Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

I first read this as him judgily thinking you should move your parents in... bad enough... then I realised he meant his parents... 🤯

He isn't thinking of you one bit, is he? Not one shred of his thought process shows any care for you and your wants, needs and wellbeing, it's all about him and what would be of most service to him.

Everyone in your life seems to be under the impression you exist to serve them! I'm so proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Hang onto your flat, your dear doggie and your independence! They are golden!

(I bet Doggo is the only one who loves, adores and appreciates you unconditionally out of the whole lot of them)... 🐶😍

Agree 100%. Why on earth would you think of giving up your independence to live with this man either now or in the future? It makes no sense.

You say he is bad with money. Do you have any idea how bad? Does he have debts you don't know about? You have paid for your house which, when sold, turns into cash. Has he got his eye on this to clear his debts?
Also, his parents will avoid any care fees by living with you.

Do not buy a house with this man. Ever. Stay independent and free. There is nothing to be gained by living together. If this means splitting up, so be it. Do not become his cash cow.

Oh hell no! He’s lining you up as a nurse with a purse. If he thinks it’s such a great idea, he and his parents can sell their houses to buy one bigger one together.
Also, don’t ever move back in with him. You’ve tried it once and it didn’t work.

Do his parents even want this? I have no issue with very early planning for older age, but it’s rare for young and fit older people to want to be in a granny annexe. And the potential issues of shared ownership… way too complex.

Actually, wasn't there another thread recently where a man had lined up his partner's savings for a big house with him and his parents, and she was starting to realise what a swizz this was and backing out? And he was trying to flip flam her and hide the true costs, then getting angry when she wouldn't play along... I seem to remember wild costs for cleaners and refurbishments... 🤔

Keep your independence in every way, don’t even think about selling your flat and buying a joint house with him and his parents. He’s after a free carer and the equity from your flat. It’s a great idea for him, his life will be improved but your life could be one of drudgery. A legal nightmare to get out of too.

I wouldn't move in with anyone who is bad with money, especially when you've paid off your home.
That's even before thinking about aging parents. Don't do it OP! The fact you're even posting here about it shows you doubt it's the right thing. I firmly believe you'll regret it. You'll end up becoming a carer for his parents and he'll get you into financial woes. You have your 'peace' don't ever hand the power to anyone else to destroy it.

Agree with this @Awfuldaughter .
Don't change how you want things for his convenience. Stay independent as you are and feel no guilt. Well done you for getting yourself in this position. Be more selfish cos who is ever there for you. If he's not happy split up. Take care of yourself.x

Please note NO ONE here has supported his idea so l think you can safely say that your instincts are good . Don’t be bullied into doing something which would be a massive upheaval and not be any benefit to you as far as l can see . You have suffered a lot emotionally due to the struggles with your DP’s so well done for managing and navigating the aftermath of that . Keep YOUR home as your safe haven and be really clear that on reflection , you have no intention of moving in with anyone for the foreseeable future. Your peace of mind is paramount and if your BF can’t see that then he is being selfish and doesn’t have your well-being as a priority. Good for you for getting annoyed. It’s your life and no one can tell you what to do.

OP you have an admirable sense of boundaries and self awareness that we should all aspire to. You’re right, he’s wrong, keep doing you 💪

Leaving aside everything else, do not move in with someone who is bad with money

Absolutely no way. But also, why would you move in with him? You will end up carrying all the emotional and logistical load and will end up looking after him as you both age. Fuck that

Keep your own property. Keep working on your boundaries with your parents. Let him care for his own parents.

Don't do it OP!! They are all definitely sizing you up as a carer for his parents! And why is he going on about your parents...maybe you should suggest they come and live in the granny annexe as well and he can help you look after them too 😄

Your current set up sounds ideal...your own place, your own money, and your partner doesn't live with you...heaven! Don't lose it!

Raising this issue now is a calculated move. It’s a feature, not a bug.

its when you are already tired, emotionally spent and vulnerable ( ie more open to persuasion). You are ground down, so might day yes to something that, if you were more robust, would realise isn’t in your favour ( and in fact, is strongly against!!)

it’s great that you still have strength to strongly rebut. Agree with virtually everyone: NEVER be tempted to move in together. Do not even be drawn into conversations about his parents arrangements!

I remember that thread @CamilleBeauchamp . You could see/hear the OP getting the penny drop moment! (Love your username; I love Bette Davis, she was fabulous in Now, Voyager!)

