Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

That is appalling @SockFluffInTheBath , so horribly cruel.

Fucking hell, that’s unbelievable! I’d be reporting as far and wide as I could. I’m passionate about pain relief and no one suffers on my watch if I can help it. How fucking dare they! I’m so sorry x

Isn't that criminal? I don't suppose there's a register she can be struck off?

It’s been an awful couple of days. We found a few other things, not quite as bad but not good. We have an amazing SW who is handling it, and was equally furious. MIL is comfortable now.

I have a call with occupational health tomorrow so hopefully they have a magic wand in their cupboard. I was half an inch from telling a whole meeting to just fuck off earlier so I think it’s time. I’m also going to dip out of the CC for a little while so I don’t take over with my rambling 😅 lots of 💪 and 🍷 to everyone.

@SockFluffInTheBath don't worry about rambling. It's what we are here for.

@SockFluffInTheBath I know it is probably too much to post at the moment with everything else going on, but don't feel like you can't let off steam here when you need to for support. It is what we are here for. I am glad the SW is on it and that your MIL is more comfortable. Sending solidarité 🍷💪

Sympathies @SockFluffInTheBath - my DM made the same comment about my DF as he was dying…fortunately we successfully overrode her wishes and got him on a syringe driver.

@SockFluffInTheBath I’m glad the SW is on side and you MIL is getting pain relief.

The shit has hit the fan today over my mum’s appointment with my aunt and sister taking my mum and deciding not to tell me my sister was going. Except my
mum told me and my aunt kicked off saying she was no longer taking my
mum. I’ve not been told the outcome of the appointment yet when mum and I had arranged for me to be on call to her during the appointment like we normally do if I can’t be physically there. Aunt said this wasnt
possible and she’d record the appointment and send it me later. She’s blocked so she can’t. I think she’d need the consultants consent for that too. So I’m so far in the dark yet expected to drop everything to help my mum. It’s DD’s GCSE results tomorrow and she is my
priority. If they don’t think mum can manage they can step up. They won’t, they’ll leave her at home tonight and go off back to their homes and not see her again for weeks or months in my aunts case. My sister is apparently up on Friday. I’ve told the carers who contacted me again to deal directly to mum seeing as she phoned them asking for their help. They will get nothing from me unless there’s an emergency. They emailed when I was on holiday wanting all
the ins and outs of her POA documents. Fuck off. They are private and not relevant seeing as mum has capacity.
I’ve sorted weekly dosette and other medicine delivery with the pharmacy so they should make life easier from now.
My family can fuck right off. They’ve always treated me like shit but if I stand up to them it’s worse. They are nothing but abusive bullies. If they cared so much about mum they’d do more. My mum is worried my sister will put her in a home but I reminded her she can’t do that as she doesn’t have POA and mum has mental capacity so is in control of where she is. I think k that’s why my sister is so pissed off-she has no say here.
I pointed out to my mum that I’d been with her or helping her for 7 hours yesterday and it would be the same on Saturday and that I can’t just swap about to suit her and other people especially when it’s a day off for me to do my own jobs or try and relax- Ha!
Some would say I’ve got myself into this mess but I agree with the boiling frog analogy. Helping with shopping and a bit of gardening and admin has become a 40+ hour a week job that leaves me exhausted and still I’m
not good enough for certain family members. I don’t really drink but pass the wine!

@Dormit first off and most importantly, best wishes to your DD today.

The swoopers and snipers really dont help do they? They swoop in, perform some sort of grand gesture then retreat and snipe from a distance. They dont see the day in, day out grunt work which you are performing. Plus they dont see that their grand gestures sometimes just make more work for you.

@Dormit you rightly have to put your family and yourself first, good luck to your DD today. Ignore people who do performative 'caring' from a distance, they do not have a right to pass judgement.

