AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

He never will.

Get married as the counter argument to this. Then, and only then agree

Am I being unreasonable here? 😩

That’s exactly what my sister said!

Will you also be subsidising his parents annexe?
It sounds very unfair and I wouldn't even consider it, is he bereft because his plans to fund the new house aren't going to plan.

Yes, she should jump at the chance to marry a man who wants to take advantage of her financially 🤦‍♀️

is he bereft because his plans to fund the new house aren't going to plan

Quite. Cheeky fucker.

What do you think you should pay?

That’s what I’m starting to think

he’s baffled I’d prefer to stay in my little terrace rather than his big detached mansion- so I can afford to actually live !?

I think I should lay living costs and utilities but proportional to our salaries

him 70%
me 30%

50:50 would leave me with nothing after deductions - why would anyone agree to that ?

You’re totally right. You don’t want to rent a flat, so his point is irrelevant. He wants you to pay much more than you would have to for your own place to share his place. ‘This is approx my planned mortgage on my own place. I won’t be paying significantly more than that to your mortgage to be a lodger in your home also living with your parents while also having relocation risk and needing to find a new job. I think you think you’re in a relationship with a robot that acts on command rather than a person who also needs the relationship plans to work for me, not just you. You aren’t thinking about me at all. No. Full stop.

I guess you could rent your house, and pay him rent but what’s in it for you?

If he wants to split bills 50/50 he needs to move into your terrace or an equivalent cost place. If he wants to live somewhere much more expensive he needs to fund that.

Your suggestion sounds perfect, I agree it’s silly what he’s proposing. Do you really want to move in with him anyway? You’ve reached a decent stage in life about to be able to get your own smaller place where nobody can ruin your peace, honestly I’d rather keep that! It’d be different if you were buying together maybe

What an absolutely cheeky fucker of the highest order! Does he have form for being mean and unfair? Why on earth should you uproot your life and abandon your carefully made plans for financial freedom to pay dead money to building someone else’s asset?!

You’ve done your hard yards raising your kids. Now it’s time for you to have some financial freedom and some treats. Put yourself first!

What’s his relationship history and why did previous relationships end?

Tell him you'll only pay the same rent you pay for your mortgage or you are not moving in.

No way op. He wants you to help him pay off his mortgage which will be quite a bit given his renovation etc

Sounds like he’s interested in you for his financial gain. Don’t.

Me and my partner managed to split costs in a way that meant neither of us were worse off than when living separately. If it’s going to cost you more and him less then I wouldn’t move.

Even if costs are sorted out fairly, it’s completely unfair to be paying half toward someone’s mortgage, in a relationship, with no claim on the property. That’s literally just … giving him money.

Why on earth does he think you should be paying half of a mortgage for a property you’re not on the deeds of? Freeloading fucker.

in your shoes not only would’ve not move in, I’d reevaluate the whole relationship

YANBU. Is he stupid or very cynical? Moving jobs and location to enable your boyfriend to become better off whilst you become poorer makes absolutely no sense for you. I’d be questioning why he’s unable to understand this.

Don't move in if he cannot understand that you will have no money left each month because you are subsidising his dream. It's not your dream living with his parents (I hope).

Don't agree to this.

Lol, tell him to fuck off.

He'll probably understand that.

God

what a relief to read this.

Form for being mean? Hmm when I was going through my divorce and desperately broke he used to get a bit stroppy we couldn’t go on holiday together - I spent my last dime on making sure the DC got what they needed after a quite frankly horrendous divorce with lots of FA.

prior to me he dated for a bit but was single for 3 years.

Married for ten years to his previous wife and amicable divorce-they had no DC