Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

979 replies

BestIsWest · 23/06/2025 08:03

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

OP posts:
Choconuttolata · 15/08/2025 21:00

Yes because you don't need them to answer, it just patches you through to their TV and they can see and hear you, you can see and hear them. You could also do family calls they can see your children, so it becomes more a social event etc..

My Aunt didn't like it because she was trying to hide how bad her memory was and how confused she was and towards the end became quite paranoid. When she didn't collect her mail, the post man contacted me and she didn't answer the phone I tried to see if I could see her because she always sat in her chair in front of the TV, but when I couldn't see her I knew something had happened. That meant I was able to do a safe and well check and the ambulance found her on the floor.

If someone was on the floor in the room, you could hear them and speak to them, reassure them help was on the way.

tobee · 15/08/2025 21:42

Oh wow that's interesting @Choconuttolata

countrygirl99 · 15/08/2025 21:53

That looks really interesting but I'd have to double check the TV schedules before calling. God forbid I interrupted Pointless etc 😂

MotherOfCatBoy · 16/08/2025 07:01

Never knew such a thing existed, that’s amazing. Sometimes I think to myself (Gen X who grew up in the 80s), We are living in the future!
Do all modern smart TVs have a front facing camera and microphone, like phones?

countrygirl99 · 16/08/2025 07:39

I don't think mum's TV is a smart TV. I'll investigate if the planned care home visits don't come to anything but given replacing a broken phone has been a complete disaster I'm not sure I have the stomach to change her tv.

Mumbles12 · 16/08/2025 08:20

Also no idea such a thing existed, how amazing, will file knowledge away for when my parents need it. FIL does not have a TV and refuses to have the internet in the house for DAB radio either. Despite the fact that he loved ordering Alexa around between radio 3 and 4 when he had a prolonged stay at our house....

Original poster
BestIsWest · 16/08/2025 11:52

DM doesn’t have a smart TV either and the thought of changing it makes my heart sink. Changing to a different remote control would probably be a disaster.
Amazing idea though.

OP posts:
DaisyCherry · 16/08/2025 12:24

Hi everyone. Been following other threads.

Short question is, what do you do when you want to stop caring for your vulnerable, yet hideously abusive mum but you can't because you know she has mental health issues, autism and adhd and can't help doing some of the things that you can't cope with??

Long explanation
Please help. My mum's situation is driving me insane and I can't see a way of distancing myself from it.

Like many of you, my mum, who lives on her own, is a nightmare and every contact I have with her stresses me out (yep, I'm also the drama queen).

At the least, she's rude, has little empathy for anyone, makes stupid decisons without thinking about the consequences etc. Very neglectful, self absorbed, depressed, negative. Can't listen, changes the subject, can't answer any questions I ask, no matter how they are phrased.

When she wasn't angry, it was constant tearful phonecalls and laments about how lonely she was and how difficult things were for her...which is also the case now. She has lost so many friends because she is so self absorbed.

But she is also very vulnerable -she has undiagnosed Autism and ADHD, and MH Problems so I don't know if she can help the way she is/has been.

I have just been diagnosed with ADHD and have always had anxiety and depression. I've struggled with life a lot myself but sought help and tried to change as much as I can.

I do have a lot of empathy for those with MH& Neurodiverse issues and I have with mum.

If I'm not a massive iceberg of resentment, I feel a bottomless pit of sadness and guilt.

Despite years of given them advice/listening/ counselling/reading self help books to help them and myself, begging Dad to refer her to a psych and for both of them to have therapy, he wouldnt. And she, as per usual did not take my suggestions in.

I've endured 30 years of 45 minute phonecalls, where all she has talked about is herself, repeating the same issues she has over and over again, and then receving verbal abuse when I've offered advice or needed to go.

She has rarely been a mum to me and both her and my Dad made it clear - albeit indirectly - that we were the problem all the time, although I do have some memories of my mum apologising in childhood and my twenties, whilst my Dad never did.

I have had tons of therapy and went no contact with her and Dad for 5 years.
Even in no contact I felt hideously guilty all the time, I couldn't stop worrying about them and how vulnerable they were in their late 70's and that they just couldn;t help themselves.

I resumed contact with her when Dad passed away. I felt I had to resume contact because I knew she wouldn't be able to look after the bills/household management and I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her as she cannot process/ understand bills etc.

I took on financial POA as I felt that it would keep her safe to some degree, make sure the bills are being paid, that she ahd enough money etc.

