Really struggling - rhksmum support thread part II

[madmouse]

still here for you xxx

Hi rhk
it's such a shame the children feel so upset by seeing your ex. I hope the curator hears all this.
He would get a shock if you refused to let them go,until he listened to you and the children.
He is lucky you are being so helpful, I know of cases where the mother has refused access for years and that is in situations where the father is quite reasonable.
He really needs to wake up.
Having a rant sorry. I'm having one of those kinds of days.

I can understand how you would need to split off the parts of yourself which were being affected by abuse. You must get little 'orphan' selves. Are you encouraged to rescue the parts of yourselves who are abused children?
I hope I don't sound flippant, I am very awed at your bravery, both of your.

They tell the curator what goes on, or at least think they do I cant go in the room when she is talking to them, but it doesn't seem to change anything. My daughter has the curators mobile number so she can phone her anytime if things get difficult when shes away but thats only workable if they haven't took her phone off her.
He really does need to wake up and realise the damage that he is doing to his kids.

My psychologist does try to make me see that the wee me needs compasion and love but I cant see that, I really dont like her, I dont want her near me.
I have noticed the sessions where I think I haven't got anything from are the sessions where its not me in the room, the ones where I worry I have upset her, that I feel she hates me, because I have no recollection at all of what went on in there.
It is happening more and more often than it did before and it scares me. I dont know how to deal with it :(

And you dont sound flippant.

rhk that must be soo hard, not to know what is going on with the curator. Do the children tell you what goes on when they are in the room?
I feel sad for your 'wee me'. I can imagine that having a little person reminding you of what your parents and their friends did is very uncomfortable. I can't imagine how it is for you, and I also think you are brave to even consider thinking about it again when it must have been so painful.
Still your 'wee me' does deserve love and compassion. Do you have any pictures from that time, to help you see that you were just a normal child?
It must be so strange not to know what you have been talking about, how freaky. Not surprisingly that is scary for you, I don't know what I would do if I had a kind of 'blackout' like that.
Is the idea to 'join' together your 'parts' so that you will be able to remember what you have said? I suppose when you don't remember, the part of you that you have cut off is protecting your everyday part from having to remember or deal with what happened.
Rhk I have just remembered that you have presents which need to be wrapped. You have no excuse with the children away. Now I definitely sound flippant. Sorry!

I do have some pictures of me when I was wee that my gran sent through, my psychologist had asked me to get some so that I could see me as a child, see the wee me. I'm not sure if she thought it would change my view of myself, but if anything it freaked me out more. I dont think I look normal, I look at the pictures and I see what they did. My psychologist said I had really sad eyes in them, but I cant see that either.
My family always said my daughter was my double when I was younger, I never saw it until the photos came and it terrified me. I really struggle now when I look at her to see her, for her and not see me, more so when shes kicking off and I see her and I see what I should have been like, and if I had been like her I might not be the mess I am now.

The kids do say to me when they come out from seeing the curator but the 2 of them start talking and both tell me different things, I have to wait until she has wrote to my lawyer and she tells me.

Present wrapping will get done this weekend as I cant deal with all these bags lying everywhere, although not sure where I'm gonna hide them, but I'll figure something out.

Morning rhk,
you must have bought presents that were too big, now remember, next year, everyone gets a pair of socks. That doesn't take up any space!
I can imagine seeing yourself would remind you of what happened. What freaks you out though, is it that the picture triggers memories?
I think it is a good thing that you sense a link between your 'wee me' and your daughter as a child, because you love and care for your daughter. Perhaps you will be able to extend that love to yourself in time.
Sounds confusing with the two different accounts after the curator. Perhaps it's just two different perspectives. Sometimes find that when things happen, my friends remember different things from me, not that it didn't happen, but I just didn't notice what they were talking about. I'm quite often the one who didn't notice things to do with dates and times, but I notice the way somebody said things or the way somebody looked at somebody else.
Is there snow over there?
We have a little bit here, but this afternoon we have to drive out to near IKEA, which is quite hilly, so looking forward to all those lovely, ungritted, country roads. Wheee!

The pictures remind me of what I was, am. I still cant see myself as a child, I see her as this disgusting person, a person that did unspeakable things with her parents, it makes it more real what she did to see her in black and white.
When I look at my daughter I see someone I never was, its like chalk and cheese, we look the same but act so differently, if I had behaved like she does now maybe things wouldnt have been as bad for me.

