Lonely in the playground

[Lonelymum]

I am not depressed as such, just feeling sad and couldn't think where else to put this.

Well, this is not a new subject for Mumsnet I know, and I have taken part in quite a few other similar threads in the past, but here I am again, alone and friendless in the school playground and I really feel sad about it.

For anyone who doesn't know, I moved a few months ago from a great village where my children went to the only school in the village. Everyone went there and I knew loads of people. I never went to the school without speaking to half a dozen people twice a day. It was the highlight of my otherwise lonely existence. My worry then was how to go from talking to people in the playground to inviting them home for coffee - I never managed to!

Now though, we have moved to a small town. I like it here, but suddenly the people you meet in the school are not the same people you meet at cubs or ballet or in the shops. I have been here 6 months and have scarcely spoken to more than 6 people in that time.

I am so lacking in confidence and personal self-esteem that I tend to avoid eye contact with everyone so I suppose I come across as standoffish or self sufficient, but in fact I am yearning to make friends. Today and yesterday, I tried to talk to two people and both times received no encouragement at all so quickly stopped.

I just don't know what to do to make friends. I know all the usual ways that you might suggest eg going on the PTA, but that has never helped in the past. Dh and I in 11 years of marriage have never held a party of had anyone but family and old friends to dinner. I desperately want to change that.

I'm like cod wrt to names and will be really blatent and ask outright for it if I need to. I don't gen have a prob with names alothough there are some notable exceptions....

One dad at school is Mark but he lives near a friend of ours called Andy and I made the wrong connection in my brain and when I put together the two class lists for our year group with all parents' nmes on I married his wife off to our friend and snet it out to 44 sets of parents......

Thank godness, worried that I'd have to try think of another name!

Another thought, how's your DH on the shyness front. I'm basically a shy person but have had to change cause my DH is the complete opposite. We live on an island, I've been here all my life and hardly know anyone compared to him. Could he arrange some joint dinner dates out with couples he knows? It's much easier to make friends after a bottle of wine.

Funny you should ask about dh. When I met him, I thought he was the kind of person who could talk to anyone about anything. I think he had a very polished upbringing and was very used to socialising and small talk. But actually, he is nothing like as open as me (I am very open once I get started) and he actually thinks he is borderline aspergers - he is a typical Australian male and a typical engineer - he doesn't really empathise at all. Because he works, he doesn't miss contact with other adults like I do. He has work colleagues and he is content with that it seems. He doesn't have much free time and of course, having children has meant what time he has should really be spent with them.

If I have to be honest, I am a bit disappointed with the way dh has turned out in this respect. I thought he would be bringing people home but he hasn't since our eldest child was about one.

I just wanted to add my 'Well Done' to you as well, it is very hard plucking up the courage to speak to a complete stranger.

I'm sending you plenty of be strong vibes for this morning and afternoon in the play ground and hope that you are able to chat to a couple more people.

I would suggest that you do at least make sure that you say Hi to the 2 ladies you spoke to yesterday, you don't have to have a full blown conversation just say Hi and smile to them.

Good Luck and hope it's onwards and upwards for you.

H x

Hi LM - hope your morning has been fine - have you achieved the smile and breezy hello?

I was thinking about how I met some mums whose children go to the same school as mine - I went swimming with my little ones; it was a positive thing to be doing for them and an opportunity to meet and chat to other mums doing the same thing.

Have you got a local pool, is there a particular time for mums and tots? Have to say I generally went at times convenient to me rather than any 'group sessions' but you could explore this.

Said hello to second woman I met yesterday and also a hello to another neighbour (older woman) but I think she is avoiding me after I resisted her offer to go to church with her .

Yes, I should do the swimming things with ds3 although I found when I went with my other children that I never spoke to a soul.

Message withdrawn

Just caught up with this...well done you, Lonelymum!

Don't worry about chruch woman, if she doesn't want to know you cause you're not a church goer she's not worth knowing anyway. Not a very christian attitude IMO.

Be strong, and hope the pm school run goes ok for you.

Big hug!

