Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

[madmouse]

still here for you xxx

rhk you are having a rough time. You can't get much done when you have a child at home either, no time to think (not that thinking is always that helpful for you )
Is your daughter OK now?
I hope this is the last of the coughs and colds and chest infections - it is Spring after all!!
So the next session is this week. I hope your daughter can be more open at this one. I didn't really think she was going to open up after one session. Sounds like she was doing her best 'nice' face and keeping everything under wraps. Your psychologist will have seen that all before I'm sure.
Did you hear any more about the anger management for her?
Are the meds improving at all this week, now you have had a bit more time to get used to them?
Have you got much on at the moment? I hope the sunny weather helps lift your mood and you can get out a bit with some sunglasses on. You can stare at everyone and they will have no idea.
I had my little boy off school with a chest infection last week, but he seems back to normal now. That means he doesn't want to go and refuses to get dressed - nice!

Hi rhk,
just thought I would pop on here and say hi and that I'm thinking of you.

How do I do this?
Everything I know is gone :(
It hurts soo much to keep breathing, to be here.
I know I have to but I dont want to.
I want to scream and shout, throw my toys out the pram and say its not fair, what did I do that was so wrong, that was so bad?
I have nothing left to give, no energy, no anything.
My get up and go has got up and gone :(

You didn't do anything that was so bad
sorry things are so hard!

rhk what do you mean everything is gone? Is it your granny you are thinking of?
Have you been back to the psychologist with your daughter?
I hope your get and and go had come back, what a cheek, going off like that when you need it!

Everything I knew and was, its all gone.
I know I was a nobody before my gran died but now I feel like I'm nothing.
I miss my gran so much it hurts. I miss knowing she was just there, that she loved me even though I had faults, she never wanted anything from me, I was safe.
and now its gone :( all of it.
The nightmares are bad just now, I want to claw my head off, want all the bad things in there to go, but they wont, think they are here to stay.

Have last session with my daughter next week but not sure its made any difference, she wont talk and has made it very clear that she has things that she wont ever tell me or anyone else.

Am supposed to phone the doctors today for the results of her blood tests but cant, cant pick up the phone and do it, I'm too scared what the results will be, will it be bad, will it be good?
It's all stupid, I need to get a grip and stop being so pathetic

You need to stop yelling at yourself and calling yourself stupid - it's normal to be anxious about the results at the best of times and you have a lot on your plate.

Hope you have managed to call by now xx

Got blood results, had to go into the surgery because I couldn't use the phone, they were all normal, which is good but doesn't help explain whats going on health wise for her.

Had psychologist this morning which was hard, told her something I had never told anyone and she still doesn't hate me:(
I so need her to hate me, to feel about me the way I do, its so hard thinking someone can like me for me and not for what I can do.

I can't understand how after everything I have told her she still sees me, still likes me, is still nice to me:(
I just dont get it

rhk well done for revealing the horrible secret. Even if you do feel as if you need her to punish you and hate you, she isn't going to, because she isn't blaming you.
You are not nothing, your granny loved you because you were someone worthy of love and that hasn't changed. I think she would be sad to think you feel you aren't worthy because she has gone.
I'm nodding off here, but I just saw that you had posted and wanted to give you an internet hug.

have no energy, I shout, I scream, I cry.
I do want to be here, dont want to breath, dont want to be alive.
I hate that I have to live, I just want out :(

rhk, what's going on?
I'm sorry you are feeling exhausted again. How are things with your psychologist?
I know you have lots of counsellor type people, but do you think speaking to somebody at Cruse might help, for bereavement. You are having such a tough time about the death of your lovely gran.