Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

The OT is going to come and assess mum
soon and see if she can help in any way. She’s really good and mum will listen to her. She’s looking into a meals on wheels alternative.

Suddenly and unexpectedly I have graduated from this thread as my 84 year old mother has had a heart attack at her home and died instantly. On reflection, it's not a bad way to go dying in your home, on your own bed. But bad daughter that I am, I cannot help but be relieved this point has been reached.
As I prepare for the funeral and all that entails, I would like to thank all the bad daughters on this thread for their support.

@catndogslife i am so sorry for your loss- but as a fellow graduate I completely understand your feelings of relief. Please be very gentle with yourself- take your time.
Feelings of all sorts will swirl around. 🌺🌺

So sorry to hear your news @catndogslife, take care of yourself, it may all hit you after the busy period arranging everything. Relieved as you are right now, she was still your Mum. Be gentle on yourself 💐

@Dormit, I find the more you do and run around after them the less independent and more they want to be mollycoddled with little appreciation of the burden this places on us or the cost to our own families. We have had my DDad phoning incessantly today to bring him ice cream that he no doubt won't eat today and to fold some clean sheets left in his bedroom that his carers could easily fold in one of their 4 visits today. Ultimately they are bored, lonely and prefer our company as we run around after them and they get to happily regress. You just have to say no and put you and your kids first as they do not seem to have any ability to think about much outside of their needs and increasingly narrow world.

@catndogslife I am sorry for your loss.

I do understand how you feel. In someways you do a lot of grieving whilst you are caring.

Oh @catndogslife I’m so sorry. That’s a great way to go at home and your feelings will be all over the place so look after yourself x

@ChoconuttolataI’ve been up today and mum was on a lot of pain but better after her morphine and a hot water bottle. There’s a lot of muscle tension. She was saying her butt hurt and that she’s lost weight so I agreed and said she’s lost muscle and needs to move more. She’s doing better than she thinks she is really. Dd went up after I got there and has helped her with dinner a little and has done some baking with her. I’m not sure how much mum did but just doing something together is good. She also went out for a walk of her own accord this afternoon which is great. I’m going tomorrow to spend a few hours gardening. The weeds are taking over and the lawns need mowing. It’s something I really enjoy and gives us both a sense of pride having the garden nice. It’s therapeutic for me to do and Ds likes helping. Knowing she has a nice garden to look out on or go out into is helpful for both her and me. She has a step lift to get out there and I always get her to come out with me.

@catndogslife I'm so sorry. I hope that the funeral arrangements and all of the subsequent sorting afterwards go as smoothly as they can.

Finally sitting down with hot tea to drink.
Today has been spent in A&E. Nice care home sent lovely but demented MiL for check up. MiL managed to convince HCA they were there against their will and wanted so much to go home. HCA concerned she had been left at A&E by mistake called us asking us to collect and take her home. at no point did HCA passing through think to check with nurses looking after her as (she was that convincing that she does not have significant dementia and has capacity. (Not))

So we took her to her home only to have said nurse call frantically worried they had lost her asking if assessment home had any idea of where she could be or have gone before they called the police as well as their own security. We took her back. Left DH baby-sitting his mum till a cubicle could be found for over night monitoring she needs. Nurses now aware she charms her way out. Hoping she does not sundown and blag another unsuspecting HCA into letting her escape. After today booked local cheaper meal out as we still have no kitchen and we are all shattered.

@catndogslife sorry to hear your news. Take care.

@triballeader sounds exhausting.

Only a minor blip today with DM unable to open the door to the hairdresser as she couldn’t find the key(again).

Blimey @triballeader , what did she do before the dementia. I think that the diplomatic corps may have missed our on a stellar recruit!
FIL has been back in hospital overnight but now discharged. Thankfully DH decided not to do the three hour drive last night. DH feeling that FIL has chosen to remain three hours away, has refused carers and physio etc. so perhaps now needs to live with some of his choices. The last rescue week with us a fortnight ago hardened my heart a little. FIL simply replied "I know" when I pointed out how hard it is for his sons with him so far away. 🙄

She used to work in a hospital so used her long term memory of how the place works to get what she wanted. Even with dementia she remains a very clever lady as she pulls on her long term memory and learning to gloss over the gaping holes left by a none working short term memory. She can argue medical ethics yet cannot remember how to use a key code pad. hence her playing the charming frail worried old lady card at the unsuspecting HCA to get out. She used to do the same with male consultants.

@triballeader it's amazing and also somehow tragic how the brain continues to work within dementia.

