Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

[madmouse]

still here for you xxx

I'm falling apart, I cant function properly, cant cope at all with anything.
Blood pressure is high, have to go for physio on my shoulder that my daughter damaged when she was kicking off, my friend whos getting married next year has started her shite again about the wedding, her partner got over friendly with me at the weekend and she found it funny :(

I dont know what to do anymore, tearful phonecall to cpn today, she said all the right things but she cant make this pain go away. I tried to tell her what I tried at new year but I couldn't, am so ashamed that I'm still here.

I just feel so sad, like a big part of me is missing, I want her back but I cant, she really has gone completely :(

rhksmum - sending you gentle hugs xxx

Gosh, you have a lot going on right now. I am having physio for my shoulder too, and it can be painful in the short term for recovery and that probably isn't helping things, if you are in pain. I hope you can be gentle on yourself and not expect too much from yourself.

rhk we were worried about you. I was wondering why you had been away for so long. Do you think it was more of a 'cry for help'?
You poor thing, those parents of yours have a lot to answer for, they have taken away your self-belief and damaged your coping mechanisms.
Good that you are in contact with your cpn. You need that support now and everything you can get. When do you have the psychologist again?
Your gran would not have wanted you to feel so desperate would she. Try to tap into the the love she gave you and the inner strength she had to inspire you.
You have to grieve it's natural and normal, but it will get better, it's just so hard right now.
Did you manage to think of a 'ceremony' or memorial for your gran for you to mark her passing? Can you visit her grave or wherever her ashes were scattered and say something to her? I really think it would help you and your children to have that tribute if you can manage it.
Have you been stuck in the house with the weather? It's turning everyone into hermits. I felt like I was coming out of a cave this morning when I took my little boy for his first day back.
Don't know what's going on with your friend and her fiancee. Is this the friend who has been so supportive over Christmas.
I would keep away from him until the wedding, don't need that kind of grief. Your friend has a very strange sense of humour if she finds her bloke coming on to her friend funny.
Is there any chocolate left?

Hi rhk just checking to see how you are getting on!
Have you got much on this week?
My son's school just phoned to see if I could do some volunteering (hides). It's miserable over here, very grey. How's the West?

Cant sleep, cant get clean, have scrubbed myself til I bled but I still cant get clean, sitting here shaking, images wont go away, worried for tomorrow or today what ever it is.
I'm so angry with her and I have no right to be, none at all.

Have so many things going round in my head, things I cant make sense of, things I'm questioning.
My friend said her partner did what he did to get back at me for dancing in front of him, maybe my mum and d@d did what they did because I did something to make them, there's no maybe about it, I must have, I had to have.

I cant believe shes been gone nearly a month, I thought the pain and the hurt would be gone by now, but all I've done is add anger to it, angry at her for going, angry that she didn't take me with her, that she left me.
How long does this pain last?
how do I make it go away?

RHKS a big part of you has gone when she died and that feeling is not going to go away in a hurry. It is ok to be angry with her for leaving you, it's a phase we all go through when we lose someone we love. It's part of the grieving process.

None of what your mum and dad did to you is you fault. It can't be. You were knee high to a grasshoper. And if a man decides to grope you in front of his partner (well or not in front of his partner) he's a sicko bastard and she should think 100 times before marrying him! But him groping you, aka sexual assault, is per definition his fault and his choice. You can't ask for it!

Try to stop scrubbing - you are as clean as the rest of us, you are not dirty and the smell is a memory, not the reality. Try to get through today. Try to talk to psychologist about how you feel. Speak soon xx

One and a half hours of talking crap
Just about says it all
I know I'm falling back into old habbits and I cant seem to stop it
I know I'm going mad, I thought I saw my gran today, I went up to the lady and said hello granny, she looked at me like I was mad

rhk I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I know this is going to sound rubbish, but it is normal to feel angry at people you love when they die, it is part of grieving.
I agree you don't need to scrub. I'm guessing it makes you feel better, but does it really work?
You sounded as if you were starting to see that you actually have to blame your parents for what they did and not yourself. I am on the outside looking in and I can see it clearly isn't your fault, but I can imagine how it is easy to fall back into those patterns where you blame yourself. I hope you will begin to see it wasn't you as your therapy goes on. When is your next appointment?
You are hurting and it is easier to fall into those habits, I don't know, but perhaps they make you feel more safe and comfortable than the prospect of changing your thoughts and your world.
I agree your friend is behaving strangely about her fiancee. I can't believe she is happy with his behaviour. Perhaps she is trying to excuse him because she doesn't want to deal with what he did to you and possibly dumping him for being a sleazebag.
This might sound really strange, but do you think you could volunteer and help somebody elderly. I go to a craft group full of women who are all in their seventies and eighties and they are great company. I'm just wondering if you would feel safer in the company of older people because of your good relationship with your gran.

rhk just wondering how you are today?

If there is a way theough this I wish there was a map or a sign post because I'm lost, totally and utterly lost and feeling very alone :(

rhk I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone. Are there any support people you can contact? You need all the support you can get when you are going through this.

