But you’re my carer!

[Dormit]

How do you respond to this? I’m just back off holiday and my mum has asked me to go up (a 30 min walk uphill-I don’t drive) to make her a cup of tea because she’s upset and a bit shakey. When I said no, I got the but you’re my carer retort as though that means drop everything and do what she wants. She’s quite capable of making a cup of tea and food. Hospital has just discharged her and deemed her medically fit and safe and she’s just been on holiday. I’ve explained I’m cooking dinner for my children and can’t get up for a couple of hours. I’ve not had lunch yet today due to being on the phone with her and the hospital and messaging family who have only given me grief. I’ve just come back off a week holiday and feel like I wasn’t supposed to have any time off. Family are saying I shouldn’t take any money for what I do for her (£2 an hour). I’m her official carer and barely get time to eat lunch on days I am there (4-6 days depending) and yet family (who do fuck all) are saying it’s only what any daughter would do. I put in around 40 hours a week and am on call constantly. I do her shopping, gardening, cleaning, cooking, banking and all admin, hospital and GP appointments, transport booking, holiday booking, gift and card buying, DIY, liaising with all professionals and lots and lots of emotional support. I was exhausted and needed that week away and have come back to being told by family that I abandoned her. I organised carers to be there in the days that I wasn’t and she told me she wouldn’t need carers today so I cancelled them. I’m so pissed off.

if you end up burned out because of this who is going to take care of your DC? I’m guessing your siblings wouldn’t step up. Look after yourself and your DC. Wishing you the strength to stand up to them all.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Are you at the same doctors surgery? If you ate then you can link accounts on the NHS App. Im not suggesting you do the thinking for her but it would mean you can check appointments etc without having to rely on her memory.

Very best of luck.

@Binglebongyes, we are, so I’ll ask about that. I can access it from my phone but then it sends a code to mum’s phone to log in which can be a pain. Having them connected would save that bit of pain.

The shit has majorly hit the fan today. My mum has a private appointment that her sister is taking her to. Mum told me my sister is going with them so my aunt has kicked off at mum telling me and is now refusing to take her. Mum and I had agreed yesterday that she’d call me during the appointment so that I can hear what the surgeon says and ask any questions. We’ve done this before with NHS appointments no bother if I haven’t been able to be physically there because it’s school pick up time or similar. Aunt is kicking off that she was going to record the consultation (!) and send it me. She kept butting in to the conversation between my mum and me and said she’s not taking her anymore. Ffs she’s behaving like a child.

Well isn't your aunt just acting like a 5 year old! - I would leave this to your mum to sort out with her sister. Even if you decide you'll take her, I would keep that on the quiet until the day before!

Does your mum have any spare rooms in her house.
https://www.sharemyhome.co.uk/ is a service where she provides free accommodation and someone helps her for 10-15 hours a week.

The appointment was this evening and my aunt has travelled a fair distance to take her after telling her she would get her a private appointment.
I’ve now had emails from the care agency to say my mum rang them to ask for carers to go in but can I tell them more? No. Ask her what she wants because she can’t seem to articulate it to me when I’ve asked her.
Mum’s sister and my sister will happily leave mum tonight and go off to their respective homes regardless of whether or not they think she can manage.

I feel like telling everyone to fuck off. They treat me like shit then act so offended when I bite back.
I remember a good one when I was early 20s and my brother was over and he wanted to go out with his girlfriend and my sister and BIL. They are 10-15 years older than me. They wanted me to babysit my sister’s 4 kids and I said no because I was waiting to see if my friend was free to go out to the cinema/pub/whatever. I was called selfish and difficult and told I’d ruined their evening. I don’t think I babysat again for years after that little show of entitlement. They’d never have thought to invite me out with them. Never did.
I am so angry tonight. The GP is monitoring my blood pressure (I have a machine at home) and thankfully it’s staying normal by some miracle. I could cry though after the last few days. Bastards.

