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Original poster

Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

236 replies

madmouse · 10/10/2010 19:25

still here for you xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
madmouse · 15/10/2010 17:14

Keep telling them that they don't have to go if they don 't want to - that's all you can do.

Thinking of you xx

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kibbutz83 · 15/10/2010 18:08

I know all about nightmares as I have PTSD.... every night for the last 17 years ( due to the terrible guilt my mother put on me for having my son against her "wishes" ) I wake every few minutes in a cold sweat "seeing" him raped and dead in a ditch, and it all being my fault because I had him.
My son is a lovely person, thanks to no-one but me... I have had no support only a raving lunatic of a mother telling me I need a brain-scan, as I am "mad like my father" :( I have been abused, raped, used and "squashed" since I was tiny.. believe me you are not the only one who is suffering. I used to "expect" to feel happy as if it was owed to me in some way :( I slowly began to realize that the reality is much harsher :( I think maybe it's more about appreciating the better days, and "living through" the bad ones in the "hope" that things will improve...
Obviously I can only speak from my own experience, so that's what I've done :)

hairymelons · 16/10/2010 09:24

rhksmum, you don't expect too much, far from it. Having expectations is like having hope and that is a good thing.

Hope it went ok with the kids yesterday. Remember that however stressful this is for them, they have you to come home to.

It is very good to hear that the psychologist and psychiatrist are addressing the sleep and nightmares. I think that even just a little improvement there could make a huge difference to you.

Kibbutz, sorry if I offended you, I didn't mean to.

kibbutz83 · 16/10/2010 11:16

Thankyou hairymelons, I didn't mean to offend anyone either... I think that my lack of sleep and terrible anxiety are making me crazy. I think not being able to take medication makes it so much worse.. I need that "crutch" for a while. I just wish my psychiatrist would address my sleep/nightmares, but in the area where I live there is very little support for people with mental health problems :( This world seems to be only about "survival of the fittest", and tough s* if you can't cope :( That's how I've learnt that sometimes in our lives we can only rely on ourselves :(
ps, a lot of people have offended me for speaking my mind, and giving my opinion :( But I still believe that there needs to be more "honesty" rather than "placation" :)

rhksmum · 17/10/2010 20:30

Kids came back late fom their dads, the usual crap from him.

My sons friend is dead, not sure if he fell in front of the train or jumped, he was only 16:(

I dont know how I'm supposed to do this, I'm trying to keep it together for them all, but I'm doing a really crap job of it.

rhksmum · 19/10/2010 14:26

It's all gone dark, all falling apart.
Had a long talk with my cpn and the outcome of it is I'm a screw up, not her outcome, mine, I cant see what she sees, not even sure I want to. I'm scared that if I se it her way everything I know will be gone.

If I could swap places with my sons friend I would in a heartbeat, but I cant.
I saw the aftermath of his friend dying, the police helicopters, the train, the police, the rail guards, but I didn't know who it was until Sunday. Now I have all these images going round in my head of what happened to him, how he died.
The train wouldn't have been going fast between the 2 stations.
I feel sick, because I dont know exactly what happened my head is making its own images up and its not nice ones:(

pippoltergeist · 21/10/2010 12:43

Hi rhksmum, I just found your new thread.
I'm so sorry that you are finding things so hard at the moment.

What happened to your son's friend is truly shocking, no wonder you are reacting so strongly to it. Can you find a way to distance yourself from the images?

Your cpn is right, you are not a screw up. You are struggling to do the right things for yourself and your family in the face of an enormous amount of pain and grief. Don't be too hard on yourself. Seeing yourself the way she sees you may not be an easy experience, as you say you will be leaving the past behind. But I'm guessing that leaving the past behind will eventually be part of your healing?

I hope that things have been going a little better in the last couple of days since you posted. Please let me know how you are getting on.

Original poster
madmouse · 21/10/2010 13:20

rhksmum where are you (on fb etc?) are you ok?

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rhksmum · 21/10/2010 20:23

Not ok, everythings falling apart, my youngest has been ill for past 3 days, hard time off ex because I never took him to Dr's but he didn't need to be seen, but he knows best :(

My sons friend could only be identified by his tatoo on his wrist, feel physically sick at the thought of what he went through.

