Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

[madmouse]

still here for you xxx

Fuck it all, have had it.
why do I put myself through this, no more, I'm done :(

Big hug RHKS xxx

Hope the day went better that you anticipated - x

I really hope you are ok rhksmum. I can totally identify with the darkness you feel trapped in. The night you posted about your son's friend's death, my teenage son was out god knows where.. I couldn't get through to him on his mobile, it was off ((which I have begged him not to do). When I saw your post my mind and body went into anxiety free-fall. I have always had horrific visions and nightmares about my son's demise. I'm having one right now! I didn't sleep till 6am, then had dream after dream about "the words I hate to say" regarding my son.. It is unbearable for me, as I see it also is for you.. being enveloped by this all consuming blackness. For me having a child probably wasn't my best-ever decision :( Anyway, please know that you are not suffering alone? Take care x

Kibbutz I'm beginning to wonder the same thing, not so sure it was a good idea to have kids either.
I've messed them up, messed them about so many times, and I hate that I have to stay here, I hate that their dad is an arse and to leave them with him would damage them so much more.

Major panic attack in supermarket, scared kids senseless, had to leave shopping and come home.

Still waiting on psychologist phoning back, 4 messages left for her over the past week and a bit and still nothing so I'm giving up :(

Am so tired but not enough to sleep, feel so sad, empty, lonely

Hi rhksmum, on it goes, relentlessly :( I just think most days how do I fight this, how can I keep my head above the water? Is this ever gonna "loosen it's grip" on me :( I don't know the answer to that. I can honestly say that everything frightens me, and very few things make me feel safe (if anything).
My son's father is a waste of space too. He has done nothing for my son in 17 years (he spent 7 of those years in a Peruvian prison for drug-smuggling :() When I've begged for his help in the past, because I have so desperately needed a break, he has always refused. So now I don't speak to him, though my son thinks he's fine.
I could write a b*** book on my horrific experiences which have brought me to the terrifying place I'm in now :( And I'm sure you could do the same. But I'm sooo tired, and so defeated by it all... my PTSD is so awful right now that even a 7.5 zopiclone isn't working :(
I've also found with psychologist/psychiatrist you have to persevere, and that it's more than likely you will just have to keep trying... leaving messages rarely works:(
I know it can make me feel even more "invisible" when they don't bother to call back.
I do think that life is a roller-coaster for some people, and a walk in the park for others :( There may well come a day when your perspective and capacity to cope with things shifts, although things may always be challenging (I know they will for me). I think human beings are pretty good at adapting to difficult situations.. we just have to learn as we go along :(
When I was on my own with my son for the first eleven years, all I wanted was for someone to "help and support" me... I was so sick of fighting alone. You've got to remember that kids do grow-up :) It's not forever, although the concern and love is xx

Just wanted to say that I had my first panic attack while my son was with me :( The station staff called the paramedics as I was lying on the floor screaming that I was about to die :(
Life can just be s* sometimes, and we don't want to go on anymore... but somehow we do :) x

Hey, rkhsmum from what you posted about your psych she is great but busy - there may be a reason she not getting back to you (I not had a psychologist but the nurse person never rang me back as messages not given etc!!)

I am glad you say you have to stay around for your kids, sounds tough for you right now - hope you can be kind to you.x

Hi Keziah, I saw her on Thursday, she was so apologetic, said she had been really busy but that was no excuse.
I feel really bad for doubting her, for making her feel bad.
I dont want to lump her in with all the other ones that dont phone back, aren't really interested in helping me, but its so hard.
It's gonna take alot to get back to where I was with her and I hope she will give me that time.

This week has been really bad my youngest had an accident on Wednesday and was rushed to hospital with concussion, then back to hospital on Thursday with more symptoms.
My ex was supposed to have the kids this weekend but I wasn't keen on sending my son as he still wasn't feeling well and my daughter wouldn't go unless her brother went, so my ex is giving them a hard time over this.

what does any of this matter any more
supposed to be in court tomorrow but I just want to run away, its all too hard.
Went to get my prescription and one of my meds was missing, eventually Gp spoke to them to say they have decided to take me off it, was soo nice of them to let me know, its the ones that helped me with my headaches, so now I have nothing.
Was told I have to make an appointment with the new Gp to introduce myself, just icase i need help for a vurruca(sp) or something like that.
Cant do that, new Gp is male, cant see him, my previous gp was female, I dont see the male Gp's in the practice, I struggle with males full stop.
When I had found out it was a male Gp taking over from my old one I asked to change onto one of the other female Gp's list but was told I can see anyone in the practice so there was no point in changing, now they are telling me I have to see him.