I'm so done with her,
Living room door is in pieces, she wants to know how her friends have a good mum and she gets a horrible one?
Shes grounded indefinately, its her birthday in a few weeks anmd we were sat talking about what to do for it party wise, now thats not happening, I cant deal with much more of her behaviour.
I'm hanging on by a thread,
It's all so hard, I cant deal with me

I cant do this no more :(

I'm so ashamed, had physio today for my shoulder and when she asked how I had hurt it I hd to say my 12 yr old daughter did it, the look on her face said it all:(

How the hell did it get to this?
How did things get so bad that my daughter assaults me?
How did I allow it?

Spent nearly an hour on phone to psychologist crying, shaking, I'm at a lose as to what to do, she has suggested that I bring my daughter to my next session with her that it wont interfere with my sessions with her but it already has, I've not seen her for nearly 2 weeks and now my daughter comes too, it doesnt feel right but if I say no where do I go from here?

Hi rhk,
how did the physio go, did it help?
I know the situation with your daughter is a nightmare for you. Have you heard any more about the counselling she was supposed to have. You have to do what you think as a parent, but my instinct with indefinite grounding and no party is she is likely to feel she has nothing to lose. Not that I have a clue what I am talking about. If you can get that counselling chased up it would be a great step forward for you both.
Is sharing the psychologist the problem or is it that you would feel vulnerable talking about your own past in front of your daughter. That would be so hard, especially if you haven't really talked before.
It might be something though, for you to do together. I can't imagine the psychologist would talk about anything you weren't comfortable with, but you could check in advance.
Doing something new might help, it might be bad, but you won't know until you go along with her. If it doesn't work out you can just make it a one-off.
You are still very vulnerable after losing your lovely granny. I hope you can see what an inspiration she was for you and let her example give you some comfort and strength.
Keep talking!

Thankyou for coming back to this

Physio was soo painful, she says that it will take a while but hopefully it will get better. Am to have weekly sessions at the moment so hopefully it will get easier as time goes on.

I really dont know what is happening about the counselling, she is still attending Children 1st and they will do the anger management with her but I dont know when that will start.
The meeting they had before christmas sounded quite promising in regards to what they were going to offer help wise but so far nothing has happened, one person says they will do something then anither says no they will do it, then someone else says they cant, just wish they would make up their mind and get on with it.

Your right about her now having no reason to behave as I've took everything off her, I just get so mad with her, 10 minutes before she kicked off we were talking about what we could do for her birthday, talking about parties, bowling, cinema and then she did that, told me other people get nice mums and she gets a horrible mum and it hurts to hear that, I know I'm not perfect but I thought I was doing an ok job, but obviously I'm not.

I dont think its sharing the psychologist thats the problem, I'm worried that I will mix the two up, when I go there I talk about bad things, I disassociate badly when I see her, sometimes even before I go in the room.
The room feels dirty because of what I've talked about in there and I dont want my daughter in there, if thats makes sense.
I think if we had talked about it properly and I was prepared for it, it might have been easier to deal with but she just kind of threw it at me and I've done my usual and wobbled.
The appointment times need to be different to as she has missed soo much school with being unwell that it either needs to be after school or first thing, but an 11.30 time just doesnt work.
As it is she wont be coming to this weeks appointment as shes not well so it means I can talk about it with the psychologist properly and I guess get all my fears out.

Hi rhk,
sorry I haven't been able to reply, it's been a bit hectic.
The physio sounds great. There is more to physio than just repairing, well I think so anyway. I think it's kind of a therapeutic touch, where you trust somebody to touch you to help you. I hope it can help you to relax, that would be a surprise wouldn't it!
Could you get one of your support people to chase up the appointments? Or phone the organisers and tell them your daughter is still wrecking your home and you need some support urgently. If you annoy them enough they might make more of an effort, even if it is just to stop you phoning.
I'm so looking forward to having a teenager!! I was talking to a woman yesterday who has teenage triplets and she said it is without question, the hardest part of parenting. She said either they don't talk and create a bad atmosphere by being moody and sulky, or they go the other way and scream abuse. I doubt your daughter's friends are telling their mothers how great they are and how they are doing a great job.
I can imagine how hard it is to have to listen to your daughter, but it doesn't make what she is saying true. I don't think their are many teenage girls who are up for 'daughter of the year' awards, while we are on the subject of worst mum of the year.
It probably has worked out well that you can go to this week's appointment on your own. Hopefully, you will have a chance to ask the psychiatrist how she sees a joint session with your daughter going, and you can tell her what your concerns are.
I still think it's worth a try, whilst there is nothing in place for your daughter therapy-wise. The worst thing that can happen is that your daughter could smash up the psychologist's doors. At least it would give your doors a break.
Even if a double session is not for you, you won't know until you go along.
Try repeating 'I am a good mum, doing the best I can' in your head whenever your daughter starts on you. At least you are getting a good opinion from the person whose opinion matters most - yourself.
Speak soon

rhk sorry it's been ages. How are you?
You haven't been on here for a long time, I hope that means you have been busy and things are getting better.