Nothing feels real anymore, it feels like everything is going on around me but I'm not part of it, but I am part of it, I can see me but it's like a stranger looking back on me.

I dont know how much more I can take, My world is crumbling down around me, I dont want to do it anymore, I cant do it anymore.

Original poster
madmouse · 21/10/2010 20:25

Have you been to see psych?

Come talk to me xx

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rhksmum · 21/10/2010 20:43

Pyschologist tomorrow and Pychiatrist next month, but what does it matter, I'm just wasteing their time, wasteing everyones.
I'm sorry I really am :(

pippoltergeist · 21/10/2010 21:11

You aren't wasting anyone's time. You need help to get through this, they are there to help you.

So sorry you are feeling so Sad at the moment.

I hope the pyschologist tomorrow goes OK.

rhksmum · 23/10/2010 19:45

Really struggling, not coping very well at all, kids are here but I want to run away, want it over with.

Stupid things getting on top of me, kids haven't had their tea, dont have the energy to move, the tears wont stop, feel so useless, no scrap that I am useless.
My head is so messed up, everything feels ten times worse than it probably is but I cant stop it, its all going to fast, struggling to breath, to stay alive, to want to stay alive. :(

Keziahhopes · 25/10/2010 00:05

Hi - hope the weekend calmer and easier for you. Sending you a hug x

rhksmum · 25/10/2010 15:38

Please tell me what to do, someone make it ok, make the darkness go.
But you cant, no one can, this is it for the rest of my time.
Spent a whole 22 minutes crying down the phone to the cpn, trying to explain, to say what I wanted to do but i think I just talked in riddles.
What does it matter, what does any of it matter.
It would be soo much better for everyone if I wasnt here, then everyone can go about their lives as if I never existed.

Original poster
madmouse · 25/10/2010 16:12

Keep trying to talk RHKS, to psychologist, cpn, friends, me, on here. Keep telling us as well as you can what is going on in your head and challenge those lying voices that try to make you believe that you don't matter and that you're supposed to be in darkness forever - they're wrong and evil.

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rhksmum · 25/10/2010 16:31

There's no point, they're all fed up of me, feels like they dont want me around.
I give up with them all, and give up on myself.

Original poster
madmouse · 25/10/2010 17:24

I certainly don't think I've given you any hint that I'm fed up with you (and I certainly am not) and as I said it sounds like your psych is being overworked by her 'system'/care trust not fed up of you at all. You need to keep perspective and not let your own ideas run away with you. Just because you would give up on you doesn't mean we do!

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rhksmum · 25/10/2010 17:48

but you should give up on me, I am a lost cause.
I guess I just need to remember I'm just a number, nothing more, nothing less.
No wait I'm more that a number I'm my 12 year olds punching bag too, my dads s*x toy, I have a lot of uses maybe I should be greatful for that.

Original poster
madmouse · 25/10/2010 17:50

''use'' is the imperative word, especially re; what your dad did to you. Glad you can say out loud that he used you x

And no I don't think I have any reason to give up on you.

Sending you big hug xx

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Keziahhopes · 25/10/2010 20:34

You are not a lost cause - it is the darkness talking to you. You have been hurt, you are hurting right now - keep talking x

rhksmum · 25/10/2010 20:56

It doesn't matter anymore, this is too hard.
I hate myself soo much.
It doesn't matter what I do I'm wrong.

When I look out the window it feels like there is bars on them, I'm scared to go out on my own but when I go out with the kids I'm in such a state it all goes wrong.
I'm trying to keep everyone happy, but I'm failing at it, I just make everything worse for everyone, I should just go, just end it now and everyone canbe happy again :(

Original poster
madmouse · 25/10/2010 21:31

rhks you are the only one who thinks that people will be happy when you're dead! That is your illness thinking. I've done it too. it's a big big fat lie!! Your kids need you!

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rhksmum · 25/10/2010 21:36

I'm sure they will find another punching bag somewhere else

rhksmum · 29/10/2010 09:09

Horrible night, really bad nightmares, feel so sick and shakey.
Cant phone psychologist she doesnt return my calls, too ashamed to phone duty worker.
Kids have curator this afternoon soo I have to get myself together enough by then to look sane when all I want to do is hide away :(