OP, it's pretty unanimous here and I think your gut feel is the right one.

He's lining you up as carer to his parents without a doubt but as another poster says, he's not taken on board the affect you dealing with your own parents has had on you. So selfish.

Let him move in somewhere with his parents; let's see how that goes!

No she isn't! Well done OP it's so hard establishing boundaries with elderly parents as much as we live them we can't set ourselves on fire to keep them warm. This nincompoop just tried to walk all over your boundaries so he doesn't have to set his own and tried to emotionally blackmail you. Have a nice glass of wine/gaming session/long bath or whatever blissful solo activity you enjoy in your lovely home you live in alone and when you've calmed down speak to him seriously and calmly about why this behaviour is totally unacceptable.

He is sulking now because in his mind this was the perfect solution.

He sees the problem you have with dealing with your parents is the distance you have to travel. I guess he doesnt know the reality of the situation (even if you have explained it multiple times).

To him the big solution is proximity. Bring everyone closer together and the problem is solved. And if his parents are close by you he will find it much easier to support them.

NB do hop over to the cockroach cafe thread if you ever want somewhere to get judgement free support as you deal with your parents.

you’re quite right to say no.

apart from all the other stuff i’d never entangle my money with someone who is not good with money.

im wondering why hes so desperate to move in together now. why this timing? i wonder if he’s already being chased by creditors….

the care of demanding parents is hard. they turn into small pathetic incapable children who want what they want and put themselves first.

my latest drama: I drove up to fix a landline phone that was broken. turned out there had been a power cut and now it was back on again it just needed it’s time reset to allow it to connect to the base unit. took under one minute. all because “ i don’t understand the message” . The message was. “Power Cut Set Time”. She had the book right there. She didn’t even try. Just gave up. Thinking and working things out is apparently too hard now.

so i fully get what you mean. im lucky as im local.

i forced carers. “i dont want strangers”
tough.
I was there each time they came to oversee any “i dont need help” “my daughter will do this” lies and crap.

“No mum i won’t, let’s get Gemma to help you into your nightclothes, shes not a stranger, you know her now, shes a friend, if you don’t hurry up youll miss your tv programme that starts in five mins, is it this blue nightie or the floral one…..”.

And now she likes them as they are all lovely people.

I agree.

He is oblivious to the stress @Awfuldaughter has been under re her own parents so doesn't see it as an issue to suggest moving in with his elderly parents, especially as at the moment they don't need much care.

OP has seen into the future though and doesn't want to be lumbered with another set of needy parents at some point in the near future - this time not even her own!

Obviously say No @Awfuldaughter but I would also find it worrying that my partner had not noticed how stressful I already am with caring duties.

I bet he won't sell his place so just him and his parents all live together, which tells you all you need to know about what his plans were. Please don't consider moving in with him. He will probably just move his parents in at some point. You can't trust that he won't.

At least you've recognised it for what it is.

I think you are so exhausted, you aren’t angry enough! Write a pro’s and cons list and go through the thread adding each and every point raised to the list even the questions you may not know the answers to such as is he in a shit ton of debt. Have you said anything that is a pro for being with this man in any way at all? He needs you for his plans. That doesn’t mean he loves, likes or cares for you. This man is emotionally manipulating you and your parents and trying to wear you down to get what HE wants and needs from you. LTB!

You sound like you have everything figured out and I would stick to your guns, let him sulk!

I’m with all the rest OP! Hang on to your valued independence. So he has tried making you feel guilty in order to sell this plan to you - “ you don’t care about my parents”? Wow. I followed the thread a PP raised and the unbelievable gall of these guys making these suggestions verges on scamming. On what planet does selling up your hard won home for an enormous joint investment with three other people look like a great idea? Especially if one of those people you’ve tried it with before and it didn’t work? If it all goes tits up what is your escape plan? Where is your financial protection? You would be completely stuffed.

We’re not talking chicken feed, this is your largest single asset and he’s planning how to use it in order to benefit him and his parents. Wow.

And that’s before we even start on the unspoken assumptions about the new carer role he’s building for you!

He’s planning how to use your assets and he’s planning how to run your life. For his benefit not yours. Some kinder PPs have suggested he’s fantasised and not thought it through properly. I don’t agree. I believe you will see the usual assumptions about women’s caring roles reveal themselves as soon as your assets are locked into this trap. You will have two sets of parents to care for and a partner who is happy to use emotional blackmail to facilitate this. And no escape.