But you’re my carer!

[Dormit]

How do you respond to this? I’m just back off holiday and my mum has asked me to go up (a 30 min walk uphill-I don’t drive) to make her a cup of tea because she’s upset and a bit shakey. When I said no, I got the but you’re my carer retort as though that means drop everything and do what she wants. She’s quite capable of making a cup of tea and food. Hospital has just discharged her and deemed her medically fit and safe and she’s just been on holiday. I’ve explained I’m cooking dinner for my children and can’t get up for a couple of hours. I’ve not had lunch yet today due to being on the phone with her and the hospital and messaging family who have only given me grief. I’ve just come back off a week holiday and feel like I wasn’t supposed to have any time off. Family are saying I shouldn’t take any money for what I do for her (£2 an hour). I’m her official carer and barely get time to eat lunch on days I am there (4-6 days depending) and yet family (who do fuck all) are saying it’s only what any daughter would do. I put in around 40 hours a week and am on call constantly. I do her shopping, gardening, cleaning, cooking, banking and all admin, hospital and GP appointments, transport booking, holiday booking, gift and card buying, DIY, liaising with all professionals and lots and lots of emotional support. I was exhausted and needed that week away and have come back to being told by family that I abandoned her. I organised carers to be there in the days that I wasn’t and she told me she wouldn’t need carers today so I cancelled them. I’m so pissed off.

You’ve been brilliant and your family sound horrible. I hope you find a rewarding job - did you consider being a professional carer yourself? It would be better paid and without the guilt and anxiety.

Thank you. She has an assisted bin collection already that I organised last summer. The air fryer I’ve recommended is the mini oven one. She’s fine with her meds and has an Alexa to remind her should she forget. She scrubbing at drinking anything cold and would drink coffee all day which upsets her stomach 🙄 there’s a flask that she could make up in a morning so that she has a hot drink ready made up for the day. She doesn’t use it. She has care call with a pendant that she wears so she’s got that if she falls. She’s got a trolley on wheels provided by OT for transporting hot drinks and meals and uses this. The carers are putting the washing in and hanging it out but by the time lunch time comes at 1pm they’ve missed the best drying time. She’s got a heated airer but they never put the dehumidifier on.
Today they’ve given her soup for lunch which is fine but I reminded her yesterday there’s meat that needs using up.

There is black mould hence the dehumidifier. If SS say she’s only getting half hour visits they won’t have time to do more than a quick meal and wash up. The breakfast one puts washing on and the lunch time one hangs it out or on the maiden. There’s no time for cleaning the floors or cleaning the fridge but new found golden gd will do that I think seeing as it was my job and she’s now doing the cleaning. I’ve not checked the smoke alarm so I’ll get that sorted. The boiler is serviced once a year. I think it’s due next month. She’s got a vmcwrbon monoxide alarm. There’s a key safe with keys to the front and back doors. She’s got a window cleaner but he only does outside.

So, two rooms got cleaned today. Not sure if the floors got mopped. It’s only a small bungalow. No dusting done. Buns not done. Bed not changed. That awful carer was back today going on about how mum needs to pay for her care and how social services basically put names of care agencies in a hat and pick one for each person. So inappropriate and in front of the gd too. My mum is too nice and looks at things in the surface and wouldn’t think of how inappropriate that is. The carer has been really stressing my mum out over this having to pay thing. Nobody is in the office until Monday so I don’t know if I can do anything until then but they’ll be told that she is not to go to my mum’s again. I don’t trust her at all.

You are going to have to keep stepping back or your dm won't get any additional help and everyone will leave it all to you. It's very hard doing all the care as you've discovered. Your dm wasn't paying you a fair rate. I would press on with getting a job ASAP as it will bring it home to your dm that things are changing. There are things she can do to look after herself which she hasn't been doing.

Are your aunt and sister looking to get their hands on inheritance? Is that why they are squeezing you out?

Inheritance will be split between mum’s 4 dc equally. Aunt is very wealthy.

I’m executor of her will along with my brother but he lives far away so guess who will be doing it all 🙄 he’ll do what he can but it will be limited due to him being far away, his health and “he works”. I would prefer a solicitor to do it but that will cost a lot I imagine. It would ensure that things were fair and that nothing is withheld from anyone (incase mum changes it to my sister) and would mean that nobody was on my case about anything. The funeral will also be down to me and brother to sort. She’s funeral plan but I’ve asked her to write her wishes down so that nobody is moaning at me as to why are we having the wake here? Why this? Why that? The hymns would be wrong, the flowers wrong. I’m not even sure I’d go to her funeral because of the family. I’d go to church but not the wake. So I’ve told her it needs to be somewhere I can walk home from with the dc and escape to grieve alone.

No one. I’ve done an online request to the GP to ask for a couple of months to rest and said how exhausted I am. I’ve given lots of details in that request so they will know exactly what’s what.

