Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

It doesn’t seem to me that it’s an outrageous suggestion. People do this sort of thing all the time and it clearly works well for some of them.

But you don’t want to do it and that is an entirely reasonable response.

Oh OP, absolutely not! Don't get yourself dragged into that situation. If it all goes wrong (which is possibly), it will be a nightmare mess to untangle yourself from.

I would be questioning his reasons for wanting to do this, in all honesty. Unpaid carer in the house? Wanting to upgrade his home from a flat to a much bigger property? Is your property worth more than his???

Sell their property and put all their money into a joint home with their boyfriends elderly parents? Not many women I know do that.

There's nothing wrong with choosing not to live together (more couples should do it, it's often the better arrangement) but given you can't get on in a shared environment, and he's bad with money, and he thinks this is a great idea with no thought for your needs and wishes, and he's now responded to your refusal by guilt tripping you and sulking, I honestly can't see what's keeping you together.

Never ever live with this man!

No they don't. At most they build a granny annexe on their existing property if that's an option. They absolutely don't give up their full home ownership to pool with their boyfriend who's bad with money and they can't stand living with and his parents to buy a massive house, with all the associated costs of that for both generations to live in, including people with high care needs, so they own only a third of it, can get overruled for everything, almost certainly be expected to pick up all the slack and caring, and leading to an absolute financial and housing nightmare when someone passes away.

If they do they're an idiot. But they don't.

I’m not convinced this is a good relationship for you OP.

At the very least never buy a property with a man who’s bad with money.

This has the hallmarks of someone who’s out of what he can get - equity, care, financial security. I can see what’s in it for him, I don’t see what’s in it for you.

Have you really sat down and considered why you’re with him? What does he bring to your life?

You tried living with him & it didn't work & that's that.

If he wants to live with & ultimately care for his parents that's up to him & them to sort out.

Not sure why he would think you would want to be involved in that.
(Well, other than money from your flat!)

Not true at all. Some couples who have been married for donkeys years build or buy a place with an annex for one or other of their parents in their later years.

I have never heard of a woman living independently buy a property with a DP and his parents ever. For obvious reasons.

If he’s so desperate to live with his parents there’s nothing stopping him.

Why shouldn't she be angry at him? He thinks OP should be a carer for his parents.

Please stay exactly where you are. I can’t see any advantage for you in moving in with anyone!

I missed that!?

If you’ve already lived with him and it didn’t work, why do you say that you will privacy end up living together in future?

I think you’d be mad to give up your own house and independence to pool money with someone who is bad with money and his parents. You’d spend the rest of their lives wiping arses and being an unpaid skivvy

Exactly this. And annexes may possibly work well enough - until a resident gets dementia and will start banging on your door at 3 am because they want fish and chips/their TV remote isn’t working (because they’re trying to work it with their phone) there’s a strange man in their bedroom (the dh they married 40 years ago) etc.

I take it that your partner would be doing all the cooking, cleaning, nursing then? No, thought not.

DO NOT DO THIS
DO NOT DO THIS
DO NOT DO THIS
DO NOT DO THIS
DO NOT DO THIS
DO NOT DO THIS

Speaking from the trenches here, not with ILs, but my elderly DM lives with us - we did something similar re the shared living arrangement. DM now has dementia and it's rapidly descending into the ninth circle of hell.

Sounds like you've done your time with your own parents - stick to your guns re this, it sounds like a great idea for all concerned except you!

As someone who has run herself ragged over the last 8 years helping her elderly parents (one with advanced dementia) it would be a big fat no from me, you just know you will end up as a carer for your partner’s parents, the majority of men are crap at caring and it inevitably falls upon the women in the family. My friend and her sister are just starting to clean up their FIL most days now, he has dementia and is soiling throughout the house, the husbands all say they can’t help as they are ‘working’.

I’m ND too and I like my life the way it is, I crave routine. I have found the constant changes that come from dealing with elderly and unwell parents very difficult to deal with but the one thing that grounds me is knowing I have my own home to escape to.

Keep your home op….and your sanity. Your partner can sell his property and his parent’s and move in together and if he thinks anything of you he will acknowledge what you currently do for your own parents, how it’s already affected you and respect that you need your own space.

Op keep your own place ,you've tried it and it didn't work . Him and his parents can sell and amalgamate if that works for them .

This represents so much more than a terrible suggestion - it shows that you can't trust him to protect you and help you make the right choices for yourself. That's so disappointing. Stupid man. Don't ever move in with him - he will make your life worse.

Don't do it OP. It will break you. And I don't think you're an awful daughter. You're a realistic one. I agree with @Fleetbug - this will impoverish and break you and the only return on your investment will be a future strewn with incontinence pads and pivotell boxes.

Erm…you both don’t live together because it caused problems provision and so he thinks it’s a good idea to also have his parents! Bat shit! What’s the logic there and what’s in it for you. Do lay the law with him about trying make you sound bad - let him know it’s not his place and he better not say that again.

Logic and sense would say that if he wants to take care of his parents more he and they should sell and get a place for the three of them.

OP, he has just given a clear window into his thinking and how he views you.

A skivvy carer. Not a person at all.

You would want to bd out of your fxxking mind to ignore this.

Not someone to trust at all.

Never ever under estimate how selfish, calculated and focused a man can be to create a soft landing for himself.

His response is to sulk?

How haven't you got the ick?

Why would he assume the house can’t be sold for care fees ? If anyone who owns a share of it needed full time care the local authority would put a charge on it. That’s one of the reasons it would be mad to go ahead.

Op while he is horrendously and ridiculously unreasonable and I’m not quite sure how you feel about him tbh, I think you need to talk to someone irl- you’re so angry at everyone and add to that the ‘it’s my time’ seems forced and angry too.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Your parents like mine were are settled in assisted living. My father never had to go into a home. My mother went from assisted living to palliative nursing home the two months before she died.

Leave them there they don't need the god awful upheaval.

Your boyfriend has some undesirable traits with money and impulsive behaviour. That won't stop.

I know a couple who've been LATS for half a century. He lives in Wales, her on the Wirral. They visit each other often but admit they can't live together.

I agree with your OP 100% @Awfuldaughter and don't budge an inch. You enjoy living separately. You lived together and it didn't work. Why on earth would moving in with his parents too make it any better? You have your own DPs to look after, why add the burden of looking after his too?

And you own your house outright. I don't see any reason to give that up to go into a joint property with him, with or without DPs. Move in with him and rent out your house so you always have it to move back into if you must.

And don't mix your assets by marrying. You've been together 16 years and it works. It sounds like you are in a really good place on your own. Muddying that can only bring heartache later.