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Original poster

Lonely in the playground

235 replies

Lonelymum · 06/09/2005 09:30

I am not depressed as such, just feeling sad and couldn't think where else to put this.

Well, this is not a new subject for Mumsnet I know, and I have taken part in quite a few other similar threads in the past, but here I am again, alone and friendless in the school playground and I really feel sad about it.

For anyone who doesn't know, I moved a few months ago from a great village where my children went to the only school in the village. Everyone went there and I knew loads of people. I never went to the school without speaking to half a dozen people twice a day. It was the highlight of my otherwise lonely existence. My worry then was how to go from talking to people in the playground to inviting them home for coffee - I never managed to!

Now though, we have moved to a small town. I like it here, but suddenly the people you meet in the school are not the same people you meet at cubs or ballet or in the shops. I have been here 6 months and have scarcely spoken to more than 6 people in that time.

I am so lacking in confidence and personal self-esteem that I tend to avoid eye contact with everyone so I suppose I come across as standoffish or self sufficient, but in fact I am yearning to make friends. Today and yesterday, I tried to talk to two people and both times received no encouragement at all so quickly stopped.

I just don't know what to do to make friends. I know all the usual ways that you might suggest eg going on the PTA, but that has never helped in the past. Dh and I in 11 years of marriage have never held a party of had anyone but family and old friends to dinner. I desperately want to change that.

OP posts:
Sax · 08/09/2005 16:24

BTW my flippancy to this thread is not meant to upset lonelymum which I believe she knows -

I am exactly the same as her in the unsociable stakes and am following this for my own means as well - however - although LM knows I am not being rude I just want to make sure others know too!!!!!

Now, how did you go LM??????

Original poster
Lonelymum · 08/09/2005 16:26

I didn't get home until 4:05 although school finishes at 3:15 and I live 5 mnutes walk away. Howzat?

I did see the secretary as I discovered from my 5 yo dd that the school are still using my old address despite the fact that I took in a change of address 2.5 months ago! Not terribly organised in that office methinks. Anyway, changed the address, walked out the door and remembered I was supposed to be asking about PTA. Didn't feel like going back so failed on that mission, but then went on to talk to three mums, all mums of children in ds2's class.

Arranged with 1st mum to have 2 brothers back for tea next Thursday (friends of ds1 and ds2).

Walked home with 2nd mum (who became the latest in a long line of people to start the convo with me by saying "Don't you live in Mrs X's house?" (see my post at 2:33 yesterday).

Met one of the mums from the other day who lives nearby and she said "Must have ds2 for tea one day". Not sure how ds2 will feel though as he isn't exactly friends with her son. Still...

I think I did OK.

Jampots how is it that you are at a new school but still meeting people you know? You have obviously not moved house or have you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lonelymum · 08/09/2005 16:28

Oh thanks Sax. No definitely not the last to leave but I am telling you, there are some people who seem to live in that playground, and I really do have other things to do than sit there all evening. I dond't sit at the computer as much as it might appear. It is just on and I come on for a quick read/post as I go by. Off to check on the washing....

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jampots · 08/09/2005 16:31

WOW Lm - excellent news! Doesnt matter that ds doesnt like her kid - its not about him

I havent moved house just school so there are a couple. But the school is twice the size of our last one so in theory it would be like me only knowing 3 people

Also it did occur to me, if I stood on my own at our last school it didnt bother me - in fact I quite liked it sometimes. I think we maybe feel more self-conscious if we are new.

Where are you from LM? (just in case you're at my school)

jampots · 08/09/2005 16:34

actually LM - i'll discount the people I already know, and we'll compare "new friends" on a weekly basis. Lets each opt for 1 a week until we know everyone and have to send our dh's to school just because we dont have time to talk to everyone

Original poster
Lonelymum · 08/09/2005 16:34

No I am near Bristol. I don't think you are around here are you?

OP posts:
jampots · 08/09/2005 16:36

nope - Midlands

I have a friend in Bristol though - St Andrews?

