Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

And OP change your name. You are not an awful daughter. I'm sure your brother does not label himself awful son.
Call yourself something like
Won'tbeadoormat
Don'tthinkyoucanbullyme
Independent woman

He's literally telling you that he sees you as a carer, for your parents, for his parents and then no doubt him.
You own your own property outright? Never give that up. Having a secure home of your own is priceless. Tell him he can buy somewhere with his parents and care for them himself.

So he wants you to be carer for all four parents - and, perhaps, in time, him. Oh, and pay for most of it, probably. Move in with him and his parents and you'll soon find that they "can't" cover their share of the latest bill or there's never food in unless you buy it, etc.

Does he have siblings? Is he trying to cut them out of inheritance - he and the parents co-own a house, so when they die, it's his?

Even if you were both orphans, "terrible with money" is reason enough to not live with him, ever.

Be prepared: when he realises you really aren't going to be his nurse with a purse, he might go looking for someone dafter who will. (Form an orderly queue, ladies).

No, just no.
You have done so well setting up boundaries with your parents so please do not entertain this daft suggestion. "so how would this benefit me darling? I don't need your parents closer as I won't be helping out with them".

Why do you even need to be part of the arrangement?

Nothing to stop him buying in with his parents.

Or is it a less attractive prospect for him if he can’t take advantage of a woman with housing equity, financial management skills and existing caring responsibilities?

Absolutely bloody not. You’ll be everyone’s carer and lose your financial independence and peaceful home. Stick to your guns

@Awfuldaughter Firstly, you are not an Awfuldaughter, you are a good person, who has arrived at this point due to circumstances that your current DP has not endured.

You have ensured that your parents are in a safe home, where they are supported when necessary and where you can go to see them in a reasonable amount of time. To get to this point, you have had to make sacrifices to your own health. He has not had to do this,yet.

I think you have your life sorted out, I am not sure that you need to future proof his life, too, to the denigration of your own health.

Keep doing what you need to do and if that means you need to release this man back into the gene pool, sobeit.

i probably don’t have the full context but I’d be more furious if he didn’t want to care for his parents. My mum cared for my grandparents and I intend to do the same for her.

What is possibly the issue in the idea you sell your home to do this. He needs to fund this. I’m guessing they have their own property that could be sold.

I think QueenofmyCastle would be an excellent username for OP!

Absolutely do not move in with this guy, let alone his parents too. He’s shit with money, has ambushed you with a life changing proposal re living situation, you’ve lived together before and it didn’t work, he is oblivious to the impact previous caring of elderly relatives has had on you and there will likely be some degree of caring for his parents thrown into the mix at some point which he clearly expects you to contribute too.

Being very blunt, what does he offer as positives that outweigh the above several large negatives?

Don't move in with him, OP. Not ever. Buy houses next door to each other if you absolutely cannot be without him, but do not share a house or finances.

I'm also ND, and someone whose one experience of dating an ND man nearly broke her, so excuse my extremism, but keep your own peace.

This. My parents moved very, very close to my Gran. It was a mistake.

Apart from all the other things everyone else has said, do not do this because the government is currently consulting on extra rights for co habiting partners. Unless you both sign a legal agreement to opt out, after 3 years cohabiting he may gain rights similar to rights on divorce. And you can’t opt out at the moment because the law isn’t in existence yet. So you would be in a massive mess.

This 100%.

OP it makes me feel anxious on your behalf simply reading your posts!

I would stay in your own home and keep living exactly as you are, However much you talk about things being different when you live together again, in my experience people always revert to type and can’t change who they are deep down.

I’m sorry you’ve suffered such an awful time with your parents, it all sounds very stressful.

Stay strong!

I don't think I've seen a thread where the posters are more unanimous in their thoughts!

OP, go with your gut, DON'T follow up on this insane and selfish plan of his. This man (and his family) are bad news and have no care for your own needs or well being. I say this as a nurse, and as someone from the ME (where it is very common/the done thing for multigenerational living and families to pool together to look after their elderly and infirm relatives). When my lovely DGM was in her final illness, my family (as a collective) all chipped in with caring for her: but we are all doctors and nurses and we tag teamed looking after her around our work schedules. We also paid for equipment and private carers/nurses to cover for when we were working. BUT....it was a collective family decision. My own DP future planned and ensured things were in place just in case, but both were independent and in good health up to their last illnesses (and whilst I miss them terribly, I'm glad for their sakes that they were spared a lot of what I see in the Elderly Parents thread).

