Lonely in the playground

[Lonelymum]

I am not depressed as such, just feeling sad and couldn't think where else to put this.

Well, this is not a new subject for Mumsnet I know, and I have taken part in quite a few other similar threads in the past, but here I am again, alone and friendless in the school playground and I really feel sad about it.

For anyone who doesn't know, I moved a few months ago from a great village where my children went to the only school in the village. Everyone went there and I knew loads of people. I never went to the school without speaking to half a dozen people twice a day. It was the highlight of my otherwise lonely existence. My worry then was how to go from talking to people in the playground to inviting them home for coffee - I never managed to!

Now though, we have moved to a small town. I like it here, but suddenly the people you meet in the school are not the same people you meet at cubs or ballet or in the shops. I have been here 6 months and have scarcely spoken to more than 6 people in that time.

I am so lacking in confidence and personal self-esteem that I tend to avoid eye contact with everyone so I suppose I come across as standoffish or self sufficient, but in fact I am yearning to make friends. Today and yesterday, I tried to talk to two people and both times received no encouragement at all so quickly stopped.

I just don't know what to do to make friends. I know all the usual ways that you might suggest eg going on the PTA, but that has never helped in the past. Dh and I in 11 years of marriage have never held a party of had anyone but family and old friends to dinner. I desperately want to change that.

I'm bored by them too Lonelymum - but I went to them to meet new friends - took some doing, but it worked for me - you just have to meet a lot of people until you find the ones on your wavelength

OK, don't do M&T groups if they're not your bag but what about my suggestion? I know you don't want to, but you also don't want to feel the way you're feeling ATM either. Nothing is going to happen by itself if you don't make eye contact and leg it out of the playground straight away, that's for certain.

I apologise if I sound brusque, but this was the conversation I had to have with myself, realising that the only person that could make things better/different was me. I read something years ago that has stayed with me and I still use it to chivvy me along on bad days - the most self-centred people in the world are shy people.

Good luck LM - make it your business to know who all the children are in each of your children's classes and then ask them round. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain .

lonelymum you could be me

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Oh crap, i justhad to be nosy and click on the link didn't I

Just wanted to say LM that I really feel for you. I love the school run as I am alot like you and it's the only time virtually that I get any adult conversation as I am too shy to make friends elsewhere.
If I had to move to a new place like you, and make new friends then I would also find it extremely hard.

But how do I find out who they are Flashingnose?

At the other school, I knew everyone in ds1's class because I did some supply teaching there and, well, there weren't too many anyway, and the parents were friendly and we were all there from the beginning together.

Ds2, I knew everyone in his year group apart from one or two girls because he had known many of them at playgroup, and he was very gregarious and must have been invited to every party going that year.

Dd, I knew less because our move was on the cards at that time and it was harder to make the effort. Still, if she had stayed there, I would have known them all by now.

But here, how do I get to know who they are? I don't even know when the children walk out the door and go their separate ways who is in my children's year groups! At the other school, the children came out of lots of different entrances but here it is all out of the same one for juniors and I am not there anyway as I have to wait outside the infant entrance for dd.

The older children are often not collected by parents anymore.

They don't even do class assemblies or have parents evenings which was where I used to see some parents who you wouldn't see at any other time (because they were working).

Love the link cod! I could tell from Nutty's reaction what it was, but I clicked on it anyway just to have a laugh. It is great just to share an in-joke.

What am I scared of? The big R of course - Rejection. I have suffered some cruel and spiteful rejections in the past that make my blood boil and my eyes prick just to remember them. hey, I wasn't always this social pariah you know. It takes some complete bitches in this world to turn things sour for some of us.

I think you either have to get involved with the school again somehow (hard with toddler in tow), or move on to a new focus. What is YOUR night class about, if that's not too nosy? Definitely ask for a class list there, or just hand round a sheet of paper asking for name and phone numbers-take it and offer to get it copied for the class-no one will be surprised and there you have a great resource. If you want an excuse, say you might not always make it if dh is late, and would like to be able to keep up/find out what you missed.

Nothing started yet, but it is enrollment night tomorrow and I want to learn Italin, God help me! I was quite good at languages at school (French and German) but was terrified of talking in a foreign language so have forgotten them now.

you are not a social pariah. repeat after me...forget the people who wronged you-do you think they spend even a millisecond thinking about those incidents? so why should you? as soon as you notice those thoughts arising, think of or do something else right away, call an old friend, or how about an old relative who would love a natter. That could turn the bad energy you are wasting into a Good Thing. Help someone else to divert your energy. It doesn't work right away, you have to train yourself to be positive, but it does come easier and easier.

