Lonely in the playground

[Lonelymum]

I am not depressed as such, just feeling sad and couldn't think where else to put this.

Well, this is not a new subject for Mumsnet I know, and I have taken part in quite a few other similar threads in the past, but here I am again, alone and friendless in the school playground and I really feel sad about it.

For anyone who doesn't know, I moved a few months ago from a great village where my children went to the only school in the village. Everyone went there and I knew loads of people. I never went to the school without speaking to half a dozen people twice a day. It was the highlight of my otherwise lonely existence. My worry then was how to go from talking to people in the playground to inviting them home for coffee - I never managed to!

Now though, we have moved to a small town. I like it here, but suddenly the people you meet in the school are not the same people you meet at cubs or ballet or in the shops. I have been here 6 months and have scarcely spoken to more than 6 people in that time.

I am so lacking in confidence and personal self-esteem that I tend to avoid eye contact with everyone so I suppose I come across as standoffish or self sufficient, but in fact I am yearning to make friends. Today and yesterday, I tried to talk to two people and both times received no encouragement at all so quickly stopped.

I just don't know what to do to make friends. I know all the usual ways that you might suggest eg going on the PTA, but that has never helped in the past. Dh and I in 11 years of marriage have never held a party of had anyone but family and old friends to dinner. I desperately want to change that.

Just keep talking to people over and over again, ask them about themselves and their children - everyone loves to talk about themselves!

Remind me how old your children are LM and what years they're in?

Could you invite them round saying it is a get together for ds/dd. You could say they have asked to have some friends for tea.

Well that was what astonished me yesterday as the woman I went to talk to had had a baby in the holidays and I went and did the cooing-at-the-baby-sympathetically-asked-after-her-birth-experience-stuff and she would barely answer me! Doesn't everyone talk forever about their babies when someone asks about them? I know I did!

i didn't want to talk to anyone after I had my baby, I was too depressed, I was really rude to people unintentionally

My children are 9, 7, 5, and 2. I am not good at having children round to tea, I admit, although I did say to my two oldest yesterday why not ask some friends round (they didn't - they are shy like me). But anyway, they are too old to have the parents come round too, aren't they?

OK, you have to make a plan and you have to make yourself do it. Once a week, 9 or 7 year olds have someone back for tea. When parent arrives to collect them, ask them in for a coffee/glass of wine. For 5 year old, get hold of a class list and work your way through the list, having kids back for tea (one a week). For 2 year old, either ask parent if child would like to come and play on their own (Mum will probably be delighted) or for them to come too. Again, once a week.

You will have knockbacks, some combinations won't work and sometimes your children won't get invitations back - no matter. Grit your teeth and do it for this term - I would put money on things being a lot easier come January.

They might be too old to have the parents round as well, but I have found that I have naturally made friends with the parents of my dd1's friends as it's easy to get chatting to them when they drop off/pick up. Another thing to try is to find out from your children when new kids start in their classes and then get them to point them out in the playground. As they are new their parents will probably not know anyone either and will therefore be grateful for a friendly face and a chat - you have the advantage as someone who is familiar with the school/teachers already.

also is it possible to organise lift shares to cubs/brownies or to parties? It gives you an excuse to phone and most people are pleased to only do one leg of the journey

Oo-er hold on a minute Flashingnose! That is asking a lot of someone like me! I just want to be able to say hello to people in the playground! That would be an achievement for me! I am the sort of person who finds it hard to even approach someone they don't know in the playground or ring them up to accept a party invite on behalf of my children. (Sorry Cod - I know that was one of your gripes the other day).

I know it can be really hard I have had a similar problem. Sto change the situation I decide to try some new things. Find out if you can help out at a mums and toddlers groups even if it is just serving coffee.

Another suggestion is to get involved in a Macmillan Coffee morning see www.macmillan.org.uk/coffee/

If you can get involved a a volunteer at a charity shop if nothing else it will really boast your confidence to be amongst people and meeting them.
But most of all give it time and give your self praise for whta you have achieved and keep trying

I know that LM and so am I, believe it or not. But I made myself do this because I don't want to spend the whole of my children's time at school feeling miserable and lonely and more importantly, I don't want my children to feel the same way. By doing this you have a reason to speak to people in the playground ("Would x like to come to tea next Wed") rather than sidling up to someone to make smalltalk about the weather which I find much harder. Just a thought.

Just want to say, as a warning to parents of younger children, this gets harder as the children get older. At the moment, most of the parents of the children in my dd's class (she is 5) still come and collect their children, but I don't even recognise more than 3 faces of the parent in my ds's classes as they are now in Year 3 and 5 and the children walk home by themselves. Also, their parents are now at work so are not available for coffee even if I could invite them. Even my dd, having two older brothers, is much more independent than you might imagine. All three could easily walk to school and home again together with no problem (it is only a five minute walk along a stream - no roads to cross). I keep walking them as I know that if I did not, ds3 and I would become completely housebound.

