Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

That made me lol!

This!

Mum is having a Care Act assessment today. The current team are very variable but geared towards reenablment after being hospital. They keep going on about getting her back to her base line but she’s at it anyway and won’t improve until she has further surgery, if at all. Some have told her care will cost her a lot of money as though trying to put her off. They are fixated on getting her to have a wash when they get there. She’s always been fully independent with personal care and they are there to support with meals only 🙄 The social worker who has been assigned to her is black so mum won’t be happy with that. His English was impeccable though so hopefully she won’t make any comments. The manager said when I spoke to him
that a lot of the older generation are the same which is just not acceptable. Imagine the state of health and social care if we didn’t have people from other countries working in the sector. Mum is dreading what standard of care she will get as our experience so far of two care agencies and two run by the council has been poor. There are some fantastic carers but the majority have been basic and some terrible.
I get a 24hr heart monitor fitted today. I feel like my body is falling apart. I had to explain again to mum that I am signed off sick and need to be doing less. I’m waiting to see if I get awarded pip or low capacity to work after someone on my other thread advised me to apply. I don’t think I’ll qualify for pip but we’ll see what happens. I’m exhausted constantly and struggling every day to do anything above the necessary. I can’t remember the last time I dusted anywhere. The bedding gets changed, I Hoover and the bathroom and kitchen are ok but other than that forget it. Any spare time I have is spent with a hot water bottle against my back to ease pain. My nights are disturbed by pain. I’m top of the list for physio the latest letter said. I’m reading all your posts but do t have the capacity to formulate replies. Coffee, tea and cake all round x

Popping in after a long break, was a regular when acting as partial career for MiL, haven’t quite finished clearing the last boxes from her flat even though it’s over a year since she passed away. DH was upset the rose bush at the memorial area wasn’t looking healthy - I told him manure was the answer but he goes from work so it could be amusing taking a bag on the central line. I think MiL would laugh at that.

We watched Riot Girls, new series on BBC on Sunday, and it all came flooding back - one of the characters has a mother with dementia and carers going on to her home, physically seems able, she rang her daughter confused about biscuits that she hadn’t bought and then accused a career of coming into her place at night to have noisy sex! DH explained OMG…. This was how it started with MiL, saying her upstairs neighbour was having noisy sex in her garden at night…. I knew all along this was a dementia thing, my aunt accused a very good carer of being a prostitute. Someone involved in the writing team clearly has experience, the relationship between the sisters and how to deal with their mothers dementia is clearly part of the plot. About time…

My relationship with DS and fab SIL thankfully good as we see the decline in DPs. They have great neighbours, DM now has a falls alarm, and for the first time used a walker when out shopping - we took her. Still not got the much needed heading aids. Still repeating same stories about friends husband in care home, she says he went in a few months ago …. But first told me a few years ago. BUT can still play a good game of bridge and cooks most nights. Relies on DF to tie up her trainers, but he is stooped and a bit wobbly.

We are lining up details of the help they could pay for, they have a cleaner and gardener and very kind younger neighbours. But won’t admit to needing more yet. But I am worried that both are getting confused about banking, bills etc. BT sent a letter that just said ‘Dear X you are out if contract’ and a link … no phone number. DF was quite concerned, it took 20 mins for me to get through to the correct number and they couldn’t talk to me without DF permission. In the end I explained he wouldn’t do this online and arranged for a call back later. IF I hadn’t have been staying he would have become anxious that he would lose his phone. He has WiFi but he really doesn’t get what it is, other than he can send and receive emails. I think DMs falls alarm is blocking the WiFi signal though - BT said they would send a new router🤞. None of this works if the customer has dementia. Today DPs are meeting their bank lady because DM panicked after watching the news and organised to cash in all ISA investments including DFs and put them all in her savings account. I have emailed and said DF must have some ISAs (he is a high rate ex payer) I don’t know how much we are talking about but am concerned the bank acted in this instruction effectively taking all my fathers £ …. I worry he pretends he understands out of pride - he tells them he was a banker (he was very senior in HR). He has never worked on finance and investment side. BUT if DM doesn’t get her way she has a tantrum. She had one on this visit about Christmas plans and screamed at my DS that if she couldn’t stay at her house (all on one level) she would kill herself - or something equally dramatic, tears and threats - then she gets her way. DF just sits there. Maybe relieved it isn’t aimed at him this time.