This reminds me of when I was married to XH, his DP and him came up with the (insane and selfish) plan that he would move them in to our place (a cramped two bedroom flat). FIL had been ill. They lived 40miles away, had not future planned, did not accept help or follow medical plans (ergo got sicker). I was working FT as a nurse, I was the sole breadwinner, my 2 DC were very young, I carried the mental load for parenting, running the house and work, for everything. But - because I'm a nurse - "TicTac will sort it". Oh they fucking loved that. XH brought them over one night at about 2am after yet another drama/crisis, and told me that they would be sleeping in our bedroom and we can sleep in the living room...."whilst they convalesce". These were two immobile, doubly incontinent people, both needing personal care, and wound care (chronic wounds) etc and we had absolutely nothing set up. He didn't tell me about any of this and they all tried to present it to me as a fait accompli. He also told me that our "no smoking in the house" rule (XH was a smoker and so were they) would be relaxed as they couldn't get outside to smoke. I remember crying down the phone to my own DP, who told me that either they go back home immediately, or I take the DC and go to their house. Again, my family is from the ME, helping and looking after our elders is a HUGE thing, so for them to say this was massive. I laid down my boundaries and unsurprisingly XH took them back home. I gave him the option of him moving in with them to look after them "whilst they convalesce", but strangely enough, he didn't take that option. I guess that once they all knew that "the nurse" wouldn't be running around working FT on the ward, parenting two young DC, running the household AND running after all of them, they soon jumped ship back to their place. Obviously, I was seen as wholly unreasonable, but frankly they could GTF. I found out later that FIL had been ill, so went to the GP, who had prescribed him a course of antibiotics etc, which he had refused to take (and therefore got sicker)....but HE/they all decided that I would be the one to nurse them all.

Don't move in with your partner (under any circs), don't entertain this outrageous idea of pooling resources and becoming the nurse with the purse. Stick strictly to your boundaries and look after yourself and the life you've worked so hard to achieve. Enjoy your lovely home and your DDog. Watch your partner like a hawk so he doesn't try any shitty stunts. I read a couple of excellent phrases on here which are very true: 1. don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm. 2. when someone shows you who they are, believe them. x

Haven't read the full thread yet but

I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

^ that is enough. Tell him hell will freeze over before you share finances with someone who hasn't learnt fiscal responsibility yet. He can't argue with that but if he does then maybe your relationship is coming to its natural end anyway. Keep those boundaries up!

100% this!

Run that by me again?

He wants her to tie up her capital in a shared property with his parents where she will undoubtedly be expected to act as an unpaid carer when they don't even live in the same house at the moment.

And even if it was her parents, as I think you mistakenly read it, he's bad with money and they failed at living together when they tried it last time and she has no intention of being unpaid carers to be own parents either.

And you think she's getting angry for the wrong reasons to be presented with this?

For heaven’s sake, why are you still giving him the time of day, let alone considering living with him? Dump him, live your life, deal with your parents as you see fit.

Actually @Awfuldaughter your post reminded me of another thread recently. She ended up running away from the relationship as something similar showed her what her boyfriend actually thought of her. He was after her money and her maid skills only. Think very carefully as to whether your relationship is built on solid ground.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5519210-aibu-to-refuse-moving-in-if-asked-to-pay-half-his-mortgage?page=1

Omg please never ever move in with him at any stage. Why on earth would you destroy your peace. If it didn't work the first time it certainly won't work the second time. I'm in a similar position to you and honestly just please please no.

No, just no. And dont ever blend your finances in a property

So you are managing a difficult situation and he suggests that it would be easier if it was harder / easier for who exactly? Better for who? He’s looking for care for his parents when the time comes ! Cheeky. Possibly he’s processing emotionally and not realising how daft he is being and the full
implications …possibly

but well done for standing your ground

Goodness. You really don't learn your lesson do you. Your man is horrible and selfish. Living with him would be a disaster. And you think you may one day go for round two? Goodness! The fact he wants you to sell your own home and independence so you can be an unpaid carer for his own parents should tell you that he has not changed. He has not changed one iota. To be honest I would LTB. He doesn't sound very mature or responsible and I cannot see what he has to offer. You are better off single. He is not ever going to change. You know it.

Haven't RTFT yet and am secretly hoping you've dumped him by the time I reach the end of it 🤪

Please don't move in with him. He's bad with money, among other things. You have fought hard for a peaceful life. Protect it at all costs.