I know this has probably been said before but the best place to make friends is to join something. Like a cookery/pottery night class or an aerobics class in the village hall. Gradually you will start chatting to people and then ove rtime you can suggests meals/drinks out etc

It is hard Lonelymum, but I think that flashingnose has a point. It is easier if you have a reason to talk, and once you have made a connection I find it much easier to then chat. But where there are established friendships it is much harder to join in, not because people mean to be rude, but just because it's difficult to get in the flow. I am very shy socially, but fine at work, where I have to network a lot (and actually quite enjoy it). Ideally you need to have a reason to be talking. So having a birthday party (works better with the little ones), helping at school, inviting around all help. I think that it helps to think of it as a project - today I will talk to two mums, or next week x will invite two friends to tea. I find if I think like that it's less of a knock back if they say no, and after a while you will build up enough people to talk to, and get into the established circle of friends (if that's what you want) or have a couple of friendly faces. Finally if you don't make friends at school it's not the end of the world, as there are better places to make connections - I find that weekend activities where parents are expected to stay and wait are a much better place to make friends, as everyone is a bit bored, and you can always chat about how good x is at doing whatever x is doing (or how bad - sometimes that goes down better!).

If you are naturally introvert it will take a while, but don't give up, in time you will get there!

We moved 18 months ago and the small talk with strangers thing has been disappointing, normally I am kept busy at work (and endlessly arranging childcare to cover same) but STILL feel lonely and inadequate. I thought that by becoming a mum 5 years ago I would magically turn into a different creature-well guess what! same old same old me only demoralised by PND and more hassled. rueful I took a quiz and found I was borderline Aspergers myself (sorry that was me who blanked you when you kindly inquired about new baby-just kidding!) I am told that other people feel shy like you or depressed or p-d off at times too, remember-try again another time?-maybe try to read their expression better from a distance first, I've been advised.

My dd1 just 5 is very sociable unlike me and has chosen some nice friends and with my encouragement asked them come round, their parents seem nice and now I can bring myself to a) recognise them b)say hello and c)invite them to birthdays (birthdays are good ways to get to know parents I found.) The other thing is, why does one have to have numerous friends through the children? Only one or two confidants from any source would help boost your morale, and set a trail of new contacts. What about pursuing your own interests now a bit more-the social discipline of a grownup class or something might do you good, and be fun. And it will give you more to say when cornered. Or get involved with a local group such as netmums.co.uk-offer to be an editor if there isn't a group for your town. You can hide behind your pc and only come out when you're in the mood or something takes your fancy.

Yes I know everyone posting here is right. Sometimes I feel I just need this as a stop gap. I can't do the volunteering things suggested by some as I have ds3 to look after, but when he goes to playgroup every day next year, or maybe when he goes to school the year after, I will be freer to start up my career again, so I am just looking for some company to fill the gap between now and then. But I would like real friendships that would continue beyond that time too.

I don't know. Maybe I am too fussy. The people I spoke to today and yesterday are not even potential friends - I just wanted to talk to them to make links with anyone - but the people I would like to be friends with all seem to be back at work nowadays. You see, although I have ds3 (aged 2) I don't really feel I belong with the parents of other 2 yos. The parents of 9 and 7 yos (my older dss) are all long back at work - where I should be I suppose.

Sorry, just burbling on, thinking things through.

Thanks majorstress for your input. I feel you understand my situation well. I hope to join an evening class tomorrow, but it is all dependent on dh being home to care for the children. He often isn't home all week so I will inevitably miss classes....but that is another gripe!

LM - I think you do yourself down - maybe the woman with the baby had been up all night and was just knackered (or maybe she's as shy as you are). The thing is whenever you do manage to break the ice and speak to someone, keep it up - next time you see them, even if you don't stand and chat, make sure you acknowledge them by saying Hi and smiling.

It will happen, you sound lovely - hope there are some mums like you at our school when DD starts tomorrow , gulp!

Mum2girls the image of mums like me in your playground, all standing alone, not making eye contact, dragging their children home as quickly as possible because they are so embarrassed at being alone does not fill me with hope that you will make friends!

Anyway, I hope your dd's first day goes well.

Lonelymum, honestly, you are precisely the type of person I would approach, much more preferable to a gaggle of mums who all obviously know eachother well.

The thing is, I am really nice when you know me. Does anyone think that? (Shameless attempt to get anyone to say something nice about me!)

LM read my post, I already said it

Lonelymum - are there any mumsnet meetups near you? where are you now (I am sure I have read about your move before but memory like a sieve).
Your first post about plucking up the courage to invite them round for a cuppa and never quite managed it really struck a chord with me.
I find it very hard to invite people over for a cuppa - always find myself doing it through the children IYKWIM - ie. as a playdate and tag on the end a "feel free to stay for a cuppa, if you like..." I must deal with it as soon my DDs will be able to have friends over without their parents chaperoning them and I will be stuck for excuses!
I found that I had to force myself to smile and say hello to people - it is so hard isn?t it? My cheats way is to smile at their child first and say something trivial to them like "ooh, hello Emma - are those new shoes, aren?t they pretty?" kind of thing and then try to draw the parents in with something neutral and probably very dull such as a comment about the price of shoes or how fast they grow out of them etc etc Recently there was a thread on here about people moaning about others dull and stupid remarks - made me totally paranoid as I am that person who says obvious stuff like "hot again today then..." as I lack the confidence to say anything worthwhile not sure whether I should be amused at myself or just depressed!

Stick with it, girl. You are not alone in this one and the only thing for it is perseverence