But you’re my carer!

[Dormit]

How do you respond to this? I’m just back off holiday and my mum has asked me to go up (a 30 min walk uphill-I don’t drive) to make her a cup of tea because she’s upset and a bit shakey. When I said no, I got the but you’re my carer retort as though that means drop everything and do what she wants. She’s quite capable of making a cup of tea and food. Hospital has just discharged her and deemed her medically fit and safe and she’s just been on holiday. I’ve explained I’m cooking dinner for my children and can’t get up for a couple of hours. I’ve not had lunch yet today due to being on the phone with her and the hospital and messaging family who have only given me grief. I’ve just come back off a week holiday and feel like I wasn’t supposed to have any time off. Family are saying I shouldn’t take any money for what I do for her (£2 an hour). I’m her official carer and barely get time to eat lunch on days I am there (4-6 days depending) and yet family (who do fuck all) are saying it’s only what any daughter would do. I put in around 40 hours a week and am on call constantly. I do her shopping, gardening, cleaning, cooking, banking and all admin, hospital and GP appointments, transport booking, holiday booking, gift and card buying, DIY, liaising with all professionals and lots and lots of emotional support. I was exhausted and needed that week away and have come back to being told by family that I abandoned her. I organised carers to be there in the days that I wasn’t and she told me she wouldn’t need carers today so I cancelled them. I’m so pissed off.

The guilt is awful. Mum feels abandoned. I feel taken for granted by family and they have been abusive there’s me while doing nothing to help mum themselves. Just dormit will do it all because she doesn’t work. No bloody time to work when I’m doing 40 hours for mum. My mum does appreciate what I’ve been doing for her, I know she does. However, I don’t think she’s ever considered the emotional and mental toll. It’s upsetting seeing her in so much pain and upsetting seeing her get older. She’s mid-80s and knowing she’s not got many years left is difficult to think about. We’ve always done a lot together, especially after my dad died and my husband left (happened within days of my dad dying) so it was natural for me to take care of her. With me doing so much, she has done less and less and become too dependent mentally. It’s going to be hard for her to suddenly start thinking more for herself but she can do it. Physically helping her is one thing and she literally can’t do some things so she needs someone to either do them or help her. It started in lockdown I think. Dormit I’ve not got any milk. I’d have been there that day (we were in a bubble) and she didn’t tell me before I went up. So I’d be having to do an hours extra walk to take her milk. Now I make sure she has plenty on the food delivery order.
The care assessment is Tuesday and she has a list of all the jobs I do so she can show that to them and see what they say about what they can do. She’s without care Monday and Tuesday but I’ve not backed down. My sister isn’t available but she rarely is. Awful aunt might be. I’ve said I’m not taking any money off her again. SS are providing care free of charge but I don’t know how long for. She’s likely going to have surgery that will relieve the pain hopefully but it might not help or might maybe things worse. The surgeon was optimistic though so I think she will go ahead. I’m just waffling here getting my thoughts down but for me it was the way family criticised me and she didn’t stand up to them and agreed that I was making things worse for her and making her ill. A situation of her own making. If she’d have put them straight and stood up for me I’d have happily taken a lesser role with outside help coming in to do meals but after that shitshow of dormit is selfish and going to kill her mum the arrangement ended. It was mutually beneficial, mostly, up until recently and I do actually love what I do for my mum but there’s no coming back from that treatment. I know she’s paid me half her attendance allowance, until this month when she paid more, but that doesn’t mean I’m a servant to her every whim. It’s hard for me to have boundaries after a lifetime of being told how unreasonable I am and people taking the piss out of my kindness. Maybe this is a good thing and mum will gave great carers and I can get back the relationship I had with her to some extent. After this week things won’t be the same though and that makes me very sad. She’s used to seeing my youngest at least once a week snd more in the holidays and she will miss that. Ah it’s shit. Sorry for waffling but I needed to get that out.

I think it's all for the best, OP, and I hope that in the long run you'll manage to put the stressed carer role behind you and regain some of the happier relationship you once had, which ultimately is the most important thing. FWIW I've found the care assessments are very thorough and she won't be left dangling, although this probably varies by postcode. Good luck!