My friend and I have a pact to remind each other when we are in our 80s, to remember the world doesn’t revolve around us and our wishes. 🤞🤞

I am grateful DPs have some younger friends and neighbours and still get out, thanks to taxis and lifts. There are no decent buses and the lovely village Co-op that they have visited for years, which also meant a chat and a gossip, so important to the community, has moved out of the tiny village centre to an ugly modern building with a sensible car park. The design is functional. There’s no bench@ to sit on outside for a chat. And it’s too far to walk for them now. 🙁. banks, BT, shops…. None of them make allowances for non tech savvy people, elderly who have given up driving and are struggling physically and cognitively (but don’t want to admit it).

best to all of you trying to negotiate elderly parents, get care for them, being brave and saying no…. Do get attendance allowance, blue badge etc. Little things that can help. And don’t be afraid to put in a call to the GP if you have concerns. I got a note to GP to say mother won’t admit to poor hearing. Make a nuisance of yourself on relatives behalf to get help where you can.

@DormitI was wondering how my DPs would react to many of DMs carers being different nationalities, as they - particularly DF - are very racist. DF gets round it by steadfastly ignoring them all and DM doesn’t seem bothered by it. As we are in Scotland and it’s free, their natural stinginess has overcome their other reactions.

Take care of yourself please, it sounds like there are lots of eyes on your DM and even if the care isn’t perfect it’s probably good enough, which is sadly the only state I aim for with DPs these days.

@Dormit just from what you've said on this thread, it sounds like you're eligible for PIP.

Don't be surprised or upset if they award you zero points. Just do the mandatory reconsideration, and then the full appeal. I went from zero points to being awarded PIP myself, although the whole process took 18 months. I did get a great deal of back pay though. 🤣

I have managed to escape for a few days. I am doing a course for work that requires me to attend full time for 3 days (well, 5 days in total, but 3 days this week). The carers have been going in twice a day since Monday. Coincidentally (🤔) DM pressed her fall alarm at 5 am Monday morning... So, I went over. She was in pain and said she couldn't get out of bed. I called 999 and an ambulance came very quickly. When the paramedics were there, she did get out of bed. They wanted to take her to hospital, due to high BP and an irregular heartbeat, plus the pain, but she refused to go. Anyway, I settled her and left to go on my course and haven't been back since..(the guilt!) I did speak to them on Monday evening and DF said they were OK and not to worry. The GP had been out and given DM antibiotics for a urine infection. DM said she felt dreadful (she always does...). I haven't contacted them since, but can see the comments from the carers on an app and DM and she is continuing to tell them how unwell she feels. I am dreading going over there again, or even calling. It has felt like such a luxury to actually be able to focus on work for once (self-employed and much too flexible). I need to let the carers take over day to day and stick to doing their numerous appointments, sorting medication, and occasional 'fun' things, but i have a feeling DM is going to make that as difficult as she possibly can. It's so stressful.

@Juneday , you said ..accused a career of coming into her place at night... Guess what, I got that today. She'd woken up, heard the front door click, and something something the young carer who was there at bedtime might have come back and spent the night in the spare bedroom?
I said it seemed much more likely that she'd dreamed it. But will suggest she gets a Ring doorbell - one with the videos in the cloud, she can afford the sub - and then if there are any worries we can check. All we saw today was a pair of JWs.

The gardener was giving her a sob story but I sternly said, "he.is.an.adult. do.not.make.his.problems.your.problems". Though if he was hoping to get extra tips out of her he's got the wrong woman! She did, back in the day, have a light-fingered cleaner, nasty, but it means she's realistic about employing people.

I retain slight hopes of her getting out to some activity eventually - she tearfully admitted to having got very isolated over the last few years - but tbh it's more likely she'll up the care hours. That works too! The more socialisation the better IMO, however it happens.

We went to a mobility shop and tried out rollators as recommended by her OT... I am not sure WHY, as (see above) she rarely leaves the house and does ok on the flat with her walker. But the shop visit itself got her out of the house! So it was worth encouraging.

I thank the good lord she doesn't care about where the carers come from. As long as they don't bug the cat, don't burn the toast, and put the rubbish out properly. She uses speech-to-text for messaging, so sometimes it picks up the carers too, and they seem to be as patient and cheerful when I'm not there as when I am.

The sky box has been packed up and I'll drop it off, a new microwave set up and the old one in our boot bound for the tip, bills checked, docs shredded, her husband's last credit card paid off.

