But you’re my carer!

[Dormit]

How do you respond to this? I’m just back off holiday and my mum has asked me to go up (a 30 min walk uphill-I don’t drive) to make her a cup of tea because she’s upset and a bit shakey. When I said no, I got the but you’re my carer retort as though that means drop everything and do what she wants. She’s quite capable of making a cup of tea and food. Hospital has just discharged her and deemed her medically fit and safe and she’s just been on holiday. I’ve explained I’m cooking dinner for my children and can’t get up for a couple of hours. I’ve not had lunch yet today due to being on the phone with her and the hospital and messaging family who have only given me grief. I’ve just come back off a week holiday and feel like I wasn’t supposed to have any time off. Family are saying I shouldn’t take any money for what I do for her (£2 an hour). I’m her official carer and barely get time to eat lunch on days I am there (4-6 days depending) and yet family (who do fuck all) are saying it’s only what any daughter would do. I put in around 40 hours a week and am on call constantly. I do her shopping, gardening, cleaning, cooking, banking and all admin, hospital and GP appointments, transport booking, holiday booking, gift and card buying, DIY, liaising with all professionals and lots and lots of emotional support. I was exhausted and needed that week away and have come back to being told by family that I abandoned her. I organised carers to be there in the days that I wasn’t and she told me she wouldn’t need carers today so I cancelled them. I’m so pissed off.

I spoke to the care agency and they weren’t impressed with what I told them.

Priorites are certainly the thing. I’ve kept mum in a high standard these past few years and knowing that won’t be maintained will be hard for her. It look a lot of self restraint not to do jobs today but I stuck it out.
I mentioned about the granddaughter doing the cleaning weekly and she looked confused and said she hadn’t said that and that gd had just said to phone if she wanted anything doing. So that’s a cock up already. The house needs a good clean and Hoover. The bed needs changing. The bins need emptying. Laundry needs doing. The garden is a mass of mare’s tails.
The gardener who gave the quote is the one who does her hedges twice a year. I sent him videos. He said about putting weed killer down though and disagreed when I said that would kill the plants as well as the weeds. It’s a full days work for 2 people plus waste disposal.
Mum got annoyed with me and repeatedly said that she didn’t understand why I’d suddenly quit and why I’d never said it was getting too much. I explained again, three times, that it was the treatment of me by her sister and my sister that was the final straw. She says that didn’t mean I had to just drop her so I said she’s not been dropped because I sorted out SS to provide carers for her and she’s had other people go round. What she’s thinking is that it’s not the same as me who was so used to her needs that I could anticipate them before she knew herself.
She’s been able to sort out her medication issues with the pharmacy and that’s a positive. There were so many jobs I took in because I was going there for myself or passing when she could have done it herself.

Stick with it @Dormit do what others do, get a security camera if needed - my friend can make sure her mum is ok and when carers go in and out. Others have the allowance paid direct to the local authority’s chosen care provider but I know some where they engage their own choice of ‘care provider’ and they are paid from the allowance. Please don’t end up taking it on yourself to do the caring because you feel it is not up to standard - just leave it. Otherwise you will be back where you started.

Just as an aside to care issues. Re the garden....winter is coming. Personally, I would go around the garden and pin down areas where where weeds are growing with black bags or other weed suppressant fabric. I know you want it looking pristine, but just try to minimize as much as possible. Take care of yourself, please. You really can't do it all. To minimise your feelings of guilt, when you are with your Mum, do tiny little jobs without telling anyone, and ones that your Mum can't see. Please, take care of yourself. It is such an emotional situation. Xx

There’s a camera for outside. There’s no way she’ll agree to cameras inside but our Alexa devices are connected so that’s something.
That’s a good idea about the garden. The last gardener wanted to do that and mum didn’t want her to because it looked ugly. We have a really good hardware store locally that delivers for free so I’ll look into that.
Gd is going tomorrow to clean so I’ve asked mum if that’s every week and long term ie what she was supposed to be checking yesterday. She said she didn’t realise she was supposed to ask her that and wasn’t sure it would be long term. Well, it needs doing weekly like I’ve been doing it for over 3 years so why wouldn’t you ask her that? I think she realises she’ll say no she doesn’t want to and her one day off cleaning for granny. She’s asked me what cleaners charge and the one quote so far is going to be just short of £200 a month maybe less if they can do it quickly like I did. Depends on how thorough they are. Then with the gardener, the physio she needs, the care she’ll need to pay towards etc she’s looking at around £1000 a month for the basics. I think she’s realising the bargain she got with me 😂 and isn’t happy about it especially as people don’t do things like I do. I might sound conceited but I think it’s the autism that demands I do things to a specific standard and mum now sees anything less as not good enough. She’s been spoilt really.
Im enjoying time with my children and catching up a bit at home. I’ve been returning a pair of sandals for the past two months and have finally got round to doing it today. Just having lazy mornings is doing me good.

