Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

I have no advice, but I applaud you for holding firm on your boundaries. I’d rather be an eternal spinster cat lady than opt for the life your DP is proposing. Hold the line!

You are not being unreasonable.

Also you already know you can't realistically live with this man and you don't actually want to. So don't do it.

Yes, of course you are right and have every justification for refusing his suggestion, and for being furious that he has so little insight into your life and your own rights and problems. You’d be crazy to move in with him at all.

But you lost much of my sympathy at the point where you wrote about your obvious annoyance that your mother fought to save her husband's life when "his time should have come nearly three years ago". I’m all for assisted dying, but it should be when the person themself wants it, not when other people decide for them.

I do think him and I will end up living together

Oh hell no. Don't do it. You've been in a relationship with him 16 years without living together and you're fine. You like having your own space. HE is the one who, as you say in your OP, is obsessed with the idea of the two of you selling up and buying a place together. If you did this, it means he's successfully imposed his will on you to do something you didn't want.

Not only that, since the house would be jointly owned, all decisions regarding what happens to it and in it would be joint. You'd lose the autonomy that you have now. And given that he's just made an outrageous suggestion about housing that you were easily able to reject, he'd quite possibly make another one once you're trapped in a jointly owned home. Imagine you move in together, his mum later dies and he wants to move her in.

Don't let him pressure you. Keep your home, your control over it, and your freedom.

Contrary to the first poster, I think you're angry at him for all the right reasons. He's seen the struggles you've been through with your own parents and hasn't given a thought to how you may feel about moving in with his parents. Then to have the gall to say it would be easier for you if your own parents were closer! He's trying to manipulate you through guilt. That's absolutely a reason to be angry with him. As is the unspoken assumption that you'll end up a carer for everyone.

There's nothing wrong with an adult child wanting to live with their parents to support them. BUT, it should be an open discussion point they have with any partner, so their partner know what they're getting into from the beginning. And they should accept that it's perfectly reasonable for a partner to decline to be part of that situation.

I think he's just seeing an imaginary, shiny big property more money will bring him, and not the potential issues it will bring. Stay as you are. Keep your own property. Even if you move in together at a later date, both keep your individual properties and rent together or get another mortgage for a joint property.

Don't buy a shared property with someone who "is crap with money" and their elderly parents. It wont be long until he will have to help manage his parents finances, and once he starts buying unnecessary stuff, then theres a risk they'll not be able to afford care/ accessibility options /etc.

Whats in it for you? You like things as they are. If he wants to buy a shared property with his parents they can all do so. You dont have to, in fact why the hell would you??

Wow, thanks for all the responses people. I’m running errands for my DPs today (I give them a day every other week when I’m able) but will catch up on all your replies later over a cuppa. Didn’t even post this in AIBU, so am very surprised by the traction of my rant!

It hits a very common theme for women as we get older. Deal with your parents, his parents, help with older DC help with grandchildren what do mean you're tired step up woman do more.

I wonder if he's a bit like one of my ex boyfriends? Autistic, absolutely terrible with money (and very keen to encourage me to also make very bad decisions with money). Always coming up with crazy ideas (for everyone around him) that haven't been thought through and are financially stupid.

He'll get over it. Just don't take him seriously. I did, and lost 30k of savings and got into 12k of debt :/.

I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

Never move in with him.
If you have lived together once and it hasn't work, it won't work the next time either, no matter how much you think you are trying to change things, or you've discussed the issues etc.

Protect your peace. That's what I have finally learned now I am nearly 50. Nothing is allowed to disturb my inner peace. Obviously things do happen and there are always going to be issues with the care of your parents but the vast majority of your life should be peaceful.
For me, that means living in my own flat and having that peaceful space I can retreat to when I need to with no one else living in it.
It sounds like you need/want the same.

Beware of men wanting a nurse with a purse. He hasn't been like that up to now by the sounds of it but now he's thinking about the future and what that would look like and suddenly he comes up with an idea of your all living in one house and you selling your house to pay for part of it (purse) and having you on hand to help with his parents as they age (nurse) and also then later on help him as he ages (nurse).