She doesn't have a lot of friends and she is draining the neighbours with her constant demands (forgetting how to work the TV, lightbulb needing changing etc). She is a member of a church which have been utterly amazing but their patience has worn thin, so I now get worried messages / suggestions from them about what she needs. I feel like they all hate me.

I hate to say it but as anticipated, I am properly burnt out. I am trying to put in the boundaries (I rarely pick the phone up to her, I have a service that transcribes her daily voicemails). I have a really stressful job that I can't change/lose. I can't cope with her calls saying that something in the house isn't working (eg shower is cold), sending a tradesperson round and then it turning out to be because she has fogotten how to work something.

I've sent several letters to social services and her GP over the years and over the last few months. They will do a care needs /capacity assessment but I'm so worried it will end up in nothing, Mum (and the equity firm) own their house. The first social worker I spoke to said she's only moved to a care home if she needs night care.

I told them that an OT needs to go round asap to advise on what she needs - eg she needs a new sink as it's leaking, but I don't want to get her one in case it's too high for her.

As well as alll the other concerns about her vulnerability (giving out personal details to strangers and forgetting things), I'm so worried about the next thing in the house that breaks, which could have been easily fixed and ultimately leads to her being in pain and death.

She is refusing to even look at sheltered accomodation or a care home. Every time I even hint at it she puts the phone down, which of course I understand.

I'm researching the social services process, mental capacity and care needs assessment. I hinted at the church members that I couldn't do this but was met with messages of "you have to go, she won't be able to say what her needs are" which is quite right and I just couldn't live with myself if Social services close the book on her and don't do anything because she seems fine and then something happens.

I keep feeling that given her undiagnosed Autism and ADHD, and MH problems, someone needs to fight for her. If I knew 100% that it's Narc personality disorder, I could walk away more easily.

I don't have power of attorney for health and wellbeing because I thought that would be a good boundary. But it looks like I'm going to have to get it.

I live 3 hours drive away, single trip. Everytime I go up to there I have to stay at a hotel which I cannot afford and she just has a go at me because she wants to be taken to a garden centre/somewhere in the forest, where as I am having to sort out things in the house that I have no idea what to deal with.

Thanks for reading, sorry if this doesn't make sense...any advice welcome.

FiniteSagacity · 16/08/2025 14:14

@DaisyCherry welcome, help yourself to as many large drinks and as much cake as you need. Please keep sharing and remember you need to look after yourself first, because if you break, then she doesn’t even have what you are willing to do.

FiniteSagacity · 16/08/2025 14:22

@DaisyCherry To be clear, you could do less than you are and you have to ignore the guilt trippers who would have you sacrifice your life for hers (and ease any burden they feel she puts on them). They are not thinking about your welfare but will judge you if something happens. I know you’re probably in a constantly stressed hyper vigilant state and have been trying to prevent a disaster despite distance and your own commitments. You will find solidarity here with the wonderful regulars in this cafe.

I am LPA for my Dad who was stubborn, at risk of self-neglect and increasingly frail. I’ve had a lifetime of trying to soothe and fix and work around mental health issues (mine and his).

NHS and social services knew him and there were asides about a move to 24 hour care but the system is reactive and always talks about ‘capacity’ and waits for a serious enough crisis before acting. It is horrendous for family to watch and hope someone else will act. Along the way we tried sheltered accommodation, visiting carers and ran ourselves ragged but we were past the point that it could succeed and it failed. I was the bad daughter who ‘put my Dad in a home’. He isn’t always happy but he is safe, well cared for and I can sleep at night.

countrygirl99 · 16/08/2025 15:46

Absolutely lost it with goldenballs today. Pompous, arrogant little shit that he is.

FiniteSagacity · 16/08/2025 15:53

@countrygirl99 I’m glad you gave him a piece of your mind. Sometimes we need to show how angry we are. Have some nice cafe treats.

PermanentTemporary · 16/08/2025 15:55

Brew @countrygirl99 really sorry to hear that. Hope you have a bit of space later.

hi @DaisyCherry . Sounds incredibly tough. The bystanders who are sure what your relative needs are just that - bystanders. They can stop taking her calls etc if they want to - if they don’t, that’s their choice. They also don’t have the emotional history with your mum that makes every contact so difficult.

