Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@countrygirl99 sounds sensible, no point making things harder. There are watchers- often highly opinionated and full of excuses- and doers (the likes of you and me), and sometimes the doers just have to make sensible decisions for themselves.

In short, if he can’t be bothered to do anything of use, then fuck him, he gets no input.

Hospice and district nurses seem set in keeping MIL in bed but she’s much happier sitting in the sitting room. DH had a run in with one this afternoon and didn’t do as he was told. Said to her we’re not hiding MIL away to rot in her bed.

Hope it’s good @countrygirl99. Mum being 15 mins away as opposed to an hour away gave me a large chunk of my life back.

When we were looking for DM's care home by the time we had met specific requirements: purpose built and near a bus stop (DB doesn't drive) we were left with a Hobson's Choice of one.

Of course DB didn't go and look, that was left to DD and me. Now every single text I get from him includes some sort of minor complaint about the care home.

DM's memory test is set for next month. We will see where that takes us.

Strength to all!

@GnomeDePlume goldenballs hasn't seen a single care home but is pushing for one of the grottiest purely because it's in the same town as one of his DC so he'll have somewhere to stay on his annual visit. Sadly he has sole POA but if he insists on that one I shall say all arrangements and accompanying to any hospital visits etc are down to him. But if she goes to that home he'll try and bully me into that. If she goes to one near me he will nit pick about "important" stuff like the colour of the curtains or something. But given he insists I'm local to mum (reality I'm an hour away) I shall throw that back at him when (not if) he complains it's further from his DC so harder for their occasional visits.

We had the opposite BIL visited about 10 care homes so he could make an assessment of "what good looks like". His good was "it looks like a luxury hotel but no idea what the care itself is like". He wasn't happy when we pushed for what he decided was the worst care home of all of them.

Anyway FIL is happy and settled as it turns out the dementia care aspect was more important than having a chandelier in the entrance hallway.

Is it too early for wine? I’ve got a separate thread going as didn’t want to invade this one. My sort of relaxing holiday was ended with a stressful A&E visit for mum who’d ignored red flags while on her holiday so of course I was then left with the fall out from that except I was partway through an 11 hour journey home and couldn’t really do anything. I’ve had the “but you’re my carer!” guilt trip several times since I got back. I’m not sure what people think that means but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t mean being there or on call 24/7 and mum not thinking for herself or doing anything for herself. My family think I should be making her 3 meals a day. She can make her own and when am I supposed to do my own meals and for my children? I’ve blocked my nasty auntie and will be blocking my sister today. I’ve no doubt that when mum dies they will expect me to do everything but complain about all the decisions I make. My ok brother, who has been sticking up for me, is also executor, but isn’t in great health and lives far away to be of much help. I’m putting down some boundaries today with mum and I doubt it will go well.
Hugs and drinks all round

I wonder what proportion of blocked numbers relate to rows over elderly parents. The only reason I don't block goldenballs is because he controls her money and I frequently need to buy stuff for her and need reimbursing. Not that I do anything you understand because he does absolutely everything (even though he moved to the other end of the country and visits once a year) and if I do do the occasional thing it's wrong or causes him massive hassle (like paying me back via an online payment).

Mum controls her own money although when I got the carers in, with her permission, she tried saying she didn’t even know what her own money was being spent on. I pointed out no one else can even access her banking app.
My family, except my brother, don’t think I’m doing enough to earn my £2 something an hour they mum pays me. The same family who won’t even drive 3 miles to go and sit with her in A&E when I’m hundreds of miles away. According to my auntie, all the things I do are just what any daughter would do. Except my sister doesn’t and that’s ok. It’s a full time job looking after my mum. I clean, garden, do DIY, shopping, gift and card buying and sending, watering the garden which takes an hour, all appointments, all her emails and organising her bills being paid, sorting her fuel price fixing, liaising with professionals, decorating at Christmas and organising the tree delivery, cooking meals she can reheat/stocking the freezer, organising her meals, researching adaptations and getting them sorted, lots and lots of emotional support, nail care, booking restaurants, taxis, other transport, prescriptions, medication organising and reminding, accompany her on trips to the shops and garden centre as well as appointments, make sure she’s safe and sorted if I’m not going to be there, arrange for people to go in if I’m not around, remind her to pay bills or do it for her, finding tradesmen like gardeners for doing things like cutting the big hedge, window cleaners, decorators and whatever else comes up.
I’ve just had the are you coming up or not? I’ve told her I’ll be up so I’ve repeated that and she’s hung up on me! Ffs, I can do without this shit.

@dormit that sounds awful. I feel like our sole purpose is to be wrong. Look after yourself.

I wonder what proportion of blocked numbers relate to rows over elderly parents.
Quite a few here. I’m NC with my selfish witch of a mother, and her flying monkey family are slowly racking up on my blocked list.