Thank you. I hope so. At the moment I feel very guilty and anxious constantly. It’s interesting this saying no. It’s not something I’ve really done. Last night it was dormit what do I do with these new tablet thingies? I’d told her to start the new dosette box today. It’s 9pm you could have phoned the pharmacy in the day. I can’t see the label to help and she couldn’t see it because despite not being able to read things properly for weeks on end she’s not phoned the opticians for an appointment. She gets herself in a state and then can’t do anything at all. She needs some mental health input really but then will disagree and say she’s fine. I’ll be reiterating that need when I speak to her later. I’ve got her a note book and am going to write in it the things she needs to do.

She needs to struggle to realise how much you do and how much help she needs from carers. Write down everything you do for her, no matter how small. She can give this list to social services.

That’s exactly what I’ve done with the list and told her to give it to them when they come to assess.

She forgot to give them the list 🙄 they are going in for 30 minutes three times a day so don’t have time to cook her the proper meal that my sister says she needs instead of M&S ready meals that she requested I get for her. Nieces have suddenly appeared and said they’ll clean weekly for her and “wouldn’t dream of taking any money for it” which is amazing seeing as their dad stopped doing odd jobs when mum refused to pay him
£20 a go for timings like putting up a shelf or picture. Mum forgets I gave up my job, in part, to look after her. Weekly cleaning they’ve said but one can’t do the next three weekends because she’s away. I’ve told mum what the going rate is which is £18 with one company but they expect you to provide all cleaning products. She wasn’t happy about that. Where were these family members when I was being driven into the ground over the past few years if they can so readily say they’ll now help? I’ve no doubt they’ve been told how awful I am and how I’m refusing to help. I’ve been easily replaced though so that’s good. The carer cooked scrambled egg and peas for mum tonight. Not what I’d call a meal but they haven’t got time to do much. Mum seems both happy and unhappy with the situation but she’s still being off with me. Seems unhappy if I phone her. I’ll maybe phone once a week like my sister does. Her medication hasn’t been delivered like it should have been but I refrained from offering to go and sort it out. I will no longer jump in to help solve every problem that arises. I’m going to see her tomorrow for a social visit. I can imagine she’ll want me to do things while I’m there but I’ll stay strong and say it’s not my job anymore. It’s going to take a lot of willpower on my part to not automatically do things. I’m going to ask a gardener to give me a quote for getting the garden ship shape and then maintaining it.
What is annoying me today is that everybody seems annoyed mum was paying me but what did they think I was living on when I gave up a well paid job to help?!

I'm glad your staying strong, and these rallying cries of ' I'll come and clean' etc won't last, the novelty will soon wear off and they will all go back to their normal carefree lives!

@the5thgoldengirlthank you for your kind words. My mum and I always used to chat on the phone for an hour most days even if we saw each other. She’d always listen to what was going on and she was the first person I’d share news with. I don’t have friends really and we’ve always been close. Now she’s preoccupied with her condition and seems distracted whenever we speak plus I’m definitely in the doghouse. I phone up now and she says “yes, Dormit?” Instead of hello and the conversation is stilted and just weird. She phoned Dd (16) this morning thinking she’d had a missed call from her and asked if she would be seeing her. It’s asked in a kind of demanding way as though expecting it. Dd loves seeing her grandmother and sees her around once a week to once a fortnight on her own. She also comes up with me too so all in all once a week on average. They both enjoy the visits very much. But once it becomes expected it loses something. Dd is also annoyed that my mum said she’d pay her to do jobs and when I said to mum she needed to be very specific with Dd about what and when she’s not followed up on that. She’d offered to pay her to help out and Dd wanted to earn some money so a win for both. Now other granddaughters with well paid full time jobs are saying they’ll do things for free, but on their terms which no doubt won’t actually suit mum. They will say they’ll go on Saturday for example and mum will say they can’t because her friend is going. So the cleaning won’t get done that week because they won’t work around mum, they’ll work around their own work
and lives.
I’m worried what reception I’ll get tomorrow now and I’ll get a row for saying no, that’s not my job anymore. What you won’t even help your mum out? What’s changed? Why are you being difficult? And I’ll be the unreasonable one. Things changed for me when Ds was getting fed up of being at mum’s with me one day and wanted some attention from me. My mum told him she was entitled to my time. I snapped and she said she hadn’t meant it like that but she did. I was her carer therefore she was entitled to my time and attention even though my son was unhappy at me always being busy with granny. It’s the summer holidays and he naturally wants to be with me more. He helps out with taking the bins out and doing the recycling and helps in the garden and mum gives him a pound or two (better paid than me!) but he got fed up of most days being spent at granny’s when he wanted to be at home. School days it was fine but weekends and holidays not so much. Mum has been included in our lives very much and we naturally include her but there’s a wedge between us now and it’s sad.