I arranged the next visit for a fortnight's time and she said, "are you sure?"
I forbore from pointing out that it had been less than 3 weeks since our previous visit and we'd had tears today, I'd had to get the neighbours round a couple of days ago, there's been dark mutterings about a carer surreptitiously sleeping there overnight.. basically if we don't go round every fortnight the wheels fall off very quickly. It's worth dedicating 1 day of 14 to have peace of mind the other 13.
This is the problem a lot of people face when they're told, "go travelling/enjoy the kids/grow your career while you can" - which I totally understand and I don't think they're wrong per se! - it's just, if everything goes titsup while you step away from the spinning plate... The prospect changes. It's no longer "travel/kids/job", it's "3 nice days away, then 2 spent on the phone, then a premature return"/"doubly upsetting the kids cos you abandoned a promised treat half way through"/"trying to concentrate in a meeting while dreading what might be in the voicemail that's waiting for you when you get out". So, you know... What can you do.

So my mum & dad have had carers from the nhs arrangement; 2 lots after different hospital admissions, private carers as well. They have all had the code for my parents key box which has never been changed.

Do you think that's risky? It's a lot easier to keep it as it is but is that ridiculously naive?

DM has been daily (at least) ringing to moan/complain about petty things and I'm just finding it sapping my ... I don't know what... but it's just crappy. I keep trying to problem solve but often it's just awkward stuff and no clean solution.

I know mum has probably just used dad (who's not really available for that) as a quick moan outlet in the past so she's missing that and it's probably a useful distraction for her than to think about the bigger issues. But when it's elicited a phone call from her to me it's seems like a bigger issue.

One of the things she said today was that the private carer didn't arrive. I looked at the app, saw that the carer came as promised and the write up mentioned my mum. Mum was amazed! She had thought that that carer was the NHS one!!

My sister and I messaged each other in great detail about how we should respond to mum's current moaning spell. Yet when she rang today I was slightly snappy which hadn't been what I meant to do. But at that second I was worrying about 2 things in my life that need sorting. Every time the phone rings and its mum's name flashing up I prepare myself for "your father's deteriorated" or worse. And then it's something about the bins or whatever. It's been a while since she and I had a chat. I was going to ring tonight but I just felt exhausted.

Actually, the last time she rang not to moan was at the start of last week. And that was to talk about it being the (nearly 30th) anniversary of my stillborn daughter. So I really can't complain and I know she was deeply affected by that event and is upset that it upset me.

Now I'm reduced to tears thinking about it.

@tobee use the Do Not Disturb setting on your phone for good. Remember you're not a doctor, nurse, paramedic or social worker (I assume!), so if there really WAS an emergency, you would, should, not be the first person to be called.

Would it be worth establishing a phone routine where you call her once a day, let her moan for N minutes, then say, "love ya Mum talk tomorrow" and then "miss her calls" the rest of the time because you are v v busy/deaf/left your phone in the other room etc ?

@NDornotND I hope you are enjoying the peace of your few days away. I picked up on your comment that you are 'Self employed and much too flexible'. I have the same issue- it's very difficult to navigate isn't it? Because I have full control of my work hours etc I've been able to take time out when there's a real crisis (eg when my late father was very ill), can arrange things around her medical appointments and can make/take phone calls during the working day. But it's hard to get Mum, other family members and HCPs etc to understand that I DO work and I can't be available 24/7. Particularly as she doesn't really want external help or help from other family members so she will happily say tell everyone she doesn't need anything because Bigboots looks after her.

I have a similar issue myself. My work contract ended mid August and because of a previous voluntary redundancy payment, I don’t absolutely have to work. I am age 55 and have no intention of retiring just yet but am looking for something part time as DPs live an hour away and I am the only DC. Because I had a bit of extra time and they are so frail, I upped the visits, but soon realised they were using it to not get other help in and perpetuate their belief that they are still managing just fine.

It was the last visit that DH made that really made me pull back. A charity was there offering all sorts of free support and if DH hadn’t been there they would have refused the lot ( apologies I may already have mentioned this upthread).

I managed to speak to DMs doctors and as a result got her slotted in for a CT scan prior to her neurology appointment and texted her about it. On the phone she was pleasant and thankful and even asked me about my job hunting, almost like my old DM prior to all of this. I think she realised that she had become too demanding.

So I am strictly keeping myself for medical appointments where I am needed - there is enough of these to be a regular presence anyway.

