Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

[madmouse]

still here for you xxx

I know I need to get a grip, but everytime I try its like someones put grease all over what I need to grip onto to pull myself out of this mess and I keep slipping back down.

I'm hanging by a thread, a thread that as each day goes by gets thinner and thinner and when it goes I know I will go with it :(

Yesterday I felt angry, felt like a mad woman, today I feel like I'm sitting watching myself, nothing feels real, its like someone else is in charge of my body.

RHKS you know that the way to get a grip is for you to keep talking to your counsellor and to anyone else you can marginally trust enough to do so. if you keep talking the voices will lose their grip and you will gain yours xxx

Nobody has put grease on it. This isn't about other people, it's about you, and you can choose to stay out or you can get out of it.

Nobody else has any power over you.

The sooner you can come to terms with that, the better, because otherwise yes you will fall back into it, because it is only going on inside you.

None of this is real. it's all feelings and they aren't coming from other people, they're coming from you, and you don't have to take any notice of them.

I don't know if you are ready yet to pull yourself out of this but I know for sure that other people, counsellors, people on MN, doctors or psychiatrists or anyone else won't do it for you. All they can do is nod and smile. You're the one doing the work...it is the only way.

...and testament to this is that you are still there, sitting there, watching yourself, feeling things. You are still there having said hundreds of times that you can't survive this and can't go on - you have done and you're still there.

So really, the fear that you're about to die can be disregarded because it's patently not true.

What you have, at the end of the day, is what you see around you - your body, your feelings, your family and your home.

This is all any of us has - is it better to ditch all that and give up, or just work with it because it's a bit pointless throwing it away? It might not be a lot but it is all anyone has. We're all in this life together and we can sit and feel bloody miserable or we can get on with it, regardless - and sometimes, when you try that, nothing bad happens and you are still alive the next day. As you have proved.

my guess is you are pouring the negative stuff out onto this thread, and still managing to go about your everyday life, maybe not happily but you're doing it.

Which is great.

Who did you open up to?

My cpn, but it doesnt matter any more, after tonight I'm done, my house is wrecked, my phone is broke again, I'm all battered and bruised, my youngest is terrified.
She threatened to run away, to jump out her bedroom window.
I cant live like this anymore, I dont know what to do anymore with her.
I feel like crap, shes making it worse, wont say whats going on, only finished her grounding on Sunday now she has some more.

I'm trying my hardest to stay for them but after tonight I'm not sure thats a good idea, so if anyone has any good ideas on how to deal with a 12 yr old who batters f*ck out her mum, has wrecked 2 doors, a couch, a laptop, 3 phones, computer keyboard I would be really grateful because that thread I was hanging by has just got thinner and I dont think I can carry on :(

Hang on a mo, so the issue is your daughter?

it sounds as though she has some serious behavioural issues. What is being done about these?

I think there are two separate issues here. Your mental health and your daughter's behaviour.

Is she seeing anyone? Has she been assessed? Apologies if going over old territory but the other thread is massive.

Ennis it is hugely compicated and all hanging together.

RHKS I feel so and that so little is done to help you with dd and to help dd not to go off on the rails with anger like this. Especially that you don't know what caused this one.

Thinking of you - sorry was not really around last night, computer was on but I was madly cleaning trying to calm my brain down (failed).

Will be around to chat tonight, take care xx

I'm sure it is - but it does seem like the same issues are being gone over again and again, with no resolution.

If you all want me to fuck off then I will but it's hard to see something unresolved after all this time - MN is usually great at helping people sort things out.

Maybe resolution isn't the object here? I don't know.

I just want to help, I'm not great at listening.

I just mean it seems like things aren't improving. I first responded on the other thread months and months ago.

rhk I'm sorry I haven't been posting recently. I always read though. I know that probably doesn't help you, but I do.
We have been doing IVF and that kind of thing and I just haven't been very good at keeping in touch with people, bit rubbish.
You seem to be very up and down. A little while ago you actually sounded as if you were starting to think about the possibility of not taking responsibility for what your parents did to you, and holding them accountable (scary thought because who wants to think that).
Is that thought still in your head?
How is the lithium going? Is is a month you have been taking it? I know these things can take a while to work, has the psychiatrist said how long they will keep this going?
Nightmare about your daughter, did you phone the police? I know you want to protect her, but it might be best to keep drawing attention to what is going on for future reference and to get you both support.
YOu don't deserve to be treated badly or to have your home trashed.
Very sorry to not have posted, I think the longer I left it the more difficult it was to post.

Rowingboat please dont be sorry its ok. I dont expect anyone to reply, I just write whats in my head in the hope that it makes it go away.

The lithium isn't working aswell as the psychiatrist hoped so is trying to find other meds to add to it. I've now been on it 3 months.