Hi RB, no apologies needed.
haven't been around much be coming off my meds which has been horrible, still not completely off them but getting there.
My daughter has been a nightmare, boys have a hole in their bedroom door now and well my living room door is virtually none existent. I'm bruised again and have been swore at, called disgusting names, but guess this is how its to be.
Physio is finished for now as I have been refered to Orthopedics(sp)as its not helping, if anything its getting worse, she came with me for my last physio sessions but didnt seem to care that I was in tears with the pain when the physio was teying to do some of the exercises on me.

We have our first joint appointment together week after next which if I'm honest I'm dreading. I know she will sit there all sweetness and light, smile and nod, say all the right things and I will look like the mad one, I will look like its all in my head. If somethings said that she doesn't like I'm going to get it when we come home.

I'm so close to giving up on her, I dont want to because underneath there my sweet wee girl is there but I dont know if I have the energy to keep peeling away at the layers and I know that sounds bad :(

I hope your doing ok

rhk it's good to hear from you. It sounds awful having to come off meds. The only thing I have had to give up was ciggies and that was hard. Not that I am comparing what you have to go through with me not having a puff, but it was on my mind all the time and so hard to not give in to the feeling.
So why are you having to come off, and are you still taking something?
It is so hard to have to put up with what your daughter is doing. I don't think anyone is going to be fooled by a sweet smile and a few nods, she wouldn't be in this situation if she had no problems the way she deals with her anger.
I hope the joint appointment is a start of a new chapter for her. Is there any news on the counselling and anger management she was supposed to be having?
Although your daughter may not have looked upset when you were at the physio, that is classic guilt behaviour - nothing's happening, I don't see anything wrong. It's known as denial.
I think your Psychologist knowing about your relationship with your daughter will help. It will save all the time explaining about your background and what has gone on before.
She is your sweet wee girl, but she has some problems.

Hiya,
I'm coming off my antidepressants so I can start on new stronger ones. I see psychiatrist on Monday to get the new meds.
I really hope they work because the thought of going through these withdrawals for the past 6 weeks doesn't bare thinking about.

My sons guinea pig had to go in for an operation today as she has cysts on her ovaries, kids took her to the vet with me and broke their heart, the vet explained to them that she may not survive because she was so unwell, but she did :) and it was such a relief. When we went down to get her they took her out the cage and she wobbled towards my son and snuggled into him.

Have psychologist tomorrow and for once I'm relieved to be seeing her, have soo much in my head that I need to get out, I'm just hoping I can get it out.

Still not sleeping, think I'm just going to have to accept that this is the way it's going to be :(

Hows things with you?
Hows your wee boy getting school?

Oh bugger forgot I had named changed, meant to put that at the top of my post that I was RHK but now this.

RHK what you have changed your name!! Now I'm confused!
Poor guinea, but I'm glad she is on the mend, that is so cute - the wobbling!
I'm just off to get my little boy, but will come back later...

Hi again,
sorry got a bit waylaid! How did things go with the psychologist, did it help to empty your head a bit?
Is your guinea completely back to normal now. I can just see her snuggling when she felt poorly, little thing.
Not long to go until you see the Psychiatrist. Are you still going to be taking lithium, or did that not work out?
How are your sons getting on. Does your eldest have exams? I'm not very good at remembering about exams, because I wasn't very good at remembering to study or attend mine. Still, managed to get there in the end. Who wants to pick the motorway when they can go a winding, endless bumpy route to the same destination?
My little boy is doing well, he still likes school, but didn't want to go back after half-term. He is getting a lot more willful now and ignores me asking/telling him to do things. I'm fairly sure he doesn't need a hearing aid so he is just being a six year old really.
Don't even ask about how I am, it would take forever and I don't want to put you to sleep. I am supposed to be having IVF type treatment, but my body is really messing around at the moment and I have had to cancel a couple of times, but other than that I'm good. The older my son gets the more I wonder if I would enjoy going back to that baby stage again, but I'll keep going for now. Plod plod!

Hi rhk,
just wanted to pop in and see if you had been on. You must be too busy at the moment, getting on with things.
Hope you are OK.

Hiya, sorry it's been a while, things have just fallen apart so much I'm not sure I can get them back together any more.

My youngest was rushed to Yorkhill last week with suspected appendicitus(sp) but luckily it turned out to be a virus, but he was off most of last week with it.
My daughter now has another infection, very similar to the one that she was in hospital with last year so I'm in total panic.

I started new meds 2 weeks ago and I feel dreadful, cant eat, feel like I'm not here, feel so sad and everything hurts soo much.

Session with me and my daughter was horrible, she sat there smiling, playing with her tights, tilting her head, looking all sweet and innocent, saying all the right things that she was expected to say.
I did get to tell her that I couldnt keep doing this, that if things didnt change soon she would have to go live with her dad, she didnt flinch, she didnt bat an eye.
We have another session this Monday so will just have to wait and see what happens next.