them, hate it all :(

Ain't that the truth. I am just sick of fighting my PTSD, almost total lack of sleep now for 5 years cos of horrific flashbacks...some days (like today) are just so hideously painful and distorted, I wonder what tomorrow's gonna bring :( I know at the end of the day that it all comes down to me and my ability to cope....but some days I just need to "hand it all over" to someone else! I am just so b*** tired of this constant battle.. So RKHSmum, you are really NOT ALONE! Although I guess it doesn't really help to hear that :( xx

Sorry rhksmum :)

Do the CAMHS team not have progress meetings with you as well? You could probably ask for one if they're not offering. Has the SW been any help?

Sorry your Gran can't make you feel safe and loved any more but that feeling of safety is within your grasp, it's where you're headed. Hold on tight to that particular memory if you can.

Open your mouth and the words are supposed to come out...well thats how its supposed to be, not me, no, I just talk shite, I talk about everything but how I'm feeling, no wonder I'm a mess.
It's simple, I say 'L' I'm struggling, I cant cope, I'm thinking of ending it all, I have been collecting tablets, but no, all I could talk about it my ex, stupid me, screwed up me, waste of time me, even now I'm still putting him before how I'm feeling, oh well never mind, what does it matter.

Slow down hun what's going on? Tried to talk to CPN but too difficult? You sound very agitated.

Have you been hoarding pills instead of taking them? Flush them down the loo please. Talk to me, I'm here xxx

Throw them away. Now. And write it down so you don't need to say the words if you can't speak, it's already done then.

It's hard to say what you're really feeling but you've just told us, you can tell them. I think you really do want to stay safe and get well but the depression is very clever- it makes you avoid getting help so you stay unwell.

You are not stupid, your ex is affecting all your lives at the minute and is a major source of stress. But you're right, you need to get to the heart of the matter and say if you are thinking of ending it all.

Can you either call back or put a letter in the post?

No I've been taking my pills.
But it doesn't matter, truth be told I'm that much of a screw up that I'd mess this up again.
Nothing matters anymore, I've reached the end of the line, no energy, no get up and go, no nothing, its all gone, too tired to care anymore, I've had enough :(

Sorry you're feeling so worn down

Do you feel like the lithium has been any help? Have you been managing to sleep at all?

Psychiatrist is looking at other meds to work along with the lithium as I should have seen an improvement by now. I don't know what to do anymore am so tired can't sleep and even when I do it's nightmares,really had enough of this crappy existence called a life.

Hi rhksmum, I do feel for you as I am in a similarly crap place, as everyone knows from my other thread.. I know no-one on here has the knowledge or ability to bring me out of my dark place, having "hit rock bottom". Sometimes there just isn't "an answer out there", although we need to believe there absolutely must be. We must either just live with our "impairment" or take meds that make us more compliant and less able to truly "feel" our negative emotions. After all why do we always expect to feel good, or happy, or positive about life and ourselves? Surely it should be about getting to "know and accept" that other less attractive, more child-like part of ourselves, that has to learn to live in a sometimes hostile, dark world?
Sorry rhksmum, this is just the way I feel, I hope I haven't upset you...

kibbutz83, I agree we can't expect to feel good, happy, positive etc all of the time but I do think that it is reasonable to expect to feel that way some of the time. Hope this isn't patronising but I'm sorry that you are in such a place that you feel you should accept the darkness instead of fight. For me, the feelings of helplessness, inevitability and that I deserved to feel as shit as I did lifted with treatment. But I don't know you or your situation so won't presume to comment.

Rhksmum, when will you see the psychiatrist again? Is he aware of how badly affected your sleep is? I'm concerned that your lack of sleep and nightmares are making this so much harder for you

Hi hairymelons, the last thing I'm doing is "giving up". I am fighting every step of the way ( and no-one will ever know how hard I have fought ) I "force" myself to feel positive on days when giving up seems a much better option. When life does become so dark, I know that it is all down to me to help pull myself out of it, as the doctor's have no answers, apart from medication which I can't take because I have a blood disorder...I have also had group psychotherapy, which in some ways helped, but in others made things much darker. Life has been very hard for a very long time, but still I fight for myself.
I find music to be a really positive influence on my brain chemistry, and my ipod is a real lifeline.

I dont expect to feel good or be happy all of the time, what I would like is to be able to go to bed without the dread that tomorrow is still gonna be as crap as today was, to look at my children and wonder if today is the last day I will see them and them me, if today is the day that it all ends.
I dont expect miracles, I just wish I could look forward to things, to not be scared of my own shadow, to not be haunted by my past.
Maybe I expect to much :(

Dont have psychiatrist until November, he is looking at my meds and others to see if there is anything else they can give me as he doesn't want to give up on the Lithium just yet.
He knows about the sleep so hopefully he will be able to find a medication that is slightly sedative.

Pyschologist is going to be doing work with me on my nightmares next week but from what I can se its gonna be a long process.

Last nights nightmare was one of the worst I've ever had, today I'm no good to anyone.

Kids go away in an hour and I'm trying to keep it together for them when deep down it's killing me that I have to send them. Both of them didn't sleep last night and are now sat here looking very down, but I cant do a damn thing about it.