I have duty social worker coming up shortly to speak to me about my daughter and where we go from here, 21 bruises I have, she has no door on her room as its completely broken, but she doesnt care.
It hurts to see her like this, I just want my daughter back, I dont expect her to be perfect, but I want her back.

The police told me after last time that their hands were tied, they could come in and make sure she was safe, but other than that that was it. She has been reported to the Childrens reporter again but nothing ever comes of that, my lawyer and curator are both concerned that if it goes up in front of the childrens panel and she is put on a supervision order my ex will be able to throw his weight about, when 90% of this is down to him.

I dont think things with her will ever change until she leaves home, 4 years next month I have been her punching bag, had my house wrecked by her and it doesnt seem to be getting any better.

How did your wee boy get on starting school?
Is he liking it?

rhk hello! It's nice to hear from you!

I was wondering about the lithium, it sounds as if you are still in pain, like horrible depression, so not good at all. It's a pity, it would have been nice to have a bit of relief from that feeling for you.
Did he say that Lithium doesn't work for everyone?

I'm glad to hear the social worker is coming, at least you aren't being ignored and your daughter is in the 'system'. I don't know what a supervision order is, but would it make any difference do you think?

My little boy is enjoying school, he has been a bit upset recently because his best friend has been a bit unkind to him and he doesn't really know what to do. We have been having a bit of a laugh about it talking about things he could say to his friend (mostly ridiculous), just trying to cheer him up, he is quite a sunny boy.

He said Lithium doesn't work for everyone but the drug combination I'm on it should have.

Social worker was ok, but had to explain everything to her again, because she is just a duty worker she only knows whats on the file, which I guess is alot but not enough if that makes sense.
She says my oldest needs a male mentor to show him that not all male adults are arseholes but thinks hes now too old for it
She mentioned a family mediator to try help get the kids to hear me and to make sure everyones needs are being met.
I was also told me that if/when my daughter kicks off again I have to phone the police as if I dont I'm putting my youngest at risk and they dont take a good view of that, I totally get where she's coming from but it's very difficult when your daughter has you by the hair and is punching and kicking you, using the phone is the last thing you think of.
She is going to find out what is happening with the Reporter and get back to me about.
Both my lawyer and curator were both concerned about her being put on a supervision order as it means my ex has more of a say, more control and thats not a good thing.

She did alot of talking and assured me they were at the end of the phone but she says as I have alot of services they dont want to overload me
Maybe I do have a lot of services, but they are for me, not the kids, and its them that need the input.

Dont know what the next step is, have psychologist tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to . Hopefully after that I will manage to get some sleep since I haven't had any since sunday.

rhk that sounds quite good, what the social worker said. I agree you can't call the police when you are being attacked, but I think it has to be done after. At least it may stop a second attack on you or the house if the police turn up to help defuse the situation.
Not great news about the lithium, should it have worked by now or could it take a bit longer?
I hope they find something more effective soon.
How did the psychologist go? Hope it wasn't too harrowing.

He said he thought that there should have been some improvement by now with the Lithium but I dont feel like there has been any, if anything I feel worse :(

When the social worker said yesterday that I was suffering domestic violence it scared me because now it has a name, now I cant hide from it, now its real, if that makes sense.

Seeing the psychologist was strange, I really struggled to stay in the room. I dont remember much from the session, I know she phoned Camhs while I was there but I really dont remember much else from it.

She phoned me tonight to say she still hadn't managed to get hold of anyone from Camhs but she wasn't giving up. I tried to tell her about this morning, about how I'm feeling but couldn't, I did ask if we could do work next week on my nightmares as they are spilling out into the day and they are scaring me, and asked her to make sure I didnt try and distract myself from it which I'm very good at doing these days.

rhk not good about the lithium, but good that the psych is keeping on top of it and trying other options. You are obviously unique and don't respond to just any old medicine.

Does that help that the social worker has given the situation a name? I know it probably won't help now, but your daughter and you will come out the other end of this. I remember being very aggressive when I was a teenager, the hormones don't help at all.
You don't deserve this violence and stress, it's just horrible that you have to put up with this when you have had such a lot of grief in the past.
How is your daughter, has she spoken about what happened, or is it head in the sand?

It sounds like a good idea to tackle the nightmares. You have been having so much trouble sleeping, I hope it helps to defuse the dreams a little and you can get a couple of hours sleep. It's amazing how much difference it makes when you have some decent rest. Definitely something to aim for.

Hey RKHS had hoped to catch you yesterday but was looking after my friend's daughters and I didn't get home until midnight and went straight to bed.