I think it is just the kids seeing things diffrently, although there is only 2 years between them my son still struggles to take things in whereas my daughter is totally on the ball.

We have had quite alot of snow over here, although the paths are clear now its starting to freeze. I hope he manages to bring the kids back tomorrow and not get snowed in, not sure if the kids will appreciate being snowed in with him.

The presents aren't big, I just dont have storage in here, which is a pain in the neck, thank goodness the kids are older and I dont have big toys to try and hide. I think socks sound like a better plan for next year though, easier to wrap and to hide.

Hope you had a safe journey.

hi rhk,
we did get back OK, I don't think it seemed as cold tonight and the snow wasn't freezing.
I hope your children don't get snowed in as well. I think they would dig their way home even if it was miles rather than stay.
Apparently this cold weather is set to last for at least a week.
Oh well, at least it has stopped raining!
It is so sad that you see yourself in that way, I mean as a child. It is awful that your parents have done this to you and now you are unable to look at the child you were and want to help your young self.
I think you will eventually see those pictures and just see a normal child who didn't deserve to be let down.
It's hard to say whether your daughter would have got away with her behaviour with your parents. You can't compare yourself with them or treat her with the complete lack of respect and contempt that they have.
I don't believe you did anything other than survive the treatment, I doubt you could have fought back.

My stomachs in knots, cant shift this really nervous feeling, like something bad is gonna happen.

Kids came back last night and had the usual guilt trips played on them, am so sick and tired of him and his games.

Really horrible night, bad nightmares, horrible thoughts.
Not sure whats real and whats in my head :(
Feel like I'm going mad again, or is it I'm just getting madder :(

Hi there,
Do you think you are worried about your ex starting up again?
Have you been able to talk to them about what happened at the weekend? I hope your daughter didn't have to live off food from her suitcase.
It's good that he was able to return them on time, this weather is really stuffing things up over on the East coast. Schools were all closed in Edinburgh and the roads are really dodgy.

I dont think he's helping with things, I shouldn't really be surprised at the stunts he pulls, but he always manages to.

Kids were late back but thats so he can make his point about how he is in control.
There wasn't any snow where they were, the first time they hit snow on the roads was when they got into Glasgow.

Kids are off school here to but its an in-service day today and tomorrow is a holiday, so they aren't back until Wednesday fingers crossed.

We have had alot of snow but not too bad yet, no doubt though now I've said that it will get worse.
I really hope it doesn't turn out like last winter, dont think I could cope with that.

I know it was awful last year. It's not so cold though, this time. YOu can actually go outside without your nose dropping off and there isn't the killer ice all over the pavement.

Fecking snow, wish it would go away.
Cpn didn't turn up today, dont know when I will see her next.
Had soo much I needed to say but guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Supposed to be going to Drs tomorrow but not sure if the snow will put paid to that to.
Psychologist on Friday and again I'm panicing about that, will it be cancelled because of the snow?
Not a good month for all this to happen in but not much I can do :(

I want to sleep so badly, want to close my eyes and never wake up, but unfortunately I keep waking up :(

hi rhk
the snow is nuts. I can't believe we have all this snow, it's like living in Sweden. On one hand it is beautiful, but on the other, forget about driving and forget about lots of core services.
I think the council is realising it can't just shut up shop until the snow goes, because the country would grind to a halt. I hope your cpn can reschedule, it's not your fault it is snowing! Could you phone her with a list (hate lists, but they are handy to stop you hanging up without saying what you wanted)?
What are the buses like where you are? Everyone is on the bus in Edinburgh, not many cars on the road, apart from 4x4's.
I drove to work this morning then couldn't get into the car park. So went home and got the bus to work, very late. There were quite a few people there, so life is going on.
You might find the GP surgery is open, even if it is closing earlier than usual.
Are you going to talk about the nightmares again. Eventually, your present mind might allow you to hear what your other 'part' is saying to the psychologist.
I wish you could sleep a little too. It is rubbish to keep waking up. Does it help to sleep with background noise, like on the sofa with the TV on and a lamp?
Are the schools open over there?

