Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

In many societies this is the norm-parents care for us when we're little, and we repay the favour. It's nice that he's a caring person. It's ok for you to have a different opinion, but unreasonable to be so mad at him or act like he doesn't have a right to an opinion lots of people share.

But he's not a caring person. He does not care about OP's needs, wishes and security, and he isn't planning on doing any caring.

Don't even think of selling your home.

Without your money, I say again, your, this stupid half wit idea would be a non starter for your other half.

It's a no.

Hell no.

Never.

Ever.

God. No.

I'd be seriously thinking of getting rid of him, too.

I say again. Your money earned from your hard work, your effort.

Lots of 'your's'....

We didn't even know he was in hospital 10 minutes up the road from us, that's how routine the appointment was with his consultant.
He walked in to a routine appointment and the consultant said I can fit you in for a test/procedure tests while you are here.

First thing we heard was it was all over. The shock. His wife gave permission DNR and he passed without ever knowing.

Horrendous. No wonder she was several years walking about in complete shock.

He was in his mid 60's, so no age.

If people won’t share and don’t have shared views on planning the future, they are, in effect, single. So why get so upset about this suggestion? It’s over the top.

Wouldn't you get upset if someone planned what they were going to do with a substantial asset that you owned without consulting you?

And how much of the caring will this guy end up doing himself, do you think??

It’s very easy to romanticise elder care when it’s someone else doing the caring.

I don't know anyone whose opinion has ever been that they should use a partner's assets to finance their plans for their own parents when this suggestion has not come from the owner of the asset.

Because it shows how much care he has for her... and his reaction to being told no shows even more.

Those societies also have a strong build in system so that the carer doesn’t end up on their own exhausted.
It isn’t expected that they do all the caring whilst also working ft.

And ofc it causes many issues when said parents are controlling or abusive….
It’s somethimg that people do because they are duty bonded. Not because they are simply caring.

I hate that line - they cared for you when you were babies so now its time to pay back the debt. They decided to have children and raise them. I did not choose to care for elderly demented parents whilst taking care of my own children plus working full time. I would rather they sell their properties have zero inheritance so that they can have care that they fund themselves. Do not go with his suggestion. You life will be over. Cheeky fucker.

Really agree. You choose to have children, they don't actually owe you anything. I hope that when I'm old, my children will be happy to help me out to an extent without burying their own lives, because something went wrong in the relationship if they don't want to do even that. But they absolutely don't owe me a return on the care I chose to take on when I chose to have them.

I also agree.

My DM is in late stage dementia. It is awful. She always suffered with FOMO, didnt want to sign the DNR when going in for surgery at age 84. Agreed only when the surgeon explained the grim reality of resus to her.

I have FOLO (fear of lingering on). I have discussed with DH and DCs and will be putting an Advanced Directive (legally binding if witnessed) in place so that all treatment stops if I have permanently lost capacity. I would rather go a few years early than a few years late.

We currently have MIL in the acute fraility unit. Unable to move, unable to swallow, unable to do anything for herself. We have stressed RESPECT and her DNR to the doctors and they have said they will not overly treat her. She has zero standard of life and is just shouting and in distress. Its awful,

@ThatCyanCat Exactly. They aren’t on the same page! Could not live together and don’t share anything. So of course he’s not caring for her.

Join the cockroach cafe threads in elderly parents. It kept me sane, and I also made an absolutely lovely friend who was in the same boat. No way on earth would I have done what your partner is suggesting. And you’re right. That 40min jouney is a godsend.

I understand you thought it might be an option in the future, but it really sounds like you don’t want to move in with him, ever!
there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m 44 (divorced) and have been with my partner for 4 years and I would never move in with him. I enjoy his company but I love my own space and time to myself.

I don’t think it’s fair to lead him on if it’s not something you’re 100% sure of. If this is the case you need to speak to him and make things clear.

@Awfuldaughter just a note - it's easier to do that as long as you are well.

If the point comes that you are not well and need support, please be aware that you can be more easily influenced especially if someone is 'suggesting' the same thing over and over and over again, when you are physically weak and in pain.

It's been a very hard experience that leads me to say this and it cost me more than I can ever recover physically, mentally and financially. Please plan for the long terms as well as the medium, and consider what he'll be like if ~you~ need care.

Quite apart from all the other (correct!) points people have made, do not buy a house that’s shared three ways but you’d expect one share to transfer to one of the other owners. When his parents have both died, their share will presumably pass to him and then you’re in a house you only own a third of… and he’s bad with money?! Don’t do it.

The best solution would seem to be that he moves in with his DPs. He doesn’t need to worry about the distance or when they start to need care because he’ll be right there, and he can pop over to yours for a bit of respite/date nights, etc.

If he thinks you don’t spend enough time with your parents, I’d be tempted to try being a bit less available to him because you’re “with your parents” (obviously you don’t have to actually be there). Do you holiday together? What if you have to save your days so you can spend a day a week over summer helping DPs with whatever? Does that change his view of how much time you “should” be spending helping them?

Exactly this!