Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

You're right, he's wrong. What next?

Why are you still with him? Really? It all sounds like a car crash.

Well I’m sure it’s a marvellous idea from his perspective.

After all you’ve proven to be so wonderful at caring for your own DP’s you can now support him in caring for his own.

Where’s the downside 😂.

Oh….hang on….you lose your personal and financial independence and get a third of a share in a bigger house where you have the potential to be “outvoted” in any and all decisions and are unable to to walk away if when it all goes pear shaped without losing a shit ton of money.

In addition to still caring for your own DP’s (in a now sustainable way) you would have the joy of being able to have your boundaries tested daily by in-laws at the bottom of the garden who will likely see the “big house” as much as their own as yours given their financial input.

Though maybe it’s not actually a terrible idea as long as the property has a huge patio 😂

I do think him and I will end up living together one day.

Please don't.

It reads like hes been oblivious to the effect on you of caring for your own parents and the effort of trying to make your caring for your parents sustainable in the long term.

And then hes blithely proposed a new living arrangement that neglects your needs entirely

I like your post @Awfuldaughter

You've had a rant, and the answer is still absolutely not!

I think you should be slightly angry/miffed/wtf with him for even suggesting it, you're right, it would all fall onto your shoulders. It's another man trait... I'll get a woman to sort it.

I'm not even fucking sorting my own...

I hear you.

I think I'd leave the lot of them.

Why doesn't he pool his and his parents' properties and they move in together?

Answer: Because he plans you are going to be the maid and parental caregiver and keep those finances in order.

You know this isn't going to work. He's looking to exploit you and he's shown himself as manipulative what he said about you and your parents. He's trying to guilt and shame you to get his way. That's pretty fucking toxic.

He doesn't want you to have boundaries.

You'd be foolish to ever move in with a shit with money, manipulative exploiter.

Hahaha he’s looking for you to become an unpaid carer to his parents. Because he can’t be arsed (of course). Plus you’d also be coming with equity. The CF of pretty epic proportions especially because he’s trying to guilt trip you into that by seemingly hinting that you may not be caring for your own patents well enough.
stay firm!!!

This is what I’m most annoyed about…that he has completely missed what I’ve already been through, yet views our future with (me resenting caring for his parents) through rose tinted spectacles. This blows my mind!

OP apologies if this has already been mentioned, but apart from the many other reasons for this potentially turning into the mother of all shit shows, what happens if either of his parents need to go into care ? You could end up having to sell up to realise their contribution to the care fees, or have the LA put a charge on the property if payment is deferred.

What happens if he dies unexpectedly just after you've all moved into the house... Nightmare idea. I'd walk away now tbh.

@DryadsRest youre the only poster who has picked up on this. I appreciate it because I’m not sure I had completely understood why I was so angry

@ThreadGuardDog thank you. The reasons against just keep getting stronger. I’m gonna stay put here in my lovely flat with my equity and my dog

“him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.”

OP, this is a nightmare scenario, especially if he’s not good with money. It’s not just that you’d end up being the carer, it’s an absolute legal nightmare. Everyone is assuming the aged Ps will eventually die leaving you and OH the house - it might not happen like that. Are there siblings, who might be put out that the parents would be in effect gifting your OH the value of their house? What happens when there’s a falling out, and one of you wants to move out? If his parents had to go into care, they’d put a charge against the house, so you then wouldn’t be able to sell it, or would have to downsize substantially if you did. OP, just don’t go there. Stay in your flat where you’re happy, and leave profligate, spendthrift OH to live in his own place and look after his own parents. Don’t put yourself in the position if having to take responsibility for them, and don’t give up your independence. It’s all very well talking about what went wrong last time around, but people don’t change, and it will surely happen again.

He is absolutely wanting you to be the carer for his parents. No way.

The fact that he is even suggesting this would make me vow never to move in with him and I would reconsider the relationship. He is a selfish selfish man.

What's in it for you??

Like, why would you do this?!?!

HIS parents! Not even yours?!

He’s using you. He’s trying to cocklodge his entire family. Fuck that. You’d be cuckood pretty quickly.

Bugger that.

I did wonder if I’d been a bit cruel. Because some men can be a bit thoughtless, but once they are corrected can see error of their ways…..

Doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t be a caring partner for you! He might not be good at thinking ahead (Still I would have been pretty cross myself and bit wary of living together as a long term plan!

I’m cynical, but my first thought was that he’s after what is good for him, and is using parents as the emotional, manipulative lever to get what he wants.

Its a very obvious no to this idea for all the previous stated, but can I just ask why you would even consider moving in with just him anyway?
I wouldn't want to pool finances in any way with someone who is not very good with money and has already tried to emotionally blackmail you like this already. What's to say he wont keep pushing to move his parents into the smaller house anyway?
Stay strong and come back to the thread if you ever find yourself wavering.

I would never tie myself to a man I knew to be hopeless with money. If you do live together, ever, ensure you are financially separate so he doesn’t fritter away all your pennies.

So why are you still thinking of ever living with him at all?

If you want to keep a relationship going then do so by keeping your own properties, and so your own personal space to retreat to. Plenty of people do that too and it can be a very healthy boundary to have.

Do not move in with him. Especially with elderly parents in tow. You would become an unpaid carer and skivvy for everyone.

He's shit with money. Possibly at least in part also because he comes up with these hare-brained and wildly unrealistic big ideas of some sort of utopia, such as all selling up now to buy this huge property together, and living happily ever after!

No. Fuck that shit. It won't happen and you'd regret it big time. Maintain your good boundaries just the way they are. Only way.

The OP has already lived with him and it didn't work. She's had 16 years of him. He is, not was terrible with money.

Mostly, people don't change.
He's a chancer.

It's an absolute no from me for all the obvious reasons.

But it does show him in a different light. He wants to use you as a financial and possibly physical carer for his parents.

That would make me question how he views me as a person and whether I want to continue a relationship with him.