The snow over here isn't as bad as it is over your way. Schools here are still open, rubbish was collected as normal today. Main roads are clear its just the smaller housing estates that are still covered in snow, but are passable if careful.
I think after last years snow the council here are more on the ball than they were.
First thing in the morning seems to be when everything is at a standstill, then it gets moving again.
My Dr's appointment is for 8.40 so depending on where the Dr has to come from will depend on whether she will make it in.

Heard from the Children's Reporter today and they dont feel a childrens hearing is needed for my daughter, so thats that, not sure what happens next.

I dont know what I'm talking about with psychologist on Friday, my head is mincemeat, not sure what I'm doing anymore, it all feels pointless.

I have to have some noise in the background as I'm terrified of silence, but psychologist said that maybe the background noise is getting through when I am asleep and triggering me in my sleep:( so I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Arghhh bloody Dr's receptionists, snowed in up here phoned to say I was doing my best to get there, kids had been sent to various neighbours so I could make my appointment, was told we will give you an ectra 10 minutes if your not here then your appointment is cancelled and you are marked as DNA, if you get another 2 then you can be struck off our list.
Phoned taxi company in tears to see where my taxi was, they were realy good, managed to get a taxi to me, so I was only 5 minutes late for my appointment, but because I was in a state I coldn't get my words out.
Dr was really nice, turns out it was just a whole misunderstanding about my meds, they just wanted to see if they were working which is why they wanted to see me, but thats not what I was told.
Told her that psychiatrist is now saying he isnt happy that I was on them as my blood pressure can drop quite low on them, but she said that I am on such a low dose that that wouldn't be an issue, but as a compromise(sp) she will put me back on them but see me every 6 weeks to check my blood pressure.

Not heard from Cpn yet, guess I just wait and see.

rhk what a nightmare. When it comes to doctor's receptionists: ignore, ignore, ignore. They are generally total battleaxes who think they own and run the surgery.
It is absolutely ridiculous to have a go at you when they know a lot of people are having difficulty travelling because of snow. Stupid people!
Do you want me to phone them?
I'm glad to hear that the confusion with the meds has been sorted out and great that they want to see you about it and not just pack you off with a prescription.
That sounds like a plan, to get you in for bp tests. Would that be with the GP herself or the nurse? It sounds as if you have a good surgery there (apart from the dragon at the gate).
I imagine the CPN is letting a lot of people down at the moment. She will be in touch. Have you left a message with her to get back to you?
I have just registered what you said about your daughter. Does that mean no psychological assessment?
How is the wrapping going?
We are making our own paper, well not the paper, but doing potato stamps on brown paper (why?) so should have the presents wrapped for Christmas 2011.
I'm off to the shops now, need to find a pair of trousers as I am down to about three pairs. I hate the styles at the moment, either skinny or tapered/harem trousers. Make me look like a sock with a tennis ball in the middle. Horrible!

No she still has her assessment at CAMHS, the Childrens Reporter was who the police refered her to when she badly assaulted me in July. It's like a childrens court, it makes me wonder how bad things have to be, not just with me but with anyone for them to actually step in.

Have to see the GP so she can give me the presciption, just so mad at them in the sense that I have suffered for 3 weeks, had some pretty bad withdrawal affects and all because of a mis communication on the part of the GP and pharmacist.

Wrapping!!!
My plan was to do it last weekend, but stipid me forgot to buy tags so couldn't do any and now I cant be bothered.
My friend is coming to put my tree up next week as I cant deal with it, but she keeps reminding me it has to go up for the kids.

At least you have christmas 2011 sorted

rhk I'm relieved to hear your DD still has the assessment. I think she needs some extra support.
It's scary to think how bad some people's children must be if they are happy to allow teenagers to assault their parents. Maybe that court is only for children who burn the house down and hold up a bank or something. Ridiculous.

Take the friend's help! I wish somebody would put my tree up, I can't bear it!
It's such a faff, with the lights. Don't forget to put the tree near a socket otherwise you will have a cable across the floor, or at neck height.
Last year DP and DS did it without me, and it looked like a dog's breakfast, but at least I didn't have to do it.

I'm not surprised you are angry at the mix-up with the meds. It's not fair to leave people in such a vulnerable position with no support or follow-up. Did the GP apologise?

No GP didn't apologise, but I have them now so thats all that matters.

Had the night from hell, my daughter took not well last night and couldn't breath, ended up at the hospital for most of the night. She has a chest and throat infection which isn't helped by the fact that she cant really breath through her nose and her throat is half closed over due to the infection.