I wish I could make you see what I see, that I'm proud of how hard you fought yesterday to stay in the room and then tried again to explain later and then ask her to work on nightmares with you and ask her to stop you distracting from it - you are brave, like it or not x

If I can help you during the week to get some of the nightmares on paper I would love to do so xx

It sounds as though your daughter is blaming you for the relationship breakdown... you certainly need some kind of intervention, as it sounds as though the two of you need to start listening to eachother.. I'm not sure you can expect to "get her back" either.. she is changing not only because of her hormones, but because you are unable to cope with her "tantrums" in an appropriate way.
We choose to have our kids, and however hard things get we must do our best to protect and understand them. Being a mother has made me very ill physically and emotionally because I wasn't equipped to do the job properly, and every day I wanted to turn and run, and not look back, most of us do at some point.
Life doesn't always turn out the way we imagined it would.. and that is yet one more thing we must learn to adjust to and deal with. I think there's a lot to be said for being pro-active rather than re-active...

Rowingboat
Medication has always been a problem, if something works its only short term so they needs to be changed to something else and the cycle continues.
Giving it a name for what my daughter does makes it feel ten times worse, it makes me feel like my mum did when my dad would hurt her, I know how my youngest feels as I was him once watching my dad beat my mum, its all such a mess.
She hasn't spoke about what happened to me, she mutters under her breath if she wants something but thats about it.

Madmouse
No worries, I wasn't really in any fit state yesterday for anything.

Kibbutz83
I guess what I was trying to say, I didn't manage to write down properly, I know I can never get her back as how she was, I know she has changed, I just want my daughter, one that I'm not scared of, one that doesn't hit me, I would like what most people take for granted :( and if thats wrong then I'm sorry.

It isn't just me that is unable to cope with her 'tantrums' the proffesionals are at a loss on how best to deal with them to.

Your right I did chose to have children, but
I didn't sign up to be beaten up by a 12 year old who started doing this when she was 9, maybe I've got it all wrong and this is how my life is supposed to be, abu$ed by an adult as a child and now abu$ed as an adult by a child.

Tbh Rhks, I don't believe that any of us have the right to take anything "for granted" in this life.. that way lies disaster and disappointment. This isn't how your life is supposed to be, but it is the way it is for whatever reason... I guess if you can uncover those reasons, then your's and your children's lives will be so much better. I believe that the answers lie within you...

Maybe granted isn't the right word, maybe normal is more the right word.

I see my friends with kids my daughters age or older and this hasn't happened to them, they are very good at saying 'oh if mine did that I would do xy and z', but to be honest until they have walked in my shoes they dont have a clue, no one does. Dont get me wrong I will do/try anything that is suggested.

I guess I'm not doing a very good job of trying to explain whats in my head here and its probably coming out all wrong :(

I think a lot of people out there put on a good "act" of being "normal".. My parents pretended to everyone that our lives were normal :( There was sexual abuse, countless affairs, violence, neglect.. but to the world we were a normal family! Eight months ago I discovered that my (then 16 year old) son was gay and being groomed by AT LEAST two paedophiles.. is that normal? I have had a horrifically hard time being his mother! From the age of about 4 he would sneak out of the house and disappear for hours. I used to run round the streets screaming, "knowing" in my screwed-up mind that he was being raped and murdered (I still do, every time he goes out) I have had to hold him down before to stop him running away, and he has attacked me because he never wants to listen.. So you see you really aren't alone with all of your problems! There are so many of us suffering :(

RHK, I'm sorry but I am really not clear what exactly is happening with your daughter at the moment.

It sounds like a social worker is talking about her to you, but not putting any measures in place.

From what you describe she is not only deeply disturbed but has possibly got some form of psychosis - or a personality disorder or similar.

HAS she been assessed by a psychiatrist? If so what did they say? If not, this is urgent - she needs to be seen and diagnosed and basically given some proper help, because if this carries on as you describe, one of you is going to end up severely injured or worse.

Can you just outline what has happened so far in HER care, and what they are doing for her.

Since she was 9 she has been violent to me, wrecked the house, refusing to go to school.
We have had intense family support involved but after 3 moinths they gave up, the police have been involved but they say they cant do much other than make sure we are safe and my property isnt damaged anymore, they say its social works job to help.
She has been refered to Camhs 4 times but each time they have an excuse for why they wont help her.
This time though they have finally agreed to assess her mental health, so she has an appointment in Decenmber for that assessment.

Part of the problem is she cant say whats going on in her head, she's a people pleaser, she does and says what she thinks people want to hear, and I suppose its trying to get her out of that habbit and saying what she wants to say.
She has recently been making more decisions where her dad is concerned which is great as this time last year she wouldn't have so she has took a step forward with him, but it does have a fallout affect in here when he takes the huff with her decision, but he's not my concern, she is.

If Camhs decide she doesnt have any mental health issues then they wont see her so we are then back to the drawing board.