I still can’t believe that only 2 rooms were cleaned yesterday. It’s a small bungalow with 5 rooms in total. It’s not cluttered and is pretty quick to whizz through if you put your mind to it if you’re in a hurry.
Mum really isn’t able to get out at the moment so things can’t be done when she’s not there and she can’t come here due to the stairs. I don’t drive and neither does she. I’ve said I’ll get her a wheelchair and take her into the city to go shopping one day next month when Ds is on his residential with school. We can get the train. It will do her good to get out and actually look in shops rather than online.

Awful carer won’t be returning so that’s a result. I’m in trouble over that. In trouble for booking the physio appointment but they phoned me not me phoned them! In trouble for getting a cleaning quote yet mum said to go ahead. I reminded her what cleaning needed doing )the other 2/3s) and she said that’s too much for other GD to do but then said they’d be cross if she got proper cleaners. Ffs

I think some people like your mum (maybe it has something to do with age / sense of vulnerability, or something) need to have someone else to blame for things - as they don’t like ‘making a fuss’ for themselves. So it might be the only way she can square it with her own conscience (by blaming you, putting responsibility on your shoulders). I’ve seen this before with other older family members. However, I’ve found that it somehow miraculously shifts when the thing has been put in place - it is then seen as a good thing, and your role in it is not at all mentioned, and they almost seem to take the credit for it themselves. Sometimes you just have to humour this - it is very frustrating though!

You are doing really well… maybe keep a list of things you have achieved / arranged / stepped back from, so you can look at it from time to time whenever you feel bad. Good luck!

I have read everything you have written and I think you are absolutely amazing.
You are in the tricky turbulent waves of change where you want to still visit and help your ma but not to the previous slavery conditions.
She might not verbally appreciate how spectacularly above and beyond helpful you have been, but it is slowly percolating into her consciousness.

You are doing the right thing in stepping back, hold your nerve and hopefully things will settle into fairer shares of care and the friendship between you will be restored.

Mum is now in hospital after seeing the physio today. The physio felt the condition had worsened with red flags so my sister has had to accompany her and do everything needed. I was at the hospital with Ds for his ASD/adhd assessment so couldn’t do anything anyway. I did tell the carer agency.
My GP responded and kindly listened to my written information and didn’t insist on a face to face as I said I’d just cry. She’s signed me off for 2 months to rest so that’s a relief at least. Mum was being weird about me still doing things but I had to point out that there’s no other bigger who would do certain things and in this transition phase I still need to do stuff. I got accused of taking over her decisions and she’s left out of decisions which isn’t true because she’s asked me to do things like get cleaner quotes. I have no issue helping in these small ways, it was the sheer amount of mental load I was carrying that was too much.
It did make me laugh that she said going two thirds of the cleaning was too much for her GD to do in one day yet I am 20 years older and was expected to do the whole house plus shopping plus gardening plus medication plus everything else.
Oh, and she was most upset by me writing emotional support as one of the things I do for her. She tried saying what about all the times I’ve given you support. So I had to explain that children don’t owe their parents that kind of support whereas it’s natural for parents to support their child. The child supporting the parent is the wrong way round. She didn’t like that at all.

Oh wow, yet another part of the roller coaster ride .... your next battle will be to not accept your mum back home unless she has the proper care package - your key phrase here is 'unsafe discharge' .... mind you if your sister is with your mum then they may have her contact details anyway.

I spoke with mum and the surgeon on the phone this afternoon and he agreed to admit her so she can be fully assessed and see the consultant she’s under. He was a lovely doctor and understood the safety issue. She needs surgery and I think they will keep her in until she has it. Once discharged she’ll get a full care package for 6 weeks plus physio and maybe OT. After that we will see and assess nearer the time.
My sister “had to get back” so didn’t stay with her until she saw the surgeon.
I’ve update her lovely physio and the family we chose to have.
I had an email follow up from the care agency manager to say she’d spoken to the awful carer and basically she’d denied everything except saying about but having time to cook a proper meal. I replied to the email with written examples of what she had said in front of me, my child and mum and what mum
said she’d said over the weekend. I can’t stand liars. I’ll update social services in the morning.
I feel better knowing that I have done breathing space. Obviously I am
still doing a lot albeit remotely but it’s still headspace and I feel much calmer and less stressed. The fit note helps hugely so thank you for suggesting the GP. She’s signposted to their well being team and MH services. I’d explained I wasn’t depressed just exhausted and I’m not depressed. Just anxious but I’ve been anxious all my life and it’s worse due to the burnout and thinking I’ve got to get a job RIGHT NOW or be spending 30 hours a week job hunting or whatever they’d want me to do. At the moment I’m probably still doing enough hours to count as official carer and get the carers element of UC. I’m keeping a log of what I’m doing. I spoke with the care agency, cleaning company and physio this morning. It took me over half an hour to email the care agency and then being on the phone to the hospital doctor was another 15 minutes, plus updating the physio. I’d taken a book to my son’s spirt lesson and spent the whole time emailing and speak to the doctor which is quite typical of what I do during his sport sessions or when not actually with my mum. I probably do as much at home as I do with her.
For now I’m playing things by ear and hoping that surgery is possible and that it will help her. She’s been in horrendous pain and it’s been awful to see. She’s on large amounts of opiates and still in severe pain.