My friend came up and sat with her in the house so I could go and see psychologist which I think went ok.
I did my usual, talked about my daughter, talked about the fright I got in the night with her and then she said she had a question for me , she asked if there was more than one of me? and it all tumbled out, she mentioned that it sounded like I may have D.I.D. I told her my worries about not remembering the sessions because its not always me in the session, so she is going to write down what we have talked about and send it to me so I'm not in a state of panic until the next session.

I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders by telling her but I'm also terrified now, I feel really vulnerable, scared of what happens next :(

hi rhk,
I'm absolutely stunned at what happened in the psychologist's office.
Sorry to hear about your daughter as well, that must be so, so stressful. She is lucky she has you to take care of her and make sure she gets the attention she needs. I hope she is on the mend soon, it is so scary when you can't breathe properly and your throat swells up. I remember having something like that last year and it was awful.
Amazing what happened in with the psychologist. That must be frightening, but I think it is very exciting, it seems like a real breakthrough to have that acknowledged.
I haven't heard of DID, but I'm guessing it is related to your different 'parts' and 'wee me'. It must be so strange to have somebody look at your defence system, which has protected you for so long, even though it hasn't been helping you to feel happy, I guess it has blocked off some of what has happened.
That's a good friend you have there. You deserve good friends.

hi rhk,
I'm absolutely stunned at what happened in the psychologist's office.
Sorry to hear about your daughter as well, that must be so, so stressful. She is lucky she has you to take care of her and make sure she gets the attention she needs. I hope she is on the mend soon, it is so scary when you can't breathe properly and your throat swells up. I remember having something like that last year and it was awful.
Amazing what happened in with the psychologist. That must be frightening, but I think it is very exciting, it seems like a real breakthrough to have that acknowledged.
I haven't heard of DID, but I'm guessing it is related to your different 'parts' and 'wee me'. It must be so strange to have somebody look at your defence system, which has protected you for so long, even though it hasn't been helping you to feel happy, I guess it has blocked off some of what has happened.
That's a good friend you have there. You deserve good friends.

I've completely lost it, screamed and shouted at my daughter, I know shes not well but she is better than what she was.
She has now given me what she had and I feel like shit, am trying to build a wardrobe and its all gone to pot, have been sent wrong parts and now its too late to send it back, ended up a sobbing mess in the middle of her room. Am such a stupid cow, I didnt want to put it up when we got it because I was worried she would wreck it, now she may as well as its useless, a bit like me :(
Whole house is a disater, just like my life right now.
I need to get uniforms and dinner sorted but I cant come out my room, I cant face dealing with 'normal' everyday things.

Supposed to be seeing psychiatrist tomorrow but cant face it, cant face seeing the disapointment in his eyes because i still feel like crap.
Cant face christmas, trying so hard to be 'normal' for the kids but its not working, am a mess
sorry:(

Building a wardrobe sounds stressful - even with the right parts, could you leave it until Monday and ask your friend to help you, the one who did the tree. I absolutely could not put a wardrobe together and would react badly too. It is not just you rhksmum.

Perhaps seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow will help - be as honest with them as you can.
Your time with psychologist seems to have been a break through, so it is a difficult time for you right now, all ofyou.

Can you try and be gentle on self and do nice things for you, as much as you can.

Already phoned my friend in tears, she says she hasn't got a clue.
I have the wrong part but because stupid me left it too long to build there's nothing they can do.
Will look again at it later in the week, right now I'm liable to smash the whole thing up.

I really need to get a grip but I can't, can't stop the tears, my stomach is in knots, feels like something really bad is going to happen but I dont know what :(

Just feels soo pointless right now and I dont know how to snap out of this :(

rhk, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. Those flatpacks things are horrendous, it's not your fault if it is all wonky, that's what most people end up with.
It sounds as if the anxiety of going to see the psychiatrist is getting to you and you are going off in all directions. See how you feel tomorrow after the appointment. I have a feeling you are going to feel a lot more relaxed after you have got that out of the way.
My DS is going to look like a tramp tomorrow, he is putting back on his Friday trousers and polo shirt and a sweatshirt off the clothes horse. Will he care - I doubt he would notice if I put him in a ballet tutu.
When is he psychologist?