Outrageous suggestion by OH re caring for elderly DPs

[Awfuldaughter]

Been together 16 years, not married but live apart. We each own our own homes (mine outright).

OH has been obsessed with us both selling our flats and buying somewhere bigger together. His DP have suggested that they might contribute. I have been reluctant, but open minded; I love living alone, but have lived with OH previously which went wrong. We’re both neurodivergent and he is terrible with money.

I currently veer from crisis to crisis with my own elderly DPs who live in the next city. This has been ongoing for years with me gradually getting the strength to stand back as they have refused to get extra care/help around the house etc. My younger brother lives 4 hours drive away, so all responsibility falls to me. A few years ago I got myself in a pickle by doing too much for them. It’s taken a lot of strength to establish boundaries, and if I’m honest it’s an ongoing situation that I have to work hard at.

DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago. It’s no existence. She has no life herself but none of this was my decision and I won’t spend my remaining working years as an unpaid carer.

I’m literally shaking with rage after getting off the phone to my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them.

Yeah - so I can become a fucking unpaid carer and clean up after all of you no doubt. He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”.

No way mate. That 40 minute drive is a brilliant physical barrier every time one of mum’s ‘emergencies’ crops up.

I’m pretty tired after working a really hard three day weekend travelling the country as a self employed person. I do a much-coveted job that I adore and have worked too hard to get here to let it go. My hormones are raging (peri) and he’s absolutely touched a nerve. Anyway, I think I’ve nipped that idea in the bud PDQ. He’s gone off sulking now.

Sorry this isn’t very well written, and for the rant…this is one of the only safe spaces that exists for such rage!

You’re angry at him for the wrong reasons. You sound like you need help and you’re resenting your parents. It’s ok to put yourself first sometimes too.

He can buy a big place and care for his own parents!

Damn right I’m angry at my parents…but also angry at myself for giving too much. It’s my time now

I would feel the same as you, OP.

Don't ever capitulate. You can clearly see what your future would be...

It's hard to get out of these situations once you're in them, and sometimes it can feel impossible to leave and go back to how things were. Also, the fact that your OH is terrible with money is a raging red flag (in my opinion) when it comes to living with someone.

Just because we're women it doesn't mean we are there to be nurses for everyone - it seems to be expected by some people, men, in particular. Fuck that noise.

Keep saying no. Stick to your guns. Keep your own place.

@DontBotherJustChooseYourself Amen! I think people are idealistic about these sorts of situations. Imagine if we split up and all my money was tied up in the fantasy big shared property? What a flipping awful mess that would be!

Sorry, run that by me again …

Who would be living in which rooms in this ‘big house’? Who gets the annexe? Where would it be located relative to where everybody lives now??

Who is supposed to put how much into it for what % as (presumably) tenants in common?

(I’m not surprised you’re pissed off btw. I’m just wondering if the relationship is sustainable, I suppose.)

@AnAutumnCrow I’m wondering that myself right now but prepared to walk if that’s the only future he can imagine

Dont move in with anyone while you are menopausal. There will be mass murder and you will end up in female monster mansion wherever that is.
Stay at home.
I divorced my last husband because my menopause made me hate his guts.
I have no regrets either.

DP sounds like he’s after the housing equity while you work 3 8hr shifts every 24 hrs running a free care home. Unpaid.

@Gettingbysomehow absolutely cracking up at “female monster mansion”! Very sage advice re menopausal decision making

It would be hell.

He's already accused you of not caring about your own parents, which simply isn't true - you're just putting in place and exercising perfectly healthy boundaries, so the fact he doesn't see this for what it is... it tells you everything really.

God forbid you 'skive off' to have a day to yourself once in a while when you're all living in this new place together, he'll be accusing you of abandoning his own parents.

@Awfuldaughter thank goodness he suggested that so you could have your epiphany and then go “no”.

No, to the whole lot.

I will always remember my dear Mum saying she did not want me to end up being her carer, bless her.

Keep your ‘castle’ so you can always go home and close the door behind you on everyone and the world!

And, if you want, dump his sorry *rse as well.

Good for you! Saying no does not mean you don’t care.

Why on earth would you be “open minded” about moving in with even just him?
you need to sit him down and have a serious talk, where you tell him it isn’t going to happen.

@Ohnobackagain Thank you for saying this. I know it anyway, but it really helps to hear it from a virtual stranger

”my OH who has suggested him, me and his DPs all sell our properties and buy a huge place with a granny annexe for them….He had the gall to accuse me of not caring about my parents: “wouldn’t it be handy if they were closer, not in the next city, so that when they need me it would be more convenient?”

So does he mean you, him, your parents and his parents? Or what does he mean ‘handy if your parents were closer’? Closer where?

Erm, no. Stay where you are.

And DF lives a very limited bedridden life. DM fought to keep him alive when his time should have come almost three years ago - what is this obsession with keeping people alive? Why not let them drift off with dignity when the time is right?

You are welcome @Awfuldaughter make sure to come back here and read these responses if you ever have a wobble!

@19lottie82 Valid question. I do think him and I will end up living together one day. We’ve talk extensively and honestly about what went wrong before and planned how to make things work better if we decide to go in together in the future. I just had no idea he was going to throw me the curveball about his DPs being part of the deal!

I don't understand @Awfuldaughter Who would the annexe be for? His parents or yours? Your OP is really confusing.

@NoCommentingFromNowOn he means me, him he his DPs live together. My DPs live in a retirement block in the next city, 40 mins away. I had to use every ounce of energy to get them moved out of their disgusting, hoarder house in the red light district to a ‘naice’ modern and safe place.

He thinks I should have moved them closer to me but I’m genuinely happy with a bit of physical distance between us.

I’m not entirely sure where I sit re assisted dying, but I definitely disagree with doing absolutely everything possible to keep really ill elderly people alive. I’m absolutely certain that’s not what I want for myself

Keep fighting the vampires off.

I'd be reconsidering the relationship tbh.

I think you'd be nucking futs to move in with your OH ever. But, is he really the one for you? Where will things be in 10 years? Him with his even older parents? If so, how will that affect your relationship? It's just not for everybody. 🤔

@saraclara apologies for the confusion. I dashed my OP off in a reactive rage.

His DPs are currently fine. This new suggestion has come out of the blue and would mean his DPs, me and him all selling our three current properties to buy one big place.

My own DPs (in the next city) are already established in a retirement place with visiting care, but it took me a sort of breakdown to make that happen and then stand back so that I could get my life back on track.

He was suggesting that along with the big dream property, I should have moved my own DPs more locally so I could be more available to them and also travel less when they need me. Honestly, that 40 minute drive is actually quite healthy as a barrier to driving over to change channels on the TV remote for them.

Does that explain things a bit better? Sorry about my garbled OP 🙂

Absolutely not. Aside from caring for his parents (as well as your own), you mentioned that he's bad with money. No wonder he wants to pool resources with you, he's hoping you'll keep everything financially afloat.

Plus you lived together before and it went wrong. Please don't do it again, it's got disaster written all over it.

YANBU. You know what works for you.

If he wants to move in with his parents that is totally his prerogative. Part of me thinks him just asking the question is fair enough, but I have doubts even about that because I can't see any upsides for you at all. If you wanted to live with anyone presumably you would already be living with him (and not your ILs). He may think he is suggesting a kind and generous thing, but he's offering up YOUR space, money and time , offering your generosity, which is not his to give.