Swimming at a regular time has been good for us too, when they are in lessons the other parents often can sit around and get chatting after a few weeks, and my dd1 has picked up some new frineds too. I wouldn't worry about the church woman, either, but just to say maybe SHE'S shy too, and now worried that you think badly of her for inviting you? Like, reverse discrimination. Some people seem to be afraid to admit their beliefs and affiliations-not everyone is trying to force them on others, but they want to share as they get enjoyment from having a community of like-minded souls (and in some places a break from the kids as they are otherwise occupied). My daughter made us go, and now I enjoy thinking my own thoughts in peace for an hour most weeks, while she makes something with a teacher. I am an atheist by the way and make no bones about it. But chances are that woman is a prosetlysing nutcase!
When you find a way to be content with yourself, others might be drawn to you!

I know the church woman means well. She is one of several who go round the schools and takes assemblies. She went to my children's school the day she first knocked on my door and introduced herself, although their school is not a church one. I don't mind, it is just that I made it plain we were RC if anything, but she still stuck flirs through my door suggesting I went to the events advertised with her.

Trouble is, our house was previously owned by very strong church goers and 2 high proflie teachers and everyone seemed to know where they lived so everywhere I go (even in Cornwall on holiday believe it or not!) I meet people who, when they find out where I live, say "Oh Mr/Mrs X's house: I have been there for garden parties" or whatever. I keep saying "No, it is not Mrs X's house, it is mine!"

She stuck fliers through my door

Hey u lonelymum,

Sorry i've only just seen this and haven't read all the responses it would take me forever being dyslexic

However, you know me - exactly the same so probably no help here whatsoever lol. But, however much you will probably shoot me down in flames one thing i am going to try (please don't be cross with me ) is the simple thing with the help of my sunnies of

wait for it

drum rollllllllllll

yes i am going to try

SMILING YEAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

How about it, we could do it together???????? I tell you what, I so wish you hadn't moved, we really could have been the grouches together and it would have been lots of fun taking the P* of others who like you say just love to talk about themselves LOL

Anyway, take care lonelymum and hope to catch you online soon.

Sax xxxxxxxxxxx oh god not smiling again

Well you can try it Sax and let me know how you get on. I am not smiling at you because you ignore my msn messages!

Couldn't be fagged today - just as well Cod set me no homework. I just did the usual thing, got there last minute, stood on my own, fumed when the teacher was late and when ds came out and instantly began bossing dd around, and stormed off pronto rather than hanging about making playdates for my kids. They have each other.

Try again tomorrow LM.

Yeah sorry, let myself down today.

I sympathise so much LM - I was in exactly your position this time last year. But the thing is, I really like my own company and I like spending time on my own with the children so I wasn't looking for loads of friends for either me or the kids. I'm happy with a coffee with someone once a week and the children having one friend each to play (or to go to someone's house). It was excrutiating to start with but a year on, I can walk up to a fair few people now in the playground for a chat. Somedays I still stand by myself but that's fine.

BTW sax really has hit the nail on the head - would you rush to speak to someone who didn't smile or make eye contact?

Never mind LM, some days you just don't feel like being sociable and the last you want to do is chit chat....at least thats my excuse!!!

No I wouldn't.

And what you describe is all I want to achieve too. A coffee a wee would be great. Not even sure I even want each of my children having someone round for tea as often as once a week, given I have 4 of my own and they play with each other. Actually, they have a neighbour's child round right now - all 4 are playing with her. I forget her as she doesn't go to their school and only comes round on an informal basis ie she is not staying for tea. So you see they do get social contact outside school.

A coffee a wee? No I mean a coffee a week!

So go for it . I'm holding your hand virtually. And you will get knockbacks and you will have bad days but you will also get to meet some really lovely people and their children.

Had another thought - volunteer to be class rep for one of your children's classes (preferably the youngest one) then you have to talk to people (plus you have a reason to as well which makes it easier). What about organising a rota amongst the parents to help with something like cooking?

Well, up until nw, I have had no time to go into school as I have ds3 at home, but next week he goes to playgroup 2 afternoons a week, and I have already told my boys to tell the music teacher I am available to help with music groups. That comes more from frustration amongst my children more than anything else: they aren't learning the recorder fast enough to suit them so I thought offering to do a recorder group might help. I will probably get a knock back there though as there is alreay a recorder teacher.

But you might not. Less Eeyore, more Tigger .

Ah but Tigger annoys me whereas Eeyore has always been my favourite character!

Oh no lonelymum, I don't intentionally ignore your msn messages i promise - gosh you know me better than that, everytime i go to answer you've gone so i guess they've been there a while, i do forget to change my status quite a bit

I am truely sorry and i promise next time you are on i will do my best to answer, if you haven't blocked me that is LOL. (oops don't do laughing)