Thought about changing Gp practices but who would take on a mad bitch like me, no one in their right minds :(

I so didnt need this today, am already needing scraped off the roof, doing my best to keep safe but its not working well at all.

Not sure I even care what happens in court tomorrow, just want to end it so bad, want out so badly.

Hey hun that sounds like a bad day - stuid gp practice, weird they take you off meds like that without review and force you to see a male gp. My practice offers chaperone service by a nurse or receptionist, would that help?

They are very insensitive. But you are not a mad bitch - DON'T use words like that for yourself!! Please x

What happens in court matters a lot. i know you want out (and you know I don't want you out) but you know you can't leave the kids in his hands, it's not safe. So you need to hang in there as best you can.. I'm here for you xx

It doesn't matter anymore, I've tried, I've messed up, I've failed :(

You tried unbelievably hard, you haven't messed up and you haven't failed xx

thats just it I haven't tried hard enough, but it doesnt really matter anymore.

You have tried so so hard and you are making steps forward - you are standing up for and caring for your kids - they need you

its not enough though, its never gonna be enough, time to face facts its time the mad bitch left the building

Hi, hope court goes ok and that after it you can feel a bit better about yourself rhksmum.

If you can see any female gp then why not make an appointment with a female one and ask if you can have her as your regular named gp, as an administrator cannot decide for you to have a male ... am sure a gp will agree to have you!!!

It was a female Gp that told the pharmacist yesterday that I had to see my Gp.
I so didn't need this this week, kids have been off not well, my sons been at hospital twice with concussion, court this morning, panicing that my daughter wouldn't be well enough to go to school and my oldest was gonna have to stay off school to watch her which in turn would have meant he lost this weeks EMA, gonna phone my cpn and see if she can speak to them, try to explain whats going on and how they could have picked a better time to spring this on me, I wish my old Gp hadn't retired, as much as I struggled with her sometimes she knew me, she knew my past and I trusted her.

Maybe it's time to face facts, I'm a mess, no one can help, need to get a grip :(

RHKS no more calling yourself a bitch - please -other people have called you names for too long and without you deserving it, now they can sit back and watch you do it to yourself - stop it, you deserve better.

Good idea to get cpn to talk to docs - sounds like a plan.

Thinking of you today - will hopefully catch you later to find out how court went. Have counselling 10-11 and physio with ds 4-5 but outside that if you need me come talk xx

Well thats that
he didnt turn up for court, got his dates wrong, but thats ok, he's allowed to do that, his lawyer is allowed to make me feel like a piece of crap, who's next in line?
Give it your best shot because I dont give a flying f*ck anymore

very angry for you - I can't believe he's done that - I know how much it cost you to get to court today.

What did his lawyer say to make you feel that way?

And no, he's not allowed to do that but in the interest of the children I guess there's not much else to do about it.

hi rhksmum, haven't been around but I'm caught up now.

So sorry about your son's friend.

Will you have to go to court again now because of your ex?

I cant stop shaking, feel so sick, cant catch my breath, the tears wont stop.
I need it to be over, this all hurts too much.
My friends wedding was nice but it made me realise that I will never have that, my kids will never have the extended family that they deserve, they are lumped with me, they dont deserve that, I dont deserve them.

We only have to go back to court if he pulls anymore stunts or we can't agree holiday dates.

Why do I put myself through this,
I cried, I was honest and it got me no where.
So thats that, will go back to no tears, putting the mask firmly in place, it wont be slipping ever again.

'Maybe it's time to face facts, I'm a mess, no one can help, need to get a grip'

It was only when I felt like this that I actually managed to get a grip, and get myself out of the mess, because I realised finally that pinning it all on other people was never going to work - they couldn't or wouldn't help me.

the only person who could climb out of the dark was ME

It worked, I got out of it and am here,

it's a bit hairy, granted, but it IS the only way to make things better, to do it yourself. Forget everyone else and do what you need to do. Because nobody else can do it for you.