Any suggestions how to convince MIL that FIL needs to go into a care home? FIL has dementia, is constantly trying to leave the house to "go back to his home and family" or go to work, is hardly eating and is now getting to the stage where he can barely wash and dress himself. MIL calls DH for support and for him to go and help except we live 200 miles away at it's normally a 4 hour drive at least.
She rang early on Saturday morning saying she needed him to go in home and this would be the last time she did this. By the time DH came home on Monday night, things were on an even keel again and she said she could manage. We got a call yesterday afternoon from her saying he was trying to escape again and she couldn't manage and DH has gone back to them. He is an only child so no support from anyone else.
This morning she is back peddling again about him needing anymore care or to go into a home. I'm at work trying to do university open days with our Year 13 child and DH is up there barely sleeping and trying to WFH and sort everything out.
It's a nightmare. What can we do?

Could you just suggest FIL goes into a home for some respite care? We did that on the premise that MIL needed a break and he would come out after 2 weeks. It ended up being a permanent move as it became obvious then that MIL couldn't look after herself never mind FIL but the original intention was that he would come home which made it easier for everyone to accept.

@Tupperwarelid do you think MIL would be more agreeable if it was positioned as a respite stay for a short time, with the unstated aim of making it permanent?

@funnelfan @StillNiceCardigan we have wondered if this would work but in the past when respite care has been discussed she has been worried he wouldn't settle again when he came home. MIL honestly seems to have an argument against any suggestion we make!

@Tupperwarelid unfortunately the only thing that will make MIL realise how precarious the situation is is if your DH stops going every time there is a crisis.

That is difficult to do in the moment, so perhaps he needs to research other options and send an email or message whilst everything is calm, plus see if they can get a social care assessment. He needs to be blunt about the impact on him and his family of these late night mercy missions, particularly as winter creeps up and even if he wants to do the trip it may not be possible due to poor weather.

I think you are going to have to push it then for your DH's sake or the dashes up the motorway will still carry on.

I think we gave too much weight to what MIL said when we were in this situation so I understand what its like. FIL was wearing dirty clothes, not eating properly, undermedicated and behaving quite erratically but MIL insisted they were fine. He is much happier ( and fatter!) since he went into a home.

We’re going to need a new thread soon. Anyone want to start one?

New thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5428508-cockroach-cafe-winter-2025

@bigbootsweather Thanks, yes, I have really enjoyed having a break from the misery. I know i probably sound like a self-absorbed heartless cow, but the only response i have had for getting on for a year if I ask how DM is is 'absolutely dreadful', or words to that effect. I'm sure it's worse for her to feel like that, but compassion fatigue is a real thing. I feel like i am trying to avoid being dragged down with her, and sometimes failing.

Similar to you @Rookiemere, we had a bit of financial luck a couple of years ago, so it's not desperate that I work flat out. Having said that, the money is in DH's name and was a gift from his family, so I feel a bit vulnerable in that i have very little in the way of personal savings and not much of a pension either. I'm 55 too and I want to work and be independent. How is the stepping back going? I really want to do that, but DM seems to be going downhill fast and DF (89) can't really cope I don't think, even with two carer visits per day. I phoned last night and he said they're missing me.....

@Tupperwarelid agree with others, try again suggesting respite care. Think I may have to do the same for DM....

Thanks for the new thread @GnomeDePlume it is very much needed! And thank you@BestIsWest for this one - it's a life saver.

The care assessment went very well and they are putting in long term care. The SW told mum that it was too much for me to be doing so much and he was really lovely. She had her first physio appointment post-op and is doing great. She’s got more exercises to do and I’ll be making sure she does them. I’m taking her out somewhere special next week to a craft activity and although she’ll struggle to walk around she will benefit hugely from getting out and doing something to challenge herself and also meet new people. I’ve told her she can’t just fester on the sofa.

To those needing to step back: it’s a scary feeling but do it. I’ve been so much happier since things calmed down after I started saying no. Mum hasn’t come to any harm and social services have stepped in to help with meals. There’s no one to do any of the other things but knowing that there’s someone twice a day going in is a weight off my mind. If I’m ill or need a rest I know she’s got two calls and although she might feel lonely she’s not going to be harmed by me not being there.

I'm glad to read your update @Dormit

That all sounds very positive for your mum and for you.

Is anybody watching Riot Women! ? I watched the first episode tonight and a little of the second and found it very poignant. Sally Wainwright nails things so realistically and this seems to be another gem.