Lonely in the playground

[Lonelymum]

I am not depressed as such, just feeling sad and couldn't think where else to put this.

Well, this is not a new subject for Mumsnet I know, and I have taken part in quite a few other similar threads in the past, but here I am again, alone and friendless in the school playground and I really feel sad about it.

For anyone who doesn't know, I moved a few months ago from a great village where my children went to the only school in the village. Everyone went there and I knew loads of people. I never went to the school without speaking to half a dozen people twice a day. It was the highlight of my otherwise lonely existence. My worry then was how to go from talking to people in the playground to inviting them home for coffee - I never managed to!

Now though, we have moved to a small town. I like it here, but suddenly the people you meet in the school are not the same people you meet at cubs or ballet or in the shops. I have been here 6 months and have scarcely spoken to more than 6 people in that time.

I am so lacking in confidence and personal self-esteem that I tend to avoid eye contact with everyone so I suppose I come across as standoffish or self sufficient, but in fact I am yearning to make friends. Today and yesterday, I tried to talk to two people and both times received no encouragement at all so quickly stopped.

I just don't know what to do to make friends. I know all the usual ways that you might suggest eg going on the PTA, but that has never helped in the past. Dh and I in 11 years of marriage have never held a party of had anyone but family and old friends to dinner. I desperately want to change that.

LM, remind dh about your class (more than once)and how important it is for you to not miss it especially this week. If you make it, look out for someone who looks friendly and outgoing themselves, or approaches you first if poss, to sit by or ask questions. That was a major disappointment for me too that all my old friends, who I was copying in having kids as they looked like it was so much fun (huh?), promptly scuttled off to work as soon as I went on maternity leave. It was the worst experience of my life having dd1 and then being abandoned at home for months by everyone, and having all my local efforts spurned as a newcomer. And I have lost touch with them more and more as it is so hard to go anywhere, or even phone or email in peace, with the ever-busier dh and 2 little kids- of course the (ex?)friends have dispersed all over the world as well. It is easy to make friends at school, college and in your early 20's, they and you have nothing else to do, and you take it for granted. It takes more and more effort - and maintaining new friendships is something else that takes time you may not have anymore.

Course we do! You sound lovely.

I'm a bit shy, but not so bad as you I can force myself to bite the bullet so to speak.

Last summer I had to organise my DD1's fourth b'day pty. She was starting school that sept and I hardly knew any of the other kids parents cause they had mostly all been to pre-prep together and DD had been at a different one. Luckily the school had organised a list of contact details for the whole class so I just phoned everyone up and asked them. I had some fantastic chats on the phone and have made some really good friends.

Perhaps you could suggest making up a contact list for your kids classes, then you have an excuse to talk to everyone and afterward the list. Mine is a complete life saver.

I think it's really important to get to know the other parents. When the kids are all older and wanting sleepovers and parties you will find it much easier if you know the people that they are staying with. I wouldn't ever let my girls stay at the home of someone I didn't know well.

Agree, contact lists are a lifesaver.

basketcase, I am near Bristol. No meet ups arranged yet but I do keep my eye on the meet up board. And no, I am not initiating it!

My trouble is, carrying on from what you said, is that I don't even know the names of the children! My boys have been on a couple of playdates and they have had one boy back and my dd has been to a few parties and one playdate, but I couldn't definitely identify one child at their school! Hopeless, aren't I?

majorstress, I used to be really good at making friends when I was at school. My group of friends were all centred around me. It all began to fall apart when I went to sixth form college so that now, I have made only three or four lasting friends since those days (over 20 years ago!) What a dreadful thought. Also, like you, a lot of my old friends have disappeared. So sad really.

There isn't a smiley icon which mnetters can use to encourage others or one to show that we've read the threads and symapathise but don't know what to write at the time - but if there was one to represent each of thes thoughts, I'd be sending them to you now lonely mum. Chin up and work on the smile and eye contact. Its a start.

that contact list idea is great, i would have loved that last year (and this!) but they might object to giving out the children's addresses, for safety reasons.
the reason I suggest looking out for someone friendly at the class, is that the only person who approached me while on my PND-maternity leave (to invite me to come along with her to a weaning talk) is still in touch by email, she is just one of those gregarious sorts, but of course has moved to Norway, but she helped me meet and chat a bit to others-that is the sort of friend who you need now. Not another lonelymum.

Message withdrawn

What for ggglimpopo? I don't have a baby anymore.

Message withdrawn

Sorry?

Message withdrawn

no she doesn't have a 2 year old. but I do.

sorry she does I stand corrected

Agree Lonelymum, get into some Mother and Toddler groups with your 2 year old....great places to meet other Moms and give yourself a rest whilst DS runs wild for a couple of hours!

I found some good and some not so good, if there is more than one running in the area try several before writing them off. Also they have good and bad weeks for friendliness.

Hi Lonelymum - -I've just had my lunch, pondering about your situation and came back and found ggglimpopo has just said what I was going to say re using your toddler.

and try asking other mums at the school gate with a toddler if they can recommend any activities/groups - play the we've recently moved her and I'm finding my feet card.

moved here not her

how is the new house by the way?

New house is lovely thanks, although a complete mess and will be for about 10 years (or until I move out!)

I hate M&T groups. Is it because I am too old for them? Is it because I hate babies and toddlers (apart from my own of course)? Is it because I am completely at a loss to know what to say to anyone? I mean, if the chat was as it is here on Mumsnet, that would be fine (although even here I sometimes struggle to find a thread I want to contribute to) but M&T groups aren't like that are they?

Oh all right. I went to one ages ago and haven't been back. Well now I would feel silly going back and explaining why they haven't seen me for months, but I could try another I suppose...

I found that you have to persevere with this groups etc can take weeks to get to know people - if you go back to the one you went to, surely it's a good opening gambit if anyone actually speaks to you and says where have you been.

Your answer is that I've been so busy trying to sort out the new house/ we've been away/ school hols - older children to look after or anything along those lines.

Persevere LM, I had to and now have a few people who I can chat easily with...it is hard going, but you may find your toddler does much of the icebreaking for you!

if you don't like M&T, what about 'storytime' at the library or any local soft play/ playgrounds? The more you are out and about the more chance of some idle chat

I tried really hard on the old MnT, and they change so fast and so many people are irregulars that no one will remember you anyway LM, let alone wonder where you've been! It's pretty anonymous. Listened to way too many discussions about Atkins diet (not my cup of tea). I finally found one I liked and have some good memories of craft and singsong fun there with my older girl, though no friends. The dds PREVENTED (and still do) me from speaking to anyone with any sense. It wasn't really worth the trouble but there was nothing else to do in the area. The library storytime could be good. Personally I would try to get away from little kid things, I am bored with all that now I have an older one, and the younger one couldn't care less what exactly we do. Put in a leisure centre creche for a play with other kids, and get some exercise for yourself, that will boost you too and you might get chatting to someone esp if it's a class.

Glad you said it for me Majorstress, I too am bored by litle children activities. That doesn't mean I won't go and try something again though, as I know you Mners have the right idea, but I never liked M&T groups when I had ds1 as a toddler (and I went every week for months and still didn't make freinds with anyone). Well, that was 9 years ago, so I am well and truly ready to move on now!