I presume you mean that you receive the pitiful amount that you get for carers allowance - whilst I’m sure it’s very stressful they are kind of right, however awful the money amount is you have to declare you are caring 35 hours a week to receive it though this includes paperwork too not just physical care

@dormit stay strong. Big day for your DD tomorrow, that’s your focus. Sounds like the flying monkeys are already annoyed at having to do one day. The ones with the most to say tend to do the least. You’ve done more than your share, and you’re quite right that if your mum needs more then she needs professional care. You’re on the right path, don’t let them tell you otherwise.

I’m very just been told by aunt that I’m going to be the death of my mum and that it will be all my fault and how immature I am because I’m refusing to unblock her. She wants me to unblock her because she’s decided I should have been included in the appointment yesterday and now wants me to do something regarding the consultant. This from the woman who made the appointment the yesterday and then said she wouldn’t take her. I’m done. My mum asked Dd after telling her her gcse results to speak to me and she’s going on about I’m making her ill and to unblock aunt. I said it’s making me ill too and I’ll phone her back later. I’ll phone her while Dd is out with her dad but mum and aunt have totally put a downer on what was a great day with DD’s results. I’m so proud of her and now feel like I’ve got a weight around my heart dragging me down. I’m anxious. My blood pressure is up and I’m totally overwhelmed. It stops today.

It stops today.
yes, it does.

The flying monkeys have had to actually do something, didn’t like it, so resorting to emotional blackmail. It’s playbook stuff. Stay strong Dormit.

And congratulations to DD, the future is bright ❤️

SS are putting in care immediately and will do an assessment too while they’re at it. I’ve been accused by mum of abandoning her to social services which is just hyperbolic crap. My aunt has said I’m destroying the family. I’m not helping things apparently and it’s my fault anyway. No good deed an all that.

True colours are coming out now, your aunt sounds like a horrible woman. Concentrate on your DD!

I’ve got some comfort food and comfort viewing tv while Dd is out with her dad then it’s hello take away pizza and maybe a film with Dd later.
Im on the verge of tears constantly and despite knowing how awful my family are, it’s still a shock just how nasty.
Thank you for the support. It’s given me the strength to stand up for myself for once.

Looking at the updates, I'd tell them you no longer want to be her carer. Social services have been informed for an assessment. It really isn't worth it for all that hassle and grief.

Good idea

Even better

Okay.. the more I read the more I dislike your mother. She is utterly taking the piss. I suspect that her selfishness is why your other siblings can’t be dealing with her. She became accustomed to having food cooked and tea delivered in hospital and now feels that this routine should still continue at home. The reason she didn’t like the other carers is because you do so much more for her - and cost less. She SHOULD pay you more and respect your home time, but she doesn’t VALUE you. I suspect your ND status mas made you vulnerable to manipulation from your mum. You have become her whipping boy and servant. She has also parentified you, which is absolutely unfair to you and your kids. I think you need to let her know that your phone is being switched off between 6pm and 10am to focus on your kids. Btw, well done to your Dd!

Attendance Allowance is designed to pay for care or extra support due to health conditions

My mum is generally really lovely. She will never stick up for me much with her domineering sister though and other family members. She’s tried telling me that it’s my fault for doing too much and she told me many times to stop work and go home. For the sake of 30 minutes I’m not going to leave a job unfinished if I have time. What’s been exhausting is the mental demands on me. The lack of any time off. The lack of being willing to problem solve anything herself to a greater and greater extent. The helplessness and poor me persona that I can’t be doing with. She wants to do more for herself but doesn’t seem willing or able to actually action that. She is severely disabled by her condition and does need help with meals.

You say 'this stops here' then you describe how you do not like to leave a job unfinished. Make up your mind how many days/hours/ times a week you are happily able to give - get 2 cheap calendars and highlight those times/ or mark them off when you've finished. Put one in each house and Stick to it and don't get drawn in to conversations with your sister and aunt.
The things that grind your gears about your mum cannot be changed. thats the way she is and with her physical difficulties its not going to change

I meant that I wasn’t leaving a job unfinished at the time. I gave up being her carer yesterday and that’s it. No more. I’m done and social services are putting in a care package for her.

Oh that sounds good. As long as you hold your nerve it will work itself out and your mother will just have to pay for it. all the best.