I hear you Mumbles, she managed to convince her GP she was fine for a long time until the gaps in her short term memory became gaping holes.
Woke this morning to find she spent last night calling everyone on her dementia simple use phone demanding they took her home and I think she may have given the nursing staff a hard time.

DD works in said same hospital and has promised she will make time during her block of shifts to have strong words with her about why she needs to be there for now and make sure all staff know how she has form to use her intellect to fool even doctors. DH is jumping every time his phone rings as he is worried what her next stunt could be.

Right now I hope she is well enough to go back to the care home as she has not managed to get out of there.

@catndogslife sorry for your loss, we’re so focussed on the long game we’re often unprepared for a sudden change.

@countrygirl99 sounds fab, good for you! I don’t think we’ll have MIL by Christmas, and may well go away in that case.

Been round this afternoon sorting out a problem with a mobile phone bill that belonged to my DF - he’s been gone 5 years and DM is still paying bills for it. Made her food and asked her to look for the other pair of hearing aids by the time I go back tomorrow in case the ones she has break down. (On going saga of missing or broken hearing aids is driving me bonkers).
Then went to see DB to help him with some IT stuff and had a long chat about her.
Finally got home and DH said DM had phoned several times but he didn’t know what about. Phoned her back and a frail voice said ‘I’ve lost my hearing aids…’ I was about to rush up to sort out a spare when I thought wait a minute how can she hear me?

’Oh I don’t know where I put the spares and I’m afraid of these breaking down’

Aaaargh.

Told her to ring DB.

Reasonable catch up with parents yesterday (if I ignore the state of their house..). DM meant to go for a cataract op yesterday but it was cancelled because her INR reading was too high. They won’t rebook now till kt comes down so it’s up to her GP to adjust warfarin dose and monitor.
Spent the afternoon instead on their finances. DF thankfully has self awareness and knows he is getting forgetful (and anxious). I have noticed repetition creeping in and he’s finding it more difficult to follow instructions (just turned 97 so has done bloody well). He’s now agreeing we should probably activate financial POA. We did the forms three years ago but until now he has been comfortable managing himself or at least with me there. Bank closures haven’t helped as they don’t bank online. He’s now at the point where he’s willing for me to do that so I need to ferret out the documents and read up on how to go about it…

Lovely but demented MiL…DD went and found a Snr A&E consultant she knows. they worked out she had switched back in time in A&E and was giving all staff a hard time as she thought she was back in charge of department and would not stay put and wait. Now moved to secure frail elderly ward for treatment she needs and staff have all been warned she has significant dementia under a stunningly good veneer of seeming mental ability. Sending in old friend who was head of nursing to convince her to cooperate so she can go back to her nice hotel (care home). Sent in toiletries, notebooks and her kind of magazines in the hope that gives nursing staff a break.
Dementia in a highly intelligent elderly person is a bloody nightmare to deal with. taking today off and blocking her calls for a bit.

@MotherOfCatBoy Having done it recently all I will say about activating POA is that some institutions are better than others. Santander allowed me to do it online with a code from the OPG. Nationwide I had to book an appointment weeks in advance to go into the branch with all the documents.

Morning all, had hospice nurses round this morning for MIL’s pain management. Applying for CHC funding for a proper care night shift. One of the nurses said how much more frail MIL is since she last came 2 weeks ago. It’s so unbearably sad. I just want to cry all the time.

I am so sorry you find yourself in such a horrible situation Sockfluffin’. I do hope the CHC will seriously consider providing a night care shift for your MiL and I hope the pain relief makes your MiL more comfortable.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to cry when you need to because this is a situation you never would have choosen.

Thanks @BestIsWest . One thing at a time, eh.

So sorry @SockFluffInTheBath . This bit’s going to be hard. Take care of yourself.

So today she is still wearing one hearing aid but it’s a different one to the single one she had on Wednesday. But no idea where the others are or where the batteries are. I have searched every drawer, cupboard, pocket, handbag etc that I can think of. I found the batteries and one of the other pair in her sewing basket. So now we have two right hearing aids which is progress of some kind I suppose. I came very close to cracking. I think I’m going to have to speak to the GP about it.
I feel on a knife edge all the time just waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

This evening I have to explain that a change in meds following blood tests means she now has 1 tablet that needs to be taken in the morning and 2 in the evening. That means 2 pivotells because in the morning she sits at the dining room table doing the Telegraph crossword (doing being used in the loosest possible sense as sometimes she just scatters random individual letters around the grid) and in the evening she sits in the lounge with the TV at full blast. She won't hear a pivotell in the living room from the dining room and vice versa. I fully expect that at the next visit I'll find both in one room and random days meds missed from both.