But you’re my carer!

[Dormit]

How do you respond to this? I’m just back off holiday and my mum has asked me to go up (a 30 min walk uphill-I don’t drive) to make her a cup of tea because she’s upset and a bit shakey. When I said no, I got the but you’re my carer retort as though that means drop everything and do what she wants. She’s quite capable of making a cup of tea and food. Hospital has just discharged her and deemed her medically fit and safe and she’s just been on holiday. I’ve explained I’m cooking dinner for my children and can’t get up for a couple of hours. I’ve not had lunch yet today due to being on the phone with her and the hospital and messaging family who have only given me grief. I’ve just come back off a week holiday and feel like I wasn’t supposed to have any time off. Family are saying I shouldn’t take any money for what I do for her (£2 an hour). I’m her official carer and barely get time to eat lunch on days I am there (4-6 days depending) and yet family (who do fuck all) are saying it’s only what any daughter would do. I put in around 40 hours a week and am on call constantly. I do her shopping, gardening, cleaning, cooking, banking and all admin, hospital and GP appointments, transport booking, holiday booking, gift and card buying, DIY, liaising with all professionals and lots and lots of emotional support. I was exhausted and needed that week away and have come back to being told by family that I abandoned her. I organised carers to be there in the days that I wasn’t and she told me she wouldn’t need carers today so I cancelled them. I’m so pissed off.

I’ve enquired about a week of respite care but told her it’s a minimum of £1000. She doesn’t see why she’d need respite care. She asks me what’s changed as in why are you putting boundaries in place? I’ve told her she’s become more and more needy and I can’t do the level of care she needs. I’ve told her she’s got to be more active as per all the professionals; go out socially to one of the groups run for older people locally; get back to her seated exercise class next month when it restarts; make sure she does her back exercises daily; stop with the emotional manipulation shit; learn how to use her phone to google; stop relying on me to think for her. She forgot to give me a birthday card to post today and I was in such a rush I forgot. She’s not mentioned it and I’m not doing so either. This is exactly the kind of thing I don’t need to do for her. I’ll post it, even buy it, but I’m not doing any thinking around it. That’s her responsibility.

I appreciate how hard this is for you, especially given it’s all about family dynamics. But you say you have taken a step back today and then state that your DD has gone up there. That’s still your family carrying the load. You need to stop for your children’s sake if not for yourself. Stop and see what happens. Who would she ring if you didn’t answer?

I would not do this with 3 other siblings, run myself to the ground so when my mum dies, the other 3 just grab their share of home and assets having sown nothing in it.

Ouch

you have to move her to 55plus appartment. She cannot sit home and suddenly stop thinking or move her ass to the stove for a cup of tea. That is ridiculous.

Why your siblings treat you in such a way?

Just for clarity, Dd went to see her grandmother because she enjoys a chat over tea, not because she had to. We were going up together but she said she’d prefer to go later as she likes one to one time with grandma.

@TheGoldoffEternalwho knows why anyone is abusive? They’ve always been like that once I stopped being so well behaved and developed my own opinions and didn’t keep quiet about things like my dad drink driving with me in the car.

Respite care is £1080 a week so she’ll say no to that.
Stepping back today is telling g her she’s responsible for her own prescriptions. She forgets to tell me she’s running out and then I’m running round between the GP and pharmacy fixing the situation. Doing it herself might force her to be more organised. I don’t see why she can’t do her own online shop either. Me being so competent allows her to be incompetent when there’s no reason why she can’t do it herself.

Does her regular pharmacy have a service for vulnerable patients? We weren’t told about this by the GP, but had similar issues to you, and discussing it with the pharmacy, they said they could put my Mum on their register of vulnerable patients, and I think this means that they actually request the repeat prescriptions from the GP on Mum’s behalf, and they also do a home delivery service for the meds. If there is a problem (or a change needed), then Mum can call the pharmacy, who will adjust / change etc. The pharmacy seems much easier to get in contact with (than the GP), and they have been extremely helpful.

Does your parent have a smartphone? Can you set up reminders on it, that will pop up when she needs to order repeat prescriptions, or whatever? Or is she reliant on a paper diary - if so you can fill in the diary for the rest of the year with reminders for when she needs to re-order repeat prescriptions. I have stuck useful phone numbers on the outside cover of the diary as well, to make it super-easy.

Maybe a gradual start with external support is needed, perhaps a carer for a couple of hours a week, paid for privately? (Rather than a full week of respite care, straight off the bat)

Apply for this for your DM
It is not means tested
She can spend 9n anything to make her lif3 easier

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Apply this for yourself
Is means tested

www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

Some local pharmacys will deliver medicines free of charge, you just need to fill out a form.
Make some enquiries locally
One less job for you

I did this for a relative when I lived several hours away
Relative liked to chat with the person who made the deliveries

Start getting some external help in eg cleaner who likes chatting
More chatting, than cleaning

Get a local recommendation for the cleaner

I’ve sorted out medicine deliveries and dosette boxes.
Her physical condition is a lot worse than originally known-we got some test results back today and it could be life changing. We will know more after seeing the consultant. It’s no wonder she’s been struggling so much. The outcome of the consultant appointment will guide what help she needs short and long term.
Thank you for all the suggestions, especially those which were with kindness rather than blame.

Ah, just as you were starting to hope for change. It’s always the way. Everything crossed it’s the least bad option. You still need to prioritise your DC and yourself. You’re not an only child.

@Dormit , whilst your DM may be worse than you realised, this is could the opportunity to press the rest button with her care.
Whilst no-one wants bad news, this could be the time to say you cannot cope and cannot provide any more care. Having been in your shoes it's not until you almost breakdown that the 'services' step in. Please advocate for your self , your mums care is not all on you

Does it never click with her that what you do for £100 per week, would cost £1080 if professional carers did it and they wouldn't do the garden or clean her house?

I’m not sure it ever does. She just think La it’s very expensive but doesn’t relate that to me.
I’ve been asked today (on my day off and when another family member is with her) to contact the care agency and see if they can start care tomorrow. I’ve given her the number and said no. I’m expecting ting huge backlash.
I told her last night I’m not taking any money anymore and write out the jobs I do so that she can compile a job description after she got upset and said she’d get someone else. She doesn’t want anyone else to help her. I get that because it’s not nice having strangers help you when family know you well but my foot is down. I’ll help her but I’m not breaking my back to do it. The one who has been vile to me this week is the one there today so she can deal with stuff.

Not RTFT so apols if am repeating, but do you know you’re entitled to a carers assessment/ support from your local carers associstion? They will really help you access more help and benefits AND to step back if that’s what you want.

If your mum is abusive then you actually need to uninvolve yourself. Also you would be entitled to support as a ND person. You need to concentrate on your kids and their particular needs, and indeed on your own needs.

I think your mum is confusing carer with slave?! That's ridiculous behaviour, if she's that bad then she needs professional carers or to go into a home! I'm my father's carer and I have boundaries too because I work, have children and pets. I do his garden, bins, food shop, medical appointments and prescriptions. He comes over most Sundays for a roast dinner. He only has to make his own food and clean, he is capable and needs to move around. He complains alot and expects me to take him out on trips/meals/holidays but I don't have any time left!

I'm on holiday at the moment (first one in 2 years!), offered him respite and he refused. Have stocked up on his medication and food, but he was panicking and telling me not to go away!!! I am not a slave, he is lucky I help him but I have a life too. You need to think the same way. Your family and children matter too.

My relative used to pay for
Weekly cleaner
Gardener occasionally
Window cleaner

Now I do it all for free !

Plus I take them to appointments, holidays

But sometimes I say NO !