Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

@CateyeKate My friend and her sister are just starting to clean up their FIL most days now, he has dementia and is soiling throughout the house, the husbands all say they can’t help as they are ‘working’.

Oh my god, Thats horrific ☹️.

You are clueless

@Tooobvious But you lost much of my sympathy at the point where you wrote about your obvious annoyance that your mother fought to save her husband's life when "his time should have come nearly three years ago". I’m all for assisted dying, but it should be when the person themself wants it, not when other people decide for them.

OP wrote that her father now has a very limited bedridden life. She didn’t mention Assisted dying. There is definitely a time and place to listen to the doctors and acknowledge ‘this person is elderly, they have had a long and fulfilling life and do we want their final years to be like this, or do we allow nature to take its course?’ Do we want to be the kind of society where preservation of life is everything, or can we consider quality of life too?

Jeez, OP, it sounds like you have a lovely life, nice flat, financial security, a job you love and are good at. I mean, I'm struggling to see what your DP is even for!

Do you really not see how this is likely to end up for OP if she agrees to it?

it sounds a nightmare and you would be worked and worried to death with the four parents. he sounds like a nightmare and what does he know about your relationship with your parents? keep your own place and tell him to mind your own business. you need help with your parents before you go potty

I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

Thats tge key.
Do NOT move with him, let alone him and his DP and your DP.

ND is often linked to people struggling to put themselves in someone ruse shoes and he clearly has done that there. He can’t see how you’ve run yourself to the ground trying to do somethimg impossible. He has no idea about your needs and how to answer them.

(I’m talking from the pov of living with a dh and a dc who are both autistic)

I get what you’re saying about your parents. They’re doing things their way. Theyre not opened to taking in board other people/your ideas.
Ive fine to tge same conclusion than you with my own parents - fine you do what you want. Just dint ask me to come after you to pick up and sort out all the disasters.

What?!?

He comes up with not a solution (because the way things are set up now is what works best for the OP) but with a living arrangement that is taking no notice at all to the OP’s needs and the dynamic between her and her DP.
Basically a ‘solution’ that works fir him with no interest about what works fir the OP.
And you think it’s him ‘trying to make things work’. Mind boggles really.

As fir no reason to be shaking with rage.
Youre rigut. Why would anyone be angry that the person they’ve been with for 16 years has no idea that the last thing the OP wants to be closer to her parents…. I mean apart from someone who doesn’t care about the OP.

@SummerDive Been with? Well living apart really. I think men see pragmatic solutions. Travel and time is an issue and living together cuts those problems out. The op and her partner just don’t really know each other do they if she’s so upset by this. I’d not even take it seriously! They were speaking on the phone and are both ND. No wonder they don’t always “get” a situation. You just have to let these ideas float by and op doesn’t really want to be with DP - or she would be by now. It’s more of a friendship.

You've said you've lived with him before and it 'went wrong' because he is 'terrible with money'. Regardless of any parent issues, you should not sell your paid-off home to get a mortgage with a man who could ruin your finances. Absolutely not.

Agreed.

Are you the OP's shit with money but sharp enough to see he can have a nurse with a purse OH?

I understood you perfectly. You need to be proud of yourself for standing your ground, putting in boundaries and asserting yourself. Well done. Keep it up. 💪

You had me at he’s terrible with money.

Hugely common theme. I have at least half a dozen friends who were married a long time, working, couple of children and juggling their parents until they passed.
Then their in laws start needing help and their husbands just assume they will carry on with the caring.

They got some rude awakening and there were hard truths told.
There would be zero help, just as much as they had received and sacrifices would be theirs and theirs alone.

These are nice men but their entitlement and ability to chance their arm was eye opening.

They no longer golfed/cycled on sundays as they spent it juggling parents and dropping children to things just as their wives had done.

@MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend yes definitely this. He’s not a bad guy with bad intentions. Just a crazy romantic with no real life experience. It’ll be up to me to hold firm on my boundaries and finances, but I’m ok with that.

@Tooobvious
“But you lost much of my sympathy at the point where you wrote about your obvious annoyance that your mother fought to save her husband's life when "his time should have come nearly three years ago". I’m all for assisted dying, but it should be when the person themself wants it, not when other people decide for them.”

If you’ve been on any of the Elderly Parents boards (in particular The Cockroach Cafe) then you’ll be aware that we feel able to talk candidly about our feelings around these issues. In my case, DM fought to keep DP alive at all costs, despite every medical professional telling her it would be kinder to let him go. I’m genuinely not sure it was worth it when I see the quality of life they both now have. DM has chosen to keep DP rather alive for her own reasons, rather than letting him go when his body was trying and ready to

OK, fair enough.

It is a spectacularly selfless thing to let your partner go.
My SIL's husband had a heart attack while in hospital for routine tests.
They found out the tests were terminal, which was so shocking.
The consultant told her they could give him treatment to extend his time by a few months, but it would be gruelling.
She chose to let him go, as it felt selfish to put him through it.
The consultant said he certainly wouldn't want treatment in such circumstances.
That was 8 years ago and she still misses him terribly.
She really was extremely brave.
Thanks for reminding me of that fact.

All of this shows how important it is to talk about your wishes around death and pursuing medical treatment way before it’s needed.

If you know someone would want anything and everything thrown at them then it’s one thing.
If you know they don’t want to kept alive at all cost but want to know they’ll still be able to do xyz, then that’s another.

We rarely have those conversations though.

Gosh that’s heartbreaking. What a terrible decision to be faced with

You seem to have missed tge part where they DID live together.
But decided to have separate houses (due his poor money management)

Saying that they aren’t really together is crap imo.
Many people ARE together but living apart. Often following an acrimonious divirce. It doesn’t mean they dint know each other or they can’t be taken seriously.

Not even going to bother to answer your comment about ND/autism. It’s shit and you know it.

Thank you! Yes I found that a little patronising too…I’m 47 FFS 😂

Agreed. Perfect.

@SummerDiveIt’s a different set of circumstances when you don’t live together and didn’t, apparently, get on. It’s not really a serious relationship in any way that counts. No shared house, mortgage, outgoings, money or even shared views and shared planning. It’s just two individuals who were together but it didn’t work out. It’s fairly obvious certain traits here are causing the problems.