I am also going with my eldest to get hers today, then onto enrol her at college, before circling back to take DDad to the GP for a review with the same nurse that did another review a month ago. They could have been combined as it would have made it easier on everyone, the medications for the conditions under review are even related, but no that would be too easy 🤦

Swoopers and snipers sums it up nicely.
The consultant has said she’s ok to be living around and exercising and it looks like surgery is the option most likely to help. My sister didn’t know what she was talking about at the appointment and got mum all confused with stuff. No doubt she will then say mum is confused when she’s not. I think there’s some cognitive decline and a lack of ability to retain information but I think it’s a case of her just shutting off and not even trying to remember because I’ll remember for her. She’s become very passive and they is going to have to change.

@BestIsWest we were going round a cathedral yesterday (+) and they had a visiting choir over practising. Later in one of the quieter back gardens we saw and heard one of them - a bloke about our age - on the phone to his Mum. Who seemed to have forgotten how to work the TV and change channel... It's SO common.

(+) We're lucky enough to be able to go away, but back to the "easyJet area" like we were when my Mum was in her last years. If I have to cancel something last minute again it had better be cheap.

Possibly good news, my relative is negotiating with her neighbours' builders about having her front garden path redone to be a ramp she can cope with. I'm always a bit nervous about big house projects like that but if it happens it's a good thing.

Aunt is demanding via mum that I unblock her. No. Mum is saying it’s making her ill in an attempt to manipulate me. Something about speaking to the consultant’s secretary because she won’t speak to aunt and how I should have been at the appointment. No shit, Sherlock.
DD had phoned her to tell her her GCSE results and she listened then wanted to speak to me. So DD’s phone and she’s going on at me. I told her I’d phone her back but I’m in no rush. Aunt has told me I’m immature and will be the death of my mum. I’m done. Totally done.

I’ve phoned social services and told them this is a crisis now and mum no longer has me as her carer. They are going to phone me having and push her through as urgent. My heart is pounding and I just want to cry. I’m so angry that results day is taken over by her instead of being about Dd. Dd has gone out now so I have some space to be upset.

I’ve phoned social services and told them this is a crisis now and mum no longer has me as her carer. They are going to phone me having and push her through as urgent.
That’s massive, well done. The first step is the hardest part, it’s in motion now, just don’t throw yourself under the wheels through guilt.

Mum has said I’m abandoning her. Aunt is saying I’m destroying the family. I’ve said I’ll do what her other daughter does. Now, I need to find a job that is school hours and suits the challenges I have due to autism and ADHD.

@SockFluffInTheBathhow are you doing today?

Good luck with the job hunt @Dormit . Sounds like everything has always been your fault anyway, so just add these to the list…

I’m ok, thank you. Well not, but you know. Had a call with OH earlier, apparently I’m anxious (isn’t every woman in their 40s?!) and depressed. Referring me to someone to talk to, so we’ll see. Not taking time off because honestly the stress it would cause me wondering which fuckwit was bodging my job would be too much 😅

I think I might see the GP and take some breathing time for the stress I’ve been under. It’s not like I’m suddenly going to be doing nothing at all for my mum. Whoever takes over will need information from me. I’ve said I’ll get the garden back up to scratch over a few visits

I have something positive to report. Visited a care home local to me and really liked it. Have previously visited a couple of homes owned by the same charity and they've all had different vibes but been nice. One we thought too small.and rural for mum and the other would have suited her but is a bit far for visiting by. Have arranged for her to spend the day there next week. It has a lovely terrace I know she'll love.

@countrygirl99 that’s absolutely great news. Fingers remaining crossed that this is a successful change.

@countrygirl99that sounds lovely. I hope she likes it. The thought of care homes is a mine field but it sounds like you’re doing a great job.

@Dormit between MIL, dad and mum we've looked at loads so are getting a good feeling for them now. And some really are grim. Lovely cheerful lady showed me round today.

That’s brilliant news @countrygirl99 I hope it works out smoothly.

That's good news @countrygirl99