Lonely in the playground

[Lonelymum]

I am not depressed as such, just feeling sad and couldn't think where else to put this.

Well, this is not a new subject for Mumsnet I know, and I have taken part in quite a few other similar threads in the past, but here I am again, alone and friendless in the school playground and I really feel sad about it.

For anyone who doesn't know, I moved a few months ago from a great village where my children went to the only school in the village. Everyone went there and I knew loads of people. I never went to the school without speaking to half a dozen people twice a day. It was the highlight of my otherwise lonely existence. My worry then was how to go from talking to people in the playground to inviting them home for coffee - I never managed to!

Now though, we have moved to a small town. I like it here, but suddenly the people you meet in the school are not the same people you meet at cubs or ballet or in the shops. I have been here 6 months and have scarcely spoken to more than 6 people in that time.

I am so lacking in confidence and personal self-esteem that I tend to avoid eye contact with everyone so I suppose I come across as standoffish or self sufficient, but in fact I am yearning to make friends. Today and yesterday, I tried to talk to two people and both times received no encouragement at all so quickly stopped.

I just don't know what to do to make friends. I know all the usual ways that you might suggest eg going on the PTA, but that has never helped in the past. Dh and I in 11 years of marriage have never held a party of had anyone but family and old friends to dinner. I desperately want to change that.

i too aq have talked to unusual poeple

I want friends too. I used to have loads in London, quite a few of them close friends. Being part of the workforce helps.
I think the more kids I've had, the less time is left to spend on my friends. I also want to have and enjoy good friends as an example to my kids.

You're doing really well LM. I'm amazed you say you're shy. Your posts are so eloquent and fair. You seem to be such a decent person and I, for one, am really quite partial to you.

I think we all feel a little lonely at times, and if it doesn't sound too pompous (which it does) here's an excerpt from the Tao Te Ching ...

Other people are joyful,
As if enjoying a banquet,
As if climbing up to a terrace in spring.
I alone am inactive and uninvolved,
Like an infant still unable to smile,
Unattached like one with no place to go.
Other people are affluent.
I alone have nothing.
I am foolish and confused.
Ordinary people are bright.
I am dull.
Ordinary people are clever and self-assured.
I am dismal and subdued.
I am formless like the ocean,
I am shapeless and unbounded.
Other people pursue a goal.
I alone am mulish and awkward.
My desiers alone differ from other people's.
I am sustained by the mother.

our school has recently amalgamated with another and the children have come onto 'our' site; there is still(it happened at easter) a definaite them and us feel to it. will make more effort.

I have been following this thread and just wanted to mention an exercise we did when I was at school, which is sort of relevant, and which really made an impression on me.

A theatre group (I think) came in and the whole year group was in the main hall. We were all told to form groups of ten. Everyone rushed to their friends and formed groups and anyone who was not in a group was out of the game, Then we were told to form groups of nine and again people were whittled down. It carried on like this until there were only two people left and basically the message was that it's good to be open and inclusive and if you exclude people you will find yourself all alone.

So I think, in situations like at the school gates, where groups have already been established, people should make an effort to welcome new people.

I do appreciate all support here. You all seem such nice people, I wish you were in my playground! Still, all the horrid people are the ones who are secretly reading this and thinking "What a pathetic woman!" There are bound to be some!

I can't really explain my shyness as I am not quite what you might think of as shy. I have always been afraid of speaking to unknown people and I still avoid using the phone if possible and get my dh to ask for things in shops etc and don't like to answer the door, things like that. Plus, I can't go up to strangers in a playground and start talking to them!

But I am not mousey or unforthcoming when I am speaking to someone. I have a loud voice and a confident air in situations I am comfortable in. When I worked as a primary school teacher, I was positively commanding! I talk openly to anyone who starts a conversation, but I am no good when the topics don't flow well. I am not the sort who would be walked all over, like some shy people I know.

Anyway, it is very flattering to have Spidermama say she is partial to me and I know there are others out there with equally nice things to say, so thank you.

BTW, I spoke to one of my neighbours again today this pm on the way to school, but I broke away from her (as I think Cod suggested doing a few days back) so I wouldn't appear needy and went to pick up dd. Then I am afraid we do all go home as I felt I had done enough for this week.

at least you spoke to someone LM. i just did the usual ones tonight, altho did walk up with someone different.

Lonelymum, your definition of shy sums me up precisely, nobody ever thinks of me as shy and I can pretend very well, but I do all the things you say- like I hate using the phone, DH asks for stuff in shops (or at least he used to- I had to learn when he got ill)

We moved in June. This town is so much better for the kids than where we lived but yes, I am lonely, that's why I am on here so much! I go to WeightWatchers, that has helped as I get out but altho I chat there, the friendships are situational IYKWIM, they don't follow me home, i don't even know their names TBH.

Luckily, the Mums here are friendly and do chat, but they have all known each other since they were kids so I feel very much an outsider. My best friend was another Mum at the last school, and I miss that so badly.

Fortunately I start Uni soon. It may be difficult to make friends- the residential students start before me and will already have their groups, plus I can't see any mature student groups which is a shame- but I will try. Last year I was at college, and altho the youngsters were hard to get to know as they did write me off a bit, by the end we were all v close.

All my friends in Somerset were ones I ahd made as a child. I really miss that.

Well if you hadn't bloody moved woman i could have been in your playground LOL.

I know what you mean about being confident in situation you feel comfortable in - i'm the same and ppl are very surprised when I say i'm shy! I do not appear shy in any shape or form when like you say you are 'comfortable' in situations!!!!

Get back down here and we'll be real mates!!!! oh well not really possible so i'll just say yeah you've done mega this week - well done, now rest your mouth now really for more of the dreaded smiling which maybe required next week!

Speak to you soon

Sax xx

How's the smiling going lonelymum?

Yes, with ds1 having started I am now in same position however I have failed miserably over past two days and I even resorted to the very unsociable habit of putting in personal stereo in ears lol for exit from school - aren't i bad?

So, are you now mrs popular without a minute to yourself - do tell?!

Hope you are ok and I still say 'if you hadn't moved' lol and all that!

Take care

Sax xx

No Sax, I went to three meetings this week: one for Year 1 parents, one for Year 3 parents and one about the puberty lessons ds1 will be having this term (basically Year 5 parents). At the year 1 meeting one person spoke to me but no-one did at the Year 3 and puberty meetings. I have the Year 5 meeting next week.

I can't believe it actually. At the old school, everyone knew the other parents in the class (they didn't usually change much from year to year) so anyone new would have been noted and spoken to by someone at least - maybe by 2 or 3 people. Here, no-one seems to give a bggr. They don't look my type anyway!

But I walked to school with one of my neighbours so I am not as badly off as I was. I just think that as a whole, the community isn't as strong here as it was in my old home. they think they are, bu they haven't a clue.

Hey, but don't leave it too late before talking to someone Sax. It gets much harder after a few weeks or months. Please don't take the personal stereo. That isn't necessary is it?