Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

I don’t think he’s oblivious - he’s just looking at practicalities as most men do. I just think he was thinking of the travelling to and fro. He certainly wasn’t thinking about the money of three households being tied up in one house! That would be utterly ridiculous as the Op and partner are not married. Not sure the suggestion of someone I describe as a partner would make me that angry though! It seems a remote partnership. If you love someone you don’t get that angry over a suggestion like this.

When parents get more infirm, as an only DD you do get labelled as “the carer”. I had various people say that to me but I could not commit to it. I had other roles in life. Parents have to understand about accepting non family help when only one person does it, but so many don’t seem to care about their dc!

If we are going to give him the benefit of the doubt, does this suggestion come from a place of naivety? Has he ever actually provided care or are his parents still pretty good? He just sees big house, no one can sell it for care fees, winner all round because he's never dealt with the grinding shit that comes with care.

But if course you are absolutely right to say no way.

Exactly this. In fact the point that he's bad with money probably is a sign that he is oblivious to long term consequences of short term decision making.
So he doesn't see what you had to do mentally and physically. He can't see that his parents one day will have their own challenges (because today they are fine). He probably doesn't even understand why you've reacted like this.
I'd say you are very sensible to continue living separately!!

Aside from all the reasons why this is a huge NO. What happens if eventually his parents need paid aged care? Would you have to sell your big new home to release funds?

No, this is not a good idea.

He can always pool his money with his parents if he really wants to. You can rent out your home and move in with them as a trial, then move right back out when reality hits.

Multiple joint ownership of a property is a legal/physical/mental landmine over which you will have no control.

keep your independance..

No, that wouldn't work for me

no need to get angry at his delusional ideas, take them for what they are - pie in the sky day dreams - and move on quickly

If you move in with him (and not them), then every penny of my money bets you end up living with the shit with money partner, caring for your parents, AND living with the stinky hoarders that your partner ends up sneaking in 'just whilst Dad gets back from hospital', or 'just to give Mum a week break' and they never leave. Don't do this. You have your peace now. Don't let yourself fuck your life over. This grass is greener because it's fertilised by bullshit.

Ansolute hard no to this proposal, but also don't move in with him at all.
You are secure, he is bad with money. He'll drain you.

Was just thinking about that thread. Wonder where it is and what happened in the end?

Has he already discussed this with his parents before talking to you? I thought that’s maybe why they were willing to put money into a house for you, before the mention of it having an annexe.

This. All this.

Based on my friendship group, far more relationships split up due to unequal allocation of domestic work than for any other reason. The fact that he can’t see that sharing with his parents, and having yours close, would be a huge amount of work is a bit of a red flag.

Id start by asking some questions like:

How will you manage looking after your parents if they start needing care during the day and you’re at work?
How are you proposing that we split the cleaning if we live with your parents? What about as they age? How will you feel about taking on their share?
Who will plan, shop, cook and clear meals? Do you and your parents eat the same things as me?
How will we divide up the payment and organising of things like insurance, council tax, bills, work in the house etc.

Dont accept woolly answers and look out for responses which “feel fair” like “we’ll do 50/50 looking after my parents” but which aren’t reciprocal.

So he knew the responsibility you have for your parents but thought it best to gift you his parents too?! Don’t ever live together or pool finances, living apart is working well right now. Imagine if you split how difficult it would be to sell your share?! He is being inconsiderate. Have you explained that you don’t want to be the automatic carer for his parents as it’s hard work and can snowball as they decline.

Ah the spreadsheet!
The OP declined his "generous" offer :) I don't think he could understand why she said no because he was deluded

When people tell you who they are @Awfuldaughterlisten. The living with his parents suggestion is a terrible one but so is the idea of living with him again.

been there, done it - they don’t change & you just end up disappearing in the end - under the stress of coping with someone else who cannot & doesn’t want to change their ways to accommodate living with someone else when it isn’t working

would you really give up the peace that comes from closing your front door on the world and just being at home?

Yesterday there was a thread by a woman who was getting absolutely fucked over, bullied and ruined by her lodger, also her ex, and she was terrified to kick him out because it might mean people didn't like her.

But also ignoring your experience of the difficulties of living with him. It seems disrespectful of you and your happiness TBH.

To give him his due maybe he's just seized on a thought and his mind is running with it, but this is not what someone who was prioritising your happiness over his own would ever propose. I think I'd be cross too, at the very least, and if you are furious I get it.

So, he's twigged that his parents will eventually start to need care and support and become less independent and his suggested solution is to architect a situation where you lose your financial independence and become an unpaid carer. He assauges any guilt about his parents going into a care home or the like and gets someone to do his cooking and cleaning as well.

Aside from the obvious no fucking way to this suggestion, do you think he has any insight into your needs more generally?

I am raging for you OP, as one of three siblings and the only one that does all the caring, I know what you are going through. I think he has looked at the situation of his aging parents, his poor money management and you doing a very capable job managing your parents and thought, “oh here’s a fabulous solution to my future, if we can move @Awfuldaughter ’s parents closer, she can do my parents in and amongst her own, we can live in a lovely big house and all the money will come to us in later years. I will probably get all my meals cooked and washing done too, winner, winner”

A big, fat fuck off!

Seriously, do not be swayed from this.

You would be trapped for the rest of your life , or until his parents died , went into a nursing home. Don't even entertain it as a possibility

OP you are almost certainly being set up in this to be the carer of everybody, with your own needs entirely overlooked.

I also notice you say "he is terrible with money" - this alone would be a reason not to sell your own flat and buy a property with him.

Don’t move in with him. You have a set up that works for you, you don’t sound that keen on living together and you don’t want to be his parents’ carer- all very sensible. Keep your independence, make your own decisions about how much time you are willing to spend caring for your own parents and let him do the same for his.

You are not an awful daughter @Awfuldaughter you are 100% reasonable and this idea of your boyfriend's is craziness that you are quite right to reject. Keep your independent solo home, keep your boundaries for what support you are able to give your parents within reason. Your boyfriend can work out for himself where his boundaries are for what he's prepared to do for his parents but this "big house" plan is a thinly veiled attempt to make you a full time carer and you are perfectly entitled to say "no". If he doesn't accept that then reconsider the relationship.

Every post I've read so far assumes that OH is emotionally abusive and a chancer, wanting OP to care for his parents.

My autistic siblings are completely unable to empathise and would likely suggest some similarly unsuitable arrangement themselves. They'd not see the impact on me because they are simply not wired that way.

OH may not have the egregious intentions cynically assumed so far. He may just be completely lacking in insight, awareness or empathy.

That said, if you can't get past this suggestion or you need a DP with more understanding of your own struggles then I think he isn't the person for you.