Original poster
Lonelymum · 08/09/2005 16:39

I would be content with one or two good friends, and a few more acquaintances, plus two or three regular friends for each of my children!

The funny things is, I am sad not to have friends and a social life, but I would not want to be totally engaged in social activities. Apart from anything else, I want to go back to work one day! Imagine if I had so many friends I didn't go back to work!

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Original poster
Lonelymum · 08/09/2005 16:39

Don't know St Andrews. I used to live in Rugby though.

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jampots · 08/09/2005 16:46

actually that was someone else who lived in st andrews. My pal lives in Clifton (I think) - obviously I am a very good friend

flashingnose · 08/09/2005 17:33

Well done LM .

cod · 08/09/2005 17:35

Message withdrawn

cod · 08/09/2005 17:35

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cod · 08/09/2005 17:38

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Passionflower · 08/09/2005 17:55

Well done Lm! Keep up the good work.

DD1 has a new girl in class this term, and reading your thread has made me realise just how impenetrable we must seem in the playground.

Confess haven't spoken to her mum yet tho cause two ladies have dropped her off and we can't decide which one is mum and which is nanny! Got this one wrong when DD started school last year with another classmate. Nearly died of embaressment. Gosh I seem to make these mistakes rather a lot.

Sax · 08/09/2005 18:07

My goodness, theres a first, Cod bowing, relish in the moment loneymum LOL

You did mega lets hope you chose the right ones to talk to and now aren't stuck with some nightmares. I'm sure you did, I trust your judgement, you talk to me afterall - even if it is only on pc and you moved away (how dare u)

Tc Lm

Sax xxx

Original poster
Lonelymum · 08/09/2005 19:42

Got a feeling that bow is a bit ironic Sax! But maybe not. Just been reading the Where's Titania thread? and it is such a bun fight, I think I shall have to tread carefully even here.

Passionflower, perhaps you could go and talk to whoever you see next- mum or nanny, it doesn't really matter does it? I think I am still smouldering a bit because I thought people would be all over me, an interesting newbie. I have seen new people at my kids' old school almost having to fight off the approaches. But instead, I got nothing. Still, not one to hold grudges, at least I am getting some contact now.

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AuntyQuated · 09/09/2005 13:02

i have followed this thread but not yet added to it.
but it has made me think a lot.
i always talk to the same people at school, but yesterday i was a little early and went to speak to someone who is, more often thatn not, on her own. just started wioth a comment about being early by accident and she told me she was always early because of the time she finishes work. we chatted until the kids came out and we had to head to different doors.
you do tend to stick with who you know as it is easiest but this has made me think that may be we all ought to make more effort.

how did it go this morning LM?

Original poster
Lonelymum · 09/09/2005 13:06

Another long conversation with one of my neighbours - one I thought might look down on me as I am not quite as well presented as she is. I have had so much contact this week, I might give myself a break this pm. Dd has a party to go to after school so could do with getting on. (Not Mumsnetting for a change!)

You know, I will feel really good if the result of this thread is that some established people start talking to people on their own a bit more.

OP posts:
AuntyQuated · 09/09/2005 13:08

LM no total break allowed. you still have to say hello to a few folk. keep looking a nd smiling.

Original poster
Lonelymum · 09/09/2005 13:16

Oh no really? It is tiring being sociable!

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Aimsmum · 09/09/2005 13:28

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Lonelymum · 09/09/2005 13:40

Groan!! That is exactly the type I would attract Aimsmum. Does everyone start off being friendly and sympathetic and then gradually realise they are never going to get rid of him so end up being vague and distant? Then when they see him again, they rush to talk to complete strangers to avoid having to speak to him?

OP posts:
Aimsmum · 09/09/2005 13:45

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Lonelymum · 09/09/2005 13:51

It is different when you all start out together though. You share worries and feelings more. I was a bit shy wih the parents when ds1 started but got there in the end, I was very sociable with ds2's parents as I knew many already, and I didn't bother with dd's parents as school was old hat by then and I had other friends to talk to. It only really fell flat when I moved schools.

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