Tell him no, it's never going to happen and then he can decide what he wants to do based on that information. Don't do any wishywashy "I'll have to think about that", "Maybe in 5 years time", etc. Straight up, "No, that doesn't work for me and it isn't going to happen so you'll need to make other plans".
And don't let him manipulate you by trying to imply you don't do enough for your parents. That is absolutely none of his business.

Am I correct in thinking that you could be responsible for 4 elderly people and all their wants and needs if you progress with his plans.
There's a small nursing home near me who have 5 residents with cleaners ,carers and a resident nurse owner.Its totally unrealistic that you and your partner could manage that and work.My elderly mother has care workers in four times a day and cleaners twice a week.
She has us run ragged with her demands and the care element isn't even touching on her needs.You need to be tell him straight and move on if he won't listen.

You are massively overreacting.

He wants to live with you and is coming up with suggestions of how to make this work.

If it’s not for you just say no.
There’s no need to be ‘shaking with rage’.

Not a chance

Yes, the spreadsheet, I'd forgotten the spreadsheet! 😂 It was lovely to behold the poster coming into her power and pushing back, I hope she's thriving, happy and free now...

The PP who described this stuff as bordering on 'a scam' had it right...

To use the famous MN mantra, No is a complete sentence. He and his DP's will have 2/3rds share in the house, you will always be the minority share holder and for that reason alone I wouldn't contemplate it. You'll have little or no say in what happens in your own home. Add in parents who are likely to need care/assistance at some point, you will always be the default because women bloody are, and you'd have no chance at any boundaries.

You've done really well putting in boundaries with your own parents. So don't call yourself an awful daughter when you're doing what you are able to. My Mum is a nightmare, she's living in wholly unsuitable housing with my cocklodger stepfather, still working part time at 78 to finance them both even though she's chronically unwell and doesn't listen to a word you tell her. My boundaries around it all are encased in steel. My sister is the golden child and it's all on her giving everything Mum has given her over the last 15 years including half a business that I was offered no part of.

Madness! He wants your equity to fund a massive house for him and his parents to be looked after by you, the unpaid carer. Just no, rather obviously!

There is if you actually understand what is being requested of her, and his reaction to being told no.

So you created boundaries and sorted out a suitable place for your own parents to live and now he’s suggesting you and he live together in a property with his parents so you’re there as a carer for them when the time comes. Sounds to me like that is what would happen. No way.

@Awfuldaughter
Honestly, that 40 minute drive is actually quite healthy as a barrier to driving over to change channels on the TV remote for them.

Bloody hell, I didn't know I had a twin!!

My Mum did that to me once. I wouldn't mind but she had 2 tvs downstairs and one in a bedroom upstairs and a stairlift. Just because she wanted Emerdale bloody Farm on the big telly. 🙄

Stick to your guns with respect to your parents and your OH and his parents. They're his responsibility. If he chooses to be their carer, that's all on him.

Mine were an hour away and sometimes that really wasn't far enough...although there were days I think Canada or Australia might have been a bit too close too.

💐

Avoid at all costs - you will end up being the Nurse with the Purse

No wonder your DP thinks this is an amazing idea,
everyone benefits except YOU 😬

I would just suggest he and his parents sell up and move in together and you keep your own place independently

I think he's been blinded by the fantasy of a huge property he couldn't otherwise afford...

When you've calmed down, I'd ask him to reflect back on how you were when your parents were leaning heavily on you, and that was with the escape of them not being ON the fucking property.

Don't do it. Friend (with cancer) has just done this and then been dumped by her OH, It's a fucking god awful mess. Financially and emotionally. Only upside is that he is now stuck looking after his parents and has to bankrupt himself to buy her out. Arse.

I disagree - people who have had their boundaries trampled for a long time often feel extremely angry when their autonomy is threatened. On a deep level, it really feels like 'fighting for your life'.

I recognise and applaud the work the OP has done to protect herself - but it can be ongoing work, especially as the threats to your independence can keep coming (as here).

Yes but no.
No chance.
You already know you would not be happy living with him.
Add on living with him and being the expected carer of his parents while he swans about wazzing your money.
If it’s such a great idea why doesn’t he spend his money to buy a house with an annex for his parents.
No that’s not good enough as he wants your money too with you as a live in unpaid career.
Ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha. Oh he’s serious.