It’s interesting from a psychology point of view to see how the family dynamics are playing out the same now as when I was a child. I was always the problem, always the scapegoat and always the messenger that got killed over and over. My siblings are all much older than me. I was to blame for all my parents’ arguments and issues (not my dad’s alcoholism and now obvious ND, their piss poor financial management and poor choices in general). I got the blame for my mum’s heart attack (an argument over my dad’s drinking and treatment of me preceded this), I was told at 14 that I’d cause my sister a miscarriage because I was so “difficult” when actually extremely anxious and in autistic overwhelm and shutdown with school refusal thrown in along with an eating disorder for good measure. A few years ago my sister and one brother decided they would allow me to be their sister if I changed who I was. I told them to get fucked. I’ve since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and now see my childhood through very different eyes and see my difficulties abc school refusal etc for exactly what it was. My mum is very disappointed I chose to cut off my two siblings instead of acknowledging their shit treatment of me. My niblings now don’t have anything to do with me incase they upset their parent by contacting me. They are all adults. Ah well. My mental health improved drastically when I cut my siblings off and I don’t miss them at all.

It is a full time job. I don’t know what I imagined retirement being like but it wasn’t this.
Today I was up at 7:30 to request a GP call back, down to the surgery to collect a urine sample pot, up to Mums to persuade her to fill said pot ahead of appointment with nurse and GP this afternoon, made her lunch and a bit of further headway with decluttering then two hours at the surgery waiting to see various professionals. She’s had a full MOT though and possibly has fluid on her lungs. More tests needed.
Got home at 4.

A few years ago my sister and one brother decided they would allow me to be their sister if I changed who I was. I told them to get fucked.

Good for you. But you know your mum is on ‘their side’. Tell her to get fucked as well. They’re all doing very nicely out of having you conditioned to be grateful for the crumbs from the table. When you go NC/LC it’s guilt city central for a short time (no worse than you’re suffering now) and then it lifts and life is better. Your siblings are her kids too, and they’re ‘better’ so they should be doing it.

@BestIsWest irs ridiculous how long simple things take. I hope the fluid is a red herring, or quickly resolved.

@Dormit that's interesting what you say about playing out old family dynamics. At a much milder level I am seeing the same with my DBs.

As 'baby sister' (age 58) I'm allowed to do admin and practical jobs. DB1 is 'in charge'. He is the one who knows. However he does no research. He cannot accept that anyone knows better than him. He won't Google anything so makes assumptions.

DB2 visits DM infrequently and is detached from the whole thing.

DM changed her will a while back meaning that her estate (if there is anything left) skips a generation and will be split amongst DGCs. I think DB2 is still angry about this. He's permanently broke and had hopes, now dashed, of inheriting something from DM.

Nothing much has changed since childhood. DB1 being all knowing, DB2 being broke and me with DH's support being the practical, pragmatic one.

@GnomeDePlume sounds pretty much like my family dynamics

@BestIsWestl hope the fluid soon dissipates. Is she on water tablets as the older generations call them?

I’ve just collapsed into bed feeling unwell. I’ve had a headache for about a month now. I’m prone to them but this is sinus related. I was away from our cat for a week and this often flares up my previously disappeared allergy. Or it’s hayfever or a cold. I didn’t sleep well on holiday due to lumpy no support beds plus most of the windows didn’t open so it was stuffy. The let had those big sort of sash windows they open about 2ft so anyone could climb in. I was in a very low crime area but it wasn’t going to leave a massive window open to find myself murdered in my sleep. I’ve read too many crime books! It’s good to be back in my own bed with the cat curled up with me. I think I just need some space after a no time alone for a week.

@dormit no, not yet though the doctor did suggest them as an option. More urine, blood tests and xray first.
I’m absolutely exhausted.

@dormit and @BestIsWest sebding beans and solidarity.

I’ve raised the white flag and requested an occupational health referral at work. I’m either crying, raging, or empty. I can’t keep this up, but I have to. The sad thing is it’s not for much longer, but that makes it worse. All of us on here are that frog in the pot of heating water.

🍷 but ☕️ because I’m at work (hiding in my car for lunchtime).

It's not a white flag @SockFluffInTheBath . It's a sensible and pragmatic thing to do at a very difficult time. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

@SockFluffInTheBath it is absolutely not a surrender! I’d call it the opposite in fact, being proactive.

Thanks ladies. I feel weak. At work I’m the scrapyard dog who refuses to fail. At home I’m the one who holds everything for everyone. I just can’t anymore, and I hate myself for it, but here we are. Un-MN hugs to us all.

eta we found out yesterday the live-in carer has been rationing MIL’s pain relief because the suffering is part of god’s plan. I think this is what finished me. Needless to say it’s not ending well for her. She’s lucky it wasn’t me who found it.

What? That is shocking. Your poor MIL.

@SockFluffInTheBath that's a truly terrible thing for a 'carer' to do. How dreadful. Thank goodness you found out.

WTAF!!! @SockFluffInTheBath please tell me Police are involved and social care because that is cruelty and neglect, your poor MIL.

Last year I took time off work when it all became too much, look after yourself and sending lots of unmumsnetty hugs.

@SockFluffInTheBath that's horrendous