And to answer your question, nobody was filling my cup. My cup is leaky and cracked and looking rather lacklustre.

This @Dormit

Just stop. Step back. Don’t take any more money. Tell her you can’t be her carer any more as it’s burning you out, and she is taking advantage of you. Point out she has other children and it’s time they started playing a more active role. Tell your mum she has a choice - meals delivered, outside help, or she does everything herself. Don’t allow yourself to damage your own physical, emotional and mental health a minute longer. And tell your siblings the same!

Ah OP, it’s so hard when you’re the ‘default carer’. If she can’t manage alone and has mobility issues then she really should be assessed by Adult Social Services. If she has funds she might initially have to pay for help but when her funds dip below a certain level State support will kick in. As she has a chronic condition she can get help with small tasks like making meals etc (even if she doesn’t need help with personal care). You can then significantly cut back on what you do and just provide support where you feel able to

I oversee the care for my dad but he has carers three times a day. They help him get dressed, make a meal and do little jobs such as washing a few dishes, putting the bins out etc. I don’t live locally but I do all the ‘life admin’, online shopping, bills etc. He also has a cleaner and a lady who collects the washing and returns it next day washed and ironed. He doesn’t have much in the way of funds but with outside support, we make it work.

What a shame that you’ve been expected to take so much of the load on and that’s now changed your relationship with your mum. That’s really sad.
Would you consider going back to work now and getting some of ‘you’ back?

I will have to get a job yes, but I’ve never done well with employment. I now know that’s the autism and adhd. I also have a few chronic physical conditions that saw my sickness record be a huge issue. I burn out very quickly. Working for my mum suited us both almost perfectly until it got too much and family said what they did. I think if she’d have stood up for me against her sister and my sister then things might have co tinned but with outside help taking some of the load off. I’m a single parent in a rented house and am worried about losing the carers element of universal credit. The money from my mum paid for my hobby and days out. I’ll work out my finances later but I will have to get some work. I’ve just no idea what.
Ds has woken up saying he doesn’t want to go up to see granny today which is unusual. He’s worried we will argue or that she will cry. I’ve reassured him on the arguing and I think now that she’s got help for meals there’ll be no crying. She was in a bad way last time we saw her and not managing and got upset. I’m not looking forward to it either to be honest and I hate feeling like that. I’m just worn out. I’m not sleeping well and am skint so it’s no surprise.
Im expecting some guilt tripping today but I’ll tell her straight to stop. I was going to get the garden up to standard but it wrecks my abreast knackered back so I’m not. It would take me around 15 hours to get it the way I’d be happy with it so about £300 of work by my estimate. It will be very interesting to see what the gardener comes back with.

I’m not familiar with pip and wouldn’t have thought I’d be eligible seeing as how much I was doing for my mum and I don’t need help myself.

Thank you. I will do that.
I’ve just met one of the carers and she’s bloody awful. Spent ten minutes talking about how the tea time call isn’t working and how all suggestions to make it work wouldn’t possibly work. She sounded bolshy and lazy and she was talking about care costs and how mum would need to pay and what we need to tell SS in front of my ten year old which is inappropriate. She talked about mum to me rather than to her which I didn’t like. She’s right here with us you know. Plus she talked to me like I was dense. She said she’d only got time to make a cup of tea. Yes because you’ve been talking office politics and shit for ten minutes. Then ate left 5 minutes early. Some carers are just awful.

Oh and £650 to get the garden up to standard!