I agree. She wants a servant not a carer.

Sorry OP, no advice but selfishly I’m hopping on here as I’m in a similar position and finding the advice illuminating.

Resign your role as her Carer. Stop the allowance. Stop accepting money. And tell her and your siblings that you're done. They've all been so critical, you're sure they can sort it better amongst themselves.

Block them if you have to for a while.

I have already stopped being her carer and accepting money.

Would social services provide a cleaner? I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t. She seems convinced that her granddaughter will clean weekly but then in the next conversation says she’s not asked her to do it beyond tomorrow and will discuss it with her tomorrow. I think she needs to face up to having to pay the going rate for a cleaner because at the moment she’s seeing that her money will soon disappear. Her physio is great and someone I know personally but she’s private, not NHS so it’s about £60 a week for that. She needs physio weekly to keep her on the straight and narrow with her exercises and posture and also because the consultant said how important it is. The NHS won’t provide it though.

Im totally confused now and its late but recently when i asked SS for an assessment for mum saying I was at breakdown point they essentially said because she could wash and dress herself then she wouldn’t be entitled to any help from them. Then when I said I’m not doing this they’ve put urgent care in place to assess but it’s only for a maximum of 2 weeks. They are assessing at the end of next week for a plan going forward but seem under the impression that any care she needs is short term and she needs to be more independent. All well and good but there’s some things she really can’t do like change the bed. She could dust or wipe surfaces at a basic level but not vacuum or mop. She’s not really adapted to using her rollator to do anything other than walk about the house and do the basics. She’s can get herself a basic meal and hot drinks. It’s painful but she can do it. So it will be interesting to see what social services say after their assessment. Knowing how many hours I was doing they decided 1.5 hrs a day was all they were doing for this two weeks.

Just feeling a bit sad and cross tonight. Mum doesn’t phone me anymore to chat and doesn’t message as much either. I think she’s definitely sulking even though she’d deny it. I know she’s feeling hurt that I’ve said I’m not doing all the work anymore but she did say if it got too much to say. At least she’s being forced to reassess things and prove to herself that there are things she can do herself. I think she’s feeling panicked and maybe a little guilty too now that she knows how much she’s put into me and by default the children. Ds got so upset the other day with her and with me because he’d said he didn’t want to go incase we argued. Plus he’s upset with granny for being mean to me. His words. He usually loves being there and helping out for pocket money and is very close with my mum. Dd is very close to her too and shares all her secrets and gossip with mum. If the sulking and semi-silent treatment continues past the weekend I’ll be calling her out on it because I’m not tolerating it. There’s been no understanding of how I feel about things, only guilt tripping and recrimination.
The good news is that financially I’m ok without the money she was giving me. Without the carers element of UC things will be tricky but I’ve made a claim for pip on the advice from poster(s) here and have started looking for a job. I’ll see the GP or more likely do an online triage form because I just need a rest. Well as much of a rest as being a single mum of 3 with additional needs with additional needs herself along with chronic health conditions gets 😂 No matter what, I always keep my sense of humour and can find light in the darkness.
I really appreciate the support here, thank you.

If she is paying you to "work" even if its a stupidly low amount then you need to.
Either be her daughter and give her whatever time you can spare or be her carer and do what you are paid to
Obviously she is paying you too little so thats what you need to tackle OR stop taking money from her at all and change the relationship

Everything is well documented and has been repeated to SS. The OT has discharged her because everything is in place. She has an adapted bathroom and step lift to outside. She has a perch stool but can sit on her rollator to do things or take things like veg through to the dining table and prepare them there. She’s just not capable of any of the thinking this requires it seems and doesn’t like things out on the sides saying it’s cluttered but if it’s out it means she can reach it. I’ve suggested an air fryer but she’s not sure. It would mean things can be cooked much faster and she won’t need to bend down to the oven. Very resistant to change. It took ages to get her to agree to the bathroom being changed and the step lift.
She is in England to the poster who asked.
Im not getting any sense out of her over whether or not gd can do the cleaning weekly indefinitely so I’ve decided sod it and am leaving her to it. Next time the cleaning companies call I’ll give them her number.