Am rushing out the door, so will come back to this but have the following ideas:

Two oldest children each pick 4 or 5 children from their class that they like. You then either phone their Mums from the class list and ask the child back for tea or you put a note in their bag via the class teacher. Parent comes to collect child, small chat or cup of tea, next time you see them, nod and smile. Bingo.

Youngest child at school - easier because you see them come out. Get her to point out each child to you and again, ask them back for tea.

One morning a week, put littlest into a nursery/creche/childminders and go into school to help in your children's classes. If childcare is not an option, ask DH to take a morning off every few weeks so you can go in.

And smile smile smile. We've all had encounters with bitches from Hell but you must try not to dwell on them - they truly are not worth the headspace.

oooh, I tried to do Italian, it was lovely but my teacher ended up begging me to stop saying, non lo so (I don't know) to everything. It's hard work-just the ticket! maybe I still ahve some textbooks-somewhere???

Just being on Mumsnet is a therapy in a way. I force myself to take part in chats here. Pushing my way into the cliques that some claim don't exist here (though of course they do) takes some guts. I still sneakily think people don't like me here. It astonishes me when people volunteer that they do - that is not a cue for more soft soap please!

I know I just have to take that on into Real Life.

hi ll is there a surestart near you,i am same as you in many ways,when my ds was 9 months old we moved to a new area and i found surestart,it changed my life,i started by going to mother & toddler group then i did lots of differant courses.ie cooking on a budgit art & crafts first aid just to nane a few.then i helped to start a parents forum,it,s a great way to make friends

MS, no offence but I am hoping not to get into text books. I want to learn to speak the language, I am not into learning the grammar IYKWIM. Is it really hard then? It seemed quite easy to me when I went to Rome - lots of words you can work out from your knowledge of French or Latin.

Lonelymum, you meet good and bad people everywhere, don't let that put you off finding new friends...
I have made an excellent friend through Netmums.co.uk, they have regional "meet a mum" boards that you can narrow down in your initial posting. If you feel more confident over the internet (and you do come across that way, and as a very nice person who anyone would like to have as a friend) then you can start off by emailing regularly to break the ice and then meet up if you feel you have something in common...really can't hurt to try!

LM, I was only trying to do conversation too, they were little paperbacks and I think a tape about ordering coffees! The pronounciation and words seemed pretty easy, but my teacher was inexperienced and expected too much of us in the grammar, it's a little different I guess from English.

It was really fun and enjoyable, and most Italians I met seem pleased you are trying, unlike some nationalities.

Yes and I would use Italian unlike some languages! I love the Italians.

LL, I have tried Netmums before and got nowhere, but perhaps I will try them again. I really just want to know the people at my children's school though.

LM, just a thought, on the Netmums board could you post something along the lines of "particularly interested in meeting Moms with children at XYZ school"....could be worth a try if you don't meet any nice friendly ones the "natural" way!

Ooh - LM you could be me! (Apart from 3 of your kids, I only have one) I just don't do small talk, find it physically impossible. There are people at DD's nursery I say Hello to (literally just that!) For some bizarre reason it never occurs to me to say 'Hot today isn't it?' or any trivia like that. As a result people think I'm standoffish.

I'm not keen on M&T groups where everyone just mills around and you have to pick on someone to chat to, I find it excrutiating. I did go to a Steiner group which I loved though. They get all the adults to sit round a table doing a 'craft activity' while the kiddies play. It sounds awful but I found it useful because it forces the adults together and gives you something to talk about. Sadly the group shut down after a few weeks but I'm trying to find another one locally.

I'm also going to be getting on the evening class merry go round soon. Again, I find it easier when I've got something to talk about rather than plucking small talk out of the air.

Hope you manage to make some progress. Pity all the shy MNers can't meet up and sit silently in a room together!

Ive met two ladies through netmums - worth trying again - there are ppl joining up all the time over there.

Im exactly the same as you. Im no good at making friends, making small talk etc etc. I made the effort to meet up because i felt i was letting my daughter down by not mixing with other people and their kids. I really dont want her to end up shy and scared to talk to people like i am.

Oddly enough, in my work I have absolutely no problems talking to anyone i dont know. dont know why that is.

Well Lizzylou, you can be proud of me. I have posted a message on the Meet a Mum board on Netmums. They don't recommend naming your child's school for security reasons which is fine as I don't want everyone knowing too much about me. I don't really understand Netmums that well. I really want to communicate with people first rather than launch into meeting them so I hope that is OK.

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