TBH it does sound as if sheltered housing would be a really good idea. If you start talking about it more and she puts the phone down, is that perhaps a bit of a win…

Choconuttolata · 16/08/2025 15:56

Sometimes it has to be said @countrygirl99 it has been a long time coming. Did it make any difference?

MotherOfCatBoy · 16/08/2025 16:05
Gin

@countrygirl99

MotherOfCatBoy · 16/08/2025 16:09

@DaisyCherry welcome

I feel your pain. My Mum is similar. I veer between massive sympathy for her and utter indifference because of all the shittiness over the years. I don’t think she’ll ever be happy. She and my Dad are determined to be independent despite relying on us for a lot now. I would t mind except their house is a nightmare (dirty, cluttered, hoarded stuff, mess everywhere, can’t be cleaned because too much stuff), and there’s always a reason not to make decisions.

I don’t know what to recommend really. Firstly stuff the friends / neighbours. You can only do what you can do. Work out what that is, stick to it. Sadly I think others are right that you have to wait for something to happen before officialdom will do anything.

countrygirl99 · 16/08/2025 16:42

I've muted the WhatsApp group so he if he's responded he can sweat over my non response. Very childish but needs must, he ignores my messages all the time. Now I'm back home with a beer and an intense chocolate Magnum.

tobee · 16/08/2025 17:38

Muted WhatsApp - ✅

Beer - ✅

Intense chocolate magnum - ✅

All winning choices @countrygirl99 😊

EmotionalBlackmail · 16/08/2025 18:10

Maybe get so distracted by the magnum you forget where the unmute button is for several days?

GoldMoon · 16/08/2025 18:57

DaisyCherry · 16/08/2025 12:24

Hi everyone. Been following other threads.

Short question is, what do you do when you want to stop caring for your vulnerable, yet hideously abusive mum but you can't because you know she has mental health issues, autism and adhd and can't help doing some of the things that you can't cope with??

Long explanation
Please help. My mum's situation is driving me insane and I can't see a way of distancing myself from it.

Like many of you, my mum, who lives on her own, is a nightmare and every contact I have with her stresses me out (yep, I'm also the drama queen).

At the least, she's rude, has little empathy for anyone, makes stupid decisons without thinking about the consequences etc. Very neglectful, self absorbed, depressed, negative. Can't listen, changes the subject, can't answer any questions I ask, no matter how they are phrased.

When she wasn't angry, it was constant tearful phonecalls and laments about how lonely she was and how difficult things were for her...which is also the case now. She has lost so many friends because she is so self absorbed.

But she is also very vulnerable -she has undiagnosed Autism and ADHD, and MH Problems so I don't know if she can help the way she is/has been.

I have just been diagnosed with ADHD and have always had anxiety and depression. I've struggled with life a lot myself but sought help and tried to change as much as I can.

I do have a lot of empathy for those with MH& Neurodiverse issues and I have with mum.

If I'm not a massive iceberg of resentment, I feel a bottomless pit of sadness and guilt.

Despite years of given them advice/listening/ counselling/reading self help books to help them and myself, begging Dad to refer her to a psych and for both of them to have therapy, he wouldnt. And she, as per usual did not take my suggestions in.

I've endured 30 years of 45 minute phonecalls, where all she has talked about is herself, repeating the same issues she has over and over again, and then receving verbal abuse when I've offered advice or needed to go.

She has rarely been a mum to me and both her and my Dad made it clear - albeit indirectly - that we were the problem all the time, although I do have some memories of my mum apologising in childhood and my twenties, whilst my Dad never did.

I have had tons of therapy and went no contact with her and Dad for 5 years.
Even in no contact I felt hideously guilty all the time, I couldn't stop worrying about them and how vulnerable they were in their late 70's and that they just couldn;t help themselves.

I resumed contact with her when Dad passed away. I felt I had to resume contact because I knew she wouldn't be able to look after the bills/household management and I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her as she cannot process/ understand bills etc.

I took on financial POA as I felt that it would keep her safe to some degree, make sure the bills are being paid, that she ahd enough money etc.

She doesn't have a lot of friends and she is draining the neighbours with her constant demands (forgetting how to work the TV, lightbulb needing changing etc). She is a member of a church which have been utterly amazing but their patience has worn thin, so I now get worried messages / suggestions from them about what she needs. I feel like they all hate me.

I hate to say it but as anticipated, I am properly burnt out. I am trying to put in the boundaries (I rarely pick the phone up to her, I have a service that transcribes her daily voicemails). I have a really stressful job that I can't change/lose. I can't cope with her calls saying that something in the house isn't working (eg shower is cold), sending a tradesperson round and then it turning out to be because she has fogotten how to work something.

I've sent several letters to social services and her GP over the years and over the last few months. They will do a care needs /capacity assessment but I'm so worried it will end up in nothing, Mum (and the equity firm) own their house. The first social worker I spoke to said she's only moved to a care home if she needs night care.

I told them that an OT needs to go round asap to advise on what she needs - eg she needs a new sink as it's leaking, but I don't want to get her one in case it's too high for her.

As well as alll the other concerns about her vulnerability (giving out personal details to strangers and forgetting things), I'm so worried about the next thing in the house that breaks, which could have been easily fixed and ultimately leads to her being in pain and death.

She is refusing to even look at sheltered accomodation or a care home. Every time I even hint at it she puts the phone down, which of course I understand.

I'm researching the social services process, mental capacity and care needs assessment. I hinted at the church members that I couldn't do this but was met with messages of "you have to go, she won't be able to say what her needs are" which is quite right and I just couldn't live with myself if Social services close the book on her and don't do anything because she seems fine and then something happens.

I keep feeling that given her undiagnosed Autism and ADHD, and MH problems, someone needs to fight for her. If I knew 100% that it's Narc personality disorder, I could walk away more easily.

I don't have power of attorney for health and wellbeing because I thought that would be a good boundary. But it looks like I'm going to have to get it.

I live 3 hours drive away, single trip. Everytime I go up to there I have to stay at a hotel which I cannot afford and she just has a go at me because she wants to be taken to a garden centre/somewhere in the forest, where as I am having to sort out things in the house that I have no idea what to deal with.

Thanks for reading, sorry if this doesn't make sense...any advice welcome.

Your mother sounds just like my mil minus the church and she hasn't got daughters , just sons .
Her sons have very little to do with her , they haven't fallen out or anything like that , just don't think to bother but I believe autism / ADHD runs rife throughout the family including my dh , her son .
We do not live particularly close but it still is left to me to pick up the pieces of her life that she seems not to understand and the mess that is left behind in the wake of her chaos .
I realise that in 20 years of knowing her she has never asked how I am , never done a kindness to me , nor shown any interest in anything I've every done or achieved its all been what can I do her .

DaisyCherry · 16/08/2025 19:40

Thanks @FiniteSagacity
Thanks @PermanentTemporary
Thanks @MotherOfCatBoy
Thanks @GoldMoon

I don't know what else to say at the moment except thanks.

MotherOfCatBoy · 16/08/2025 19:41

@GoldMoon hard relate. She’s not particularly interested in me but she has absolutely zero relationship with my DH. He lost his patience after his Dad died and she didn’t say a single word to him about it. She also has no relationship with DS who can’t be doing with her at all. I find it really sad.

Mumbles12 · 16/08/2025 20:08

countrygirl99 · 16/08/2025 16:42

I've muted the WhatsApp group so he if he's responded he can sweat over my non response. Very childish but needs must, he ignores my messages all the time. Now I'm back home with a beer and an intense chocolate Magnum.

Very sensible, he sounds a nightmare. Don't crack!

GoldMoon · 17/08/2025 09:47

MotherOfCatBoy · 16/08/2025 19:41

@GoldMoon hard relate. She’s not particularly interested in me but she has absolutely zero relationship with my DH. He lost his patience after his Dad died and she didn’t say a single word to him about it. She also has no relationship with DS who can’t be doing with her at all. I find it really sad.

With my dh ( her son ) he will walk out of the room when I phone her , or will suddenly find a reason to be unavailable . They will chat very rarely , well call it chat , it's her telling him everything she's just told me !

countrygirl99 · 17/08/2025 17:50

I have been carefully looking at care ho. mes that would be convenient for DB1 to visit (once a year) when he stays with his DC and for his DC (occasional) and for DB2 ( possibly monthly more likely 5/6 weeks) but quite frankly I'm going to visit the most so I've decided to investigate a very local home with a good rep. It's run by the same not for profit as one of the others I've arranged for mum to see but instead of just over an hour from my house it's less than 10 minutes. As goldenballs apparently considers my 1 hour away as "on the spot/ very local" I see no issues. DB2 happy for me to investigate and thinks it's a good idea. I can imagine the squeals of complaint but after the way he's talked to me this weekend I don't give a shit.